Forever in Our Memory

Dear Luc,

I came face to face with Kris last week. He was surprised to see me. Especially in Pittsburgh. It hurt me to look at him. There are so many memories of you that have him in there that when I do look at him, I can’t help but wish you were there. It makes me want to crawl back into bed and cry my eyes out.

Each and every day I wake up and I want the one question I’ve had for a year now. Ever since you, well you know. I can’t even write it because the pain is still too near for me. I want to know why it had to happen to you. Why couldn’t it be someone that was a horrible person, like a rapist or a murder? Things were going so well for you. You were happy.

I found a ring I’d never seen before in my jewelry box. You know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s a diamond ring with three stones. It’s beautiful, Luc. When I stopped looking at the ring I looked in the drawer of the box and I found your note. I can’t believe you remembered what I said when I was sixteen. But then I have to remind myself that it’s you Luc. And you put it in there the dayyou were I moved into my first apartment.

Some days I wonder if I hadn’t moved if you’d still be here with me, with all of us. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not thinking about you. And I’m sure that’s true for so many of us, but I know I still have a hard time believing that you won’t answer the phone when I call you.

I know everyone was hurting when you left us. And I know that you didn’t want to leave, but I did something that I needed to. I know you’ve watching me, making sure that I don’t do anything that would kill me. You are a true guardian angel. But as my brother I know you know the note means so much to me, but I know you already know what I’m about to tell you. I do want to get married, I want a family, but only if he meets your standards, but how am I supposed to know if they meet your standards without you here? No one can take your place, not ever.

My whole life you always had my best interests at heart and only half the time did I take you seriously. You were everything to me, you were my brother and my best friend wrapped into one. I don’t know how I manage not to cry every day, because most days are grey without you in them to brighten them up. Your love for family and friends and hockey made me jealous at times. At times it made me feel as if I had to compete for time with you, especially when you met Kris. You seemed to get along with him so well that I worried he’d become your best friend since I was only your younger sister. And that’s all I thought I was to you for so long. Someone that you would make sure didn’t cause too many problems so that mom wouldn’t stress out more than she already did while raising us. But that’s not what happened. Although you both bonded, you included me when you could. I’m sure that Kris didn’t want me around, at least not at first. But I never did thank you for including me in so many things. I don’t know if you knew this, but it meant a lot to me that you did that.

I left everyone without telling them were I was going. I packed lightly and paid a year of rent for the apartment and I didn’t tell anyone where I was going. I didn’t even know. But I did leave mom a note telling her that I had to go. I had to find myself after losing you. Only I didn’t. I’m not who I used to be anymore. I won’t ever be that girl again until we meet back up again. I know you’d be telling me not to talk stupid shit like that, but I’m just telling you how it is. I traveled to many places and I saw many things I’ll never be able to forget. I know that the experience has made me into a better person, but it really taught me some valuable life lessons. One of the more important ones is that you can never tell your loved ones that you love them enough. And that is so true that it isn’t funny. I never told you enough how much I love you. And yes, I said or wrote love, because I won’t ever stop loving you. At least not until I meet up with you again. I tell mom once a day that I love her.

Speaking of mom, she set up a dinner for the four of us to go to. To catch up with each other’s lives and what not. That’s where she is right now. Charlene, Kris and our mother are having a nice dinner. I was invited; I was the one that told Kris about it. But I couldn’t go. I look like total crap and I know it’s not about that, but I can’t do it. I can’t look at them together sharing a meal and not burst into tears. I have mornings where I do that and that gets to be bad enough, but I’d rather not do that in public.

I miss you so much Luc. Rumor has it, Kris got a tattoo in honor of your memory, I’m sure that it’s different from mine. I think that was really sweet of him. I really do wish you were here, that way I wouldn’t feel so bad for not going to that dinner. Actually if you were here, there would be no dinner and I doubt if I would be in Pittsburgh at all. That is unless you were playing against Kris’ team. That’s another thing I miss a lot. You playing hockey. Having a passion for it was something so many of us admired about you.

Since coming to Pittsburgh, I’ve thought about you a lot which leads me to think about Kris a lot. I know you probably know that I had a crush on him. But every time I thought about him, you came to mind. Now when I think of you, he comes to mind. But I don’t think I still have the same feelings for him as I did back then. It didn’t matter anyways; I was always your little sister to him and nothing more, even if I wanted it. He hates me now. He hates that I took off and didn’t anything to him or anyone else. I understand where he’s coming from, but I don’t think he’ll like my explanation of why I left. Maybe one day he’ll understand, but I don’t think that today or this week is now.

So this is my farewell to you. At least until the next letter. I think I’m going to get some ice cream. Cookie dough and mint, just like when we were kids. I know the skipping dinner wasn’t ideal, but it was necessary.

Sweet dreams Luc.

Love always and forever and beyond.

Eden

Looking over the letter, Eden could feel the tears come to her eyes. This wasn’t the first letter she wrote to her brother, nor would it be the last. Walking into the front room of the hotel, she saw the fireplace was still going. At least she didn’t need to relight it. Moving the safety gate, Eden let the letter fall from her hand and into the flames. She put the gate back as she watched the fire burn the letter. Upon her travels, an old woman told her that if she wanted to tell her brother something that all she needed to do was write it down and burn what she wrote and it would find him. She had only done a few letters, but burning them kind of made sense to her. Wiping the tears from her eyes, Eden couldn’t help but wonder if Luc ever got the letters.

Missing Luc was like breathing, it was hard not to do.

Standing up, Eden made her way to the suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and a tee. Changing out of the pajamas she had been in all day, she got dressed and put her shoes on before grabbing her bag and the hotel room key. Leaving the hotel, she made her to the ice cream shop she had seen the other day. She left her rental car in the parking lot and decided to walk the distance. It was only a few blocks and she had her jacket on, so it wasn’t too bad.

As soon as she got there, she waited for her turn to order. As she looked around, she saw a face that she hadn’t expected to see. Pulling up the hood of her jacket above her head, she smiled at the teenaged cashier before ordering the one thing she really wanted. After paying she moved over so the next person in line could order something as well.

Not moving too far, she tried not to look over at where she had seen him a little bit ago. Unfortunately, her curiosity got the better of her. Glancing over to the table she saw him with some guys she assumed were his friends and possibly his teammates. With a deep sigh, she saw her ice cream was waiting for her. Picking up the bag she grabbed two spoons and placed them in there before turning and running into a chest. “Sorry.” Eden mumbled as she went to side step the person, but she saw he moved with her. Looking up Eden saw the man she had been surprised to see at this ice cream place.

“You said, you’d be there.”

“I couldn’t do it,” Eden said. “I’m sorry Kris.”

“You promised.”

“I know and I said I’m sorry,” Eden said running her left hand through her hair. “And I mean it. Today was a bad day.”

Grabbing her left hand, he looked at her ring finger. “You’re engaged?”

“No,” Eden said, tears coming to her eyes. “It was a gift from Luc. I had told him once that I wanted a diamond ring and then I wouldn’t have to go through the whole marriage falling apart thing. It would just save me the time and money.”

“You don’t want to get married?”

“Kris, I’m a mess. My life is a mess,” Eden said. “No one would want to marry a girl like me. No one wants the baggage that comes with me. And no one can measure of to his standards.”

“What were you doing that made you miss the dinner?” Kris asked, “Your mother and Charlene both miss you."

“I miss them too, but it’s so hard to sit or look at them or even you without bursting into tears,” Eden told him as she wriggled her hand out of his grasp. “I’m so sorry Kris.”

Before he could say anything, she went around him. The tears in her eyes stung just as badly as they had when she first learned that Luc had died. And now she was hurting his friend, who hadn’t done anything wrong. He was asking a simple question and she had to get emotional over it. It wasn’t like he was telling her that Luc’s death was her fault, no it seemed that he was just worried over her well being.

Feeling the tears fall from her eyes, Eden didn’t even bother to wipe them away. There was no point. New ones would take the place of the fallen ones. As she crossed the street, she heard someone calling her name. Knowing by the voice that it was Kris, she picked up her pace and when that didn’t make him stop and turn back around, she broke out into a full run towards the hotel.

Unfortunately for her as she got to the hotel, Kris finally caught up to her. “Eden, just stop. There’s something I need to tell you.”

Sliding the key into the slot, she unlocked the door and opened it. Looking at Kris, she gestured for him to go in first. Watching him step inside the hotel room, Eden took a deep breath before following him inside. Since it was nice and warm inside, she tossed her jacket on the table that was by the window. Taking the ice cream out of the bag, she tossed the lid on the table before digging into it.

“Same old Eden.”

“I’m not the same Kris,” she said as she locked eyes with him. “A lot had changed.”

“But not the important things,” he said watching as she sat against the headboard of the bed. “You left. You left without telling anyone anything or explaining anything.”

“I tried to tell you. I really did, but I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“You would have talked me out of going, but I’m not sorry that I left. Leaving was important.”

“Luc wouldn’t have approved.”

“You don’t know that!” Eden yelled at him. “When I first brought up the subject he told me it was a good idea in maybe a year, but after what happened I moved the date up. This trip was needed for me to find who I am without my best friend and brother.”

“We all lost him,” Kris reminded her. “You were the only one that took off.”

“Because I felt the most guilt,” Eden said. “I should have told him no about the motorcycle. But I didn’t and now he’s gone.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that,” Kris told her. “I was going to get one along with him.”

“But he wouldn’t have gotten it if I hadn’t said to.” Eden said as she got up from the bed.

Placing her ice cream on the bedside table, she was about to go around him, but he pulled her into him. “You can’t blame yourself. There was nothing you could do.”

Burying her face into his chest, Eden let herself cry as Kris held her and rubbed her back. This was not how she pictured this day happening. Not at all.