Undisclosed Desires

It’s been almost a month since Matt contacted Lisa, and nothing. He never got a reply. Jenny replied, though, telling him that they would come to our show. But she didn’t reply. I felt weird about that, but I played cool.

Or at least I tried. I couldn’t even concentrate. It was ridiculous. Every time we were out and I had a chance of having sex with a bird, I just couldn’t get her off my mind. I wasn’t sure whether it was her or simply the fact that she had ignored me that made me think of her so much. I wanted to believe it was the latter.

We were flying there in three days and I had to do something; so I texted her. Again, no reply! She was driving me insane.

In the meantime, Jenny kept in contact with Matt. They were coming for sure, no matter what. I assumed Lisa was just being herself; trying to avoid situations and running away. And that’s why I texted her again that day. She had to come.

[+++]

When the elevator’s door opened and revealed her figure, I felt my palms sweat. She was so sexy. The moment our eyes met she smiled and she walked forward. She would have to come to me.

She was actually making me nervous. Girls just couldn’t do that to me. So I got right to the point, trying to seduce her. But as always, she was playing games with me.

I missed her games. The flirting and seducing, the pretence that she gives up until I make a move. She was leading me right where she wanted, until I made her follow my rules.

Our first night together was as intense as I expected it to be. I was sure she actually understood how much I wanted her. I was so hard, I couldn’t even let her give me a blow job. Imagine me passing on a blow job!

Until I let it slip that I hadn’t had sex in a month. I could almost feel her freaking out. I had to remind her again that I wasn’t intending to break her heart. Maybe win her heart, but surely not break it.

When I woke up the next morning, she was gone. I was so annoyed and irritated. It was so childish. I already knew where she lived!

I showed up at her apartment demanding an explanation. She looked like a kid caught doing something wrong. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn’t have told her about my recent lack of sex. I definitely shouldn’t have mentioned the reason for that; because I couldn’t get her out of mind. Of course she would freak out.

I knew a joke will lighten the mood, and I was right. She became her old confident self again. Or at least the “self” she showed me. She was all over me once again, this time she even admitted that my arrogance annoyed her. She also confirmed my suspicions about her annoyance with me often shifted to her arousal. It was good to finally understand something about her. Even if it was just a tiny bit.

Understanding how she felt made me understand how I felt. Like when she admitted she missed me, I could finally say it too. And I did. But she didn’t believe me. I had to state the obvious, that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be there. And yet, I felt that she still wasn’t convinced.

I, on the other hand, was sure I felt a bit jealous when a guy had called her and asked her out. I assumed that that was the guy she’d told me she had sex with. That’s when I realized I wanted her to be mine and only mine. I wanted to take her out on a date and make her feel happy.

Yet, the only way she could be mine right now, was through sex. That’s why I begun playing with her while she was still on the phone with him; distracting her, hauling for her attention. I enjoyed the way I made her feel. She looked so beautiful while she tried to catch her breath.

From the moment I met her, Lisa made me feel so confused. I would never get used to her mood swings. One minute she was ready to attack me and the other she looked hurt and needy. I couldn’t understand her. I wanted to tell her she was beautiful but I knew it would make her uncomfortable. I noticed she never believed me when I said something good about her.

It was the night of the gig that things got out of hand. We were kissing after the show and she freaked out so much, that I freaked out too. I didn’t know what happened. First I thought she was appalled by the sweat on me, but when she mumbled, “This cannot be happening,” I knew it was something else. Before I could figure it out, she stormed out of the bathroom.

I followed her into the main room and told Jenny to go with her. She clearly wanted some time away from me. I showered and once I was sure she’d calmed down, I went outside to find her. I was prepared for her response, knowing she would never actually tell me what was on her mind. But this time I was determined to get it out of her.

I tried twice, but I could see that she was on the verge of tears and I didn’t want to make her cry. So I suggested going back to the hotel. At that point, I could surely tell one thing about that girl, she could and would do anything to avoid a conversation!

After having sex, she once again told me she missed me. Then of course she lost it. But I’d had enough. I couldn’t understand why it was such a bad thing that she missed me. She made me feel like nothing. Was it so bad having some sort of feelings for me?

Once again, the conversation was put off. But I couldn’t stand to see her cry again; it hurt. I even asked before taking a shower with her, if she maybe wanted some space. She surprised me by saying, “No”.

We went to eat afterwards. I thought that it would take her mind off of things and calm her down more but I was wrong. Once we entered the room again, she sat on the bed looking pale and ready to burst into tears. I tried to calm her down but she looked distant. That aggravated me.

“You know,” I begun, “I have feelings too.” I breathed and she turned her eyes towards me for a moment. “I don’t know what’s going through your head sometimes but it’s obvious you think that I don’t have feelings,” I spoke my thoughts out loud. I felt like a cheap little girl, feeling used but I couldn’t care less.

“No, I don’t,” she mumbled.

“Yes, you do!” I accused again, throwing myself further back into the chair. “You’re always hiding”. She looked at the floor for a moment and then stood up from the bed. “See?” I said. “You’re always doing that!”

“Doing what?”

“You’re running away! Stay here and deal with this!” I challenged and got up from the chair too.

“Deal with what exactly?” she breathed angrily.

“With this!” I motioned at the air between us. “You’re always avoiding conversations. You were avoiding me before.” She had been playing this game for most of the night; avoiding me; avoiding the conversation.

“It’s not your fault,” she mumbled.

“I know,” I snapped. I knew it was too harsh but I couldn’t help it. Maybe it was the only way to make her talk. “You’re so caught up in your thoughts and you think that you don’t deserve to be happy. Every time I feel you’re coming close, you pull back. You’re opening up and then closing again,” I said, my voice softer now.

I saw the moisture escaping her eyes before she turned her face away from me. I sighed and walked to her, but she pulled away.

“You’re driving me crazy, you know! I’m trying to get close to you and you’re pushing me away.”

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she whispered.

“Didn’t mean for what to happen?” I pressed.

“This,” she whispered again, “We were supposed to have fun. It was supposed to be just a fling. I just wanted to have fun for once and you were perfect for it. You’re a player; arrogant, attractive and you make me be something different,” she said softly.

Was she saying that I was just a toy? I knew it was a game all along, but I didn’t think she was actually serious. Her words annoyed me. Maybe because I hoped she had formed a bond to me.

“I do have feelings, you know,” I said again; trying to ignore the ache in my chest.

“I know you do, Oliver,” she pleaded, “Just not for me.”

I scoffed and she gave me a pained look. Was she being serious? Was she blind? She obviously couldn’t see that I cared for her?

“You’re so fucking blind,” I breathed and shook my head. She must have been, if she couldn’t see that I wanted her.

“What?” she asked confused. “Why?”

“Why did you leave before? At the venue,” I asked again. I wanted to understand what she was thinking back there.

“I realized something,” she replied.

“Yes?”

“I can’t,” she whispered, and I sighed, my patience was leaving me. “I’m sorry. It’s not easy for me.”

“Why?” I breathed and sat down next to her. At least she was talking.

“Because I’m scared,” she replied angrily; tears running down her cheeks. “Stop doing this,” she pleaded.

“I won’t; until you tell me why you left,” I clutched my jaw, looking at her.

“Fine!” she shot back angrily. “Every single time you want to know everything! You can’t just let me be for one moment, you just like pushing me around! I’m falling in love with you, that’s what I realized back at the venue,” she said, and got up from the bed abruptly. “Happy now?” she asked as her tears stopped running.

I was in shock. I didn’t see this one coming. Some things made sense now. Like why she was distant and bitter sometimes. She hid it well. Very well.

When I recovered from the shock, she was already in the bathroom. When I heard the lock clicking, it felt like she left again, like I’d lost her again. I couldn’t have that.

I cared too much.

And then it hit me, I had fallen for her too. That’s why I cared. That’s why I wanted her to stop feeling lonely. That’s why I wanted her to be happy.

When I heard the water running, I knew it was time to talk to her. She was still angry at me and I knew the perfect way to calm her down. She used it too. But I teased her all the way. She was great in bed when she was angry. And I enjoy teasing her so much.

Once again, she used sex to distance herself from me and from her feelings. Now that I knew how she felt, I could see right through her. I liked pissing her off so much.

“Are you still in love with me?” I smiled. She was lying on her stomach, her face towards me, her lower body covered with the sheets. I rested my elbow against the mattress and rested my cheek in my palm; looking at her.

“Are you going to shut up?” she asked back, narrowing her eyes.

“Just answer the question, love.” I raised my eyebrows. She groaned in response and I tried to suppress the grin.

“Yes,” she finally said.

“Lovely,” I mumbled.

“I told you like an hour ago. I would have forgotten about it till now?” she raised her eyebrows. “It would be nice to though.”

“No it wouldn’t,” I frowned.

“Why not?”

“You didn’t answer my question though,” I said, my mind occupied by the question I’d ask so long ago.

“What question?”

“Why did you leave?” I asked again. I still didn’t get why she left the venue.

“I’ve already told you. Like a dozen times,” she said trying to control her temper.

“I still don’t get it,” I smirked and she sighed irritated. “I just didn’t believe you finally said it,” I hurried to explain when I saw her ready to say something. “I was trying to comprehend but you run away and hide in the bathroom,” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“Where is this going?” she asked; obviously impatient.
“You’re so fucking ignorant,” I muttered. She didn’t speak and I leaned and kissed her. She wasn’t into it; I guess because she wanted to know what I was talking about.

“I’m falling in love with you too.” I felt her stiffening. “But you’re too blind to see it!” I continued.

Her face was blank. She didn’t believe me. I sighed and saw her looking at me. “Come here,” I mumbled and rolled over to my back. I put my arm around her neck and pulled her beautiful body into a hug. She curled up onto my chest and closed her eyes. “You don’t believe me do you?” I whispered, sighing. She gripped my body tighter.

“I want to,” she breathed, “but I can’t.”

I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t and it hurt. Someone must have hurt her so much. I didn’t get it how she couldn’t believe the simplest thing.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” she whispered again.

“Why?” I asked. “We’re both in it.”

As she sighed, I realized she was crying and put my right hand around her and pulled her even closer. I couldn’t stand seeing her cry.

“Please...” I pleaded.

“You’re right. I’m sorry,” she mumbled against my chest.

“I’m not saying that because you’re annoying me or anything,” I rushed to explain, “I just feel helpless when I see you like this.” Why was she always rushing to the wrong assumptions?

“Sorry to make you feel that way.”

“Stop apologizing!” I cried out , and I removed her from my arms slowly. I rolled over to my side again and faced her. “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault,” I said, my voice strict.

She wasn’t looking into my eyes anymore; she was staring blankly on my chest. “You’re leaving,” she mumbled.

So, that what it was.

“I’m here now,” I said calmly, but she didn’t move or speak. “Look at me,” I demanded. Her eyes slowly traveled from my chest to my eyes. “I’m here now,” I whispered.

But she was right. I was leaving. All I could do for now was comfort her.

She nodded and I crashed my lips onto hers in a passionate kiss, my hand keeping her face to mine as my tongue stroked hers.

Even after all was said and done, she still had sex with me like the first days; dirty and rough. I loved that about her. It wasn’t all sentimental and slow. Maybe it was the part of her that wanted to keep her distance from me, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed myself too much.

Yes, I did, even when all she needed was a hug. I was willing to change my ticket in order to stay with her. I explained that I would have to stay with her, though, because I had to check out off the hotel. I was expecting a more reluctant reply than the one I got, not that the one she gave was thrilled. It was actually a careful and measured response, but still I knew she wanted me to stay.

There were times she wasn’t afraid. I wanted to look at that face for as long as I could. Then I would blink and that free expression was gone. She was filled with fear again, like the time she asked me not to break her heart.

Any other girl would have wanted to hear that, but not her. She didn’t believe that. A simple, “I’ll try not to,” was enough for her. And Iwould try.

I would try and not break her heart but I asked her to do one thing for me. I wanted her to stop hiding from me. I wanted to see the real her at last. Without the smirk on her full lips and without the lustful looks she gave me every time she wanted to change the subject.
Her reply hurt me though. When I asked her that only thing I needed; she just said that we didn’t have too much time anyway. That actually hurt me. She still didn’t trust me.

“Can I ask you to do something?” I asked. “For me?”

“Sure,” she nodded.

“Forget everything and just...” I paused, “just be with me.” I just wanted to see her at last.

She didn’t reply for a while, making me anxious. “Okay,” she finally said; her voice small. I cracked a smile, leaned down and kissed her full lips.

It had been a week since she told me she fell in love with me. A week since I told her back; and nothing. She never said anything about it again. I had to ask. I was able to control myself and follow her pace, but this drove me crazy.

And yet again, she didn’t answer. I hoped she was just scared, but deep down I was scared she wanted to take it back. Maybe she was used to suppressing her feelings, but I wasn’t. I did what I wanted and took what was mine. My hopes found me again when she followed me into the room and begun kissing me. I knew it was her way of telling me yes.

After having sex that time, I felt her crying against my neck and soon she began sobbing. This time, I was the one that freaked out. I didn’t know what I did or what to do to calm her down. Eventually she laid in bed and later explained she was waiting for her period.

I remember wanting to laugh because, to honest, she was a drama queen, but I do know that girls are like babies around that time. If you raise your voice, you might startle them and make them cry. If her mood swings were weird before, it was nothing compare to this. But she at least explained it simple enough; a girl can be three things while on P.M.S, “hungry, horny and angry”. All true.

If she was all over me before, now she was killing me. Not that I minded. We had so much sex those three days that I thought I was drained. There were times that she fooled me though, times that I thought she was ready to finally let me in, but instead she just kept playing her games. Those times she made me so mad that I treated her like I was with any other girl, but when it was time to actually have sex with her I couldn’t help it but be careful and tender.

She was so under my skin. I felt like she was playing with me. It drove me crazy. One minute she made me feel like she needed me, and then she just turned cold and distant.

“Are you okay?” she asked. We had just had sex but this time I wasn’t in the mood. She aggravated me so much.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” I lied. I was seating on the sofa while she was kneeling on her bed; the sheets covering her body.

“No, you’re not.” She called me out my lie and I looked at her; dead serious. I didn’t speak for a while.

“Oliver?” she said finally, her voice small.

“Are you ever going to stop?” I asked, looking at her in the eye. I was furious.

“What?” she asked confused, and I shot up from my seat.

“Stop. Playing. Games.”

“I’m not,” she replied, trying to defend herself.

“Yes, you are! You’re always playing games. You give me only glimpses of who you are,” I said, my voice low, but steady, “then you disappear again.” I saw tears oozing down her face, but I had to keep talking. “You keep playing games with me. You distance yourself from everything you’re feeling.” She only stared at the floor; her face blank. “It’s not a fucking game anymore!” I almost shouted. I wanted her to listen to me. I wanted to finally get through to her.

A sob escaped her lips and she wiped the moisture from her eyes with her fingers and then the side of her palms.

“I know it’s not a game,” she whispered.

“And what are you doing about it?” I asked. I was so mad at her. It was like she stopped responding to her feelings. She was just a passenger. She brought her hands to her eyes again, wiping the moisture that was mixed with eye liner and mascara. “Yeah! You’re doing nothing! Fucking nothing!” I threw my arms in the air, breathing heavy.

“Please stop yelling at me,” she pleaded, and then I realize that I was yelling the whole time.

“Fuck,” I whispered, and rubbed my forehead nervously.

She was sobbing and I was still yelling at her. I sat down beside her on the bed and took a deep breath. I turned towards her and put my palms against her cheeks while she kept her eyes down.

“Look at me,” I whispered, my tone gentle this time. She looked up and her eyes met mine. “You’re driving me insane,” I mumbled looking into her eyes.

“Sorry,” she said looking away from my eyes again and new tears formed.

“Please stop crying,” I pleaded but that only caused more tears to ooze from her eyes. I pulled her into my arms as she began sobbing harder, and held her tight. I was such an idiot. I promised not to hurt her.

“I know it’s not a game,” she mumbled, “I know.”

If I remember that week clearly, the next day is so vivid and alive in my memory that it feels like it happened just now. We were lying in bed after she calmed down. When she first spoke, I thought she was going to ask me something, but when I looked at her, only three words came out of her lips.

As soon as she spoke, I felt her stiffening but when she saw me smiling and finally breathing, for my breath was caught in my lungs for a moment, she relaxed.

“I love you, too,” I told her and put my hand against the back of her neck, pulling her into a kiss.

After talking with her for a while, I began understanding why she was hiding; she was afraid that what she had to say wasn’t worth listening to. But she was wrong, and also gave me the wrong impression.

“Sometimes you make me feel like…” I begun while my eyes diverted from her lips, up to her eyes, “like I don’t matter,” I continued. “I know it started as a fling but…fuck,” I breathed, “I’m in this too fucking deep and sometimes you make me feel like I’m alone in this.”

“Fuck,” she mumbled. “You know, they say be careful what you wish for,” she begun, “Once, I wished to be able to get out from a situation before I fall in love or at least to be able to hide it well.” She chuckled darkly. I looked elsewhere after a while. What was she saying? She raised her palms from my chest and rested them against my cheeks; searching for my eyes.

“You matter," she whispered. "So much that it hurts. So much that my stomach is twisting,” her palms fell from my face, “It hurts so much when I remember that you’re going to leave.” She lowered her tone more but I heard her voice cracking, “I’m feeling happy after so long and I am scared to death, you know.”

I pulled her face upwards and placed my lips softly onto hers. “Don’t be scared,” I whispered.

“I can’t. I can’t help it. Because I’m going to stay here all alone,” she whispered as a single tear ran down her cheek. “I’m in love again and I’ll be alone and I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with you because I love the way you smirk when you want to have sex with me and,” a sob escaped her throat, “and the way you laugh when you mock me, or the fact that you know when I need to be pressured in order to say something, and the fact that you put up with me for so long and…”

The sobbing was harder now and she hid her face against my chest. I didn’t speak; I just tightened my grip around her. I could finally understand. She wasn’t pulling away from me because she didn’t feel anything; she was constantly doing it because she was feeling and she was afraid. I could finally make plans.

Besides ordering some clothes from Tom for her, while she was in class, I also searched about Business Administration Classes at the Manchester University. Just out of curiosity. She once told me she wanted to keep going with her studies.

I had actually pictured her in my apartment; walking around in her tiny underwear; trying to divert my attention from my comics by flirting and teasing. I had pictured her trying to organize my comic book collections or cooking in my kitchen, fighting over the superman comic.

She was so happy when she saw the clothes; I didn’t expect that much of enthusiasm. Jenny had told me when I asked her if she would like the new line, that Lisa was the kind of girl that was thrilled even to get a simple napkin note as a gift. And she was right. Lisa looked so excited.

She pulled back from my neck, enough to look at me in the eye, and put her palms against the side of my neck, her thumbs on my cheeks.

“Say it again,” she pleaded.

“I love you,” I said looking at her as she parted her lips.

“It hurts,” she whispered lowering her head a little bit. “It hurts so bad.”

“I know baby, I know,” I replied, leaning my head and resting my forehead against hers. It hurt that we wouldn’t be able to live this.

“I’m not going to see you again, am I?” she asked. Why was she saying that? I thought we were passed this.

“Yes, you will,” I said and at the same time I put my palms against her cheeks and made her look at me. “We’ll see each other again” I frowned lightly, trying to convince her.

“Yeah, sure. You’re going to travel around the globe and on fancy vacations, you’re going to either go home or come and visit me, right?” she asked her temper rising. “No, you’re not! You have to go home and work for the clothing line and see your family. You’re not going to choose between me and your family and friends. No way. I don't want you to,” she breathed. She was the queen of the drama queens that was sure.

“Are you done?” I frowned and leaned back on the sofa cushion, my hands remained on her thighs.

“Yeah. I’m done,” she pouted.

“Good. Because I have thought this through,” I said calmly. She didn’t speak. “How many semesters you have left here?” I asked.

“Two, including this one am taking now,” she replied.

“That’s another year, right?”

“Yes.”

“So, for the next year, we’re going to have to settle for a week or a few days in between band tours. On Christmas you can come and visit,” I explained. It would be so nice having her home for the holidays. “After you get your degree…” I begun as she was biting her lip and frowned.

“There’s more?” she asked. She didn’t like it?

“Well, yeah…” I said, unsure now. Haven’t thought this well enough I guess.

“Continue,” she encouraged.

“You said you were planning on getting a master right?” I asked slowly, waiting to see her reaction.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Manchester University has business administration classes…”

“What are you saying?” she narrowed her eyes. She does that a lot.

“Come and stay with me,” I said, sounding more like a question than a suggestion. She was either going to say yes or no.

“Urgg,” she groaned.

“You don’t have to like it. It was just an idea,” I said looking down. I guess it was a no.

“Shut up, you idiot,” she punched my shoulder, “of course I like it,” she said, and I actually felt my face lighting up.

I put her face between my palms again and leaned close to her. “Say that you love me,” I whispered, my voice hoarse.

“I love you, Oliver,” she said and once again my breath caught in my lungs. I smiled as she leaned closer and cupped my bottom lip with her own. I parted my lips and let my tongue enter her mouth, softly stroking hers.

“I love you,” I whispered against her lips and kissed her again. “I’m glad you like the plan.”
I grinned once we pulled apart. She chuckled.

“It’s your fault we’re in this mess, you know?” She narrowed her eyes at me once again and poked me on the chest.

“Actually it’s your mobile’s fault.” I smirked as I recalled her diving after her mobile and swearing. I chuckled at the thought.

“Thank you,” she said, suddenly serious.

“What for?” I asked confused.

“For making me fall in love with you,” she smiled a small smile.

“Thank you, too, then.”

“For?” It was her turn to sound confused.

“For loving me back,” I said and kissed her again. I knew it was a very hard thing for her.

I also knew it was going to be a hard year. I’ve done the long distance relationship before and it didn’t go well. But I can’t compare Lisa to my ex girlfriend. Lisa was flirting shamelessly only with me. I was sure about that after that ride on the bus, where she blushed when a seventeen year old kid stared at her. That gave me some kind of security.

On the other hand, I would definitely try to be faithful. Not that I ever cheated when I had a girlfriend; but it was going to be a very long time and being drunk while girls are throwing themselves at you... That was something she never mentioned, and it made me curious. It was the number one worry of most girls...

My thoughts were interrupted as her hand slid down my stomach; on the waistband of my boxers. I put my hands on her hips and squished them. And that’s why I love her. She might be all sentimental and full of drama one moment, but the next she’s all over me.

It was going to be a hard year, but it’s worth it. I know it. Even if she seems unsure, I’m sure enough for the both of us.