What Can You Not Buy With Money?

A knock broke me from my thoughts as I laid under my covers. Without getting up I rolled on my side to check my clock, it reading four in the afternoon. I had slept for a day and a half nonstop, wasting my life away. But I hoped that I’d wither away from dehydration soon enough.

“Mary, I’m coming in.” It was Lucy, her tone serious and sad. She opened the door, a small tray with a coffee mug, a plate of toast, and an omelet filling my nostrils with the scent that would have once filled me with an eager energy. But I felt like I was suffocating from the stench. “Mary, sweetheart.” She sat on the bed, placing the tray on the nightstand. “Please, eat something. Please?” Her deep voice was begging me, her hand on my back as she rubbed it affectionately.

I shook my head. “No. I can’t.” I didn’t dare tell them what had happened, and no matter how much Walker, Lucy, Vern, Adelmo—anyone who bothered—asked, I merely shook my head, telling them I couldn’t say. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. That was the only phrase that escaped my mouth, as though my brain cells were gone. I was a feeble parrot; a weakling.

Lucy leaned forward to hug me, her body warm and her touch kind. It lightened the load of misery that was burying me, but I was still held down by it. She kissed me on the cheek, whispering, “What did Burgess do?”

“I can’t.” I shook my head again, staring like a dead fish at the wall.

Lucy sat up, sighing. “Mary… I’ll…” She sounded like she was about to warn me of something, but she paused. “I’ll… get Walker.”

“No. Don’t.” It wasn’t fair to Walker, but I felt sick whenever his name was mentioned. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but just thinking of him brought back those horrible memories like a knife stabbing at me. Those pictures. Those lies.

“Yes. I can’t leave you alone, not in your condition. Don’t worry though,” Lucy hurriedly explained, “There’s… something I need to do. I’ll be right back, it’s just that I need to know what happened.”

“Please…” I started crying. “No.”

Lucy ignored my protests, calling Walker over. It was a weekday, but Walker immediately came by, still dressed in a tie-dyed apron and a headband. “How is she?”

There was silence, but I didn’t mind. I could barely make out hushed whispers, and finally Walker said, “Okay. But hold back on the ass whipping. I want a turn talking to him.”

“Yeah,” Lucy called as her footsteps were quickly fading away. The front door’s slam announced she had left and I closed my eyes to pretend I was sleeping.

“Mary, do you need anything?” Walker’s hand barely touched my shoulder, but I didn’t reply. Just feeling him caused me to internally gag—the pictures flooded my mind, and I felt like they were speaking the truth. I must have been unfaithful to Burgess somehow and I just didn’t want to remember. But another voice in my head told me that it wasn’t. I would know, and it wasn’t fair. Burgess had jumped to the biggest conclusion. He didn’t listen to me. And that just made me angrier than I’ve ever been. I bit my lip as hard as I could, tasting blood but still causing bodily harm to myself.

Walker sat on the bed and lied down next to me. “Sometimes,” Walker quietly whispered, “Taking a break is a good thing.” He was quiet for a long time before continuing, “Mary, you have every right to feel this way. There are people who will be depressed all the time, even for shitty reasons. But… I…” He glowered, “I know that you’d have a good reason to feel this way. I’m here for you. You can tell me anything, and I’ll give you my hand.”

I sniffed, feeling his body heat against me. It was hot and uncomfortable, but at the same time it was better having someone beside me than just being alone. So I decided to not mistreat him. Despite it all, Walker was my friend. One of the only ones I had.

“Walker, did we ever have sex?”

Walker sat up suddenly, looking down at me wildly. “What kind of question is that?” Confusion was in his eyes, his lips curled as though he was very uncomfortable. “You’d know if we… did anything.”

“I know,” I glumly replied.

“Why?” Walker leaned over and pressed on, his face close enough to feel his breath. He smelled like peppermints, and I inhaled deeply. God, I missed Ben Burgess so much. I kept telling myself it was just a dream and I’d wake up from the nightmare any second.

“Burgess found pictures. Of us. Naked.”

Walker blinked, stiffening. “ You mean us together naked? How is that possible?” Walker paused, then quickly added, "Did we have one too many beers or something one night?" Even he began to sound doubtful and even more confused.

“I don’t know,” my eyes watered but I quickly blinked them away. “But there were so many of them, and they all looked real. I… I think… I don’t know what to think.”

“Burgess blamed the distraction on their affair and fired her. Told her to leave and never return to his sight. And then her death came around…”

I collapsed inside when Terra Slater’s words rung in my mind, reminding me how much of a fool I was. I didn’t even know if he had ever loved me. But I knew I had. I still did.

”It’s not going to last… So this is my Christmas gift to you, this warning…”

“I should have listened to her,” I whispered, biting my lip and brushing the hair away from my face. I sat up, a headache forming from my lack of bathing and activity. I was a mess, and because of some man. How pathetic could I possibly be?

“Who?”

“Terra. She told me this would happen—but I ignored it.”

“Take care of yourself. Because no matter how good or kindhearted or any other pauper bullshit you are, you cannot survive in our world if you let your emotions get in the way. It is clear you do not belong, so watch yourself. I don’t think your body could handle the stress…”

Walker silently wrapped his arms around me, hugging me and pressing his face against the back of my neck. “It’ll be okay. You’re strong enough.” Walker’s voice changed into a darker and angry whisper, “Don’t ever let him win. If you give up, he’s just going to think you can’t live without him. And I know you’re better than that. You deserve better than that.”

My lip trembled and I shut them tightly. “I’m a loser.”

Walker sat up quickly, freeing me from his spooning. “How can you say that? You’re nothing like a loser. You didn’t give up and throw away Burgess—he did that to you. He lost you. And to me that’s the saddest and stupidest thing anyone has ever done in the history of man. He’s probably beating his head at what he did.”

I sniffled, covering my head with my blanket. “No, I bet no one would miss me if I was gone.”

Walker did a frustrated facepalm, letting out a sigh that I assumed was surrender. But he quickly put his hand down, a new spark of confidence and inspiration striking through him. Without saying a word, he pulled the covers off of me roughly, then grunted as he picked me up.

“W-what are you doing?” I cried out as I felt myself being lifted off the ground. Walker was small, his thin body type not suited to carry me. It was obvious I was too heavy, his face was turning a bright red but he inhaled sharply and quickly carried me out of my room. “Walker! Stop!”

Walker kicked open the bathroom door gently, and finally put me down in front of the shower. “Clean yourself up, okay? You’ve got thirty minutes before I decide to bathe you myself. And believe me, I'll do it. I’m taking you out. You’re going to have the best night of your life, and I’ll be the best rebound you’ve ever had.”

“That’s not—Walker!” I protested. “That’s not fair to you.”

“Stop thinking about others and start thinking about yourself. I used you like the asshole that I am to get over Lucy. Now it’s my turn to return the favor. I’m taking you out to a perfect and romantic night on the town. Can I trust you now to be able to get yourself suitable for the outside world by then?” His eyes sparkled and he held my shoulders firmly.

Without any more desire to fight, I submissively nodded in shock. Walker was a giant bag of surprises, his mind like Pandora’s Box. Here we go.