Front Porch Story
Front porch
February first, Dookie is being released today.
"We need to party! We'll need beer! We'll need joints! We'll need sex! And if time permits sandwiches!" Tre yells happily.
"It's not even noon yet!" I say as I wrap my arms around Billie happily.
"So?" Lisea asks, still too entranced with Tre.
"Which means bars aren't open yet," Mike says rolling his eyes.
"Okay then, sex and sandwiches for now," Tre says lifting up Lisea and running to his room. Moments later Lisea comes running out of Tre's room.
"That was quick," Billie says in mockery.
"You saw Mario didn't you?" Ana says worriedly.
"Is that what you call it?!" Lisea says alarmed.
"Tre, I thought you threw it out," I call to him as he walks out of the room with the disgusting doll in hand.
"But we have SO many memories," Tre says cradling the doll.
"Tre just throw it out," Mike says shaking his head with laughter, "You have Lisea now."
"But, but."
"Yes Tre it's time you let go," Billie says pretending to be serious.
"Can we at least give him a proper burial?" Tre says pretending to cry.
"Umm, I guess you can bury him in the back of the building," I say.
"Great idea Adie; now who has a shoebox?" Tre asks jumping around.
"I think I have one," Ana says as she goes to her and Mike's room. She comes out of the room and throws a shoebox at Tre.
"You know you could've handed it to me nicely."
"Not with that thing in your hand."
"Does anyone want to pay their last respects?" Tre asks hopefully.
"Uh I do," Billie says stepping up to the box where Mario lay, "You are a disgusting object but you kept Tre out of our hair for hours at a time, so we respect you for that."
"That was very sweet of you," I say laughing.
"We shall proceed outside," Tre says seriously as everyone follows Tre out of the apartment in mockery. Billie picks up Zero before leaving and carries him outside.
We get to the back of the building.
"Wait! We'll need a shovel," Tre says looking around.
"Where are we going to get a shovel?" Mike asks amused by this whole situation.
"Fuck."
"Cremate him!" Lisea says eagerly.
"Okay." Tre says sadly, "Does anyone have a lighter?" Billie puts Zero down and digs through his pockets producing a green lighter. As he hands the lighter to Tre, Zero starts hissing at Mario.
"Even the cat hates him." Ana says laughing.
"Shut up," Tre mutters as he wraps Mario in news paper that was lying on the ground and lights the bundle on fire. "Good bye buddy."
"Oh jeez," I say rolling my eyes.
"Shh, it's a sentimental moment," Billie says into my ear.
The flames get passed the news paper and burns more ferociously.
"Argh fuck! What's that smell?!" Mike yells as he and Ana back away.
"That would be four years worth of masturbatory semen," Billie says intelligibly.
"Jesus Tre! Couldn't you just throw that thing in the garbage?!" Ana hisses.
"No!" Tre says as he stays entranced at the flames. "Good bye old friend."
"You did the right thing." Lisea says touching his shoulder cautiously.
"It's fucking freezing out here. Let's go in," Billie says as he wraps his arms around me for warmth.
"Then gather around the Mario flame," Tre says evilly.
"No, I think I'll go inside," I say as I pull Billie after me.
"Same here," Ana says as Mike follows close behind.
We all go back into the apartment and start watching some mindless TV while we waited for Tre and Lisea to come back in.
"Fire! Fire!" we hear someone screech psychotically outside. We all run to the back window in Mike's room and look out to see the creepy lady with three cats screeching as Tre and Lisea try to calm her down.
"Oh fuck," Billie mutters as he runs out of the room. I follow him as he runs into the kitchen and fills a fairly large bowl with water. "S'cuse me," he scurried out of the building and I go back into Mike's room. We see Billie run around back with the bowl of water and pour it over the flaming Mario.
"That's not right!" Mike yells as the remains of the doll become visible through the smoke.
"He's a monster!" Tre yells as he attempts to pick up the doll but Lisea holds him back.
"Tre, just let it be!" Ana calls out the window.
"Okay," Tre says shrugging as he links arms with Lisea and skips merrily into the building.
"We need to party! We'll need beer! We'll need joints! We'll need sex! And if time permits sandwiches!" Tre yells happily.
"It's not even noon yet!" I say as I wrap my arms around Billie happily.
"So?" Lisea asks, still too entranced with Tre.
"Which means bars aren't open yet," Mike says rolling his eyes.
"Okay then, sex and sandwiches for now," Tre says lifting up Lisea and running to his room. Moments later Lisea comes running out of Tre's room.
"That was quick," Billie says in mockery.
"You saw Mario didn't you?" Ana says worriedly.
"Is that what you call it?!" Lisea says alarmed.
"Tre, I thought you threw it out," I call to him as he walks out of the room with the disgusting doll in hand.
"But we have SO many memories," Tre says cradling the doll.
"Tre just throw it out," Mike says shaking his head with laughter, "You have Lisea now."
"But, but."
"Yes Tre it's time you let go," Billie says pretending to be serious.
"Can we at least give him a proper burial?" Tre says pretending to cry.
"Umm, I guess you can bury him in the back of the building," I say.
"Great idea Adie; now who has a shoebox?" Tre asks jumping around.
"I think I have one," Ana says as she goes to her and Mike's room. She comes out of the room and throws a shoebox at Tre.
"You know you could've handed it to me nicely."
"Not with that thing in your hand."
"Does anyone want to pay their last respects?" Tre asks hopefully.
"Uh I do," Billie says stepping up to the box where Mario lay, "You are a disgusting object but you kept Tre out of our hair for hours at a time, so we respect you for that."
"That was very sweet of you," I say laughing.
"We shall proceed outside," Tre says seriously as everyone follows Tre out of the apartment in mockery. Billie picks up Zero before leaving and carries him outside.
We get to the back of the building.
"Wait! We'll need a shovel," Tre says looking around.
"Where are we going to get a shovel?" Mike asks amused by this whole situation.
"Fuck."
"Cremate him!" Lisea says eagerly.
"Okay." Tre says sadly, "Does anyone have a lighter?" Billie puts Zero down and digs through his pockets producing a green lighter. As he hands the lighter to Tre, Zero starts hissing at Mario.
"Even the cat hates him." Ana says laughing.
"Shut up," Tre mutters as he wraps Mario in news paper that was lying on the ground and lights the bundle on fire. "Good bye buddy."
"Oh jeez," I say rolling my eyes.
"Shh, it's a sentimental moment," Billie says into my ear.
The flames get passed the news paper and burns more ferociously.
"Argh fuck! What's that smell?!" Mike yells as he and Ana back away.
"That would be four years worth of masturbatory semen," Billie says intelligibly.
"Jesus Tre! Couldn't you just throw that thing in the garbage?!" Ana hisses.
"No!" Tre says as he stays entranced at the flames. "Good bye old friend."
"You did the right thing." Lisea says touching his shoulder cautiously.
"It's fucking freezing out here. Let's go in," Billie says as he wraps his arms around me for warmth.
"Then gather around the Mario flame," Tre says evilly.
"No, I think I'll go inside," I say as I pull Billie after me.
"Same here," Ana says as Mike follows close behind.
We all go back into the apartment and start watching some mindless TV while we waited for Tre and Lisea to come back in.
"Fire! Fire!" we hear someone screech psychotically outside. We all run to the back window in Mike's room and look out to see the creepy lady with three cats screeching as Tre and Lisea try to calm her down.
"Oh fuck," Billie mutters as he runs out of the room. I follow him as he runs into the kitchen and fills a fairly large bowl with water. "S'cuse me," he scurried out of the building and I go back into Mike's room. We see Billie run around back with the bowl of water and pour it over the flaming Mario.
"That's not right!" Mike yells as the remains of the doll become visible through the smoke.
"He's a monster!" Tre yells as he attempts to pick up the doll but Lisea holds him back.
"Tre, just let it be!" Ana calls out the window.
"Okay," Tre says shrugging as he links arms with Lisea and skips merrily into the building.