I Swear I Love You

Brian’s POV

Matt nearly choked when I told him, similarly when I told Johnny and Zack. After everything that had happened we all had expected Marc to walk out on us, but it seemed that on the three days our drummer was off the face of the Earth he genuinely shared our concern, along with our relief when we said we had found him. I did leave out the marriage part though; I don’t think he would appreciate being walked out on for a quick spell down the aisle.

“Are you absolutely sure he said he got married?” Matt asked me for about the twentieth time since we got into a rental we had hired after touching down in Santa Ana. It was only about a ten mile drive to the hotel where Jimmy and Jess were but for some reason the trip seemed a lot longer after listening and answering to the same question over and over.

“Yes, I am absolutely sure,” I replied, my response getting slightly more irate with each time I had to repeat it.

“But are you like totally sure?”

“Yes, I am.”

“But are you really-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Matt, yes I am!” I yelled, my grip on the wheel tightening. It was wrong to shout at him since he was just asking a question but right now, if it at least got him to shut up even for a minute, it was worth it.

“Well I was just asking, no need to shout,” Matt mumbled, seeking out sympathy from Zack and Johnny who seemed surprised out my sudden outburst.

The rest of the short journey was spent in silence until I pulled up to the hotel, slamming the car door with probably more force than I should have. It wasn’t that I was angry, just that I was worried. Well, I knew Jimmy would be alright but it was Jess that was my main concern, especially when he said she had fainted. If something had happened in those three days…

“Hello, may I help you?” A female receptionist greeted us when we all trudged in, obviously forced into a routinely smile along with the universal greeting.

“I’m looking for a couple of my friends, they checked in at some point over the last few days,” I said, trying to force the anger from my tone. “I really need to find them, so if you could help in getting me the number of their room, I’ll be really grateful.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry sir, but I cannot give out room numbers of our clients. Hotel confidentiality.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake…”

After the car journey I wasn’t exactly in a very tolerant mood and this was just the icing on the cake. I couldn’t be bothered to press the issue so I just pulled out my phone and dialled Jess’ number. I didn’t bother with Jimmy’s since hers was the first time I got an answer, so I decided to stick with it.

“Hello?”

“Jimmy, do me a favour and look at your door number.”

“Oh… alright.” Without realising I began to drum my fingers on the reception desk, waiting for Jimmy’s answer. This repetitive sound began to annoy the receptionist but I didn’t stop. “It’s 36.”

“Thanks.” I didn’t bother saying goodbye as I hung up, turning back to the receptionist who had seemed to have lost her friendly smile between our last conversation and now. “Could you tell me where Room 36 is?”

Her reply was far from perky now, bordering on more icy tones. “Take the elevator to the third floor; it’ll be the third door on your left.”

Considering I was in a hurry to get to the room I left the pleasantries of goodbyes to the others, just focusing on ramming the button for the elevator until the doors finally opened, almost allowing it to shut on Matt because of my impatience.

“Look I’m sure they’re alright,” Matt said, obviously trying to reassure me even after I had snapped at him in the car. “We can get the marriage thing all sorted out, it’ll be no problem.”

“It’s not that I’m worried about,” I replied, beginning now to push repeatedly on the third floor button. “What the fuckis taking so long?”

The instant the doors opened I was on the move to their room, almost flattening Jimmy as I pushed him into the door to get past him to Jess’ side. I gently tried to shake her shoulders, receiving a few mumbles and feeble attempts to push me away in reply.

Well at least she’s responsive.

“Jess?” I tried to coax her into answering. “Jess if you can hear me, say something.”

I had to lean in to hear what she said next, but I couldn’t help chuckling at it. “Fuck off.”

“Good enough, but you’re going to have to answer some more questions for me, okay?”

She mumbled something I couldn’t make out but I just took it as a yes.

“When was the time you had your medicine?” I could hear the guys behind me beginning to question what I was doing but I paid no attention, giving Jess another gentle shake as I repeated my question. “Jess, this is really important, and I need you to answer for me. When was the last time you injected?”

“I don’t remember.”

That’s not what I wanted to hear. “Come on Jess, you must remember something.” She didn’t reply this time, instead just remaining silent, even when I gave her harder shakes. Even her attempts to push me away lost strength as I persisted and after the third or so time I decided it wasn’t worth waiting any longer. I picked her up in my arms before walking out of the room, the others quickly catching up just as I began pushing for the elevator.

“Hey Brian, what’s going on?” Jimmy asked just as the doors opened and we all piled inside. “What’s wrong with Jess? I thought she just fainted.”

“If she had just fainted she would have been up and about a few minutes after,” I replied through gritted teeth. Why was this elevator taking so long?! It would be fucking quicker if I took the stairs.

“Maybe she’s just really tired or something,” he offered. “She was talking to you earlier.”

“While that’s a good thing with normally fainting people it’s not the same with Jess,” I answered, ignoring the receptionist as she stood up to ask what was wrong, just more concerned in getting Jess out of here and checked over in the hospital. She’d hate me for it, but I knew it was the best thing to do. “Jess is diabetic; that’s why I asked her about her injections. If she doesn’t do them at certain times then she could die.” I laid her across the back seat before tossing the keys at Matt and got in beside her. “Hospital Matt, and quickly.”

--

Almost immediately upon entering the hospital a nurse quickly scurried up to us and began to examine Jess, her role on staff encountering these situations day after day meaning she was able to keep her emotions under control. Mine on the other hand, were quite the opposite.

“What’s the matter?” She instantly pressed her fingers against Jess’ wrist for signs of a pulse along with a quick assessment for breathing.

“My friend is a Type 1 diabetic and I think she might be hyperglycaemic,” I answered, following the nurse down the hall as she instructed me to follow and place Jess down on the bed once we reached an empty room. “I found her like this about half an hour ago.”

“Do you know when she last took her insulin?” She ushered me to the side as she worked, hooking Jess up to various monitors that began an orchestra of beeping I had hoped not to have to hear again.

“No, I don’t,” I replied, cursing myself mentally for letting her go that night. “I tried asking her but she didn’t know herself.”

“Any use of drugs or alcohol?”

“I don’t know.”

She sighed. “What’s her name?”

“Jessica Fawn.”

The nurse nodded and moved swiftly to Jess’ side, striking up an attempt to talk to her. “Jessica Fawn? Jessica if you can hear me, you’re in the hospital. Now I really need you to answer a few questions for me.” Her eyes flickered open briefly to look up at nurse, obviously taking quite a bit of effort by the looks of it as well. By the looks of it the nurse seemed quite relieved at her responses, but I could tell she wasn’t all clear yet. “Do you remember when you last took your insulin?”

“Earlier…”

“Jessica, I’m going to need you to be more specific for me, okay? Earlier when?”

Her forehead creased as she tried to remember. “Earlier… Thursday evening.”

“Thursday evening?” The nurse frowned. “Jessica, do you know what day it is?”

Her brow furrowed, rolling her head to the side to look at me, confused. “Friday morning?” Clearly she couldn’t even remember the conversation I had with her over the phone today; still believing it was Friday morning.

The nurse shook her head, her concern increasing with each wrong answer. “It is Monday afternoon. Have you not taken your insulin since then? Do you not remember?”

Her confusion deepened, her gaze returning to the nurse. “I…” Her hand shot to her mouth as she heaved, suddenly turning to hang her head over the other side and threw up on the floor. She let herself hang over the edge of the bed. “I feel sick.”

Clearly the nurse knew something was wrong since she pulled back, handing Jess a pan from underneath the bed in case she threw up again before turning to me. “I’m going to get a doctor to look her over as I think this may be more than a case of hyperglycaemia.”

She began to leave but I grabbed her arm, stopping her momentarily. “Is Jess going to be alright?”

“I think you are better off asking the doctor, so if you’ll excuse me…”

Unable to fit in another question as she hurried off I instead crept over to Jess’ side, sitting on the edge opposite to the one she was hanging her head off and rubbed her back. I didn’t say anything as she threw up again; knowing the torment her body was causing her. Right now I was beginning to wonder if she should have come back to see me at all.

“I’m sorry sir, but I am going to have to ask you to vacate the room while I examine the patient.” I knew that the person was talking to me but I didn’t react; instead persisting in my useless circles of Jess’ back, almost as if I expected it to make her discomfort go away. In the end it took Matt gently shaking my shoulder before I silently agreed and moved away, allowing him and the nurse from earlier to begin discussing various things concerning Jess in a language gifted only to the medical staff in the hospital.

I knew it was in no way my fault, but I couldn’t help but feel responsible for the way Jess was right now. We had grown up together, attended the same schools right from kindergarten to when we parted ways after high school- but it all seemed so meaningless when I looked back on it, comparing it to now.

God, what am I beginning to sound like? Fucking pessimistic shit…

Gentle hands pressed me onto the cold plastic of a chair while another pressed the warm liquid of coffee into my fingers, resorting to closing them around the cup since my mind was no longer desiring control. All it wanted was something to grasp upon, something that would let me know everything would be alright.

But I knew anything that did, would just be a lie.

I had frequented this room many times when Jess and I were just starting out in high school and over time, the cheery yellow colour the walls were swathed in just seemed to have the opposite effect from the ones the designers originally intended. They no longer reflected the joyful emotion to try and lift my spirits- no; instead they were the bittersweet reality of what life could have been like if I didn’t have to wait in this room in the first place. All that time waiting for someone to tell me why Jess was always taking days off school ill, or why she was exhausted whenever she managed to face the learning demons for a change in scenery from her bedroom.

“Brian… are you alright?”

Allowing my gaze to deviate from the soft, rippling surface of the brown substance in my hands I found Zack to be looking at me with concern, the same expression echoed by the rest of my band mates.

“How did you get here?” My reply seemed empty; the cocky peals I normally greeted fans with on and off stage vanishing in the unforgiving building I was in. Here, nothing demanded a faked laugh to get a scream; not the screams from the parents when their children lay comatose over a stupid car accident or the sobs from the lovers as they watch their partners slip away from their unplugged life support. Nothing here was funny. Nothing here was made-up like the names our fans screamed at us.

Everything was real.

“We used the rental and followed you up here,” he replied. “How is Jess?”

“I don’t know.” I laughed quietly to myself, letting my gaze drop again as thicker russet ripples jolted from the cup where my hands had shook. “I don’t even think the doctors know themselves.”

“I’m sure that’s not true Brian.”

“It took them six months to figure out she was diabetic; I’d wager it will take them three months after her death to figure out today’s problem.”

Right now I knew I was sounding like some pussy-shit Goth poetry whiner but I just couldn’t seem to help it. It seemed like the infectious rain cloud that guided their pens and razor blades had finally managed to cast its spell upon me.

“Family of Miss. Fawn?”

“I’m her friend.” I stood up immediately as the same doctor from before stood in the doorway, his expression grave. Immediately I thought the worse. “How is she?”

“We have moved her to the Intensive Care Unit as her condition was worse than a case of suspected hyperglycaemia; an emergency blood test confirmed that she is suffering from diabetic ketoacidosis.”

I had heard many terms relating to Jess’ diabetes before, but never had I come across this one. “What’s that?”

“Essentially her blood sugar is too high due to the lack of insulin in her blood which has caused the release of ketones. These cause blood acidity which leads to acidosis of the blood, and in Jess’ case, diabetic ketoacidosis.”

Nothing about what he said made any sense, but I took it all in anyway. “So she’s alright… right? I mean you can treat her for it… right?”

“Yes we can. It is good you brought her in while you did; any longer and she may have slipped into a diabetic coma. She is a very lucky girl.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Can I see her?”

He shook his head. “Right now we believe that visitations should be limited to immediate family members as she is in a bad way at the moment, I hope you can understand. Her consciousness levels vary from time to time and she is currently confused at the situation. I don’t want anything that might cause further problems.”

I opened my mouth to protest but soon thought better of it. “No… you’re right.” I fell back onto the chair, grateful for Matt’s hand on my shoulder even if it only provided the littlest of reassurance.

To my side, someone else tentatively echoed my question. “May I see her?”

The doctor glanced at Jimmy briefly along with the rest of us, suspecting a lie to surface from him. “Are you an immediate family member?”

“Well…” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a few papers, selecting one that was folded up and passed it to the doctor. “I’m her husband.”

The doctor initially frowned but on the production of a valid marriage certificate he couldn’t exactly refuse him, especially when he just said immediate family members could visit. He folded up the document and passed it back to Jimmy before moving to the doorway with a curt nod. “Follow me.”

I couldn’t help but hate him at that moment.

Once he passed Jimmy turned back and shot me a reassuring look before following the doctor out, presumably to visit Jess. “Don’t worry, I’ll find out about Jess.”

Even though he said not to worry I couldn’t help but do exactly the opposite. As soon as he was gone I placed my coffee aside and stormed out, only stopping when Zack caught up and grabbed my arm. “Where are you going?”

I pulled my arm free from his grip. “For a walk.”

“But don’t you want to find out if Jess is alright?”

“Well I’m not immediate family now am I?” I spat, seething as I turned away and started walking again. Zack kept up with my pace, jogging beside me. “I’ve known that girl since fucking kindergarten, yet that little shit gets to see her because of some marriage neither of them can even fucking remember having?” I stopped suddenly to look back at him, almost making him run into me in the process. “If you can tell me how that is even in the slightest bit fair then I will gladly go back with you into that shitty room and wait it out until the doctor seems to value all the years I have known her.” He didn’t answer, his gaze falling to the floor. “Well, are you going to answer me?”

“I can’t.”

“Figures.” I began walking away again, but this time he didn’t join me.

“I’m sure that Jess would’ve stayed.”

For a moment or two I paused; his words echoing in my head. However after those precious seconds passed I just shook my head and carried on, just determined to get out of this place and back into my ‘other’ life where my only concerns were making sure my hair was spiked up the right way before meeting the fans.