Robin, Boy Virgin: Original Series

I was sitting on my bed. My knees were bent, and my elbows were propped on my knees. I held the sides of my head loosely in my hands. I’d gotten dressed- I couldn’t take being partially naked. I’d made my bed, I couldn’t take it being all… rumpled and, and in its disarray from… last night.

After Cora had left, I knelt there on the floor for I don’t know how long. For a long time I guess. I just… I’d kind of forgotten about moving or… something. Eventually I got to my feet and made myself climb back upstairs. I got to my bedroom, still feeling like a zombie, and walked over to my dresser. I had put on jeans and a t-shirt, then glanced at my bed. I tugged the sheets, I straightened the pillows, and I tucked in my comforter. I’d managed, somehow, to do the task without looking at the entire breadth or… like, scope of the bed.

When I was done, though, I took a small step back and finally truly looked at my bed. Then, out of nowhere, a burst of rage had shot through me. I’d jumped up on the bed and tore my Pink Floyd poster from off the ceiling. I threw it behind me and punched the wall. I’ve never done that. It hurt. After that, my rage disappeared completely, taking the rest of any energy I had with it. I turned and slid down the wall until I was sitting on the bed.

I was in the position I described earlier. I hadn’t moved all day. It was very strange, like my body decided that now I didn’t need to eat. Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck my existence. Fuck my parents. Fuck Harold. Fuck Amanda. Fuck Brandon. Fuck… fuck Cora. Fuck my love for Cora. Fuck it all.

I would try and make a list here, but usually list making makes me happy. I don’t, I don’t want to know how depressed I’d feel if I tried to make a list and failed. Or made a list and realized I felt just as bad. I just… I don’t want to do it. I’m not up to it, now.

I have never felt this shitty before in my life. I’ve never had anything that dramatic and heart-wrenching happen to me. I mean, when my parents split up, I kind of saw it coming- all the fighting and stuff. And then, well, you know my dad- mushy bastard hugged me and took care of me and my mother was very gentle through the whole thing. With April, I never felt like her leaving was her fault. She handled telling me the news gently, kindly, cuddled against my shoulder and cried just a little. We hugged each other for a long time.

As much as my reasoning and logic tries to tell me otherwise, it just feels like Cora is choosing to do this to me. Like, I can’t make my brain believe it, but my emotions feel it, you know? Like, in the back of mind I know that Cora would never freely choose to totally, just, crush me like this. But it sure as hell feels that way.

I felt heavy. I felt like I had been going along with my life; walking along, normal, steady and boring. And then suddenly someone shoved me on a roller coaster, and I fucking sky rocketed to the top of the world and then came abruptly crashing down immediately after the highest high. I stumble off the ride, crawling on my hands and knees, trying not to throw up. This was far too much for one person to handle. Like, we as humans like things to be slow and eventual (for the most part). You know? Like, when really big changes happen, we need time to process. We are creatures of habit and familiarity.

How can I have, have, have had sex for the first time and then had my heart completely shattered only a few hours later?? Like, shouldn’t these kind of intense, life altering emotions be spread out a little more??

I rubbed my forehead and bent my head to my knees, my hands sliding back through my hair. I was trying not to fall over and burst into tears. I mean, I cried on and off the whole day (I’ll admit it and betray my manhood), but they weren’t hysterical tears. They just… sometimes I couldn’t keep them in and they came out of my eyes. I don’t know.

And after everything, I can’t regret it. I just… I can’t regret having sex with Cora. I don’t know how I’m doing it, but I’ve separated the event of our sex with the event of Cora breaking me. Like, I don’t feel like my first time was ruined somehow, that’s something entirely different. Cora was in love with me and I was in love with her. Afterward, she turned and fell back into her… fears, I guess. There’s the heart-breaking, yes, but then there’s the sex, and it was good and it was real and it wasn’t, wasn’t… it was not a mistake.

So, I don’t regret it and I just can’t think it was a mistake. I don’t believe it; my missing heart, my lungs, my brain doesn’t buy it for one second. We don’t believe it was a mistake. I was in love with Cora, and I still fucking am. Just as much, just as hard, just as crazy. I wouldn’t be hurting so fucking much if I didn’t still love her.

How can I still love her? Shouldn’t I hate her now?

Whoa, fuck. I can’t even entertain the idea of hating her. I’m trying not to picture her crying and yelling about her old life and hurting me. I’m trying not to remember making love to her, like, just 10 hours earlier. Both of those intense memories are having a fucking tug-of-war in my mind, pulling me apart-

Oh. Tearing me into a million pieces. Was this… was this how Cora had felt?? I don’t… I don’t know.

And I don’t regret the things that I said. And, for once in my neurotic, worry wart life, I don’t have any thoughts or words left over that I wish I had said, but didn’t say. I’ve said everything I’ve wanted to say to Cora. I’ve told her I’m in love with her, I’ve told her I don’t want anyone else, I’ve told her I want to make love to her, I’ve made love to her, I’ve accused her of being jealous and scared. And I’ve finally demanded she tell me why she keeps running away from me.

If she loves me, as she says she does, why does she keeping running away?

Because she wants her family back together, Robin. But they aren’t going to be back together, brain. But you understand how that feels, don’t you? Yes, yes, yes I do. But it’s in the past, and Cora’s parents love her, its pretty plain. She shouldn’t let what her parents did ruin her life now. She should see that they love her and that… that… I love her. I don’t want her to keep holding on to something that doesn’t exist, and be in pain about it. That’s horrible. I want her to be happy. Doesn’t she deserve that??

…You’re right.

Damn straight, I’m right. I might be clinically insane and so in love that it’s ruining me, but I’m right and I know it.

"... You're right. You're always right," Cora said, hauling herself to sit up and bending her knee to help her balance. I kept rubbing her shins while she leaned on her legs and her face was near mine.

Don’t. Don’t do it, Robin’s mind-

"No! Robin, please don't leave! You're the only person left in the world that I'd do, like, anything for," She confessed without thinking about it.

Stop it! Don’t do this-

“I love you, Cora. More than anything,” I said, my eyes closed. Cora sighed, and kissed along my cheek.

“I know, Boy Wonder. I know,” She whispered. “I love you too. Just as hard,” She said.

No! Fuck you! I felt hot tears leak out of me.

FUCK YOU.