Unconditional

"So tell me why you're here." she says crossing her legs.
"I fell in love," I say simply.
Dr. Sherman gives me a look, one that means she doesn't quite follow what I'm saying.
"Right...." She holds out the word as if it were a note. Then, she raises an eyebrow at me. "So tell me about him."
Tell you about him? Tell you about him? He's wonderful. The best thing that's ever happened to me in my sixteen years of living. I love him. But does he love me anymore? No. He doesn't. So why would I want to talk about it?
"His name is Ethan." I say. My voice surprises me. It sounds....weak. Hurt.
"Ethan." she repeats. "Okay, do you want to tell me how you met Ethan?"
The way she says his name is odd. Ethan. She tosses it around like it's nothing. Like it's just like any other word. Maybe to her it is. Maybe to her his name means nothing more to her than the words Dr. Sherman mean to me.
"Central Park." I say.
She nods.
"So....Central Park...." She waits for me to further my story but when I don't, she becomes more determined. "Is there more to this story other than just 'Central Park'?"
"Yes." I say.
Dr. Sherman raises her eyebrows and waits. She's done playing.
I sigh and decide to tell her everything. She wants to know all about Ethan and Central Park? Fine.
"On October 6 I went to Central Park."
"Alone?" she interrupts.
"Alone." I repeat. "I had just gotten in a fight with my best friend and I needed some time to get away."
"Why were you fighting with your friend?" she asks.
"That's not why I'm here," I say. One of the last things I want to do is talk about Emma.
"I know, but we can talk about it if you want." Dr. Sherman says.
"No," I say calmly. "Let's just stick to Ethan and Central Park, shall we?"
"Fine with me," she says with a smile, although I know she is getting irritated with me. She writes something down and looks up at me again. When I am sure I have her complete attention, I go on.
"It was a nice day and a walk decided good. What better place to go in New York City for a calm, relaxing evening then Central Park?"
I wait for her to interrupt me but she doesn't.
"I walked around for a while before taking a break on a nearby bench. For the longest time I just stared and stared at the boathouse across the lake, watching the big beautiful wedding that was taking place there. I was entranced, wishing that I had somebody like that. Somebody who would love me forever. Somebody who would be there for me whenever I needed them. And that's when he sat down next to me."
I remembered the scene so well, wishing it would replay in my mind forever. I had been a long time since I thought about the first time I met Ethan but as soon as I did, every emotion I felt then came back.
"'Beautiful, isn't it?' he said. It took a moment for me to realize that there was somebody sitting next to me. 'Yeah,' I agreed and then looked up at him. He was perfect. He had short blonde hair and bright blue eyes. His teeth were as bright as the moon and his smile was intoxicating. He was wearing a tux, ice cream in one hand, the other on his knee."
Dr. Sherman could tell that I was barely with her anymore. No, now I was inside the past, almost literally reliving this moment. And soon, she wasn't there anymore. It was as if I had been transported into the past.
"A-are you in the wedding?" I stammered.
He nodded.
"Yeah. It's my sister's. I just had to take a break." he said holding up a vanilla cone.
"I see." was all I could say. It was as if he had taken every word I had ever learned and threw them out of my mind. I couldn't speak.
"I'm Ethan." he said, holding a hand out to me.
"Riley." I said, shaking his hand. Mine had to have been two times smaller than his.
"So, Riley," His voice was creamy and soft when he spoke my name. "What brings you to Central Park? Do you just go around New York looking for weddings to watch?"
I laughed.
"Oh, yes. It's a hobby of mine."
Now, it was his turn to laugh, the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.
"Well then, maybe you should join ours." he said biting done on what was now left of his ice cream cone.
My heart stopped beating for a moment before going into overdrive. Did he just ask me out?
"Oh, uh, I couldn't." I said. "I wouldn't want to intrude."
"I insist." he said standing up. He held out his right hand to me.
"No, really," I said. Yeah, he was gorgeous, but I couldn't just go meet his whole family without even really knowing him. What if his girlfriend was over there?
"Come on. It's just the reception, I promise. You owe me a dance."
I smiled bigger than I ever had. Was this really happening?
"I do, do I?" I asked playfully. He nodded. "And why is that?"
"Because of every bench in Central Park, I choose yours to sit and enjoy my ice cream at."
I rolled my eyes, still smiling.
"Oh, so, I should be thankful that you graced me with your presence, is that it?"
He nodded, smiling a cheesy smile.
"I'm kind of a big deal." he joked. Again, I rolled my eyes and took his hand. It was still cold from the vanilla cone he'd just finished.
"Are you sure you're girlfriend won't be mad?" I asked seriously.
"Well, I'm sure she'll be fine with it." I looked up at him with wide eyes. "She's nonexistent." he said laughing. I punched his arm feeling exactly how big his muscles were. My hand hurt.
"Ouch," I whined.
He laughed.
"Don't hurt yourself, there." he said. I rolled my eyes and shot him a dirty look.
"So, do you think it'll last?" I asked after a couple minutes. We'd almost reached the boat house.
"Do I think what will last?" he asked me.
"Your sister and her husband."
Ethan nodded, face serious now.
"Forever." he answered.
"How do you know?"
"Because she loves him." he said. "Unconditionally."
For hours, we danced and talked. What a sight we were, beautiful model-like boy dancing with an average looking girl who was in no way dressed for a wedding. Afterward, we walked around the park, making plans to do the same the next day. And the next day, and the next day, and the next. Soon, we were inseparable.
"And you loved him?" Dr. Sherman asked, taking me out of my reverie.
"Yes," I said honestly. "Unconditionally."
"And he loved you?"
"Yes." I said. "Yes he did."
I waited a moment and took a deep breath before entering my past again.
For almost a year, my life was perfect. Yes, there were some flaws but no sadness in the world could break through my love and happiness for Ethan. We spent every waking day together. Sometimes nights, falling asleep by the bench on which we met. It was our spot. But one day, something changed.
"Riley, we need to talk." were the first words uttered to me from him on Monday, May 25. Even though, I felt like nothing could break through our walls, even though he'd promised me he'd be there for me forever, I knew that something was wrong.
In that moment in time, the last eight months with Ethan ran through my mind as they did countless times. I remembered our first kiss at the boathouse, our first actual date, and, most of all, the first time he'd told me he loved me.
"You do?" I asked, exasperated.
"Yes," he said, nodding. "Unconditionally."
So what was wrong? Just days before everything was still perfect.
"I think we should stop seeing each other." he said. His words, once creamy and soft, were now cold and distant.
"What? Why?"
"I just feel like we've changed." he said.
"Changed? No we haven't. Just last week everything was fine...." Tears flooded my eyes.
"Riley, please." he said, putting a hand up. "Don't make this harder than it has to be."
My body went numb. I couldn't feel anything except for the tears running down my cheeks.
"And then what happened?" Dr. Sherman asks, bringing me back to the present once more.
"He left." I squeak trying my best wipe away all my tears at once. "I haven't talked to him since."
"What do you think happened?" she asks.
I sniff.
"I don't know. I begged him not to leave, to try and work this out. But he just said that he couldn't. He won't talk to me anymore."
I could literally feel my heart breaking again.
"Riley, none of this was your fault. Maybe you don't know why Ethan broke up with you, but at this point, does it really matter?"
She pauses before going on.
"You're strong, Riley. You can get over this if you really want to."
"But I don't want to let him go," I say wiping away more tears.
"You don't have to, Riley. And, to some extent, I know you never will. But you can overcome this. How long has it been since you've spoken to him?"
"248 days." I say matter-of-factly.
"Well," she says in a gentle voice as if she's speaking to baby. "You've proven that you can live without him, haven't you?"

* * * *
Here I am again at our spot. The place I haven't visited since May 25. I went to therapy today, in hopes that I could stop thinking about you as much, but you know what? I can't. I think about you every day. There are little things that happen, every day occurrences in the lives of many, that remind me of you. I still don't know why you won't speak to me. Did I do something wrong?
Today, I woke up with numbing feeling I wake up everyday with. The feeling, or rather, the knowing, that you won't be there. It's a cold feeling that I've felt for 248 days. Did you mean to make me feel like that?
But today, I also learned something; I'm not your puppet. You don't have the ability to control my emotions. I've stood alone for some time now, wishing you were still mine, but knowing that you never will be again. Did you know that I still love you?
But as I sit here on this bench, I have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach because I know that today will be the day that I overcome this obstacle in my life. Today will be the day that I stop crying myself to sleep and tomorrow will be the first day in a long time when I wake up and not have a sinking feeling in my stomach.
"I love you," a familiar voice coos as I look up to see you holding the hand of some skinny little blonde. You don't even know that I'm here.
"Really?" she says as if such a thing is hard to believe.
You nod.
"Unconditionally."
And then something strange happens.
I laugh.
Hysterically.
If only she knew....