I Swear I Love You

Brian’s POV

If Val hadn’t stayed with me last night, I’m pretty sure I’d have just stayed awake all night going over the things she had said to me. Thankfully though she didn’t let me do it; almost forcing me to go to sleep so that, in her words, I could do my job as a performer properly. She did have a point though; I couldn’t exactly let myself slip and then have the fans suffer for it.

As I had expected the others were pretty cold to me the next morning apart from Val, who dutifully became the peace-keeper between me and them, just to make sure nothing happened. The roadies were clueless about last night’s events so while the rest of the band, Jess and Val went off to get lunch after a last-minute check on the equipment in the venue I hung back stayed with them, playing on my guitar.

“So… what have you done?” Jason asked, glancing at me over the top of his sandwich.

I turned to him, trying to act dumb. Of course it wasn’t going to work, but what else was I to do? “What do you mean? I haven’t done anything.”

“Aw, come on,” he replied, accenting each word. “We can all tell there is something going on. The rest of the guys keep shooting daggers at you. Man, if looks could kill…” He laughed, taking a bite of his sandwich. “You would be so far under right now.”

“At this rate, I might just have to dig my own grave. Seems like an easier option than dragging on this shit.” I sighed, sliding my fingers across the strings to create a riff that sounded rather creepily close to a funeral dirge. It seemed pretty appropriate for my mood right now. “I’m pretty sure everyone hates me because of what I did.”

“And what was that?” Both he and his brother, Matt, seemed extremely interested in my answer.

“Basically talk shit about Jess,” I replied, the riff I was playing beginning to slow down further and take on darker tones. “She hadn’t even forgiven me for the last time, and then I go and fuck up again.”

“Well have you tried saying you’re sorry?” Matt asked.

“They won’t let me near her.”

“They?”

“The rest of the band.” The darker funeral march soon began to influence the usual riff of Seize the Day, making it sound more morbid and depressing to fit my mood. “Someone is always around to basically tell me to fuck off. She’s never alone for me to talk to her.”

The Berry brothers looked first at each other, than at me and grinned. “Leave it to us.”

--

After everyone had returned from lunch Matt and Jason employed the plan they had silently devised, which mainly involved in calling the band- which conveniently didn’t include me- back to the stage for a second sound check.

“What the hell? We just went through it like an hour ago!” That was pretty much the complaint from each of them as they grumbled their way back to the stage.

“Yeah, but we need to double check,” Jason said brightly, purposely stringing them along. There was really no need for another sound check, but it was there way of helping me out. Thank god for roadies.

“Well what about Gates? Why doesn’t he have to go through it again?”

“Because while you guys were fucking about with lunch,” he began, “and not getting us any mind, he was doing his. So his is done, and yours are not. Deal with it.” He turned round and secretly gave me the thumbs up to leave before turning around and directing the band. “Alright, we are going to go through this slowly…”

As Jason was busy keeping the others preoccupied with an over-elaborate sound check it left me free to go find Jess, who luckily enough, was in the first place I looked; the tour bus. She was perched on the couch, her concentration fixed entirely upon the laptop balanced on her knees. My presence wasn’t even noticed until I had pretty much approached her already, and even then she first called out the wrong name. “Jimmy?” Clearly she was expecting someone else. Then she saw me. “Oh.” She returned her gaze to the screen. “What do you want Brian?”

This was the one thing about Jess; even though you knew she absolutely hated your guts right now, she would never show it (or at least try her hardest not to), even to the person the anger was directed to. It was so weird. “Jess I… I just wanted to say something.”

“And that is?”

Taking a deep breath, I then continued. “I’m sorry.”

“You know I never want to hear apologies Brian,” she replied. Her voice was void of any emotion. “Save them for someone else; I don’t need them.”

“You don’t understand; you need this apology.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I broke a promise I made to you.”

She looked up at me. “You’ve broken a lot of things Brian, but I don’t remember hearing a promise from you.”

“Well this one was never said.” Cautiously I sat down, but kept a safe distance from her. “When we became friends, I promised that I would always be there for you. Last night, and well-” I coughed nervously. “-many nights before that on tour I haven’t been there for you. I swear now though-” I dared to edge a tiny bit closer. “-that I’ll be there. I promise.”

She sighed; reaching for the top of the lid and shutting her laptop closed. “Brian, I said last night that we weren’t friends anymore. You don’t have to promise me anything.”

“Well even though you said that, I’m still going to promise it,” I replied. “Even if you don’t want me as your friend I’ll… I’ll still see you as one, and protect you like one. I don’t want to lose you from my life again Jess; Australia was hard enough.”

“You seem to be trying hard enough to lose me,” she murmured, her gaze fixated upon her hands as she constantly joined them and broke them apart. “Why should I bother to let you in again this time? Why should I trust you?”

“I can’t answer that,” I said plainly. “I’ve just got to hope that you want to forgive me. Even if it’s years from now, if you can forgive me in the future, it’ll be something I can hope for.”

Jess laughed quietly. “You know what my mom always used to say?” She smiled softly. “She always said that I’ll just get walked over when I’m older, because I’m far too trusting in people. I’m starting to wonder if she’s right.”

My heart dropped. “Jess I promise, I won’t do anything bad aga”-

“Brian,” she interrupted. “My mom always thought of it as a bad thing, but I never did.” She reached over and gently touched my cheek, her warm touch silencing any reasons I had lined up as to why she should trust me again. “If you can’t trust in people, then you might as well not dream.” She sighed contentedly. “I’ll accept your promise, but not your apology. What’s past is past.”

“But Jess I-”

“It’s in the past,” she repeated. “You’ve been nothing but fantastic to me for nearly two decades now; I think I should let you off for some things. After all, you are a high-profile musician now, not just that trouble-making kid from Huntington Beach.”

I smiled. “I’ll be the death of you, you know.”

She closed the distance between us and rested her head against my shoulder, like we used to before I started messing everything up. “Well if it’s from you, I can’t mind too much. Better to sacrifice yourself for a friend than to die without reason.”

“Or better yet, to not die at all.”

“Or that,” she agreed. “Where are the others anyway?”

“Sound check.”

“How come you’re not there?”

“I didn’t need another one.”

“How come?” She asked. By now she had started to play with my fingers instead of her own, causing my smile to grow. However it did falter at the edges slightly as the cold metal of her wedding band brushed across my skin, reminding me that for now, she belonged to another person. At least, not her heart. That I still had a chance to take for myself. “I thought you all had gone through your sound checks this morning before lunch.”

“Matt and Jason decided to run them through the motions,” I replied. “Burn off some of their unneeded time.”

“So in other words, stall them so you could talk to me?” She laughed. “I’m glad.”

“You are?”

“Of course. Not just because of you mind though, they were starting to annoy me. Jimmy in particular.”

“Jimmy?” That was a surprise. “Why?”

She shrugged. “He’s decided to go into protective mode around me, and frankly, it’s quite annoying. I need some space you know, not a full entourage. I can look after myself.”

“Like I’ve heard that before,” I snorted.

Her eyes narrowed. “What do you mean by that?”

“Come on Jess, that’s exactly what you told me when you decided to climb up that big ass tree in my back yard.” Her cheeks flushed from embarrassment as her gaze dropped. “Would you like me to tell you what happened?” She mumbled no, but I decided to carry on anyway. “Well after you got about halfway up you managed to lose your footing and fell.”

“Well you caught me didn’t you?” She retorted. “I was perfectly fine.”

“Perfectly fine, yes, but so totally not able to look after yourself.”

“Well I’ve grown up since then,” she remarked, pushing off from the couch. I was about to ask where she was going when she decided to ask a question first. “Do you keep a guitar on the bus?”

“Yeah I do…” I answered slowly. “Why?”

“Where do you keep it?”

“It’s underneath the couch behind you.” She bent down and reached to get it, tugging the large case out from underneath it. “Why do you want it? I thought you can’t play?”

“I can’t,” she replied. Opening the case she pulled my guitar out carefully and turned and then placed it on my lap before sitting down beside me. “But you can. I want to hear you play.”

I frowned. “But you’ve been listening to me play throughout the whole tour. You know all our songs.”

“Then play me something different.”

“Like what?”

She smiled; looking at me expectantly. “The song you played me before I left for Australia.”

“That song?” Out of all the choices…

She nodded. “I love that song. I can’t play it for myself so the only times I can properly hear it is when you play it for me. It sounds so perfect when you do it.”

“I’m not exactly perfect Jess,” I chuckled.

“But you are to me.” I looked up at her- I hadn’t expected that. By the way she was looking at me now, I don’t know if she realised what she had said; what it could mean. “So are you going to play?”

“Why don’t we play it together?” Gently I eased her onto my lap and then rested my guitar across her knees, placing her hand on the neck and the pick in mine ready to strum as she steadied the other end. “You remember how to don’t you?”

“It’s been a long time; I don’t think I remember the chords.” She frowned. “Why don’t you just play it? You’re much better.”

“I think it sounds better when you help me,” I murmured. “Here, I’ll help.” Reaching up I curled my fingers over hers, feeling her hand relax as I effectively took control and pressed it to the strings. “Ready?”

She smiled. “Ready.”

Beginning with a soft intro making sure that the difference in sound was mainly due to my picking and not chord changes I then steered the notes into the song, accompanying it with the first few words. “When I see your smile, tears fall down my face.”

Jess’ head found my shoulder as we continued, my hand guiding hers across the strings. “I’ll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven.” Her eyes closed as I improvised a light solo into the song, reminiscent of what I usually played for Seize the Day but altered slightly to fit the gentler lyrics.

“You know, I’m going to dance with the person I love to this song,” Jess mused, her eyes flickering until she finally allowed them to slow. “That’s how I’ll know I love them.”

“You’ll love them because you’ll allow them to dance with you to this song?”

“Of course. I can’t dance with a person I don’t love.”

Soon the song was coming to a close, and as I sung the last line to the final flourished notes I couldn’t help but think how true these lyrics were. How strong I felt about them. I would be there for her through anything- even if it did mean I would fall to do it. I knew that now.

“I will stand up with you forever.”

Jess’ breathing had evened out and relaxed by the time I had finished; her hand already limp with dreaming as I gently eased the guitar off her and to the side. I considered slipping out from underneath her so she could sleep but decided against it- right now I didn’t want to lose the girl in my arms, even if it wasn’t in the kind of embrace I wanted.

Leaning my head back I sighed with content as I closed my eyes; right now, nothing could ruin this feeling.