If You're Broken

I see them as I walk one day. I think it’s a Wednesday, but I’m not exactly sure. The sight of them takes me back to a place that I don’t really want to be. A time, a place of sadness. Of loneliness. Of screams. Screaming to be heard above the noise, above the silence. Slipping away into the dark, not being able to spread metaphorical wings to
Fly
Away.

Silent tributaries flow downwards, toward the floor, where they meet a mighty river of tears that have fallen before them. I cower in the corner of the room, hiding from the truth of what I’ve done. It’s wrong, I know, to just sit here, to wait. But what else can I do? I’ve called the only one who could help me now. They are gone. Of course; because of what I’ve done, they are gone. My lonely heart shudders, dying, turning from red to grey to sickly green. It won’t turn black, not yet. That would be too easy, too fast. It’s cold here. I want to move out of the shadow, into the middle of the room, where it’s warmer. Or, at the very least, lighter. But if I’m in the light, they can see what I’ve done. There’ll be no covering the proof.

The trees are in my line of sight, there’s no turning from them.
But I just
can’t
look
away.
So I close my eyes. But the trees, one leaning against the other, are burned into my retinas, the minuscule flaps of skin that are hurting
and burning
my brain.
The memories? They’re coming back. Shaking my head won’t help do anything but make
me
dizzy.
So I stop, and let the rush come.

A rush of sound fills my senses, blocking out any of my thoughts. But then, in a single moment, it all stops. Time stops. Nothing but my breathing remains. I’m back here, alone, legs cramping from sitting for far too long. This seemingly eternal silence hovers, deafening. My ears, filled with cotton I can’t
pull
out.
Then comes a scream. An ear-splitting,
Blood-curdling,
Eye-clamping,
Tongue-biting
S C R E A M.
Then it’s gone, and the silence is worse than ever. I’m shaking so hard I am practically convulsing. I shake my head, slowly, then again, not-so slowly; before I know it I am rocking back and forth, shaking my head overandoverandoveragain. I can’t stop, but I’m so dizzy,
dizzy,
dizzy.
The silent tributaries grow stronger, into streams. Their salty bite stinging my lips, nipping at my tongue. Even if there was light enough to see, I wouldn’t be able to make out a single shape through the blur that is my vision. I curl into a ball, try to make it go away.
All of it.

All these inner demons that I’ve tried to hide away come flooding back to me with a force so strong I fall to my knees. Bruised and broken once again. Since then I have imprisoned myself in my own falsities and lies. I’ve been trying to hide this for as long as I can remember. But it’s just
not
working.
Not anymore.
So here I stand, kneel, pray, that whatever I do next is good enough to make myself forget the things I’ve done. The wind blows so hard that I’m knocked sideways. I lay my head on the
dry
sandy
ground
and watch as the tall tree sways in the breeze. The dependent one doesn’t move.

Broken, ashamed, alone in my pain. The subject of all the songs and stories and TV shows. Here I am, come and get me. Have the media eat up my story, send me to a shrink, a people’s zoo. So I can be ogled at and laughed at and pitied. So I can be shamed into admitting that what I have done is wrong. So that then I can finally
grow
my
wings
and
F
L
Y
away.
Someone please find me, so I can set myself free. Let me go, because if I am here, I am breaking,
falling,
losing,
c o n t r o l.
And that is what I just. Can’t. Stand.

Those secrets, the lies that trapped me have torn me apart. Ripped me to shreds, saved nothing for the scavengers, the hyenas, the vultures. Nothing left but a shell of a girl. Trying to destroy me? It already has. No need to ask for permission for what is already yours. So keep on
Shredding
And
Tearing
At me with your
razor
sharp
claws.
There’s nothing I can do about it
anyway.

I’m never good enough. Never good enough for me.
So now there is
really,
truly
nothing I can say.