I Bleed On These Handcuffs

Today I can't even walk into a police station. When I see those holding cells I cringe. There is truly no better place to become claustrophobic, which is a new fear I have thanks to those little hell cells. After being put back in there all I could do was sit like a stone. I had to keep myself together and really figure out how this was going to play out. Melinda is dead. Thats the first thing I had to come to terms with. It still hurts knowing I had the smallest feeling of hope that she would walk in and I could kiss her and say goodbye. If only I could've said goodbye....NO. Theres was no use pondering what I wish could've happened. The time flew. The next time I looked up from my hands it was dawn. I figured I couldn't put anything together without something like sleep, although I knew real sleep would not come. I laid back on that stone-like cot and closed my eyes. It took about two hours but I finally got into a relaxed state. Then the worry came of letting my mind wonder. If I wanted to keep myself under control I had to push her from my mind. I was keeping my breathing on a perfect count, and eventually I fell into a trance like thing. I amazed myself by not dreaming of her. I went into a sort of montage about my parents. About the major events with them anyway. I wonder what a movie about my life at home would be called......
AGE SIX: "Get OUT of the kitchen Anthony!"
"But mommmmyyyyyyyy! I want a cookie!"
"Sweetheart, you didn't eat dinner."
"Because it didn't taste like cookies."
"OH honey, go eat it and MAYBE you can have one."
"MOMMMMYYYYYYYYY! I.WANT.COOOKKKKIIIIEEEESSSSS!!!"
"WHATS ALL THAT FUCKING RACKET?!?!?!?!"
"Oh shit. Now you've done it Anthony! Quick, go to your room!" So I ran. I ran as fast as my little six year old legs would carry me. I put my ear up to the door of my small. blue room so I could still hear mommy and daddy from the kitchen on the other side of the hallway in our apartment. "He didn't mean to wake you. God Jerry, he's only a child."
"A child we never should have had!"
"How dare you!He's your fucking son! Your blood runs through his veins!"
"I NEVER WANTED KIDS, you fertile BITCH!"
"It's not my fault you say condoms /ruin the feel/!"
"WELLLL I am NOT the one who forgot to take my birth control pill! AMI I?!"
"FUCK.YOU." Slap. Punch. Punch. Slap. Kick? Daddy usually only slapped mommy. Two slaps sometimes. And he only punched her once. /He must be so angry that I exist..../ I thought. I knew they were fighting about me. I was the only child around here. Besides Maci down the street. She was around my age. There was also Tommy down stairs, but he was a year younger than me. He also liked to beat people up, I stayed away from him. I had figured out which sound went with each assault. Punch, punch, punch. Then about five kicks. All of the sudden I heard mommy start screaming. It sounded like she was gargling water in her mouth while screaming. Now I know it was blood. I'm pretty sure the last swift kick is what finally made all the love for me seep out of my mother. I knew she loved me at the time, but my father could beat anything out of anyone. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't have forgotten my pill!! I should have had an abortion!!! I'm SO SORRY! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Then it all fell silent. Then I heard my daddy's heavy footsteps coming toward my room. I sprinted for my bed and hid under the covers. I laid as flat as I could and tried to hold my breath. I tried so hard but it just made my breathing louder. I heard my door open and my dad walk over to my bed. He ripped the covers away from me and I turned my head to look at him. I sat up and looked at him some more, I felt like crying. Daddy wouldn't like that. Boys aren't allowed to have evil eye water. Daddy said that was only for mommy when she was "pmsing" even though I didn't have a clue what that meant.
"Why were you yelling?" he asked in a voice so even I shook. His gray eyes were so scary I would have given anything to hide again. I just blinked at him, "You can answer me. Answer me!"
"uh...uh....cookie?"
"You're not 3! You can talk in full sentences!!"
"I wanted a cookie without eating dinner." I said and started bawling. That was when daddy grabbed my throat. He lifted me into the air by my throat and I started to see black spots in front of my eyes. It was hard to breath. It was EVEN harder to breath. Then he flung me against the wall like I was one of Maci's baby dolls. I just laid where my wall and floor met. I tried to catch my breath as desperately as I could. Daddy grabbed the front of my shirt and pinned me against the wall. He started hitting me in the stomach until I stopped letting the evil eye water flow.
"pussy...stupid little mistake..." I heard him mutter as he left me alone in my room and closed the door. I crawled slowly across my floor into my small closet and tucked myself under some dirty clothes. I cried until the next morning.
AGE 12: My dad hadn't beat us in six years. He slapped me across the back of the head on occasion. Like when I failed a class, when he caught me making out with a girl in my room, and when I got kicked off the football team for fighting. My mom couldn't even look me in the eye, I knew she secretly hated me since that night. It's amazing how just a few hours can really change your life. I was ok with my still verbally abusive dad and my zombie of a mom. I had found my nook. I started going to hardcore shows. It was a place where I really fit in. I had met a lot of guys who treated me like a little brother. I had a little bit of muscle from my crappy football playing. I kicked ass if I do say so myself. I had blacked peoples eyes and knocked the wind out of people in mosh pits. I learned to understand words when they were screamed and I really felt like I had a home. All my friends were around 17-26 but they protected me at shows. It was a good time. Until one night all my boys were drunk so I went right along with them, I thought they'd protect me. One of them drove me home and we came close to having about nine or ten accidents. I'm lucky I didn't die that night. It was around 1am when I stumbled into my apartment.
"MOOOOOOMMMMMMMM! MOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" I screamed at the top of my lungs when I got inside. She came running out and looked straight at me for the first time in forever.
"I have...a qquestionnn for youuu mother dearest. When was it exactly that you stopped loving me? How many times did it take for him to kick me out of your heart?" She looked at me terrified.
"I...I......Anthony," she took a step towards me and smelt the alcohol on me, "get off to bed before your dad wake---"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!" This time my mom just ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
"Not again....." I mumbled. A soon as my dad was in view I knew he smelt the raw vodka and the screwdrivers I had downed about an hour and a half ago. His eyes blazed and turned from their usual bright blue to a deadly gray. A terror ran through my drunk body. He pinned me by my neck against the wall. He spit on my face as he yelled.
"You little underage shit! YOU LITTLE DRUNK! I bet you lost your virginity you slut! Did you steal some more girls innocence!! HUH?!?! YOU NO GOOD FUCKING CUNT!" I couldn't reply cause he was choking the life out of me. In all honesty my tongue had been down about 4 or 5 girls throats that night. He dropped me and I gasped for my breath. Each deep breath in hurt like I was being stabbed in the chest. He put a swift kick into my ribs. I felt a crack. I screamed out in pain. "MAN UP!!" he yelled and kicked me in the ribs six more time while I struggled to get up. He grabbed the front of my shirt and dragged me to my feet. He punched me across the face and let me fall back to the ground. Pain was rushing through me like hot led and I felt myself blacking out. Thankfully he walked away at that point. It took me two hours to get enough strength to make my way back to my room. I crawled under the dirty clothes in my closet and fell asleep.
AGE 13: The beatings continued. 5 to 6 times a week. My mom grew a habit of locking herself in the bathroom and drinking during this time. I was in this hell all by myself. One day I saw girl with snakebites, and a Bring Me The Horizon t-shirt. I was wearing mine that day too. I went up to her and we started to talk. In the beginning of December I ask her out. She said yes, I was ecstatic. Then that nasty little time in the relationship where she needs to meet my parents came around. I was dreading it but I had her over New Years Eve. I was worried about how my parents would react to her, she was a lot like me. My parents hated me. I had her over never the less. My mom played the protective-mom role and my dad played the proud-father role. I hated that the most because she just smiled and laughed with them. I guessed they fooled her. So we all sat and ate snacks and had a little bit a champagne when the ball dropped. I kissed her at midnight, all that jazz. At about 1am I walked her to the bus stop. There was a special New Years Transit bus running extra late. She gave me a huge hug and I encased her in my arms. She smelled really nice. She looked up t me and we kissed.
"I saw right through their bullshit, don't you worry. The next time your dad hits you come to my house. I like in building 12, apartment 4a. Only 4 blocks away. I don't even understand why I have to take the bus." I looked at her completely shocked. I had never told her that my dad hits me.
"o...ok. And you have to take the bus cause I want you to be safe. I love you." Then it was her turn to look shocked. I held her tight against me and raised her off her feet as I pressed my lips against hers. That was the first time we kissed with tongues may I add. Then she got on the bus and said "I love you too." out the window. I walked back inside feeling as light as air. I was in love for the first time in my life. I opened the door with my head full of her. I was welcomed by a punch across the face. I stumbled but didn't fall. At that point I had almost the same hair as now, just a little longer. So my dad grabbed me by the back of the hair and dragged me down the hallway into the living room with the big windows. He grabbed the champagne bottle and poured the contents on my face, then he smashed it across my face. He took the shattered top and cut open my arm. I bit my tongue to keep from screaming, I tasted blood in my mouth from that. He kicked me once in the ribs before he walked off to go to bed. As soon as he was out of ear shot i ran out the door, and down two blocks. It took me about ten minutes to find her apartment. I knocked on the door and a woman in black sweats, a misfits shirt, and black hair pulled away from her face in a bun answered. She couldn't have been older than 28, I thought it was her older sister. I later found out the 28-year-old was her mom. Her mom just nodded at me and said
"Melinda told me you'd be coming by all beat up. Your dad did this to you? What an ass. Pleased to meet you Anthony, she's right in her room down the hall. She'll get you all fixed up." I nodded my head in a thank-you and went off to find her room.
Thats where I snapped myself out of it. I was about to think about her, and only her. I couldn't so that right now. I went to the bars and asked someone passing by,
"What time is it?"
"1pm."
"What day?"
"Monday."
Jessica was coming in an hour. We had to do paperwork to get me ready for a trial where I was being represented an 18 year old lawyer. How does that even happen? My luck.