Love Was Easy When We Didn't Make It So Hard

I sat on the dock, my skates resting on the frozen water of the lake I loved to swim in during the summer months. I was breathing hard, sucking in oxygen like I had been suffocating instead of playing a game of pick-up hockey with my brothers. I was better than them; I aimed my shots instead of going for power, I stick-handled and dangled around them like they were cones, but they had the size and power of their legs, overpowering my tiny ones. Jake was sitting next to me, pulling the puck to the heel of his stick in a toe drag, making me shake my head.
 
“You think you’re good because you can do that?” I teased at him, lifting his stick and pulling the puck onto mine.
 
“Hey, hockey star, I’m a pro on land.” He insisted, reminding me of his glory days on the grid iron. I snorted at him, shoving his head with my glove covered hand.
 
“Where’s your pro contract? What team do you play for? Oh yeah…”
 
“I play for the Bears.” Jake bit back at me, making my teasing cease immediately. I pursed my lips at him, eyes glaring.
 
“Don’t fucking talk about them.” I snapped at him, my voice hissing from my clenched teeth.
 
Eric was most definitely a sore subject for me. It had been a week and a half since I broke off our engagement, packing my bags and saying hasta la vista to Eric and our past. I was done, so done, with all of his crap that I couldn’t sit there and pretend it was okay. I was growing a backbone again. I wasn’t afraid to lose him anymore, and maybe that was a sign that I wasn’t in love with him anymore either. Whatever it was, leaving turned out to not be less difficult than I thought it would be.

Instead, it was easy to pack my bags, buy a plane ticket, and leave Eric the beautiful engagement ring he had given me. I didn’t cry, not when I left, not on the plane, and not on the car ride with Jake back to my parents. No, I cried a couple days later when Kara and Katie showed up, both of them asking what the hell I was doing to my life. But they didn’t know, they didn’t understand what it was like to live and deal with Eric everyday. They didn’t see the changes to the extent that I did. They weren’t watching the person they love slip through their fingers.
 
“Kids!” My mom called from the house, down the steps and a slight hill, to where the dock was. “Time to eat!” I smiled, beginning to unlace my skates as Jake did.
 
“This makes me happy to be home.” I laughed softly, knocking Jake’s shoulder as we climbed the stairs slowly, worn out from our game. Austin and David had gone inside a half hour earlier, cold and dead tired while Jake and I had some aggression to deal with.
 
“Nothing like mama’s cooking.” Jake agreed, pushing the sliding glass door open and letting me walk into the warmth. My body rejoiced to the heat, letting it thaw out my limbs and muscles as I sat down at the table to get ready for dinner. Dinner was only with those in my immediate family, the significant others at home tending to the kids while we all got together for a nice dinner. Times like these were rare and I was slightly relieved to have my family to myself for the night.
 
I looked into the living room where my dad was still sitting; butt on the edge of his chair as he watched one of the NFL playoff games. I looked away as Jake walked past his chair in the dining room, walking to stand next to my dad and other two brothers. My mom entered the dining room, glancing up at the boys of the family before at me as I chomped on my lip.
 
“Come on, Eric.” David muttered, bouncing on his toes a bit as he watched the play unfold. I winced as all my brother’s groaned in disappointment. “Decker, are you shitting me?” David bellowed, “that guy handed you the first down and you dropped the ball?”
 
“He’s become butterfingers lately.” Austin shook his head, moving past Jake and looking at me. “Bears are up late in the fourth. Third down and one yard to go, we have the ball. Decker fumbled.” He rolled his eyes before moving back to where he could see the TV.
 
“Decker, I will seriously consider not cutting your dick off if you get this down.” Jake shouted, clapping his hands and then rubbing them together anxiously.
 
“Are they doing this just to spite me?” I asked my mom, who had been relatively quiet about Eric and I since I returned home over a week ago. She just shrugged, turning back to walk into the kitchen. I sighed, watching her leave before looking down at my hands. It was weird to not see the glistening of the diamond, the beautiful stone not catching the light and sending it all over the walls. I felt the familiar prick in the back of my eyes, but I shook my head, sucking in a deep breath and telling myself to suck it up. I would not cry over him. I had cried for too many days, and I was done.
 
A loud yelling pulled me from within myself and I stood up, moving to the doorway of the living room to watch my dad and brothers jump up and down. I set my eyes on the screen, noticing Jay Cutler and Eric embrace. A burning rage ran through me, not understanding how he could still be playing football when I was gone. I guess that just proved my point; he didn’t care anymore. A lump formed in my throat as I thought about how he hadn’t called me, texted me, or come to see me since I left Chicago. It was like I never even existed in his life. But then again, he was proving my point that football was more important than me.

I chomped down on my lip, scrubbing at my face as the water pooled in my eyes. The camera turned to Eric who was off the field now, walking along the sideline. I watched his face, seeing his brown eyes scan the crowd above the bench briefly and then the box where I would be sitting if I was at Solider Field. He squinted his eyes, a large, white cloud coming from his lips as he exhaled deeply.
 
The announcers bragged about him, praising him and his terrific catch as I scowled at him, feeling the rage, anger, and most of all, hurt, tugging at and bruising my heart. I shook my head, scoffing and walking past the Kennedy boys, wondering how they could cheer for him when they knew it was over.

Where was Jake? Where was my overprotective brother who would always protect me from pain? Where was David? The asshole who promised to kick Eric’s ass if he had to? And where is Austin? The one who I could talk to if I ever had a problem, even if I couldn't talk to Jake? Where were my parents, where was my family, the people who were supposed to be on my side no matter what?

My brothers and dad came to the table a few minutes later, settling down as the game broke to a commercial. I was quiet through the whole dinner, ignoring all the people surrounding me and tuning out as they all in turn ignored me. Goldy came up to my chair, twirling around and settling down against the wood floor next to my chair. I looked down at him, smiling softly and knowing that no matter what, I would always have him and Gabby. As of right now, Gabby was staying with Kara and Blake because Goldy and her did not like each other. Gabby liked to snap at his tail, and Goldy liked to try and hump her which just got her too violent.

"Riley." My mom called to me, breaking me from my inner circle.

"What?"

"We were talking about going to Lutsen next weekend, would you be interested in going?" My mom wondered, the rest of my family looking at me expectantly.

"Oh, no." I shook my head, dismissing the ski resort from my agenda immediately. Eric and I had gone up there our senior year for Christmas break. Too many memories, too much pain for me to handle.

"Why not? Are you going back to Chicago then?" My dad raised an eyebrow. I bit my lip, feeling like they were all ganging up on me.

"No." I whispered, looking down at my empty plate. I swallowed loudly, not missing the collective sigh that seemed to sound around the table.

"Then why won't you come? Honey, it would be a lot of fun."

"Mom, you know why I'm not going. I can't go there, not when Er-him and I aren't together anymore. That's too much for me."

"Well, you're going to have to learn how to live your life without him." My mom pointed out so bluntly. Her words stung my heart, piercing through the wall of steel I had put around it, making my chest ache. With the pain always came the tears, so I kept my head down and away from the other 5 pairs of eyes locked on me. I didn't say anything; what was I supposed to? Yup, I'm so excited to live my life without the one man who ever made me happy.

"Or you could just go back and slap Decker, and then move on with the rest of your lives." David stressed the plural meaning of life. I flicked my eyes up for the first time in ten minutes, silencing everyone with the tears that streamed down my face. Jake dropped his fork and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, trying to comfort me and pull me into his body.

"No. Stop, let me go." I snapped at Jake, standing up abruptly and nearly tripping over Goldy who yelped when I stepped on his tail. "All of you, just, stop. I'm not going back to Chicago. I'm not going to swallow my pride. I didn't mess up, he did. He was the one who let his priorities fall out of place. He let me leave, he hasn't even bothered to call or come to see me. This is all on his shoulders, I did everything I could to save us from this, and he did everything he could to make sure it ended like this. I loved him with absolutely everything I had and all I did was ask the same from him, which he just couldn't do because of his love for football and his prick of an agent. He did this to us, and if anyone is fixing it, it's him. Now can you try to be on my side? Can you put aside your love for Eric and realize that he hurt me? That he fucking ripped me apart?"

"Riley, language." My mom told me sternly, pointing a warning finger at me. I let out a loud, cynical laugh, shaking my head in utter disbelief.

"I'm sitting here telling you about how bad he hurt me and your biggest concern is that I just said fuck? Seriously mom? How about this one? Fuck Eric. Fuck Tom. Fuck football. Fuck this." I screamed, large, angry and betrayed tears swam in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. I had never felt so alone before. I sucked in a deep breath, turning and flying from the room and up the stairs. My bags were packed in mere minutes, a loud pounding on the door sounding the whole time. I opened the door with a loud swing, glaring at Jake who stood outside, hands poised to pound on the white wood again.

"Go to hell." I snarled at him, moving past him even as he tried to grab me. I turned and shoved at his chest, knocking him slightly off balance. Jake looked stunned, too stunned to follow me as I walked out of my childhood home and out into the night, not sure where to go next.
***

"I feel fat." Kara muttered as she shifted around on the couch, jostling me and hitting my legs as we watched the first Sex in the City movie. I rolled my eyes at her, wondering what she was going to do when she actually did start showing.

"You're not fat, you're pregnant. And If I didn't already know, I wouldn't be able to guess." I assured her. It was true, she barely had a little pouch which she had shown me proudly a week before when I showed up on her doorstep with no where else to go. She didn't even ask or try to get me to talk, she just showed me the guest room, which would soon be the baby's room, and let me sleep/cry it out.

"Yeah, but I just feel fat. Like, my pants are tighter than normal and my shirts don't fit because of my huge boobs." She insisted, wrinkling her nose.

"What do you expect?" I asked, giggling at her annoyed expression.

"It wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't getting married in two weeks." She groaned, thinking of the four separate appointments she had in the upcoming weeks just to make sure her dress was going to fit her perfectly and make adjustments as her stomach got bigger.

"Well, maybe that's why the baby comes after the wedding." I giggled at her as she threw a throw pillow at me. I bit my lip as Blake came home from hanging out with Adam and a few other boys, mostly some of his old teammates.

"Hi babies of mine." He murmured softly, kissing Kara's lips and then kissing her stomach, keeping his hand there for a moment. I looked away, back towards the TV to not feel the pain in my chest. It probably was not the best idea for me to stay with two people who were about to get married, but I had nowhere else to go.

"How was your night?" Kara murmured, placing a kiss on his cheek as he settled her into his lap.

"Alright. Lots of bullshitting and trying to talk me out of marrying you." Blake winked, nuzzling his nose into her neck.

"By Adam I'm sure." I rolled my eyes, stretching out and placing my feet into Kara's lap. She wrinkled her nose at me, giving me a stink eye.

"No, actually, he was talking about buying a certain type of ring." Blake informed us, Kara and I glancing at each other, mouths dropped open.

"Bad idea." I stated, shaking my head.

"Oh god, you are such a pessimist right now. Just shush." Kara instructed. "You better start being more kine on love before I get married. I don't want you objecting in the middle of the ceremony." She teased me as I sighed, laying back against the arm of the couch.

"It's not love. It's on relationships that aren't ready to go to that stage yet." I insisted, shrugged my shoulders as she scoffed.

"You're seriously telling me that you and Eric weren't ready to be engaged?" She questioned, cocking an amused eyebrow.

"I don't know. I think he did it because he thought it would make everything better." I opened my eyes to look at her before my eyes shifted to Blake.

"Riley, he did it because he loves you with everything he has, and he wants you to be his for the rest of his life." Blake insisted, shaking his head.

"Really? Hard to tell." I snorted, shaking my head and turning my attention to the TV once again. I didn't watch the rest of the movie, instead, I thought about Eric and what he was doing in Chicago. Part of me wondered if he was miserable without Gabby and I, the other part of me was terrified that he was fine. What if he wasn't missing me? What if he was living his life and finding out he liked life without me better? A lump formed in my throat and I had to blink away the rapidly forming tears so the wouldn't fall from my eyes.

Kara and Blake continued to talk about the baby and their wedding, being ridiculously cute so I tuned them out, closing my eyes and trying to find a place that I could hide away within myself. Blake and Kara must have thought I was sleeping because as soon as they were sure I wasn't listening, their thoughts turned to me and Eric.

"Did you call Eric?" Kara asked Blake, causing my curiosity to perk.

"Yeah." Blake sighed loudly, shifting around beneath Kara and my feet.

"What happened?" Kara wondered.

"He asked me if I knew where Riley was, I said no just like you told me to. He said she wasn't at her parents and that her brothers hadn't seen her for almost two weeks. He was freaking out, absolutely flipping shit about where she was. I almost wanted to tell him she was okay, that she was safe. But I didn't because I totally think he deserves to sweat it out. He needs a fucking reality check which is the only reason I kept my mouth shut. Anyway, he started firing all these questions at me like: what do I do? How do I find her? How the hell am I going to fix this?" He stopped as Kara sighed loudly and I could picture her shaking her head.

"So what did you say?"

"I told him I didn't know how to help and that he fucked up big. He asked me for ideas of ways to win her back, and I told him he had to figure it out himself. He got kind of pissy and I told him if he was looking for sympathy he was calling the wrong person. So I talked to Adam tonight and he said Eric called him after me."

"What did Adam say?" Kara asked with skepticism in her voice.

"What do you think?" Blake asked, a sound in his voice that made me groan out loud.

"He told Eric didn't he?" I hissed out, sitting up and running my hands through my hair, tugging at the ends.

"Yeah, but I called Eric and he said he's not going to come here. He knows you don't want to be bothered and I told him if he showed up I wouldn't let him in." Blake assured me, pulling me into his side and comforting me like a brother.

"Thank you, Blake. I know this isn't easy for you to be pitted against Eric."

"Riley, he is so wrong and so fucked up. He needs this. But he's going to come around, and then you can go back to Chicago with him." Blake whispered to me, his eyes so full of hope that I didn't have the nerve to dash his hopes. I looked at Kara who seemed to know what I was saying, her eyes dipping to the ground.

"Yeah." I whispered to Blake, my eyes closing as I prayed for Eric to stay in Chicago, away from me where my heart could continue to recover.
***

I padded downstairs the morning before Blake and Kara’s wedding, smiling at the soon-to-be newlyweds before going for the pot of coffee. Today was the day I had been dreading since Blake told me Eric was flying in on February 13th, today. I poured the black liquid into my cup, tossing in cream and sugar before stirring thoughtfully. Gabby came up and nudged at my leg. I smiled at her, leaning down and whispering into her fur.
 
“Daddy’s coming today.” I told her, closing my eyes as her fur tickled my face. “I don’t know if you’ll be able to see him though.” I pulled away and let her lick my face once before standing back up. “Is he in Minnesota yet?” I asked Kara who was sitting at the counter, reading the paper and nibbling on a piece of peanut butter toast.
 
“Yeah, Adam’s picking him up right now. Katie should be here soon.”
 
“Is Katie with Adam and Eric?” I narrowed my eyes at her and she looked up at me.
 
“Yeah, but what am I supposed to do about it? Adam insisted that he drive Katie here.”
 
“He would.” I mumbled, irritation tugging at my brain as I sipped my coffee carefully. I fell silent after that, staring at my French pedicure that I had just gotten for the wedding.
 
Last week, the Bears were knocked out of the playoffs by the Green Bay Packers, and since then, my mind hadn't stopped thinking about Eric. I had watched the game with Kara and Blake, the final seconds ticking down and giving me a weird sense of déjà vu. It was just like the year before when I watched his college career end, both of us once again on bad terms with each other. My green eyes had watched the screen as Eric trotted off the field with a look of pain gracing his beautiful features. He finally looked like his whole world was falling apart around him.
 
I had tried to stay emotionally distant, but like always, his pain was my pain, and I ended up crying for a majority of the night until I fell asleep in a pool of my own tears. That night was the first time Eric had called me at all since I left Chicago. I didn’t pick up because I couldn't handle him, and he didn't bother to leave a message, therefore, I didn’t call him back, not that I would have if there was a voice mail from him.
 
“So what do we have left to do?” I asked her, taking her white, wedding book from the table and flipping it open.
 
“We just have to call the flower company, the catering company, the dress and tux shop, and the church to make sure everything is set in place. If something is going to hell, I want to know about it today.” She insisted, standing up and tugging her shirt down her pouch. She was actually starting to look slightly pregnant and she was well aware of that fact. I think she was excited to be showing, but nervous because she had her last dress fitting. She seemed worried that she would end up gaining weight overnight and it wouldn’t fit properly.
 
“I’m sure everything will be fine.” I assured her, rolling my eyes as she shook her head.
 
“I will kill anyone who messes up my day.” She insisted, taking a drink from her glass of water. “That includes you and Decker.” She pointed her finger at me, a glare piercing my body.
 
“You don’t have to worry about me. It’s him who will be the problem.”
 
Katie walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, huffing as she threw her purse down on the kitchen counter and locking eyes with me. She held up a diamond ring I knew all too well, walking over and grabbing my right hand. She placed it in my palm, closing my fingers around it. “From Decker with love.” She smirked slightly as Kara chuckled. I shook my head, slamming the ring down on the table and shoving it away from me.
 
“What the hell is his problem? Doesn’t he get that I don’t want it, or his love.” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest and glaring at the simple piece of jewelry that was supposed to mean so much to me, but now held little emotion but anger.
 
“He got in the car, and he would not shut his mouth about you. I wanted to turn around and start screaming at him, but Adam was all, tell me how you feel, like he was Decker’s shrink or something.” She shook her head, sighing quietly before looking up at me with a soft expression. “Honey, he doesn't look okay.” She winced at my glare, the ice around my heart not able to be melted as of now.
 
“I don’t care.” I told her truthfully, shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head. “Don’t be like the rest of my family.” I warned my two best friends. “You guys don’t get it, I can’t just let this go. I’m too hurt, and too frustrated with him to even look his direction, let alone talk to or forgive him.” I stood up from my seat at the table, walking towards the stairs, but turning around and looking at Katie. “Did he ask about me?” I asked because I just had to know.
 
“Of course he did, and his eyes still shined like they always do when he’s talking about you. He misses you, babe, even if you’re just fine without him.” Katie told me softly, her blue eyes sympathetic as Kara just looked down at the ground. “He loves you, Riley.”
 
“Then he should start acting like it.” I snapped to her, turning up the anger because I didn’t want to cry. Katie pointed to the ring Eric had given me months ago to symbolize his love and I shook my head with a cynical laugh. “When I tapped that ring to the note, it lost all of its significance. That means nothing to me anymore.” I told her before turning on my heel and stalking away from the ring that was burning my eyes just by looking at it.