The Return of the Dark Witch

P.O.V – Maria Le Fay

I feel sick, my whole body's shaking, and…oh Merlin, I want to throw up. I want to wipe what I just did off the map. I want to never have done it. How could I do it? How could I? I thought furiously to myself as I walked nonsensically down the hallway towards my bedroom.

What could I have possibly been thinking that would have made me…

'Maybe we should both just stop trying.'

My eyes closed, isn't that what a bad person does? Cheats on the guy she loves and is trying to save with the guy she barely knows and who is supposed to be helping her save the aforementioned guy who is also her husband? Hadn't I already realized that I'v never been good and that it makes no sense for me to start now?

But then Sirius…

I felt my heart clench painfully in my chest and the urge to throw up became almost unbearable.

Was I that far removed from myself? The girl that he'd helped me discover? Of course I was, I barely remember her. I barely remember anything, thanks to Voldemort. I just pretend I do. I pretend to know what it feels like to be Maria Le Fay, the Dark Witch, when I haven't got a clue. I'm still the same girl they pulled out of the insane asylum, just with more baggage. Who knows, maybe I'm still there.

I sighed to myself when I arrived at the door to my room. The words, Becky Sinclair, looking back at me, was that who I was? I had decided not too long ago, that I was Maria Le Fay, but I'm not. Not really, I'm just some sort of weird Becky/Maria hybrid that doesn't fit in anywhere, or with anyone.

I shut my eyes, still losing the battle against the stream of tears that fell from them.

Sirius…I thought to myself painfully, my full being filled with regret. I never should have kissed Draco Malfoy and I never should have allowed myself to think of him as anything more than a means to an end. That was my mistake, it will not happen again. I resolved, as I opened the door to my room, unsurprised to see Sirius sitting on my bed, his expression hid from me in the darkness. And, just like that, I knew. I knew that he knew. We're bonded, even despite his death, in fact, that had only made the bond stronger. It would have been no problem for him sense it, to feel it, to feel what I had felt.

"I'm sorry." I said simply, swallowing hard, "I'm sorry that's the only thing I can say to you. That I have nothing else to give."

I felt the air around me shift as I heard the door shut behind me.

"Sirius…" I began, my voice beginning to betray my emotions, just as I was cut off by Sirius' lips on my own.

It was a hard kiss, possessive, as if he was trying to devour me whole and keep me for his own. It was different from any of the other kisses we had shared. It was a claim, and it felt…not fair. All of it, what I had done, how I had hurt him…

I tried to pull away. I needed to talk. I had to explain…but he wouldn't let me. I felt my back hit hard against the wall, causing me to hiss slightly from the early damage from Snape's curse, but Sirius ignored it. His lips moving to the column of my throat.

"Sirius…" I gasped, "I need to…"

"Don't talk." He replied roughly, before cutting me off with another possessive kiss.

But we needed to; I had to get this out. I couldn't just…we couldn't just sweep what I'd done under the rug.

I felt Sirius' hands rip my robe off my shoulders, its remnants dropping onto the ground.

"Sirius…" I tried again, as his lips moved to my throat, nibbling on the soft skin he found there, his hands wandering to my chest, "Stop, we have to talk." I said, but it came out as more of a moan, though the words were clear.

I felt his hold on me tighten for a second, before he, reluctantly, let go and backed away from me.

I took in a deep breath, trying to desperately regain some composure. My hand automatically going to the two wedding rings that hung low around my neck, while I reached to turn on the light. Allowing me for the first time, to see Sirius, his clothes were in complete disarray and he had a half mad glint in his eyes that only caused me to hurt even more.

"You wanted to talk?" He snarled, causing me to flinch.

"Yes, I did." I replied softly, nodding.

He raised his eyebrows, "I thought you already said the 'only thing you could say'?"

I bit my lip regretfully, "Sirius…" I began.

"I'm not holding you to me you know. You don't have to help me. You don't have to have anything to do with me. You could go off and do whatever you want, but don't do this!" Sirius growled, "Don't say you'll stay with me and then run off behind my back!"

I shut my eyes, silently willing this not to be happening, "I didn't want it to happen, Sirius." I said, opening my eyes, "I didn't."

Sirius' eyebrows shot up, disbelief written all over his face, "You didn't?" He scoffed, "We're linked, Maria, I know exactly what you feel, always. So don't you dare try to lie to me."

I felt anger rise up from deep inside me, "Do you? Then can you feel how confused I am right now? How lost? I don't know who I am! I'm supposed to be the great and powerful Maria Le Fay, but I can't even muster up a half decent spell! That girl, she's foreign to me, Sirius! I don't even have all of her memories, just all of her problems. Which is very confusing, because I still have all of Becky's memories too, and sometimes, I can't even tell which is me. What I'm supposed to be feeling...,nothing! Which is exactly what I am! Nothing! I am nothing! Not Maria, not Becky, there's nobody here! I keep trying to wear this big strong face, but I have nothing to back it up, and how am I ever supposed to save you? Really? I can't even save myself, Sirius. I am losing it here and that's why I kissed Malfoy. That's why it happened. Because I am so confused about myself and who I am, that I looked to the first person who was around that I could identify with and it was him. And I'm sorry. I love you, I do, and I never meant for it to happen. But I'm not her, I'm not either of them, I see that now. I'm not Maria, I'm not Becky, and I don't know who I am. I don't even remember…" I ranted, before finally shrinking to the ground, sobbing.

Several moments past before I heard Sirius kneel down beside me, resting his hand on my back comfortingly, "I'm sorry." He replied hoarsely, "I'm sorry I can't be there for you more and help remind you of who you were and who you are now. But I want you to know, I love all incarnations of you, every last one, and I'll do whatever I can to help you to be restored."

Slowly I looked up at him, I could clearly see the anguish and love on his face, but all I felt was pain. Whether he saw this, or sensed it, he pulled me into his arms all the same and I clung to him tightly, never wanting to let go and I knew he felt the same way.

"You were such the spirited thing when I first met you." Said Sirius after some time had past, stroking my hair as I breathed him in, my head resting against his chest, "And so was I. We clashed horribly. I even hit you once, gave you black eye." He said chuckling, "Of course within a week, I had a matching set of my own. All's fair, as the saying goes."I laughed, causing him to chuckle again before continuing, "You tried to make up with me eventually, something about never caring about someone properly before. I didn't buy it of course, what did that mean? That all your hexes were your way of flirting? I should have known better. But I didn't at that point. Not quite. Not until I started spying on you by using my animagus form…"

"Amicus." I said, sighing into his chest.

I felt his body tense slightly, "Very good. See? You remember some things…now what was my form?"

"Sirius, I don't even remember what an animagus is." I replied, giggling.

"Oh, well, it's a complicated transfiguration spell that allows a wizard, or a witch, to transform into an animal at will, and retain their right mind. James and I taught ourselves how at fifteen." He said proudly.

"The things you learn…" I replied, grinning happily, "So, then I didn't know you were an ani…whatever? And you were spying on me? Boy, I must have been ticked when I found out…"

"Don't worry," Sirius began, chuckling, "You were. You slapped me."

"Did I?" I replied laughing, "Did you slap me back?"

"Of course not, I was too in-love with you at the time."

I smiled as I snuggled tighter against his chest, "Tell me more." I demanded softly.

A demand that he hastened to comply with, his deep voice lulling me to sleep, as he recounted memories of our past time together, memories that I could no longer remember.