I Swear I Love You

Jess’ POV

“Don’t leave me!” Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I screamed out for Jimmy and Brian as they were slowly walking away, their backs turned. I ran after them only to have them shrug off my touch as my fingers reached for them, trying again and again to get either of them to turn and acknowledge I was there.

A wall quickly emerged from the distance and within a few steps was only a few more paces away; despite not being there around eight lengths back. An outline of a door jutted out from the wall once both Jimmy and Brian were close enough and the pair of them slipped through even though I screamed for them not to.

When I went to follow them through the door it slammed in my face, separating us forever.

--

Jolting upright to the echoes of the door shutting I looked around wildly; my eyes darting throughout the darkness for the two bodies that had created the fear in the first place. They were of course still where I had left them; Jimmy to my left, his lap now empty from where my head used to be and Brian to my right, with my legs resting across his. My awakening had not woken them from their peaceful slumber, still in the bliss that their dreams provided them. Despite knowing they were there though, I couldn’t fall back to sleep. It just felt so real- the despair coursing through my veins- I couldn’t shake that feeling. Even now, I couldn’t stop my silent tears from falling.

“It was only a dream Jess…” I murmured to myself, slowly manoeuvring my legs off of Brian’s lap to the floor without waking him up. My hands were clasped tightly together, but that couldn’t stop them from shaking. “Just a dream.”

I couldn’t still the tremors that gripped me so in the end I dislodged myself from the couch in between Jimmy and Brian, not wanting to wake them up just because I couldn’t sleep myself. They needed all the sleep they could get; especially when we were all cramped up on the couches on the roadies’ bus since we had accidentally broken the window on the band’s bus door in our games. Surprisingly Larry didn’t have a go at us; instead he just calmly told us to get our stuff of the bus and shove it on the roadies’ until the other bus- which Logan unwillingly had to drive back to Orlando- got repaired.

Treading carefully to the front so not to wake up Johnny and Val on the other sofa opposite as well as Jimmy and Brian behind me I crept up to the front of the bus, just to see who was taking the night shift for driving since Logan was obviously absent until the bus’ repair had been finished.

“Matt?”

His gaze briefly left the road in surprise; resulting in a minor swerve as he veered off slightly to the left. “Jess? What are you doing awake at this time?” Without turning from the road one of his muscled arms reached out and patted the seat to his right. “Have a seat.”

“Thanks.” Instead of sitting normally I crossed my legs upon the seat, resting my arms across my lap. “How come you are driving? I thought Blue or Snow would take the night shift.”

“I thought I’d give the roadies a break,” he replied.

“I wondered why you weren’t with Val when I got up,” I mused while I played with my fingers.

“We’re not stuck to each other you know,” he chuckled, flashing me a grin. “We are two separate people.”

“I know that.”

From the corner of my eye I noticed Matt’s lips downturn at the corners. “What’s the matter Jess?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“How come?”

I smiled wryly. “All my sheep managed to find another way around the fence so I couldn’t count them.”

“Right…” He said slowly. “I’m not even going to bother trying to figure out what you meant.”

“You weren’t meant to.”

“Am I ever meant to know what you mean?” He replied, his gaze unwavering from the blank road. “All you women are all the same- I’ll never understand you. You always act all funny but never say what’s bothering you; that or you’ll say it in a way that basically screams that you never wanted us to know in the first place.” He sighed. “You really should give us guys some credit sometimes. We’re better listeners than you think.”

“Sorry.”

He laughed. “That was no dig at you Jess; although my ears are open if you want to talk. It’s kind of quiet up here on the night shift.”

I smiled. “What would you like to talk about then Matt?”

“Anything you want to talk to me about.”

Even though he hadn’t exactly spelled it out word for word I could tell that he wanted me to talk to him about what was bothering me, despite knowing I had tried to avoid it earlier. It was sweet really; I know I had gotten to know the band quite well over the past few months but Matt really did feel like my big brother. Along with Val, I always felt like I had two older siblings looking after me. Being the oldest in my own family, it was a nice feeling to have- the feeling of protection.

Then again, I did get that around the others… namely Brian and Jimmy. I sighed.

“Thinking about something?” He asked, his fingers drumming across the wheel.

“Yeah.” My fingers began to knot together. “Nothing important though.”

“Oh?”

Another sigh escaped as I shook my head. “I was just thinking about how it feels like one big family on here.”

“But…?”

“But…” I trailed off, my gaze watching over my dancing fingers. “I don’t know. I get confused sometimes.”

“Over what?” When I didn’t answer, Matt took a guess of his own. “Is it to do with Rev and Gates?” I still didn’t reply, but he decided he was right even without my saying so. “It’s quite weird seeing those two act like that.”

I looked up. “What do you mean? Act like what?”

“Well… they’re happier for one,” he replied. “And drinking less. Normally you’d have to load that pair up with a shitload of beer before they’d act so carefree around anyone.” He laughed. “Val thinks it’s adorable; she’s trying to encourage it all she can.”

“I swear Val is always trying to stir things up…” I muttered under my breath. “I bet she’s just bored…”

“You know Jess, when it’s all quiet like this trying to talk to yourself quietly doesn’t really help,” Matt pointed out brightly.

I froze; a single nervous laugh escaping me. “You… you won’t tell her will you?” If there was one thing I knew about Matt’s girlfriend was that she wasn’t a person you should get on the bad side of. Luckily I hadn’t experience it yet, but the stories the guys had told me were enough to warn me off even attempting it.

He laughed at me again. “Is that fear I hear in you Jess?”

“Like you’re not a tiny bit scared of her,” I snorted. “You’re always flitting around her as if there is five feet of bubble wrap between you and her.”

“There is nothing worse than a woman scorned Jess,” he stated, “I was given that piece of information a long time ago and I’ll never forget it.”

“Let me guess, you did something to piss off Val?”

He smiled sheepishly. “Maybe.”

“In other words, you did,” I laughed. “What did you do?”

“Something I’ll never do again,” he answered. All of a sudden rain began to batter against the windscreen, causing Matt to turn on the bus wipers as he frowned up at the night sky. “What the hell…?” A moment later lightning ripped across the sky, breaking up the midnight clouds that composed the darkness. “Woah! Would you look at that?” He glanced over at me. “Hey Jess- you alright?”

“I’m fine,” I replied rigidly, my eyes squeezed shut with my hands clenched in my lap. While I could block out the lightning it didn’t do anything for the thunder; I flinched. Before the next could strike I got quickly to my feet. “I’m just going to the bathroom. Excuse me.”

Ignoring Matt’s protests I deserted the passenger seat and hurried quickly to the bathroom, almost stumbling into Snow’s bunk out back as another thunderbolt wreaked havoc overhead. My pace quickened as I cleared the last of the distance to the bathroom and shut myself inside, huddling into the corner between the sink and the bath. I curled my arms tighter around my knees as the thunder cracked again, burying my head into them.

“You’ve got nothing to be scared of Jess.” Someone’s arms slipped around me, pulling me into the comforting warmth of their embrace. “It’s alright.”

Without bothering to look at who exactly was in front of me I clung onto them for all I was worth, not even bothering to try and stop my tears from falling. I know being scared of thunder is completely irrational, but I couldn’t help it. Ever since I was little I had been like this… I couldn’t help it.

“Here; put these on.” Something slipped over my ears, blocking all noise off around me- including the thunder. My fingers reached up and felt the hard plastic of headphones covering my ears, essentially negating the cause of my fear.

Once I had calmed slightly from the comforting silence I glanced up at my protector, unsure of what I even spoke to them since I couldn’t hear my own voice. “Why are you here?”

Jimmy smiled; reaching out into his back pocket and pulling out a small notepad and pen. He scribbled something onto it before holding it out for me to see.

The thunder woke me up.

“But how did you know I’d be here?”

He scribbled again. You don’t like thunderstorms.

“How did you know?”

I hadn’t ever told him… not even Brian knew.

You always become anxious when it starts to rain; that’s why you are more likely to get irritated because you think a storm might start.He flipped the page over, exposing what he had added on the other side. Plus you told me when you stayed at mine… I think you were a bit gone from the hypo before.

So much for me thinking he was being sweet.

“Do you think I’m just being stupid?”

He shook his head and wrote again. It’s alright to be scared sometimes.

Placing the notepad aside he drew me once again to his chest, resting his back against the glass door of the shower. He spoke then, but of course with the headphones over my ears I could only see his lips move from the corner of my eye.

I edged one side of the plastic momentarily from my ear. “I couldn’t hear you.”

He just smiled, resting his hand over mine and pushing the plastic back, shutting out all noise once again. As one last reply he grabbed the pen by my feet and scribbled something along the length of my arm;

I’ll always be by your side even if you don’t hear my footsteps. His left hand dropped to rest over mine, the cold metal of our wedding bands revelling in the close proximity. Let me be your ears; I’ll keep you safe from what scares you.

“You know, no one speaks like that anymore.”

I felt Jimmy’s chest shake lightly from his silent laughter as he reached over once more for the pen, writing upon the opposite arm to his last message.

But I’m not speaking, now am I?