Robin, Boy Virgin: Original Series

On Tuesday, I was sitting in the cafeteria with Harold and Max and Clarissa. Max and Clarissa were whispering to each other very secretively, making me slightly sick, and Harold was still reading The God Delusion.

Cora and Minnie hadn't arrived yet. And I was a little anxious about when they did, since, you know, I'd asked out Minnie when I really liked Cora.

I think it's safe to say I'm screwed. And not in the way that relieves me of my damn virginity; in the messed up and doomed way.

"Where are Minnie and Cora?" Harold asked, looking up at me knowingly. He's thinking about how I said I liked Cora. Something I should say about Harold:

1.) As we all know, he's got a lot of zen and occasionally it pisses me off.

2.) He has been my friend and stuck by me, which forces me to still like and want his friendship, even when he bugs the crap out of me.

3.) Harold could work for the freaking CIA as a human lie detector. His zen makes him see right through deceit a lot of the time and he only sees truth. And that's not good for me, the chronic, delusional liar.

"Not sure," I answered nonchalantly. Harold raised an eyebrow at me and rested his chin on the top of his book.

"Did you talk to Cora yesterday?" He asked me.

"ShCHT!" I made a weird, kinda German sounding hiss. I glanced at Max and Clarissa and widened my eyes at Harold. Harold nodded, loyally keeping quiet, and looked down at his book again.

I took a bite of the baby carrot in my hand. Glenn had been struck with paternal instincts this morning and had made me a lunch. A baggie filled with baby carrots, a chicken salad sandwich and a granola bar. As a dad, he sometimes makes the grade.

I chewed on my carrot and looked out at the cafeteria. Oh there they are. Cora and Minnie, walking this way. Super. The thing is, Minnie isn't, like, totally unfortunate looking. It's not like she's repulsive or anything... but, well, I don't WANT to sound like an ass, but in my head I can sound like one. Alright, so here's a comparison of Minnie and Cora.

1.) Body type: They are both skinny. Well, lean you know. Not like anorexic skinny. I'm not too picky, actually, about weight. A little meat on a girl is ok too. Curves are kind of undeniable.

-a- Minnie is short as well as slim, which makes her tiny. And I do kind of like tiny because of my own insecurities. I'm tall and not, like, sickly, but on the skinny side; and when a girl is tiny in comparison to a guy, it makes the guy feel manlier. Isn't that fucked? But it's true, ladies, guys are fraught with body conscious issues too. Hell, as long as you have boobs (of any size really) and a smile we're pretty much good.

-b- Cora, in comparison, was tall and slim, which is, you know, really hott. But it's kind of intimidating. Not really physically, because I'm still bigger than her, but her tall girl height just added to her coolness, you know? Like it eliminated her from being cute, and just skipped straight to sexy, and that scares guys a little. Well, it scares me.

2.) Faces: Minnie's got a cute as a button Chinese girl face. The slanted eyes, the tiny nose, and all that. She's got nice straight teeth, thin lips, and wide cheekbones. All in all, very cute. But at the same time she was kind of asexual. Like, she doesn't really make you wild with desire. Which, don't get me wrong, is great. Cute is approachable. Wild with desire makes you want them like crazy, but scares the crap out of you.

Cora: wild with desire. I hate her, I like her.

3.) Personality: Ok, so, Minnie can be...well you know her. She's a little formal, a little stiff, and then a little totally strange. Like the condom thing. Random. And she is in Jazz band, which isn't working for her either. But I can't really talk because, uh, I'm in Jazz band too.

Cora is feisty, confident, witty, fascinating... the list doesn't end. I might be biased since I have stupid crazy crush on her, but I think that, you know, even an objective observer would say Cora's personality is pretty awesome... r-right?

Well, I don't know anymore. I'm far too freaking involved now.

The girls came and sat down next to me. But they switched spots. Minnie sat next to me, and Cora sat on the end. And I felt like a first rate douche bag for being disappointed and not pleased. I wanted Cora next to me. But I'd asked out Minnie, so it was fair of them to have switched spots. Fuck, I'm just a terrible person.

"Hey," Cora said to everyone, opening her Coke can. All three of the people on the other side of the table looked at the new seating arrangement, confused. Harold looked at Minnie and Cora and then at me.

"Hi," Harold said calmly. He gave the girls a smile and then looked down at his book. Minnie put her hands in her lap. Cora offered her one of her corn chips and Minnie took one. Max and Clarissa went back to whispering to each other. I glared at them, just because I really, really needed to glare at something.

"Oh Robin, Mr. Giraldi cancelled Jazz band on Wednesday and he asked me to pass on the message," Minnie told me. Oh, bonus. No Jazz band. That cheered me up. I nodded, pleased, and gave Minnie the messenger an appreciative smile.

"So Boy Wonder, do you have a plan all set out for Friday night?" Cora piped up. Oh. Fuck. Her. I hate her. Why do I like her so much?? I hate her.

"U-um, not quite. Getting there," I said, nodding at Cora. I glanced at Minnie. She gave me a very calm, very Harold-esque smile. I micro-smiled back at her, feeling awkward. And like an asshole.

"What's up on Friday?" Harold asked innocently. He turned a page in his book, and then glanced up at me.

"Um," I began quietly. I wasn't sure how to just break the news.

"BW asked Minnie out on a date," Cora told him. Her voice was quiet, secretive and her smile was pure evil. Ooooh. If she was a dude, I'd freaking take her down. However, if she was a guy, I wouldn't be into her in the first place, and my life would be sooo much simpler, oh my god.

"Did he, now?" Harold said, interested. Harold looked at me. I glared at him. And he totally understood my glare. He looked from Minnie to Cora and then at me again. He shook his head slightly at me. He was chastising me. He knows I'm being a douche.

"Mhm," Minnie answered casually.

"You better treat her right, Boy Wonder, or you'll have me to answer to," Cora threatened, narrowing her eyes at me and hugging Minnie's shoulders. I glared at Cora and Cora just grinned at me. Oh God she is so beautiful.

And you know what? I think she was hanging on to a suspicion that I still liked her. She is so full of herself, even if she is right on the money. And if I was going to pull this off, then I was really going to pull it off. I was going to throw up all the smoke and mirrors and totally blow Cora out of the water.

Harold would still see through me. But he can go to hell right along with me.

"Don't worry, Cora. I will," I said, defensive, but managing to pull off almost confident. I didn't hate Minnie. Cora made me crazy. I could do this. I gave Minnie a genuine smile and she blinked and smiled back at me.