Smashed Into Pieces

my heart has pounded fast ever since I came home. I know when it's dark and everyone is asleep I have a big decision to make, and I know my answer but it'll hit me hard. I felt sick so I skipped dinner but ended up puking anyway, my stomach keeps turning, it's strange.

I sigh laying in my bed doing nothing, only sitting with my laptop open writing to some friends I have when I hear the light trip down the hallway to my room. I feel my heart pounding faster and my stomach turn. I gulps getting up closing my laptop as Alex step into my room closing the door after him, he walks over and sit in my bed looking at me. I keep my eyes on the bed.

“so.. have you made a decision?” he ask me. I nods slightly then realise there's no voice coming out, my throat is dry as hell.

“y-yes.” I get out. He shift in the bed slightly then take my hands rubbing them. I look up at him and he kisses me slightly. I gulps feeling the first person jumping trying to get out. But I won't let it.

“..so?” he asks me. I gulps. Okay here it goes, I take a deep breath keeping my eyes on his.

“Alex, I can't.. I can't leave everything I know behind to be with you, even thought I really, real.y want to. I love you a lot, but what you ask me off is impossible. This is where I have home this is where I know everything and mostly everyone. I can't leave this behind. I'm sorry.” as I speak I see his eyes fill up with different emotions. Sadness, love, understanding and hate. The last one he kept in his eyes. They're so filled with hate that I'm about to get scared.

“so you're actually saying you have kept me on a lie?” he ask with anger in his voice, I look surprised at him, then shakes my head no, but I don't think he see it.

“that you were just keeping me for the fun?!” he let's go off my hands, my eye fill up with tears as I shake my head again.

“n-no Alex, I-I didn't..” I whisper. He flip me off scowling.

“save your word kiddo, save them for someone who would actually listen to them.” then he gets up and walks out closing the door after him. My eyes fills up with more tears and I can't hold them back no more. I throw myself back in the bed and starts sobbing silently so no one can hear me. How is this possible, how can he say those things to me? He know they aren't true, why did he let the anger take the best of him and leave me this hurt, this smashed into pieces.

I don' understand anything, and my body is numb from my heart breaking. It's like my whole world just fell apart, even thought I chose to stay here, I didn't chose not to love him any more.