Comfort

Her hands shook as her fingers closed around the small rectangular shape. It was cold, not that it made any difference standing in the winter air. She brought it up in front of her face, flicking it open. It took several goes for her to finally get a flame out of it and once she did she brought it to the cigarette hanging from her mouth.

Finally she inhaled the sweet smoke she’d been craving and she was home.

The tears finally ceased and she wiped ferociously at her cheeks to rid herself of black mascara stains left behind. She didn’t want to be giving him the satisfaction of crying. She didn’t want him to be able to know he’d made her cry. Again. That would be giving him too much power. And he couldn’t have that power over her. She wouldn’t let it happen.

She moved to sit down on the rock she was standing on. Her legs dangled over the sides and she swung them to and fro, not caring that soon her heels would be bleeding from the rough surface. She couldn’t feel pain anymore. Not while she was in this place.

It was dark. In the distance she could have sworn she saw eyes glowing, but it would have been no more than a stray cat, more fearful of her than she was of it. She closed her eyes and exhaled, opening them again to watch the smoke slowly drift away from her, eventually disappearing into night’s air. Just like she planned to disappear from his life, and have him disappear from hers.

She could remember all too clearly the night she’d met him. She had been a mess. Dark make up, in the hope that it would distract people from looking too closely into her eyes. Tight clothes, despite the fact she hated her body, but it drew attention, and that was what she craved most of all.

She’d been walking home and stumbled. He’d grabbed her. He looked directly into her eyes and saw not the show she was putting on, but the person she was behind closed doors.

Lost.

For reasons she didn’t know, he’d been fascinated by her. And slowly but surely she’d let him in.

Or perhaps he’d viciously torn down the walls with a sledgehammer. She didn’t know anymore, it was all too blurry to tell. All she knew was that she had made herself more vulnerable than ever and he’d done nothing.

“I love you.”

She’d said to him.

Words she’d never so much had whispered to another human being before. Not even her parents. She wanted to hear them back. But all she got in reply was silence. All she’d gotten was his dark brown eyes looking so sad. Sad because he could never love her back.

It was more than she could take and she broke.

It was every fear she’d ever had confirmed in the absence of words. She was unlovable.

He’d made it past the walls. Past every single barrier. He had a clear open fire to her heart; he seized the opportunity, swung that sledgehammer and didn’t just break it. He destroyed it.

And so began the journey of protecting herself again. Building those walls. Layers upon layers hiding the mess that had become of her heart because she was stupid to trust anyone in the first place.

She drove the butt of the cigarette into the rock, making sure it became just as cold, before throwing it out into the bush. She pulled another one out of the packet and lit it.

He’d tried to get her to quit. And she had. She’d stopped smoking, cold turkey, and she’d done it for him, because of how he made her feel. But it didn’t stop her craving them every single moment of every day. It was just that she craved him more, and she wanted that craving fulfilled more than anything in the world.

Now without him, without that craving, she was free again. No longer subjected to his ideals and his way of life. She inhaled it deeply savouring the taste, the sensation for as long as she possibly could.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Before she knew it, the cigarette was pulled from her grasp.

“No!” She cried. She turned and faced him.

What gave him the right? What made him think he could?

“You’ll kill yourself on these things.” He said. “I thought you quit.”

“You gave up your right to care about what happens to me.” She said bitterly. She turned away from him. She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t bear to.

“That’s too bad.” He said. He sat down next to her and took every bit of willpower on her half to not move away and put space between them. That would just be him yet again exercising his power over her. He took the packet from her hands, along with the lighter. “I will never be able to not to care about you.”

“But you don’t love me.” She regretted her words as soon as she said them.

“What are you talking about?”

It hurt most that he sounded so completely mystified at her accusation. Why was he doing this again? Breaking those walls a second time. Couldn’t he just leave her alone?

“Forget it.”

“Look at me.”

She only turned her head further from him.

“I said, look at me.” With one hand he reached out and grabbed her chin, forcing her to stare him in the eyes. “I love you.” He said. “I always will. You can run from me, go back to your old life if you want, I don’t care. But you can not go around believing I don’t love you because it’s not true. It will never be untrue. I love you more than I know how to express.”

She didn’t say anything. For a long time she stood there staring at him trying to find the lie in his eyes. She couldn’t.

“Why?”

He shook his head. “I have no idea.”

His final action to prove his words to her was to lean forward and gently press his lips to hers.