Robin, Boy Virgin: Original Series

That night, I was lying in bed, looking up at the Pink Floyd prism in the dark. The nurse and Mrs. Hicks had brought Brandon back into the waiting room where Cora and I were. He looked pretty miserable, but calm. The bastard had a white bandage across his nose and getting dark circles under his eyes. Way to go, Cor.

Mrs. Hicks gave us a talking to, but all three of us operated under the story that we didn't hate each other, had been playing around, and things had gotten out of hand was all. Mrs. Hicks didn't buy it, but none of us, not even Brandon, said any different. 'We'd just been goofing around, Mrs. Hicks, honest.' And 'Sorry about the black eye, buddy'. 'No worries, bro. Sorry Cora totally owned you and broke your nose, you motha fucka'. Well, I didn't say that exactly, but I was thinking it.

Glenn was a mess when I came home. He was totally un-cool and fretted about my black eye. Like, I've gotten into a scrap or two before, but that was when I was younger. He asked me worried questions while Linda remained totally chill and just put some aloe vera on my eye.

I was kind of glad, actually, that Linda was there. It's nice to have someone taking care of you when you're hurt, and it would have been a little weird if it was my dad rubbing aloe vera on my eye. Linda was calm and it was especially nice to have a woman taking care of my injured eye, even if it was my dad's girlfriend.

So I was lying in bed, too many things in my head to sleep. I could barely see the poster on my ceiling, but I've stared at it so much, I knew exactly what I was looking at, even if it was completely dark in my room. Embody me for a moment, and imagine how euphoric I'm feeling. I fucking kissed Cora Melaincamp. I did, I really did it.

I feel almost like I've been selected as the one person to represent everyone who's ever had an unrequited, crazy crush on someone. I've acted on my crush, on behalf of every person who's been hopelessly in love with some other really cool person. You know, like, at least once in your life you fall really hard for someone who you think is totally out of your league. And I have acted as a spokesperson for anyone who's been retarded and in love with some wickedly cool person. I kissed Cora for all of you, my awkward peers.

And when something as epic as kissing Cora happens, you keep thinking about it. Like, it just kept replaying in my mind, on some kind of addicted loop. Every feeling, every movement, I keep remembering all of it. I guess my brain was going over the experience in this obsessive manner so that it would be come ingrained in my long term memory. I never wanted to forget any of it, and my brain was on the program to help me remember.

Cora and I hadn't really talked after the kiss. I mean, the nurse came in with Brandon and his bloody nose and we got chewed out by Mrs. Hicks. My eye was so sore, I skipped Jazz band went home. Cora kind of hurried off when Mrs. Hicks was finished with us. I mean, she smiled and looked me in the eyes (making me nuts) and waved... but there was no, like, concrete understanding between us.

So, then, I was lying there awake because:

1.) My mind was a-workin' away, ingraining my kiss with Cora in my memory. And I was loving every second of that. I could feel my heart pounding, loving that these memories were real. I hadn't made it up, it was real actual history! That was the main reason I couldn't fall asleep.

2.) Cora had kissed me back. Do you know what that means?? Because I don't. I know what it implies though. It suggests that sexy, scary Cora may have feelings for me as well! Can you freaking imagine?? Like, why she would have feelings like that for me, I don't know. I guess we're quite good friends, so that could have grown into something a little more for her. So, that aspect was definitely keeping me up.

3.) Now, on the other hand, though (and this is where my well-established worry-wart, negative personality wriggles back into my thinking), Cora could have just been caught up in the moment. Cuz, you know, I didn't really give her any time to decide if she wanted to kiss me. Like, I was right there, so her options were to either just let the crazy kid kiss her or whip her head back. So, that aspect kind of worries me.

4.) Also, even though Cora had kissed me back, and even if she did actually have feelings for me, that didn't necessarily mean that she and I were going to get together. I mean, that would be my pathetic romantic's dream come true: to have Cora as my girlfriend, exclusively mine, to love like crazy openly.

But, as you may recall, Cora is skeptical about relationships: she feels she can't do them at all. There are obviously some serious issues there, creating some serious obstacles. And I wasn't at all confident in myself to believe that I could be 'the one' for her that changes her heart and mind. I mean, she is definitely a 'the one' for me. The Pink Floyd prism t-shirt!!! If that isn't some kind of teenage destiny, I don't know what is. But in what universe could I be the one for Cora? Definitely not the universe we're currently living in, my friend. I can tell you that with confidence.

So all that was squishing around in my brain. On the one hand, I was deliriously happy because I'd actually freaking kissed Cora, and on the other hand I was horribly worried and nervous, because I could potentially get my heart freaking put through the shredder. I mean, Cora wouldn't want to do that to me (I'd like to believe, since we are buddies), but she would be doing it none-the-less. I realize that's a little unfair to her: because she'd just want to be truthful and not lead me on. Which is a good thing, in theory.

Reality is a whole different story.

I adjusted my back and blinked. Ouch, my eye. Before I'd gone to bed, Linda had wet a face cloth was cool water, wrung out the excess water, and advised me to hold it over my eye when it bothered me. So I did that now. Hm, the damp, cool cloth actually helped the pain. When was freaking Linda ever in a fight? You know, like, why did she have this knowledge? Because, I'd kind of like to hear that story.

Alright. Ok. Ok, ok. I am good at two things (at the least) and those things are worrying (obviously right?) and planning. I mean, my plans rarely get put into action, but I like planning anyway. It makes me feel like I have some control... even if I have absolutely no goddamn control whatsoever.

Ok so, the plan:

1.) I would not freak out and be obsessive and drooling all over Cora tomorrow. It would be hard, like actually. I was sure that the moment I saw her, I'd have this massive urge to stick my tongue down her beautiful, Cora throat. So, I should probably control that.

2.) I would force myself to talk to Cora. I mean really talk, about the vulnerable, hard stuff. Like about how she felt, what she wanted, and (even freaking harder) how I honestly felt. That was... that was going to be tough.

3.) I would not sell myself short. I may be not as cool as Cora (or as witty or as beautiful or as charming etc.), but I am still a human being. I deserve some freaking happiness! You know, like, I'm a good person, generally, and Cora and I pretty close. I wasn't totally deluded to think I had somewhat of a shot with her. I might not be as popular or as good-looking as Brandon (two qualities that, unfortunately, matter a great deal more in high school than they really should), but I'm not a total asswipe either (unlike the douche puppy).

So, you know, like, I really, really, really care about Cora. I'm going to believe that that factor was something that mattered in this whole, complicated situation. I love Cora and I want to be with her, so I'm not going to freaking just lie down without putting up a fight. Cora can be as confusing and issue ridden as she wanted when she tried to dissuade from wanting to be with her (I'm predicting that she's going to do that), but I'm not going to let her talk me out of it. Or, rather, I'm not going to pretend that I've been talked out of wanting to be with her (because, at this point, pretty much nothing can change my in love mind). I'm fucking telling her what I want because what I want does matter!

I'm particularly proud of that decision to believe what I want matters. I feel like its personal growth.