I Missed Your Skin When You Were East

My life is a lie.

I lie to everyone.

To myself, that I love Jon with my whole heart and that I am completely 100% over Brendon.

To Jon, that I love him with my whole heart.

To Aiden, that Jon is better than Brendon and should have been his father.

To Brendon, that I don’t love him anymore.

I’ve realized this even more when Jon left.

It scares me, now that he’s gone. I’m having panic attacks every night when I go to bed, thinking about how attached I’ve become to him and how I’m so afraid to fall again.

It just doesn’t feel right. I haven’t felt this out of place and alone since I tried a semester of college while I was pregnant with Aiden.

At least I don’t have morning sickness now.

Ryan and Jon have only been gone for a week.

It makes me feel only more horrible that it’s only been a week and I feel like this.

But I’m scared of other things.

Like that look that Greta gives me when I drop Aiden off at their house to visit also scares a lot. She gives the look that gives you chills and makes you wish you were blind so you didn’t have to see it. I get why she hates, if I was her, I would hate me too. But I know she could probably kill me if she wanted to.

Alli’s health also scares me. I think she’s pregnant. I think she thinks she’s pregnant too. I think she’s scared shitless about this, seeing as Ryan’s gone, then when he get back they’re getting married, and then he’s leaving again.

But I scare me most of all.

I scare myself because I’m so undeceive and uncontrollable and I can’t seem to keep my heart in my own chest.

Today I was going to have to face one of my fears and go over to Brendon’s and Greta’s to get Aiden.

It has been a week since I seen my child and I feel like the worst parent. I didn’t want Aiden to see me as a mess like this. It was also Father’s Day and Brendon deserves to have his son with his on that day after all these years.

But now that I’m sitting in Brendon and Greta’s drive-way waiting to build up the nerve to knock on the door, I suddenly think that maybe Aiden should spend more time here.

I was repeatedly banging my head on the steering wheel when there was a knock on the window and I jumped nearly 10 feet in the air and screamed.

I heard a muffled laugh outside the window and I saw Brendon trying to keep himself composed.

I threw the car door open, Brendon jumping back to avoid it, got out of the car and slammed the door. I leaned against the car and stared at him.

“So what was that all about?”

“I was trying to numb my brain before I had to enter your house.”

He laughed and started walking towards his house. I followed him out of lack of other options.

As he entered the door he turned to me and said “Why would you need to numb yourself? I’m not that messy anymore.”

“It’s not you or your messiness.” I said taking off my shoes and realizing, his house truly wasn’t messy at all, Greta really had him whipped. “It’s your wife.”

He turned me, looking dead serious. “I don’t have a wife anymore.”

I was confused. “But Greta and you, I thought you loved her and all that bullshit.” I barely mumbled out.

“It was all bullshit. He said with venom in his voice.

“I’m sorry Brendon. I knew she meant a lot to you. It must have been tough.”

“No!” He screamed. I jumped and he took a few steps forward to grab onto my arms and look me in the eyes.

“I wasn’t happy with that bitch. He ruined me and broke me. She changed me and made me hurt you. And I hate that. I hate that I’ll never get us back to what we used to be. And that I missed out on time with Aiden. I hate that I made you run to another man.”

There was a moment of silence. But it felt like years. I had no idea what to say. He had just spoken the words to me I wish me had for over a year. Too bad they were just over a week too late.

“But if you hated it so much, why didn’t you leave her earlier? I mean, you could have come to New York and lived with Aiden and me and we could lived there and been happy.”

He smiled and he looked like I had just told him a won the lottery or something.

“If you had only told me that, I would have jumped on the first plane to New York.” He stared down at his feet now. “I didn’t leave her because she…” He then whispered something that I couldn’t quite hear.

“What was that Bren?”

“She hit me for gods sake Lily! She fucking beat at every chance she got to make do want she wanted. She got me drunk all the time just to have sex with her. That in the hospital I had a broken arm when I came to visit you, I got that when I tried to see you in the first place. After I saw at the airport the day you left, she nearly broke every broke in my body and didn’t let me even see Spencer for nearly a month. I was terrified and she kept me that way for a long time.” by the end of his heartbreaking confession, he was in tears.

I once again had no idea what to say, so I just grabbed his shoulders and wrapped my arms around him and just hugged him. He just sobbed harder. I continued and rubbed his back. I’m not quite sure how long we stood there, but I remember how we were interrupted.

Aiden came into the hallway, which at this I was reminded that I hadn’t even entered more than 10 feet into Brendon’s house without having him on me. He looked at me with those adorable eyes which resembled his father’s way too.

“Mommy, are you staying for dinner?”

And at that point, what else was I supposed to but spend the night with my son and his father?