Status: (fairly) active. (:
I'll make you so sure about it.
Thirty-eight.
I hardly heard Brendon as he spoke to me.
"Do you want a drink?" He questioned, and I couldn't help wondering if he knew. This squirming nervousness drilled through my stomach.
We were on our own tour bus now, having set off from the last venue around twenty minutes previously. Alone, I had no idea what to say or even think.
I could hardly comprehend the fact that I had nearly kissed Ryan. So dissapointed in myself, at the back of my head I felt so unrealisitically paranoid. I hated myself then.
"Yeah. Any beers?" I asked, staring up into Brendon's face, my guilt limitless. He leaned down toward where I was sat at the semi-circular table, his lips very close to mine. As always in moments like that, I felt precious, untainted. Warm, pround and young.
But that time it was ruined, I felt horribly cold and I was overcome with this huge voice saying 'God, Tess. You don't deserve this magical, magical boy. Quit fucking around."
I stood up and wrapped my arms around his neck, smelling his shirt - that sweet scent filled my bones almost as if it never would again.
"Brendon..." I murmured, unsure of how to get these words out.
"Yeah?" His voice was still one of those things I could cling to in moments of sadness, but now I felt I didn't deserve it.
Like I didn't deserve him.
I pushed my head into his neck, my arms so tight around him.
"I really love you.." I was on the verge of tears. "Tell me you know that. I want you to know that I love you, no matter what."
Unsurprisingly, he sensed something was up. He peered down at me, a concerned dip between his eyebrows.
"Hey, Tess, don't cry." He half-laughed at my fresh tears. "What's up?"
I couldn't bring myself to tell him.
"Nothing, Brendon. I just.. I just love you." I sniffed, bringing my crying into moderation. Brendon clutched me close to his body. I could occasionally feel his heart beating against my throat. Thus proved our height difference. He kissed the top of my head like nothing was wrong.
"I love you too, Tessa."
In all my guilt and shame, I knew in that moment I would make it right. I'd give Brendon everything, if it killed me.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled into the crook of his neck.
"Don't be. You haven't done anything" Brendon chuckled, so unaware. I should be sorry, Brendon. I really should be.
Making it up to him, I took his hands, those rough, guitar-player hands in my own and pulled him silently towards the cramped bunkbeds.
"Do you want a drink?" He questioned, and I couldn't help wondering if he knew. This squirming nervousness drilled through my stomach.
We were on our own tour bus now, having set off from the last venue around twenty minutes previously. Alone, I had no idea what to say or even think.
I could hardly comprehend the fact that I had nearly kissed Ryan. So dissapointed in myself, at the back of my head I felt so unrealisitically paranoid. I hated myself then.
"Yeah. Any beers?" I asked, staring up into Brendon's face, my guilt limitless. He leaned down toward where I was sat at the semi-circular table, his lips very close to mine. As always in moments like that, I felt precious, untainted. Warm, pround and young.
But that time it was ruined, I felt horribly cold and I was overcome with this huge voice saying 'God, Tess. You don't deserve this magical, magical boy. Quit fucking around."
I stood up and wrapped my arms around his neck, smelling his shirt - that sweet scent filled my bones almost as if it never would again.
"Brendon..." I murmured, unsure of how to get these words out.
"Yeah?" His voice was still one of those things I could cling to in moments of sadness, but now I felt I didn't deserve it.
Like I didn't deserve him.
I pushed my head into his neck, my arms so tight around him.
"I really love you.." I was on the verge of tears. "Tell me you know that. I want you to know that I love you, no matter what."
Unsurprisingly, he sensed something was up. He peered down at me, a concerned dip between his eyebrows.
"Hey, Tess, don't cry." He half-laughed at my fresh tears. "What's up?"
I couldn't bring myself to tell him.
"Nothing, Brendon. I just.. I just love you." I sniffed, bringing my crying into moderation. Brendon clutched me close to his body. I could occasionally feel his heart beating against my throat. Thus proved our height difference. He kissed the top of my head like nothing was wrong.
"I love you too, Tessa."
In all my guilt and shame, I knew in that moment I would make it right. I'd give Brendon everything, if it killed me.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled into the crook of his neck.
"Don't be. You haven't done anything" Brendon chuckled, so unaware. I should be sorry, Brendon. I really should be.
Making it up to him, I took his hands, those rough, guitar-player hands in my own and pulled him silently towards the cramped bunkbeds.
♠ ♠ ♠
it's very short, i know.i'm just saying now, if there are hideous amounts of spelling mistakes, or if this chapter is just plain shite, i apologize.
yes, i am drunk.
the time is 12.30am and me and my boyfriend just got back from my friend Cat's BBQ. didn't really work out as a BBQ because i didn't eat, just drank an awful lot or beer, magners and rose wine. so yeaaah. this is all i wanted to do when i got home apart from smoking and eating cupcakes. (:
i can't believe how long i let this story rot. i will never neglect you again, IMYSSAI.
(: oh Brendon.
wonder if my mum'll get mad if i smoke on the balcony...