The World Is Ugly.

Saying I was restless wouldn’t even be close to the reality. I wasn’t restless. I was freaking scared. I was scared to death. I felt like I was walking onto a thread, I had to stay focus on my feet because one mistake and I could fall.

And if I did, it’d only mean one thing. I’d be back to square one.

The ‘missing’ flyer I had seen in Gerard’s drawer was haunting me. I could see my own face with bright red bold letters. It was giving me nightmares, really.

Christmas was just around the corner now. I was working more hours at the coffee shop and all my free time was spend at ‘The Last Chance’. I was avoiding staying in the same room as Gerard at all costs. At first it was just because of the physical attraction I felt towards him, now it was to save my life and to avoid any questions.

I think the guys had noticed a slight change in my behavior, but that was the least of my worries at the moment…

I felt trapped, like a rat stuck in a corner, with a cat starring at me, waiting for my next move to chop my head off. I was the rat, Gerard was the cat.

I let out a shaky breath as I brought the pot of soup onto the large table. I wiped my hands on the grey apron and took the spoon, ready to serve the table. The first table was full of regulars, people that shouldn’t even be there, really. No one should be there, starving…

I felt bad, seeing those tired, wrinkled faces, tanned by the wind and the cold… I wished I could save them somehow… Give them somewhere to sleep and feel at home… But all I could do, with give this place some of my time. And thinking that I might just leave them so soon, it made my heart squeeze painfully inside of my chest.
I tried my best to show them a comforting and warm smile as I served the bowls that were passed to me.

I went to the next table, carrying the pot, it was lighter this time, and it would be completely empty with not a drop left when I could carry it back to the kitchen.

**

“Jaelynn?”

I was about to leave the place, dinner was over, I was taking my coat from Mike’s office.
“Yes?”

“I just wanted to ask, are you all right?” he asked, standing at the entrance, a bothered look on his face.

“I’m fine Mike, don’t worry…” I replied, putting on my best smile.

“…” he sighed and rubbed his neck. “I hope you are Jaelynn, I hope you are… Everyone’s pretty worried about you… How you tense up every time you hear the sirens going off in the street, or when the door opens…” he sighed. “Go home now, it’s already late. Do you me to ask eith…”

“No Mike, really… I’ll be fine.” I said, wrapping my scarf around my neck, buttoning my coat, putting my hood up and putting my gloves on. “I’m ready…” I said as I turned to face him.
He chuckled lightly, calling me a ‘cute little snowman’ before leading the way back to the main room.

“Leaving already?” asked Derrick, as soon as he saw me walking in.

“Yeah… It’s time you know? I bet they’re worried now…” I mumbled. “But don’t worry, I’ll be back before you know it… Tomorrow’s the big day!” I said, smiling brightly.
They shook their head, trying to hide their smile.

“Be careful on your way back…” said Mike, as he was holding the door open for me. I waved at my friends inside and then looked at Mike who was scanning the area, frowning slightly.

“Please, be careful Jaelynn… Don’t stop on your way, don’t take the subways and walk str-”

“Straight back to the apartment. I know Mike, I know… that’s what you say every evening. I’ll be cautious. Good luck for tonight, I’ll see you tomorrow!” I said, looking at each side of the road before crossing the road. I waved at Mike and turned around the corner, taking the shortest way to the apartment. I had 3 choices of “path”, and I liked to change every now and then. Mike and Derrick told me to never take the same road 3 consecutive times, they’re scared someone would want to follow me. Gerard and Bob mentioned it once or twice too.

Thinking of Gerard, an unconscious shiver ran through my body and I shoved my gloved-hands deeper into my pockets, hurrying down the road. Tomorrow would be Christmas Eve… I had so many things to do… I wanted this day to be special, not for me, but for the ones around me…
I frowned slightly, slowing down a bit. I lightly turned my head and looked over my shoulder. No one. I frowned and started walking faster again.

I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was either being watched, or followed… Or maybe both.
There was a car parked in the deserted street and a bunch of guys around it. I quickly glanced their ways but immediately dropped my gaze as I caught sighed of their leather jackets with skulls on the back. Maybe it was a gang, oh damn…
I let out a shaky breath, praying to God that I would go unnoticed as I kept my gaze locked on the ground, walking.

“Please, please, please…” I whispered to myself.

I was sweating, I felt a drop of sweat roll down my neck, between my shoulder blade and down my spine. Ugh… I felt like the poor desperate girl in those old lame horror movies…
I walked passed them incognito. I was about to turn around a corner when I bumped into something and fell on my butt.

I blinked a few times and tried to get back on my feet when I spotted two boots. I frowned and looked up, discovering that those boots were attached to legs and that those legs belonged to the person I had run into.

“Sorry!” I apologized, standing up and brushing the dirty snow off of my jeans and coat.
I looked up again, only to realize that the person was slightly taller than me, oddly enough, we were standing next to a lamppost. Also, I realized that, first : it was a guy; second : he was standing closer to me than before; third : he was looking at me. I gulped.

“Sorry” I apologized again, it came out like a ‘squeak’ coming from a mouse.

The corner of the man’s lips twitched slightly into what looked like a smirk. I took a step back unintentionally, as a shiver ran down my spine. The man still had his gaze on me. I couldn’t discern his face that made it even scarier…

It was dark, cold and windy… And this wasn’t the best part of town.

A dark aura was coming from him, something scary yet intriguing. I just couldn’t look away from him, I was frozen on the spot.
“What is a girl like you, doing in this part of town?”

I blinked, unable to find words. Another shiver ran through my body. This guy was going to kill me. He took a step forward and I bent my head, held my arms up, trying to protect myself.

“Gates!”

I turned my head to look over my shoulder, only to realize that the voice had come from one of the guys I had spotted earlier near the car. Except that now, they were in the car, the windows rolled down. The guy who had spoken had a cap on, I couldn’t discern his face, except for two shinning things on his lips, piercings.

My ‘aggressor’ let out some incoherent words and I looked back at him, slowly lowering my arms. I realized he had some kind of hat on his head and when I lowered my eyes, I spot something by his side.

A baseball bat.

Something inside of me snapped, my brain took control over my body and before I knew it, I was running.

I heard to roaring of an engine.

I ran even faster, crossing the street when I wasn’t supposed to and almost getting hit by a taxi as I kept on running. I didn’t even to look over my shoulder, until I reached the building. I almost burst the door opened and ran up the stairs, only to slip because of the snow still under my boots. I was waiting for my chin to collide with the stairs, but it never came.

I looked up and was face to face with the only person I didn’t want to see at the moment : Gerard.

He was gripping my coat, stopping me from breaking my jaw. In one swift movement, he put me back on my feet.

We were starring at one other in the staircase, my breath unsteady because of my little sprint in the streets of NY. He took a step forward, standing on the same step as I was. I took a step forward and my back hit the wall.

It was the first time I was seeing him from up-close.

And I don’t know if it was because my brain wasn’t connected to my body anymore or if it was because of the adrenaline rushing through my veins at the moment, but Gerard looked even more handsome to me at the moment.

His black tousled hair, his pale skin, with the dim light in the staircase… I couldn’t take my eyes off him. It was taking me all of my self-control to prevent myself from jumping on him…

His hazel eyes staring back at me. Our faces inches away from one other…

I was about to open my mouth to say something when the light was blocked from my sight and I felt something on my lips. My breath caught stuck in my throat as I realized that it was his lips, against mine. My brain gave up directing my body as I felt my arms instantly wrapping themselves around him and my fingers tangling themselves in his hair.

And with the adrenaline rushing through my body, mixed with the fear I had felt just a moment ago and the physical attraction I had always felt towards Gerard, God knows what would have happened if Frank hadn’t opened the door to the staircase and called Gerard’s name from the floor above.

**

“Merry Christmas!” I greeted as Tom and Jason made their way into the common room.

“Merry Christmas!” they greeted back as I went to give them a hug. Sure, it was Christmas it was Christmas Eve, but who cared…

The common room was well-decorated, I had added a few things here and there. I had gathered the three tables to form a U, I had put up red tablecloths. I had stacked a pyramid of boxes under the Christmas tree. I had been there since early morning.

Tom and Jason, two teenagers that came here from time to time : an abusive father and an alcoholic mother. Of course they would prefer to spend Christmas Eve away from home.

“Do you need help Jae?” asked Tom as Jason went to join Georgia in watching the chess game.

“Go ask Mike if he needs anything…” I said with a smile. He nodded and left.

Truth is, I had a good reason to leave the apartment early. I just couldn’t stay in the apartment when they would wake up. It was already hard enough for me to face Gerard after our little encounter in the staircase…

When Frank had broken our moment, it’d been awkward during dinner… When I walked inside the apartment, I went straight to the bathroom to shower and when I came out, dinner was ready and everyone was waiting for me.

I don’t really know what happened during dinner, all I know is that, when they all left to sleep, I was sitting on my mattress, starring out at the city lights, as the snow was falling and I couldn’t bring myself to sleep.

Memories of the day were flashing through my mind, making me go from scared to flustered… Scared from my encounter with that ‘gang’ or whatever it was with that nutcase and his baseball bat… Flustered from Gerard’s kiss…

Reaching out into my bag, I had taken my camera and recorded myself, talking about everything that had happened that day. But even after that, I couldn’t sleep…

I had too much to think about after my decision was made…

“Jae? Jae? Are you there?”

I blinked as I was brought back to earth by Mike. And I realized that the room was a loud noisier that it previously was.

“Lee won the chess game, can you believe it?” squealed Jason. I laughed, looking over at the chess game where Lee and Derrick had been playing, everyday ever since I came here. Lee was laughing, showing off his missing teeth as Derrick was playfully sulking on his chair, pretending to be offended when in fact, it was obvious he was refraining himself from laughing as well.

The sun was already beginning to set as more people started to fill the room. With a total of 25 people sitting at the tables, I told Mike we could start serving the food.

I put on a red Christmas hat and a red apron as I started serving the soup. I had put up some Christmas music, to match the mood as I was serving the food. First was the soup, then turkey with vegetables and as a dessert, I had spend the morning baking cakes. And exceptionally, instead of water, there were orange juice, coke and red wine. I had stopped by the nearest shop to buy them.

As it was time for the dessert, I turned off the lights, the only lights in the room being on the Christmas tree and the few candles on the tables.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you Lee, happy birthday to you!”

I placed the cake in front of him and Mike switched the lights back on as everyone applauded. I felt my eyes burning slightly as I saw how Lee wasn’t even able to hold back the tears as he was congratulated by his friends and everyone gathered here.

Lee was from America, he had moved from Hong Kong decades ago, and he hadn’t seen his family in so long… I didn’t know much about his life, but the few things I knew were enough…

It’s around 9pm when everyone had left the tables to gather around the tree. The elders were seated on the couches, the younger were sitting on the floor, listening to their stories.

I think it’d be something I’ll remember forever. How, besides the difference of ethnies, ages and background, people could be like a family. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Seeing them, gathered together, laughing together even if they didn’t knew what they’d be doing the next day, where they would sleep… Emotions were overwhelming as I recalled previous Christmas I had passed with my family, back in my hometown…

I remember when we were opening the presents, there were always someone who would make a comment because it was too much this, or too much that…

Here, they didn’t care.

“Hey Jaelynn, you all right?”

I looked over my shoulder and saw Mike. He went to stand next to me. I stayed silent, my gaze drifting back to the group.

“You know, I have to thank you…” he said.

“There’s no need to thank me.” I whispered.

“Jaelynn, I saw the bunk-beds in the dormitory… Instead of 20 beds, you managed to double the beds… I can put 40 people there. That, and the cake you baked for Lee and everyone, last year we could only offer him a bag of cookies. You even put candles on the cake… and the decoration, and just everything you’ve been doing for me, for them over the last few weeks… Thank you Jaelynn, really.”

I kept my head low, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him, to tell them. I stayed silent.

“You know, I hope you’ll be there tomorrow morning when they’ll open the presents you bought them… Everyone’ll be so surprised… Georgia told me that it was nice of you to have bothered to wrap up empty boxes to make it look like presents…” he chuckled. “I kept silent though, didn’t spoil the fun of telling her that those were real presents…”
I cracked a smile, but a sad one.

**
“Jaelynn! You forgot your camera!”

I stopped in my tracks and turned to look at Jason. I thanked him and put it in my bag, quietly.
“See you tomorrow!” everyone sang, waving at me as I was about to walk out of the door. It was getting close to 10pm now… “Merry Christmas!”

“Be careful on your way back!”
I smiled at them and without postponing the dreading moment anymore, I walked out of ‘the Last Chance’.

I crossed the street as always, but instead of turning, I kept walking until I reached a building and walked in, straight to the 2nd floor. I took the key out of my pocket and slide it in the lock.
Nothing had moved an inch, everything was still where I had left them this morning in this small hotel room. My bags were packed.

I wasn’t going back tonight.