I Swear I Love You

Brian’s POV

A couple of days after Jess was first admitted she was pretty much fully recovered from the scare, sitting up and chatting freely to all of us.

Well, nearly all of us.

Even if I was in the room with her she wouldn’t breathe one word to me- she wouldn’t even allow her gaze to flicker to mine if she could help it. For the most part I didn’t try to do anything about it, just sitting quietly in the corner while she happily talked to the others, not showing that she wanted to even say one word to me in the slightest.

I let this go on until the doctor’s finally said she could leave after refilling her supply of insulin, deciding to hang around in her room while the others left as she was just signing the final discharge papers.

“Jess?” She didn’t even turn to acknowledge I had called her name. Once she had passed back the papers and pen to the nurse waiting nearby I made my move and walked to her side. “Come on Jess, you can’t use the silent treatment on me forever. You tried that in 8th grade and it didn’t work, remember?” Still she ignored me, pretending to straighten out the bed covers despite the fact they had been already done. “Come on Jess… Please?”

She sighed from exasperation, turning to me with a look that claimed her energy. “What do you want me to say Brian? ‘It’s alright that you abandoned me?’”

“I don’t mind what you say, as long as it is something,” I replied, trying vainly to look at her again as she turned away. “Look I’m sorry!”

“It’s a bit late for sorry Brian,” she said, shoving the various medications given to her into a small bag on the bed.

“Well how about I make it up to you then?” I was willing to try anything at this moment. “Why don’t you stay at my place; saves you from booking into a hotel.”

“Jimmy offered to let me stay at his.”

“Jimmy?”

Something in my voice must have set her off since she quickly rounded on me. “Why, is that a problem?”

“No…” I mumbled. “I just didn’t think you’d be doing the whole husband/wife thing, that’s all…”

“Oh geez, are you all hung up about that?” She tossed her hair in annoyance as she breezed past me, almost knocking Jimmy to the side as she stormed out.

I almost did the same as I ran out after her, shouting a quick apology over my shoulder before I caught up to her, grabbing her arm. “Oh Jess don’t be like this!”

“Don’t be like what?” She demanded, her anger flaring as I got a full on glare. “Don’t be grateful for the fact someone has offered to give me a place to stay, while I get things sorted out? Don’t be thankful that I won’t have to quickly rush out to a load of hotels to try and figure out where I can stay?” Her voice grew louder with each statement. “Or maybe instead of all that I should be angry; angry for the fact that a person who used to be my best friend ran out and left me in a hospital room when I really needed him the most!”

“Jess… I…”

“Look Brian,” she said, her voice suddenly returning to normal. “I don’t want an apology. I’m not angry with you.”

“You’re not?”

“No I’m not.” When her gaze softened I couldn’t but wish she was just still mad at me. “I just wish I could know why you ran away. You always used to be there when I needed you but that time you weren’t.” As she blinked a single tear escaped her eye and began to slide down her cheek, soon chased away by her hand as she brought it to her face with a laugh of disbelief. “And now I’m crying!” She dropped her hand, bringing her eyes back to mine. This time they were filled with sorrow. “I was so scared Brian.”

I didn’t know what to say. “The doctors… I asked but they said I couldn’t visit you. Only family.”

“I understand that Brian but…” She paused, shaking her head. “Later that day they let the others in, so why weren’t you with them? I was looking for the only familiar face I knew, and it wasn’t there.”

Jimmy walked up at that moment, holding her bag which she must have forgotten from the hospital bed. “Hey Jess… are you ready to go?”

She looked to Jimmy and nodded before beginning to walk away. “Yeah… let’s go.”

It was bad enough that Jimmy and I were on ice but adding Jess to the mix? I was beginning to wonder how many other things were going to go wrong as I watched them walk away.

--

“So what happened?” Zack asked, glancing up at me as I passed him a beer before slumping on the recliner opposite him and taking a swig from my own.

“Not much,” I sighed. “I’m beginning to think I should have stayed with the silent treatment.”

“That bad, huh?” Zacky commented as he brought the bottle to his lips and took a few sips. “What did she say then?”

“Well she got angry at first- I was expecting that- but then she got really sad, she even cried a little. She said that she couldn’t understand why I did what I did. That she was scared when she woke up to a load of strangers and I wasn’t there.”

“Well why weren’t you?”

I paused. “I honestly don’t know why. Initially I was just going for a walk while Jimmy went to see her but for some reason I didn’t turn back. I just kept going.”

“See that’s what I don’t understand,” Zack said. “Those three days that Jess and Jim were gone- I’ve never seen you so worried in all the years I’ve known you. Sometimes I thought I would have to knock you out in order to force you to get some sleep since you just didn’t seem to want to stop looking for them. Where did that spirit go? What changed?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Jimmy and Jess’ surprise marriage?”

His suggestion almost made me choke on my beer. “What?”

“Well it’s the only thing that has changed since then and now. Maybe you’re a bit jealous.”

“Jealous?!”

“Just a thought.”

“It’s a stupid thought, that’s what that is,” I replied. “Why the hell would I care about that? It’s just a piece of paper.”

“You just keep telling yourself that,” he said. His phone ringing stopped him before he could say anything else. “Hello?”

“Hey Zack, its Matt.”

“Oh hey.” He mouthed ‘Matt’ to me when I asked who was calling. “What do you want?”

“Well since Jess is out today I thought we should go out for dinner or something. Val says she wants to meet her.”

“She does? Why?”

“I don’t know you’ll have to ask her yourself. So you up to it?”

“Yeah, sounds good. What’s the plan then?”

“Jess suggested Cosmo if you’re alright with that. I didn’t want to choose something then find it would mess with her diabetes, if you know what I mean?”

“Doesn’t matter, Cosmo’s steaks are the best! Damn I’m glad that girl can choose the right restaurant.”

He chuckled. “I was secretly hoping for a good one. Can’t get any better than Cosmo, eh? I’m already drooling at the thought of one of their steaks…”

Zack laughed. “Shut up or you’ll make me hungry!”

“Sorry. You’ll pass on the message to Gates won’t you?”

“Yeah, he’s with me now. So when are we meeting?”

“We’re all going to meet at Rev’s around 7pm and all walk down together.”

“Alright, see you then.”

“We’re going out to eat then?” I asked, watching as he glanced down at the time on his cell before putting it away.

“Eating at Cosmo, Jess picked it out. Lucky it’s your favourite restaurant eh? Could’ve been anything.”

I smiled to myself. “Could have been.”

Except I knew Jess, and I knew the reason why she chose Cosmo was exactly because it was my favourite restaurant.

--

“So you are the girl that was behind the ‘Missing Drummer’ case!” Val exclaimed as she walked in with Matt in hand, deserting her partner in order to hug Jess who was sitting on the couch between Jimmy and Zack. “I’m not surprised though.”

“Not surprised?” Jess asked. She looked thoroughly confused at the situation.

“Well no,” Val said matter-of-factly, “you are a very gorgeous looking girl.”

Beside her Matt stood open-mouthed at her while Johnny sniggered. “That’s hot.”

“Unless I’ve been looking at my boyfriend wrongly as Matt instead of the right way as Marcia I do believe I am not a lesbian,” she commented, walking over to the couch and seating herself on him, leaning back and crushing him into the chair. She pretended to look around for noises when he started to complain. “Oh, do you hear something?” She jumped to her feet with a light giggle when Johnny tickled her in the sides to get her up. “Oh Johnny! Sorry dear you are so small that sometimes I just seem to forget you are here!”

“Watch it with the short jokes Val,” Johnny warned. “Remember our agreement. No short jokes or I start up with-”

She sighed, cutting him off. “Fine; I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

Most of us knew the basic gist of their agreement, but Jess didn’t, and asked accordingly. “You have an agreement?”

“Basically as long as I don’t make any jokes about his-” She pointed at Johnny at this point. “-height he won’t tell any of the stories he knows about me to the guys.”

“He knows stuff about you?”

Johnny grinned. “Oh yeah. I know a lot.”

Val shook her head. “And it will stay only you knowing thank you.” She returned to Matt’s side and curled her arms around one of his. “So since everybody is here, shall we get going? I’m getting hungry.”

Beside her, Matt’s stomach let out a large growl, causing everybody to laugh. She patted his stomach fondly. “And I think Mr. Tummy is starving.”

--

“Jess, I have to tell you, any girl who chooses Cosmo is in my good graces for life,” Matt said, patting his steak-ridden stomach happily. “They do the best steak here. Shame you went with a salad though.”

“I’m kind of vegetarian,” she chuckled.

He looked at me oddly. “Kind of?”

“Well I do eat meat from time to time, but I find it easier to stick to a vegetarian diet,” she explained. “Makes it easier for me to estimate my rises and falls in blood sugar. Plus Cosmo makes great salads.”

“But you didn’t even eat all of it,” Matt said, pointing to her still half-full plate. “You’re only a tiny thing- you should get some meat into you. Although that didn’t really seem to work for Johnny…”

The bassist looked up then, his mouth full with chewed steak muffling his words. “What wazzat?”

Matt just grinned, knowing not to get in trouble with the ‘little’ man. “Nothing dude.”

Meanwhile sensing an opportunity Jess reached over and snatched the small cube of steak Jimmy was just about to put in his mouth and put it in hers instead, shooting him a smile in response to his annoyed scowl. “Happy Matt?”

“Well kinda, but I don’t think Rev is.”

Despite having around a quarter of his steak left Jimmy looked to be mourning his lost cube, resorting in Jess to roll her eyes and tut at him. “If you are that sad about a small cube of steak feel free to have some of my salad.”

He took one look at the leafy pyramid and shook his head. “I’ll pass thanks.”

She shrugged. “Can’t say I didn’t warn you. Do you think you could pass me my bag though?”

Matt stopped her just as she started to rummage through it, obviously assuming she was reaching for her purse in order to contribute to the bill. “Hey Jess, no need to pay. This is my treat.”

“Well I wasn’t planning on bringing out the purse until later but that’s very kind of you,” she replied, pulling out a long tube which he then eyed suspiciously. “Don’t worry Matt; it’s just my insulin pen. Sorry guys, but I need to do it. If you want to look away, then I don’t mind.”

None of them did but it was over in under a minute anyway, and it was nothing I hadn’t seen before. She just quickly pierced her skin with the small needle on the edge of the pen and pushed on the plunger for a few seconds before removing it. A small grimace was the only indicator she had done anything before she replaced the pen into her bag and that back onto the floor.

Johnny’s eyes just kept darting from her arm where she had pressed the pen to her face, for some reason shocked at how brief it was and the fact she had just pushed a needle into her own skin. “Does that hurt?”

“Not really,” she replied, shrugging it off. “There’s a slight sting from the actual insulin but that’s all.”

“Do you not get annoyed having to do it all the time though?”

She smiled sadly. “Unfortunately I can get annoyed at it and I can wish things are different, but they never will be. I learned a long time ago it was better to just accept it then dwell on the little things.”

When she got up from the table Johnny instantly looked guilty, jumping up with her. “Sorry if I said anything bad Jess! You don’t need to leave or anything! I’m really sorry!”

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” she chuckled, tucking the chair back underneath the table. “I just need to go for a short walk, that’s all. Helps to lower my blood sugar.”

He slowly lowered himself back into his chair. “I thought that’s what you took insulin for?”

“Sometimes my body just needs a helping hand,” she replied. “I’ll only be about ten minutes, feel free to order dessert when you’re ready. I’ll have the Fruit Cocktail.”

As she got ready to leave I stood up and pushed my chair under as well, glancing up at her when she looked to me. “Mind if I join you?”

She shrugged. “I don’t mind having a bit of company.”

We left the others at the table and took a steady walk around the block, silent other than the sounds of our footsteps. A couple of minutes into the walk I noticed she was shivering so I took off my jacket and draped it around her shoulders, knowing that she was grateful for it even if she didn’t say it out loud.

The walk only took about ten minutes so we were quickly reaching the restaurant with each step, knowing that if I was going to solve this thing with Jess, I needed to do it before we went back inside.

Even though I was only in a t-shirt and fucking freezing my ass off.

“Hey Jess?” She stopped and turned back to me, her hands still clutching at the jacket draped around her shoulders. “I know you don’t want to hear an apology, but I still think I owe you one for the way I acted before.”

“I don’t need to hear it Brian,” she replied with a shake of her head. “You of all people should know that. I will forgive you no matter what you do; life is too short to hold a grudge.”

“I’d take a grudge any day over than that look in your eyes.”

Her head cocked to one side. “What look?”

“That look of disappointment you show me every time you have to look at me.”

Her gaze dropped. “I didn’t realise I was doing it. I’m sorry.”

At the sound of her apology I couldn’t help but laugh myself. “You say you don’t want to hear my apology, but you give me one instead? That’s some strange logic you have there Jess.”

“I’m sorry; it’s the only one I have.”

“And there it is again.” I closed the short gap between us and placed my hands over hers on her shoulders. “I want to tell you why I left that day.” I sighed. “When you told me you were scared, it made me realise that I was scared as well. I was sat there in that hospital not knowing how to help you. All the stuff I had learned about your diabetes in high school was gone in an instant- I couldn’t understand a word of the stuff the nurse and doctor were saying in your room. And when they finally said you were alright and I couldn’t see you, I guess I just kind of thought that I couldn’t help you at all, and that I was probably better off leaving you in their care.” I gazed down at her, speaking sincerely from my heart. “I’m really sorry you got scared.”

She didn’t say anything for a few moments, instead rolling onto her toes in order to press her lips against my cheek, smiling as she pulled away. “You saved my life back then Brian. You don’t need to be scared for me.” She wriggled one of her hands from underneath mine, raising it to cup my cheek. “I’m the one that does that.” She sighed. “You just need to let me be selfish sometimes.”

“Selfish?” I echoed.

She nodded. “I just always want you to be there whenever I wake up from something like that. You were always there during high school- I guess I got used to it.”

“Hey Jess?”

“Yes?”

I reached up to her hand and took it down, clutching it in one of my own. “I promise I’ll be there whenever you get scared. You don’t need to think you are selfish any more; I’ve promised to it.”

She looked up at me and smiled; the expression of disappointment melting away into trust. “You promise?”

I gave her a smile of my own. “I promise.”