The World Is Ugly.

You know, I’ve always wondered how it was… How it looked like at the end of the road, that small road that seemed to lead nowhere. But I knew it was leading somewhere, it had to. Otherwise that road wouldn’t be here, wouldn’t even exist.

To me, it was leading far from here, to a better place. I imagine it was leading to a place that was similar to Paradise since where I am now can be considered as my own little piece of hell.

It’s somewhere where you don’t want to fall asleep, but once you are asleep, you don’t want to wake up because you know it’s going to be the same day as the day before, and the same as the day before yesterday. Weeks, months were rarely different than the lasts, except for the weather.

I just felt too big for that small town, I had dreams, dreams bigger than this town could ever think about. I was feeling out of place. The way people were looking at me, it was like they knew my place wasn’t amongst them. I knew that too. I was aware of that.

And I just couldn’t wait to get out of here… To see what the world had to offer me.

**

I starred at the open notebook on my lap. Yeah, right… I was still here. In that small town. My dreams were just words written down on a page. I was older now, just slightly, but older still. Those dreams seems to be just some faded memories thrown to the back of my mind as I realized it was time for me to settle down a little. Actually no, I was told to settle down, to stop chasing shallow dreams.

And in a blink of an eye, I found myself fiancé to a man. He was nice, and not bad looking if you catch my drift, but he was just too… or not enough… I don’t know, but there was something about him that was shouting at me :
“You’ll get married, start a family and grow old without leaving this town, ever. This town will be your graveyard.”

How freaky is that? I mean, can you imagine yourself looking into the eyes of your husband-to-be and see your death? Yeah, that’s freaky… That’s what I said.

“Jaelynn?”

I turned my head a little only to see my future sister-in-law looking at me from the doorway of my bedroom.
I know, just the name is shouting: ‘I’m different!’ Don’t you think?

“Yeap?”

“We should probably start planning your wedding don’t you think? Like, the colors and the list of who you want to come and stuff of the kind…” she said.

I looked at her dumbfounded. It was in 6 months! God! Excited much? Just cut me some slag…

“Why now?” I asked, frowning slightly.

“Why not?” she asked, smiling.

“I don’t want to.” I replied simply, my gaze drifting back to the open note book on my lap.
She huffed and turned on her heels, walking away.

“Bye.” I said, and then kept on reading the remaining of my dreams. You know you fail at life when you feel your heart starting beating slightly faster when you think about going down that road.

Sometimes, when I was alone in my room, I could see myself with a single bag thrown over my shoulder, walking down that road and disappearing behind the corner and kept going.
Looking back to the old days, I realized that my life hadn’t changed much, except that I was no longer living in my old house with my parents but in a smaller one, with my fiancé, Kevin.
My life was pretty simple: get up, eat breakfast, shower, get ready for work, work, back from work, diner, bed time. 24 hours a day just wasn’t enough.

In my dreams, I’d be running on no sleep, running all the time to do everything I was supposed to do in a week and try to do it in just one day.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship, about to get married. Life would be different, no house but an apartment, in a big city that never sleeps. I like living in the middle of nowhere, it was relaxing, but at the moment, it felt like as if I was trapped in a cage, looking at everything the world has to offer, but I couldn’t reach out to take it.

I was going to get married. Me, married…

I shuddered at the thought, it was too soon for me.
I let out a sigh and lay down on my bed, looking at the ceiling, bringing my notebook up to my chest, hugging it against my heart.

I fail, my life is a failure.

That would be a nice conclusion to write at the end of the notebook. Like the end of a novel you know? No happy ending. I don’t like happy endings anyway. I like drama.

As weird as it might sound, I don’t want my life to be easy, I want drama. I don’t want to get married, have kids and then live happily ever after with Kevin until I die in my sleep at the great age of 97 years old and then be buried in my hometown, the place I hate most and never left.

Then it hit me like a blow in the face, making me sat up straight on my bed, the notebook falling down at my feet, my eyes wide, thinking about that epiphany I just had.
In one swift movement, I was on my feet, taking my travel backpack out from the bottom of the closet, opening it and throwing it to the floor.

I tried not to think as I grabbed a few pieces of clothing from my closet. A couple of jeans, T-shirts, long sleeved T-shirts, socks, underwears, undergarments and everything…
I shoved everything in the bag, getting up in it and jumping up and down a few times before I grabbed a couple of sweaters, hoodies and stuff to keep me warm.

It went really fast, I ran to the bathroom and prepared my bag of toiletries, then grabbed a couple of dry towels, and shoved everything in the bag. I emptied all the cash I had hidden in my small jewelry box and shoved it in my wallet. I don’t own any jewelry, except some random earrings.

I pulled the brown box from the bottom of my closet and took out the torch and batteries I had put in there. I put them on the bed and closed my bag. I took a smaller bag, and put the torch, batteries, MP3 player, more batteries, notebook, pen, pencil, and wallet in it.

Grabbing both luggages, I walked down the corridor and down the stairs. I dropped the big bag in the corridor and took the smaller one with me to the kitchen.

I raid the fridge, and the cupboards, taking every bag of biscuits, cookies and stuff we had. I also took a couple of water bottles, putting everything in the bag. I zipped it up when an idea crossed my mind. I let the bag on the table and ran upstairs. I grabbed the small digital recording video camera (which could also take pictures), the power cord, my cell phone and its power cord before shuffling in the closet to find the sleeping bag. I hurried back downstairs and put the technologic stuff in the small bag in the kitchen and then dropping it next to the big bag full of clothes. I rolled up the sleeping bag and tied it to the top of the big bag, where it belonged.

I smiled proudly and hide everything in the desk room, which was luckily located not far from the front door. I made sure Kevin wouldn’t be able to see it and then proceeded on making dinner, he would be back soon from fishing with his friends, since it was Sunday.

**

I was wide awake, in the dark room, lying on my bed, with Kevin sleeping next to me. I glanced at the clock and saw the bright red numbers I was expecting: 6.00am. I got out of the bed, soundlessly got dressed. I had taken a shower last night, so I wouldn’t waste any time. I zipped up my hoodie, tied my hair up and walked over to the bed. I grabbed my PJs and then placed a soft kiss on Kevin’s forehead. I placed the note on top of the dresser, neatly folded with ‘Kevin <3’ written in purple ink.

I headed to the door and twisted the knob slowly, it cracked open but Kevin didn’t move an inch. I took one last glance at the room I had shared with him for last couple of years and noticed something sitting on the dresser. I bit my lip and quickly hurried to the dresser, I took the small bundle of fur my father had gave me the day I was born and then disappeared out of the bedroom.

I crept downstairs, into the desk room and grabbed the two bags. I unzipped the bigger one and carefully placed my teddy bear in it. Yeap, I still had a teddy bear, it was as old as I was and I always had it with me, I couldn’t leave it behind.

I sat on the last step of the stairs and tied up my shoes. I, then, grabbed the two bags, putting one my back and holding the other one in one hand. I opened the door walked out and closed it after me, slipping the keys in my pocket.

I walked away from my house, and down the street.

I kept my mind empty of all thoughts that could make me turn back. I glanced at the watch on my wrist and realized that I’d be heading to work now…

I kept walking until I reached the road. The one that was leading away from town.

With my free hand I put my hood up, and with one last glance to the awakening city behind me, I started walking down that road, away from my life and into the wild.