What Can You Not Buy With Money?

“Hey there, Dog Meat,” Walker smiled sadly at the puppy as he opened his apartment door. He looked like he hadn’t bathed since he left the hospital. Grease drenched his normally shiny blonde hair, causing it to look almost brown. He looked sallow, due to sun deprivation. He was still in his pajamas.

“Walker, do you want to go to the park with us?” I held Dog Meat on a leash, while Lucy and Vern were holding a cooler and other supplies for a picnic. When they heard the news, they were all devastated. Everyone was. We all tried to make it worth while for Walker during this hard time, but he simply shrugged us off. We respected his need to be alone, but it had been too long since he did anything.

We were concerned, to put it lightly.

“Actually, I’m not really feeling up to it…” Walker was uncomfortable, his pale face depressed.

I cringed my eyebrows, worried for him. He hadn’t left his house in days. “Come on, you need to be out in the sun. It’ll do you some good.”

Walker looked at me sadly, but then he forced a smile. “Give me a few minutes, okay?”

A slight flicker of relief filled me and I decided that I’d make that day as comfortable and pleasant for Walker as possible.

Vern owned a Jeep, which he offered as the transportation vehicle to the park. While Lucy and Vern were in the front, Walker, Dog Meat, and I were in the back. It was the quietest car ride I’ve ever experienced.

And whenever things went awkward, I always knew Walker could be counted on to break the ice and relieve all tension. But already if felt like we lost him. He stared out the window glumly, his clear eyes brooding as he refused to say anything.

“So… who likes pork ribs?” Lucy turned around, her white teeth bared as she tried to smile. Starting conversation wasn’t her strong point. “Walker, I was wondering if you’d like to show off some of your skill today. We could really use your help.”

“No, I’m not feeling it.” Walker muttered, refusing to look any of us in the eye.

Lucy raised an eyebrow, surprise painted on her face. “You always want to make the food.”

Walker’s eyes snapped to Lucy. “I said I’m not feeling it.” There was a tightened growl in his tone.

Normally, Lucy would have backhanded anyone who spoke to her like that. But since he was Walker, and due to the circumstances, she merely glowered sadly. “Okay. Whatever you want, Walker.”

“I wanted to stay at home,” Walker continued his verbal assault, though keeping it under his breath so only I heard.

Dog Meat was huddled on my lap, licking my arm as a means to calm me down. I felt startled and nervous around Walker all of a sudden. And I was frustrated that I couldn’t do anything. He was never this angry before, or this miserable. What could I do?

We arrived at the park named Los Penasquitos Canyon Preserve. Rolling cliffs and deep ravines were our eye candy, while the dry foliage of the late Spring was bursting with sandy greens.

There were jogging trails, and Vern sighed happily as he parked the car. “Damn, the sun’s bright.”

“Come on,” I looked over at Walker, careful not to upset him. I put Dog Meat’s leash on and we all left the vehicle. The group assembled to a picnic bench nearby, where a grill greeted us.

Lucy threw enough charcoal onto the burner to reignite a dying star, while she looked with uncertainty at the supplies. Cooking wasn’t her forte. "Vern, could you help me out?"

"Sure," Vern jumped up and went to the burner. It seemed he, too, couldn't handle the tension around Walker.

I helped set up the table cloth and serve the drinks. Vern was handling the grill along with Lucy. Every now and again, we’d throw worried glances over at Walker, who’d kick at the grass by his feet or stare blankly at a tree. Whenever we’d look his way, he’d shoot us a stare that had us turn away. His green eyes were frustrated, showing that we were nothing more than annoyances. Never had he given us that look before. In a matter of a week he had changed.

“I’m going to take a walk,” Walker announced suddenly, standing up. He looked at all of us, daring us to challenge his desire.

“I’ll come with you,” I volunteered, looking at him as kindly as possible. “It’s dangerous to go off alone.”

“Like it matters,” Walker muttered. “No, I need time on my own. Excuse me.” He turned and walked down a trail, slowly shrinking from sight.

After a few silent minutes, Lucy hissed. “Damn it. Why the fuck did it have to be this way?”

Vern patted her shoulder, his demeanor sharing in the frustrated sadness.

“I don’t know what to do,” I buried my hands in my face, taking in slow and painful breaths. “It’s not fair.”

“I don’t know what to do either,” Lucy confessed as she sat down beside me. “But unlike me, you’re a good kid. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. But I’m stumped. And damn it." She rubbed her forehead as she continued a string of curses. "I can't lose him. Not Walker. If he dies, I think I'll just die too. He's done so much for me, I'd give my life for him in a heartbeat. But it won't work that way. Why does life take away the best people early? He’s always been there for everyone. I don’t think anyone’s ever been there for him. And I don’t know how to be ‘anyone’. You hear me?”

I looked at her, realizing she was right. Whenever anything horrible happened, it was Walker who came to pick up the pieces and cheer everyone up. He was the guy that everyone could rely upon. Why was it that the best people never lasted long on Earth? At that moment, if there was a God, I hated him. I truly did. How could he take away people so easily?

We somberly waited for Walker patiently, for more than an hour. Every now and again, we’d walk Dog Meat around to kill time. When he never returned, my paranoia and fear began to incinerate me. I couldn’t take being patient for his return. I jumped up. “I’ve got to find him.”

Lucy nodded, not surprised by my declaration. “You’re the one he needs right now, I’m sure of that.” She took Dog Meat’s leash from me. “Go for it.”

I nodded, and feeling a rush of adrenaline, I turned and ran toward the direction where Walker had disappeared.

“Walker!” I called out after having run a good four hundred meters. I was already out of breath, and looking around for him. The longer it took for me to search for him, the greater my fear grew. He had been out of character; depressed. I began to worry that he’d do something reckless—and wrong.

As I continued on, my eye caught something that caused my stomach to drop. Stuck in a tree, I saw one of Walker’s knives, his switch blade. I struggled to pull it free, but it was so deep into the bark of the tree I left it be. Why Walker assaulted that plant I could not comprehend. But it made me even more worried about him, and this transition from character. It was the switch blade that he always carried.

“Walker!” I called out desperately, running through the trees as I tried to see a curly haired blonde.

Eventually, I came to a clearing, and saw my friend staring off at the edge of a cliff. His back was to me, but I could tell by his body language and how he leaned forward that he was planning to jump. But what stopped him was the sound of my approach, and he slowly looked in my direction.

“No!” I screamed as I lurched forward, grabbing his arms and pulled with all my might so he’d be far away from absolute death. We both fell a few feet away, the grass cushioning our fall.

“Don’t stop me!” Walker snapped as he outstrengthed me by pulling himself free from my grip. He stepped back toward his previous spot, looking down at the ground that was hundreds of feet from us.

“Walker, please!” The corners of my eyes were moist as I grabbed his shoulders. I wrapped my arm around him and hugged him as tightly as I could. “Don’t do it.”

Walker looked down at me. “It’s my life. It’s going to end anyway. So what’s the point?”

Anger flashed through me, and I grabbed his face, slapping it smartly. “Listen to me, asshole. You fucking said you didn’t want to die that night in the hospital. You’re still alive now, aren’t you? And you’ve got time left, don’t you? You can still breathe, you can still walk, you can still talk. You have friends who care about you, and want to spend as much time left as possible with you. And all you do is fucking try to end what little life you have left? You’re the most selfish bastard I ever met!” I was screaming at him, feeling ashamed at how I was losing control over myself. I was slapping his chest angrily, and began to cry. “You don’t care about anyone but yourself, is that it? Do you think no one will miss you or mind if you just fucking leave?”

Walker looked at me with a furrowed eyebrow, amazed by my display of screaming and sobbing. “What do you want from me, Mary?”

“I want every second you have left. I told you I loved you, didn’t I?” I was calming down, but I still glared at him angrily. “Is it not enough to keep you here with me? You can’t just disappear and die like this, Walker. No one should ever die like that. You need to be happy. I want to make you happy.”

Walker’s lips trembled, and his eyes were moist with disbelief. “How…” He clenched his teeth, clearly abashed by this sudden display of weakness. He wiped at his eyes and looked away.

But I grabbed the cheek I had slapped, and pulled his head to face mine. My eyes scanned his pale complexion, and I felt it was best to just kiss him. And I pressed my mouth against his, as desperate and hungry for affection as he was.

And at first, he stiffened in my embrace, but after a few moments of eager caresses on his lips, he joined in and inhaled sharply as his hand went through my hair. He was a gentle kisser, his mouth as kind as he was.

I was still crying, but even still I clung onto him for dear life. I wasn’t going to let him go, not yet. Probably not ever.