What Can You Not Buy With Money?

“Mary,” Walker was quietly murmuring over me as he shook me gently to awaken me.

I let out a groan, and instantly regretted rolling over. My head felt as though I was in a compressor, my skull feeling cracked and fractured.

“I’ve got some coffee, Mary,” Walker lightly pressed the refrigerated bottle of Starbucks frappucino against the temple of my head. Feeling a little at ease by the cool sensation I opened my eyes but winced at the painful realization that anything my eyes viewed caused excruciating agony. I let out a groan again and quickly put a pillow over my head to block the light.

“And we’ve got plenty of water. And smoothies.”

I was thankful that Walker didn’t mention anything that involved eggs, meat, cheese, or anything that would have caused me to heave all over the room. But I still refused to budge out of my nest of warm blankets.

“And there’s aspirin in the kitchen.”

I sat up slowly, feeling like my forehead had been a snare drum the night before. “What… happened?”

Walker looked mildly surprised but just smiled. “Well, we got you intoxicated then took you to bed.”

I squinted my eyes as I tried to remember what exactly happened, and I knew it had something to do with Walker. After a moment of throbbing thinking, my eyes landed on his mouth and everything went into my memory like heroin in my veins.

“Oh, now I remember,” I muttered to myself then opened my eyes wider. “I’m sorry, Walker. I… I was a jerk last night.”

“Hey, drunk jerks are my specialty,” Walker raised his hands and smiled coyly. There was something that caused a spark in his eyes, but he turned away to give me privacy so I would change. “Get ready, we’re heading out in a few hours. Next stop, Houston!”

I felt a pang in my chest that wasn’t a result of the hangover. Instead, it was from the insecure thought that Walker had thought it was nothing. It was too soon after Burgess, but I wondered if Walker had wanted me as I did. But then I remembered the many times Walker had confided in me.

“I met someone.”

“Oh, it’s a secret. I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. I’m not ready for another heartbreak. She doesn’t even know.”

“You’re the most important person to me…”

Why hadn’t I seen it sooner? I touched my forehead as I tried to collect my thoughts. I was sure that he had feelings for me. But it was wrong of me to just leap onto him and take advantage of that.

As I showered and got dressed—still suffering the agony of the alcohol from yesterday—I told myself not to risk our friendship any longer. There were too many things that could go wrong, and plus I had my pride to worry about. I wouldn’t be able to respect myself if I just went to him as a means to lose interest in Burgess. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.

>

“What would happen if we broke down?” I morbidly asked as I looked out at the never ending desert. As far as the eye could see, there was sand and dirt. The occasional cactus or dried brush of vegetation was a sight for sore eyes, and the small highway had no other cars going through it.

“Then we’d get high on some shrooms,” Lucy called in the back. “I’ve got some goodies in case of something like that.”

“Lucy,” Walker called back warningly, “If I get pulled over and the cops search the car, I’m the one who's going to jail.”

“Hey, at least then you’ll get some action!” Lucy answered and roared in laughter as Vern giggled.

Walker raised an eyebrow but didn’t say another word.

“Lucy,” I turned to look at her, worried. “You wouldn’t really let Walker take the fall, would you?”

“Hell no. That’d be a shitty move.”

“Smile!” Vern came to the rescue and changed the subject, taking his camera out and blindly clicking on the flash button.

I was blinded by the light, and suddenly felt the van swerve. Walker must have been distracted heavily, because he began to barrel through the orange dust of the desert as he drove off the road. “Holy—!”

“Fuck!” Lucy cried out as the van lurched. As we all started jumping up and down in our seats I felt my hangover begin to increase in agony and I grunted as I shut my eyes tightly.

Walker stomped on the breaks, and after a few dying screams we all paused and stared as the heavy clouds of dust subsided.

“Vern, what the hell?!” Lucy smacked her boyfriend smartly on the back. She quickly opened the door on her side and quickly jumped out.

“I’m sorry,” he cried out as he still held his camera. “I—I just thought it’d be a good way of capturing the moment. You know?”

“You bastard!” Lucy cried out and threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. At first, I thought she was going to beat the living brains out of him. But instead she was all over him, kissing his cheeks and his face while cursing his name, God, and every profane thing that was ever created under the sun.

“Is everything okay?” I turned to Walker, who was checking his tires carefully.

“Yeah, I think…” Walker was gingerly touching one rear tire, rubbing his thumb against a small dent in the rubber. “But I think we should stay away from potholes and ditches until I get this tire replaced. Thank God I’ve got a spare if this one goes flat.”

Lucy went to the trunk door, opening it wildly as she dug through her cooler and pulled out a small Ziploc bag of small, golden brown mushrooms.

“Where’d… you get that?” I asked as my radar went wild.

“We’re in the middle of the desert… aren’t we?” Lucy unzipped it, the condensation on the plastic bag leaking out in the dry hot heat. “Why don’t we get a little… happy before we head back on the road?” She raised an eyebrow and moved her shoulders in a small gesture for us to join.

“Sorry, I’m not going to kill us all. I always crash when I DUI.”

“Always?” I turned to Walker with wide eyes.

“Well, I don’t mean to brag,” Walker shrugged as he got back in the driver’s seat of his car and honked the horn. I quickly joined him, patiently waiting for him to finish. “But I used to be a bit of a freak when I was in college. But I’m sick of getting my ass raped in jail.” I stared as he carefully drove back on the road, continuing down the empty highway. “Kidding,” Walker smiled at me, shaking his head. “There’s no need to be naïve, Mary.”

“Hey!” I snapped, feeling defensive as I folded my arms. “Quit being a buttface.”

In the back, I heard Lucy and Vern already sighing and letting out cries of ecstasy as they were hallucinating in the back. I turned to see them strung lazily, staring at their surroundings with an awed expression of euphoria on their faces and reflecting in their eyes.

“Don’t mind them,” Walker shook his head. “If you’re able to get high on life without a drug, that’s something to be proud of.” He turned and looked at me with a smile, his words targeted at me.

“What, you think I get high on life?” I raised an eyebrow and shook his head in disbelief.

“Hey, you enjoy your life. That’s all that matters. The only heart that beats in your chest will be your own. The only experiences you feel will be yours alone.” Walker quoted, then added, “My mother had that written down in her diary a few weeks before... yeah.” Walker looked saddened and quickly turned back to the road.

“Woah, hey there, Angel Man,” Lucy whispered as she waved at the back of Walker’s head. “You look mighty fine today. Like that pretty little man that makes my world go round. And you just sparkle, don’t you? You're like that pale bastard from that movie!”

Vern giggled as he looked at the ceiling happily.

I shook my head, smiling at how silly my friends were being. Just thinking that made the whole world change. When I called them my friends, it just added to the feeling that I was accepted. And a swell of compassion and pride filled me up. I was glad I knew these people. I felt I owed them a lot for just accepting me into the group.

But when you feel happiness shortly after a tragedy, it’s hard to revive any solace into your mind. I was feeling the effects of Ben back in my mind and body, and thinking about him brought enough hurt to imitate death. It was so hard to accept he was gone, but I chose to do so quickly. I didn’t want to be a downer, and it was all history. I’d never see him again. He’d just be a memory; hopefully, one that wouldn’t drown me in misery whenever it came up.

I turned to Walker, touching his shoulder kindly. Just feeling him there brought comfort to my battered heart.

“Yes?” He turned quickly to acknowledge my touch. “Need anything?”

I quickly pulled my hand back, forgetting what I was doing. “Uh—yeah. Do you have any… food in your cooler?”

“Sure, I’ve got plenty. Help yourself.”