Shattering Crystals

Lorraine sits down next to me on the bench. She takes small sips of her strawberry smoothie through a clear straw. Sunglasses cover her brown eyes.

Dean is sitting on my other side. The three of us are at the mall, just hanging out and talking about our lives before magic.

"What do you think happened to Amanda?" Dean asks. Amanda, last time we saw her, had been auditioning for commercials. "I wonder if she ever got the part."

"Probably not," Lorraine says. "We haven't seen any of her commercials."

"Yeah, but they might not show them here," I point out. "So we wouldn't know."

"Oh," Dean says. "Guess we'll never know."

"She was in my group of friends," Lorraine says. "She was pretty - gorgeous, even - but I don't know. She wasn't that great of an actress."

"Yeah, I used to like her," Dean says.

"She noticed."

"Oh, how nice..." Dean answers. "You don't have to tell me, and I'm not gonna ask. I know she didn't like me."

"That's not the question," Lorraine says, looking over the top of her sunglasses. "The question is... who do you like now?"

"No one," Dean says, getting up. "Now excuse me, I have to go buy Ashlee a birthday present."

"It's her, isn't it!"

"No."

"Is it Elise again?"

"No." Dean walks away.

"It's someone," Lorraine announces, even though Dean is already out of earshot.

I don't answer, so Lorraine drinks her smoothie while I stare at the tiled floor. She watched people walk by.

"Did you see that?" she asks, a few minutes later.

"Huh?" I look up.

"That girl..." she says. "She was wearing shorts over green tights. How could you miss that?"

"I don't know... I don't people watch."

"Why?"

I shrug. "I guess I wouldn't like it if they did so to me."

Lorraine leans against the back of the wooden bench. "Makes sense... kind of. I wonder if they know."

"Know what?" Dean asks, returning with a bag in his hand.

"Uhh..."

"About... your baby?"

"How do you know?" Lorraine asks, immediately turning to me with accusing eyes. I frantically shake my head.

"I was awake the night you found out," he explains. Then he sees the worried expression on Lorraine's face and quickly says, "But don't worry. I didn't tell anyone."

Lorraine sighs with relief. "Good... I'd rather you know than anyone else."

"Even Cody?"

She is silent for a few seconds. "I'll have to tell him..."

"I never got to ask you," I say. "How did it happen? When?"

"That night a few days after the whole thing with Katalina... when we were still in Russia. You were out somewhere with Connor. Remember?"

I do remember, and that night brings a smile to my face. Of course, while we were out at a restaurant, we never wondered what Lorraine and Cody had been... doing. "So about a month ago?"

"Yeah. It was his birthday celebration..." Lorraine says, sipping her drink. I can see a faint blush starting behind her sunglasses.

"Uhh... I have to go get a present for Lynda," Dean says, obviously not wanting to be here - because Lynda's birthday is in three months.

"That's... interesting," I say to Lorraine. "And what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know," she says, tears welling in her eyes. But she blinks them away. "I can't even go to a hospital or anything, check if the baby's okay... And I have no idea what I'm going to tell Cody."

"You'll find a way," I mutter. She thinks about this, and then nods her head. Because we both know that it's true.

"I knew something like this would happen," she says. "Not to me... but to someone, at least. I mean, we're a bunch of teenagers with no ‘adult supervision’… We’re going to try and fuck each other."

"Yeah, just take out the ‘try’ part, ‘cause it looks like it already happened," I say. "And I walked in on Lynda and Wessley the other night too. They didn’t see me but… it was awkward."

"No shit. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Not my business. And you didn't tell me..."

"Guess that's fair," she says. She sets the empty cup down on the seat next to her. "What if the same thing happened to Lynda? What if she got knocked up too and she’s not telling anyone?"

"That could be true..." I say. "But I hope not. It's just too much to worry about. She’s looking a bit unhealthy lately though…"

Lorraine bites her lip. "Sorry. I know it’s just… a lot."

"It's okay." Though, it really isn't. I have no idea what's going to happen, or if we return before Lorraine gives birth. Or what happens if there's something wrong with her or the baby? We'll never know...

"It's not like you never had the chance for this to happen, anyways," she says. "I'll bet you slept with Connor already."

"Uhh... nope." I say, and feel heat rising in my cheeks. "Not yet."

"Why not? I mean, you two have certainly been spending a lot of time alone..."

"Because we're waiting. When we get back to Crystallaria, it will be that much more special," I say, using the same lie I had used on Connor. I know it’s not the real reason.

"Oh. That makes sense. I guess I should have kept it in my pants, huh?"

“Yeah…”

We wait for Dean to return, and Lorraine keeps watching people walk by, pointing out every little thing she notices about them. I don't really listen, and instead let my mind wander over the conversations I had today.

Dean had so easily admitted to liking Amanda. I would never be able to do that, with Jesse. What makes me so different from him? Why can't I say the things I really think?

I realized that I don't speak a lot. Want to be heard, but too afraid to speak up. Or maybe I just don't think my opinion matters. Who am I?

Lorraine and Dean had been talking about our former classmates, pointing out their good points and bad points. Mostly bad. That's typical of teenagers - they will talk behind each other's backs. I can admit to doing that. But that was before. I can't bring myself to do it anymore without feeling overwhelming guilt at everything, and I hate it.

Being with Lorraine doesn't feel the same anymore, like I can't talk to her about the things I really wanted to talk about. She can talk about her relationship with Cody, and maybe give a little too much information, but I can barely even say anything about Connor. Why can't I tell her that every time I see him, I fall for him a little harder?

And then the conversation about sex. I know inside that I'm not waiting for Crystallaria to celebrate, though the excuse seems highly plausible. It makes more sense than my real situation.

I am afraid that Connor won't like me. I don't want to be exposed - what if my body isn't what he wants? Once we get back to Crystallaria, I will be perfect. I will be everything he - or anyone, for that matter - wants. There will be no fear then.

And it still doesn't make sense. There is nothing I particularly dislike about my human body; I've always liked it. There were times that Lorraine or Leilani and our not-as-close friends went to the mall and into dressing rooms. They could all pile into one and be perfectly fine. I went along with it, because they were all doing the same. But there was just something off about people looking at your body, judging every part of you.

I look over at Lorraine. Obviously not dealing with the problems I have. Still watching passersby come and go. And I remember what I had told her. It's true that I wouldn't want people doing that to me.

But why not? The beauty has started showing in my face; I see the proof every time I look in the mirror. I no longer really look like myself, the girl I used to be becoming just a ghost on my features. And I want everyone to know that I am beautiful. Want to be looked at, but too afraid to be seen.

I don't know myself anymore. Like many other teenage girls, I can't find myself; I don't know who I am. But it's different. Magic has twisted my life into something that no one else has experienced.

I've been two people for too long, and it’s time that changes.