Robin, Boy Virgin: Original Series

On Saturday morning, I opened my eyes. No headache. Nice! I started to sit up. Hey I actually felt ok-

I barely made it to the bathroom. I threw up allll the contents of my stomach. Shit, did I really have that much to drink?? I flushed the toilet, groaned, and shuffled back to my bedroom and crawled back into bed. How to avoid a hangover (what I should have done, but stupidly didn't):

1.) Make sure you eat while you drink and make sure to pace yourself.

2.) This one is KEY: when you're totally drunk, drink a LOT of water before you go to sleep. I'm talking at least two big glasses full. Like the blanket trick, this works miiiracles.

And

3.) Just don't drink so much that you get wasted. Just don't do it. Drink in moderation. Because you know what happens when you get drunk out of your gourd? You make big mistakes that you severely regret later.

Like, for instance, you tell your sexy, scary friend that you have a big thing for her. And you also tell her that you want to kiss her in her cool car. And guess what? When you say things like that, you ruin your life, not to mention your friendship with said sexy, scary girl.

I groaned. I was dying. My hangover was awful and I had single-handedly destroyed every last shred of dignity I had. Cora was the one person in my life who was cool, who had understood me, who had not only been there for me; she had stuck up for me. She had become my freaking rock in our relatively short time of being friends. And I'd ruined EVERYTHING by telling Cora that I liked her. I'd freaking told her that I wanted to kiss her! Oh God. Oh Gaawwd.

There was a knock on the door.

"Please go away," I groaned. There was a pause and then Glenn opened my door a crack anyway. Was he freaking deaf?

"Hey kiddo. You got home pretty late last night," He said.

"Oh, uh, sorry?" I asked.

"... Robin, did you drink last night?" Glenn asked me carefully, trying not to accuse me, but he sounded suspicious anyway.

"What?" I asked, stalling.

"I heard you throw up just now and, well, kid, you reek of beer," Glenn said, raising an eyebrow at me. I groaned again.

"... yeah. I did. And, dad, you don't need to punish me. Trust me, the consequences I've brought upon myself are far worse than any kind of punishment you could give me," I assured him, sounding dreadfully depressed. I smothered my now pounding head with a spare pillow.

"You messed up with a girl, huh?" Glenn said knowingly. Wow. Maybe he knows because it's genetic.

"Bingo," I grunted from under my pillow.

"Well, you're grounded for a week, anyway," Glenn said. I heard him enter my room and I pulled the pillow of my head to request he please get lost. But I saw he had a big glass of water in his hand. He put it on my bedside table and revealed he had a couple of aspirins in his hand too. He put the pills on my bedside table.

"Take the aspirin. And drink all the water," He instructed me.

"K. Thanks," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes.

"... and I'm sure that whatever happened with the girl will blow over," Glenn assured me. Well, I guess he should know. His whole marriage just "blew over".

"Ok. Um, thanks dad," I said. Glenn smiled a little at me.

"Drink your water, wino," He said and left me alone.

I took my aspirin and drank all of my water. I lay in bed, waiting for this "feeling better" business to happen. It was taking its sweet time.

Alright, ok, so while I'm lying here in bed dying to death, I might as well come up with a game plan just in case I don't die and have to go to school on Monday:

1.) Ok, so, Cora does all sorts of physical, suggestive things to me and I don't let it ruin our friendship. I mean, she has pretty much dry-humped me twice and I don't assume that she has a thing for me. So just because I drunkenly confessed that I have a crush on her doesn't actually mean that I, um, do have one.

Or...well... maybe I do like Cora.

Wait. Fuck. No, I don't like Cora. What am I saying?? I have actively NOT liked Cora from the beginning.

Oh stop being delusional, you dumb shit. Wake up and smell the coffee; you know, just face the goddamn music. You like Cora, Robin. You like her, you like her, you just freaking like her. Ok, let's try this list thing again:

1.) I like Cora and I told Cora that I like her. Now the real question was did I actually want something to come from me liking her. Well, I mean, I guess I did. But let's be realistic: the day Cora likes me like that is the day hell freezes over and flying pigs take their place as leaders of the free world.

2.) So, then, now that I've established that, here's what I'm going to do: act like it never happened. I just, I never said it, plain and simple. And if Cora brings it up, which she won't because why would she? I mean, it was probably really awkward for her and she'd rather just forget about it. But on the tiny, tiny off chance that she does bring it up: I was drunk and, and, and I was crazy and, and yeah. That's it. I was drunk.

3.) So I was drunk and crazy and Cora would just forget the whole thing.

This whole thing would just blow over, like Glenn promised it would.