Robin, Boy Virgin: Original Series

I woke up, looked up at Pink Floyd's prism, and closed my eyes again.

The cycle of life continues. We are at the bottom of the wheel again, folks. It's Monday. Let's change things up and make a list of pros and cons:

Con= You all know why I, me specifically, hate Mondays. Virgin? Cruel mocking? You get it by now, I'm sure.

Con= Some LG buttholes made a flyer of me. I was sure that I was going to have deal with flyers all over school today, despite that thing Harold mentioned about Mean Girls versus Reality.

Con= Monday means tiredness and boredom and everyone despising being stuck in school.

Con= Jazz Band. Force fed dinner with Linda.

But,

Pro= I had the balls-y and beautiful Cora in my corner as a friend.

Alright this is the last time I'm qualifying this: You can objectively think someone is good-looking or smart or whatever and not like them, ok? Example: I freaking hate Kim Kardashian. Of course, she's bootylicious and gorgeous, but I still hate her. Everyone clear? Good. So don't bring it up again in your head that I like Cora just because I say she's beautiful. She just is beautiful and that's the end of it.

I realize that by making a deal out of that it seems like I actually care about more Cora more than I let on. But I don't. REALLY.

Fuck you, I can hear you thinking I like her.

Ok, ok, I'm sorry. But, let's just leave it now and move on.

Although the cons vastly outweighed the pros numerically speaking, I dragged myself out of bed and took a shower. I got dressed and admired the cleaning job I did on my room. I Molly Maided that bitch, it was so clean and organized. And I was determined to keep it clean, like how everyone feels after they do a big clean on their room.

I went downstairs and, refreshingly, Linda wasn't here. My dad was dressed for work and reading the newspaper at the kitchen table.

"Hey," I mumbled, grabbing a banana.

"Morning," Glenn said kindly.

"See ya," I said heading toward the door.

"Oh, wait- well, ok. Have a good day, kiddo!" Glenn called.

"Doubtful," I muttered to myself. "Yeah, uh, you too, dad," I called back, trailing off.

I walked to school, kicking at the ground and listening to my iPod. The weather was on the program for today: it was cloudy and depressing out.

I was walking through the school parking lot when I saw an old Charger in relatively good condition pull into a parking stall. I only paid attention because Cora climbed out of the driver's seat. She saw me too.

"Boy Wonder!" She called, taking off her Wayfarer sunglasses. Fuck, she was so cool. I must look so dramatically un-cool in comparison.

"Hey," I said and walked over to her.

"What do you think, huh?" She grinned, gesturing at the car. It was pretty cool. Sigh.

"Ballin'," I said simply. She grinned at me.

"My mother bought it for me as kind of a 'sorry for breaking up with your dad and making you move' gift," She said. I held up my iPod.

"Forgive me for divorcing your mom," I related. Cora smiled and walked over to me. We started walking up to the school together.

"Mondays usually disgust me, but I got to drive my new ride to school," Cora said cheerfully. Yeah, she was too cheerful for Monday.

"Mondays make me barf," I said. Cora gave me a sympathetic look and patted my elbow.

"It'll be alright," She said. I sighed and stopped before entering the school. Cora stopped too and looked at me curiously.

"Do me a favour and just super fast scope out the hall. Tell me if those damn flyers are posted up everywhere, so I can prepare myself," I requested cryptically. Cora gave me a look and her hard blue eyes were condescending. But she rolled those eyes of hers and aggressively opened the school's front door and went inside. I waited impatiently.

"All clear!" Cora poked her head out the door. Really??

I went inside and sure enough, there weren't any flyers anywhere. No one was handing out the flyers and no one was giving me extra weird looks. Just the regular glances of "there goes Robin the virgin, what a loser".

Cora and I went to my locker. She leaned against another locker to my left, absentmindedly propping her legs out at a sexy angle. I freaking hate her. She's too hott. She stole my iPod from my hands and started scrolling through it critically. I opened my locker. A few condoms fell out, but I caught them and just threw them back in.

"Hi... Robin?"

I looked over to my right. A girl I recognized as Bonnie, who was in my grade, was standing there. All I know about her is that her name is Bonnie and that she's in my grade.

"Hi Bonnie," I said, frowning. She's never spoken to me before. But then, quite a few new people were paying unwelcome attention to me lately. Well, most of them were unwelcome.

"I heard about... what happened in Health Class," Bonnie said. Oh brother, was she going to ask me out because I was challenge, too?

I raised my eyebrows and just waited impatiently.

"And, um, I also heard that you asked Amanda to... you know," Bonnie went on. What the fuck, why are you telling me this??

"That was a total lie. I didn't beg Amanda or anyone else to have sex with me," I snapped immediately.

"Oh, good. I thought maybe it wasn't true because of the flyer," Bonnie said. Oh no.

"... how do you know about that?" I finally managed to demand. I glanced over at Cora. She shook her head and shrugged, clueless as me. I looked back at Bonnie.

"Oh. Don't worry. I only know about that because my stupid little sister and her friends made it on my laptop. I haven't told anyone and I gave those girls a talking to," Bonnie said. Um, did she just say she gave her little sister a ‘talking to’? I still wasn't feeling good about this conversation.

"Uh. Ok. Thanks, I guess," I said, frowning again. I heard a giggle escape from the sexy jerk behind me. I glanced vaguely over my shoulder and then looked back at Bonnie.

"So listen. I was really glad to hear that you are still waiting before you give away your purity," Bonnie said. God, there must be a way to say "I'm a virgin who's waiting for love before I have sex" without sounding like a total dork.

"You were?" I asked. Why does she care? Bonnie smiled.

"Yes. And I would like you to know, that you are being very smart about your virginity and that you aren't alone in your decision," Bonnie said. I told you there were more undeclared virgins!

Wait a second-

"I'd like to invite you to join L.O.V.E.," Bonnie said and handed me a small flyer. I'm getting really sick of flyers.

I've only ever read about abstinence clubs in magazines. I mean, you read these statistics and you hear about these strange, super-Christian kids who are boasting that they are the new breed of rebel: choosing to abstain from sex rather than have it. But, you don't think they actually exist. I was so sure those clubs were a total fabrication, a government conspiracy to keep us from having sex and costing everyone money with our teenage pregnancies. But, oh, Robin. You silly, stupid, fucker. Of course these clubs are real and of course their president is asking you to join.

"Don't worry, you don't have to religious or anything, just choosing to make smart decisions. We meet Mondays and Wednesdays after school," Bonnie went on. I never thought I'd say this ever in my life but, thank God for Jazz band.

"I can't. I have Jazz band," I said immediately, staring at Bonnie. Well, I guess Jazz band is really just another abstinence club. No one in Jazz band is getting laid.

"Oh," Bonnie said, looking defeated for only a moment. Then she perked up. "Well, I'm sure we can work something out," She grinned. She looked crazed.

"Uhh," I said, lost for words.

"I gotta get going to class, but um, I'll talk to you later," She said, sincerely. She meant it. She was going to hunt me down and corner me in the urinals if she had to, I could tell.

"Yeah," I said, still stunned. Bonnie smiled and walked away. She gave Cora a friendly smile as she passed. As soon as she was out of earshot, Cora snatched the flyer from my hands.

"L.O.V.E.: Life Of Virtue for Eternity. LOVE is about making wise decisions: choosing to respect your body and wait to be in a committed relationship, namely and preferably marriage, before engaging in sexual acts. Remaining abstinent isn't only for religious people, it's for anyone who respects themselves and wants the best life experience possible," Cora read out loud for me.

I watched her read it and then she looked up at me and I was looking in those shining blue eyes.

"I think we should go," She said with a grin. I snatched the flyer from her and tossed it into my locker.

"Shut up. And besides, you weren't invited," I said, rummaging around in my locker for my Geography binder. Cora put her hand on her hip.

"You assuming I'm not a virgin, boy-o?" She called me out. I stopped my rummaging. Oh crap, I'm a douche. Lesson moment:

1.) Never mention a girl's weight in front of the girl.

2.) Never say anything bad about her hair, either.

And

3.) Never, EVER assume a girl isn't a virgin. It's probably the biggest asshole move you can make.

"No," I finally lied. "What was the abstinence program like at your old school?" I asked and looked at Cora. She looked at me and then made a face and turned away, adjusting her back against the lockers. I smirked to myself and went back to rummaging in my locker. I knew it! Cora was totally a woman of experience.

Siigh.

"Who's that?" Cora asked me suddenly. I looked at her and then in the direction she was looking. She was looking at Brandon, one of those prick, popular boys. I'm sure one or two of the condoms that have been stashed in my locker were his contribution. Brandon was fiddling obviously with his textbook. He'd been looking over this way.

"Brandon. One of evil boy toys. Ugh, he probably heard everything that just happened and is plotting to crucify me at lunch," I said and looked back in my locker.

"No, I think he was looking at me," Cora said honestly. Oh. Well I guess that's... better.

And, it, well, makes sense. Cora's all sexy and stuff. Why wouldn't he look at her? Hm. Mhm. Mhm. Yep. Makes, makes sense. And that's all I'm going to say about that.