The World Is Ugly.

The days went by quickly. I had almost no more time for myself and I loved it!

I was spending my time between doing the laundry and cleaning for the guys, working at the coffee shop and assisting Mike. It was awesome.

I had come to know the regular at ‘The Last chance’, people who were coming to sleep here every night knew me by my first name. I had been here for about a week and I was currently sitting on a bench in central Park, sketching on a notebook. I was thinking about ideas on how to put more beds in the small ‘dormitory’. It occurred to me that instead of simple beds, we could use bunk beds.

It was with a bright smile on my face that I headed back to the apartment, the notebook stuck under my arm. I was whistling a random tune while hurrying to the building where the guys’ apartment was.

It was like a complete new life, nothing in comparison to what I was living with Kevin and my parents. I stopped dead in tracks. Fuck. I turned left, hurrying towards the nearest payphone. I still hadn’t call him, he was probably worried sick…

I rummaged through my pockets, trying to find some coins to put in the machine. I hurriedly dialed the all too familiar number and waited for him to pick up.

It went straight to the answering machine.
“Hey Kevin, it’s me Jaelynn. Just wanted to tell you that I’m all right. I’m currently staying with some friends of mine. I can’t really tell you where I am though, I still need time. I… I’m sorry I left without warning, I just had to… I hope you’re doing fine… Well…”

The words were harder to come out.

“I ha-… I got to go now… Take care. Love you. Bye.” And I hung up, nearly smashing the phone on its base. That’s when I realized that my hands were shaking and that something wet was making its way down my cheek. It could have been rain, except that the sky was bright blue on this December afternoon. It definitely wasn’t rain, I caught my reflection on a window. I was crying.

I snorted, almost flipping the bird to my own reflection and hurried straight to ‘The Last Chance’ instead of going back to the apartment. Frank and Mikey would have more time to themselves that way…

It was still weird for me to realize that I was walking down the street in New York. The city was so huge compared to where I was coming from. No one knew me here, compared to my hometown where I couldn’t wander the street because people would always stop me to have a small chat and stuff. Here, I was no one and it felt damn good.

I was smiling when I skipped into the weird looking building.

“Ah, here she is! The sun in my rainy day!” said Derrick, looking away from the game of chess he was playing with Lee, Georgia, as always, was watching them.

“Hey ya girl, guys!” I said cheerfully, skipping in their direction. I dropped a kiss on their cheeks.

“What have you been up to?” I asked, taking off my scarf and gloves.

“Well, I’m on my way to finally winning this game…” said Lee, smiling my way. He had several teeth missing and an ugly scar running from his left temple to the left corner of his mouth. A drunken battle. He told me that story a dozen of time since I first met him.

Then, there was Derrick, who was coming straight from the Bronx. An old badass kid with a heart of gold. Poor guy had a lot of trouble during his younger days, full of drugs and alcohol. He was just like any old man now, his eyesight not as good as his earlier days. His golden tooth was showing as he smiled, his face all wrinkled.

And Georgia, a petite woman, with grey hair. She was lacking several tooth as well. She was an artist in her earlier days and now she was still painting, as a hobby.

Those three were my favorites and they were living here. They all had a story to tell. Lee and Georgia weren’t here by choice, whereas Derrick was. They were all so different and yet so similar. It was… dare I say refreshing to be around them.
They weren’t wallowing in their own misery.

“How are you doing?” asked Georgia.

“Not bad… I had the afternoon off work, so I went to the park for a bit, and then headed straight here…” I explained, taking a plastic chair and sitting down with them.

“Why didn’t you go to hang with your friends?” asked Derrick, looking thoughtfully at the game.

I shrugged.
“I felt like going here… Didn’t want you to start missing me.” I said, winking at Derrick who had left his gaze off the game for a bit.

“We always miss you when you’re not around Jaelynn!” said Mike, coming out of the back of the building.

“True…” said Georgia.

I smiled at the older man.
“Hey Mike!”

“Come help me with the decorations…” said Mike, taking a step back from the hug.

“Decorations?” I asked, unsure.

“Christmas is just around the corner Jaelynn! I can’t believe you would forget!” said Lee, shaking his head.

“Damn…” I swore, following Mike to the back. “Already?” I asked.

Now that wasn’t part of my plan, spending Christmas here I mean. I really wasn’t supposed to stay here for so long. I wasn’t even supposed to end up in New York in the first place. I made a face as I followed Mike down to his office. How was I supposed to explain to everyone that I was leaving soon. Too soon.

I was just getting used to my life here. I was finally able to made the washing machine work properly in the lavatory, I had just only started to make the perfect veggie lasagna for Frank and I finally got the hang of getting up without stumbling in the folding screen.

I had gotten used to the long conversation I had with Gerard at night, about nothing and everything. Bob, picking me up from work when I was working late, Ray and his fuzzy hair, Mikey and Frank, the two lovebirds.

I blinked rapidly, chasing away the tears. I was getting used to them. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I was supposed to keep going.

And I would, once winter will be over.

That was it, I shall get going with my own life, after winter.
So, that meant I was going to have to go look for presents… I smiled.
I grabbed the boxes Mike was handing me and took them back to the
main room.

**

“Jaelynn, it’s past 9pm, you should go back.” Said Mike as I was just about done with serving dinner.

“Already? Crap.” I muttered, taking off the plastic gloves and the apron. I washed my hands, grabbed my coat, scarf and gloves. I kissed Mike’s cheeks before hurrying through the tables.

“Bye everyone. Enjoy your meal!” I said, waving at all those faces, both known and unknown.
There was a chorus of “Bye” and I was out in the street.

The afternoon had went by in a blur. The main room was decorated, with a Christmas tree in a corner. It wasn’t a big one, because the space was already restrain, but it was okay. The few kids that came here, when they saw me putting up the decorations, they rushed to help me. And soon every single person waiting for dinner were helping me decorating the tree. It was nice.

I hurried down the streets, to the building where the boys would be waiting for their dinner. I just hoped that either Bob or Ray would still be at work. It would give me more time.
I kicked the door opened and rushed up the stairs, while trying to take off my gloves and scarf. I knocked once on the now familiar wooden door and opened it.

The TV was on, and the volume was rather loud.
I threw my coat and stuff in the small space between the wall and the folding screen, it landed on my bed. I had gotten quote the hang of it. I was pro at it now to say the truth.
Gerard was sitting on the couch, his knees up against his chest.

“Hi Gerard!” I said, letting myself fall next to him.

He turned his head in my direction, realizing only now that someone else was in the room.

“Why is the TV so loud?” I asked.

His hands shot to his ears and he took out some cotton balls from his ears.

“Sorry.” He apologized, glaring in direction of Frank & Mikey’s room.
“Those two were going at it like rabbits.” He muttered, shuddering.

I chuckled and patted his head.

“I feel your discomfort.” I said, “Want to help me make dinner?”

He nodded and got up from the couch.
I had to admit that from the 5 guys I was living with, Gerard was the hottest one. I froze at that thought and slapped my forehead with a ‘smack!’ and hurried to the kitchen.

“Where are Bob and Ray?” I asked, opening the fridge.

“Ray went out for a bit, and Bob is late. I guess he isn’t done with work.” Explained Gerard, holding the fridge open.

“Bob is probably in New Jersey, stuck in the traffic, like the other day.” I commented, loud enough to be heard over the TV.
I guess Gerard nodded at my comment, he stayed silent and I couldn’t see him as I was rummaging through the fridge, wondering what I could make tonight. I was running out of ideas, and running out of food.

“Tell me Jaelynn, did you contact your family?” he asked.

I froze, almost dropping the box of eggs I was holding.

“Yeah, yeah I did. Just today actually. My fiancé. Just to tell him not to worry…” I explained, telling the truth, as always.

“You should probably go back to your family for Christmas.” Said Gerard, taking the eggs from me.

I choked on my own saliva and starred at him with wide eyes.

“Is that your own way of telling me to leave?” I asked.

“No, it’s not. I just think that it’s not reasonable for you to hide here.” He explained.

“Hide?” I choked.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?” he asked, calmly closing the fridge.

“I’m not hiding. I left on my own choice and…”

“It’s called hiding when you don’t want other people to find you.” He said.

“I’m not hiding Gerard! I just don’t want Kevin or anyone from my family to find me because they wouldn’t understand. I don’t even understand it myself.” I said, rubbing my neck. “I’ll go back home once I’m ready. It’s not the case. I’m not ready yet.” I said quickly. The last thing I wanted was Gerard to kick me out. I was planning on leaving, but he wasn’t supposed to kick me out before the end of winter.

I felt a weird sensation in my body and I realized that I was feeling nervous. The way he was looking at me, it was intimidating.

“It’s not fair.” He said.

I rose an eyebrow and took a step back, turning on my feet and facing the sink. I washed my hands.

“What you’re doing to your family. It’s not fair. You have no idea how many girls, how many women disappear everyday in the world. You could be kidnapped for all they know, or worse, dead.” he said the last word casually, leaning on the counter.

I chose to remain silent.

“Your family could have reported your disappearance, sent your picture to the police or even the FBI. What would happen if someone recognizes you in the street and call the police?” he asked, clearly not waiting for me to answer. “You’ll be back to square one.”

I froze, dropped the dishcloth I was using to dry my hands and turned to stare at him.
“Okay, okay. I heard you. So what? What am I supposed to do? Call my parents and tell them that I’m in New York? Tell them that I’m all right and that I don’t plan on coming home anytime soon?” I asked, chuckling nervously.

Seriously, the look on his face was intimidating. He was acting careless, but at the same time serious, almost manipulative.
Like a cop in a movie, trying to make the suspect confess his crime.

“Exactly. You should do just that. You wouldn’t want the cops to be send after you, would you?” he asked, his face back to normal. He shot me a small smile and then left me in the kitchen. He grabbed his pack of cigarettes and left the apartment.

I took a deep, shaky breath and dropped down on the floor.

“What the fuck?” I asked myself, aloud.