Status: Discontinued
You Only Get One Shot Do Not Miss Your Chance to Blow
Fifteen
I was adjusting to my life in Vegas surprisingly very well. I’m not the kind of person who likes change. I like to have specific directions, create patterns and follow routines. For example my morning routine, if I change it or go out of order than what I usually do I feel like I’m missing something or forgot to do something.
So I’m surprised that after all my years up in Minnesota, with my specific habits that I was doing fine in Vegas. Everything was going great. Of course, the weather was pretty hot, which was way different than the constant drastic changes in Minnesota’s climate from below zero temps in the winter to reaching 100 in July. I haven’t yet decided if that was a good thing or bad thing.
Even though I like repetition, I am very spontaneous person. I know that’s probably confusing, but I loose my focus easily and I’m hyper a lot of the times. No one back home was really like me, besides my friends, but now that I’m here in Vegas I feel like I fit right in. No one asks questions here, I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do without worrying about what someone will think.
I broke the stereotype, I’m not labeled and I’m not marked with nametag that says I am a certain person. In high school I was never popular, I didn’t have a lot of friends to go to parties with or go to a movie with or even just a have a sleepover with. On the other hand, I wasn’t a geek, or a ‘nerd’. I was just me. I was afraid of commitment and didn’t trust people. I only trusted my two closest friends; Hayley and Kevin. I watched friends come and go, cause drama and cry with me in apologies, but no matter what they did I knew they wouldn’t last so I didn’t put too much time into them because just as I suspected, right after high school I didn’t talk to them and I was even rejected by those people I thought to be my ‘friends’
Several months after our class had graduated, as I walked to the store I saw Sydney. Sydney was actually one of the better friends I had, not that we had really ever spent a lot of time together, but we hung out once in a while and had classes together during my four year high school career. As I made my way up to the doors of the store, I turned and waved at her. Sydney looked directly at me, cocked her head to the side slightly and raised her eyebrow. She gave me the ‘who-are-you-and-why-are-you-talking-to-me’ look. She knew exactly who I was and turned her back to me and walked away. I know I’ll never see her again and after that experience, I never want to.
You know, it’s very embarrassing to wave at someone and they not acknowledge you back. It’s uncomfortable and upsetting.
And that is EXACTLY what I feel like when I think of Minnesota. It doesn’t matter that that’s the place I grew up, it doesn’t matter that it’s the place that holds all my memories, it still doesn’t fell right to call it my home, even though it clearly is my home. Vegas is my home now, and it just feels right to say ‘I live in Vegas.’
---
My alarm went off at 5:30 just like does everyday. I hated mornings.
"Lady Madonna, children at your feet
Wonder how you manage to make ends meet
Who find the money when you pay the rent
Did you think that money was heaven sent
Friday night arrives without a suitcase
Sunday morning creeping like a nun
Monday's child has learned to tie his bootlegs
See how they run"
My iHome was going off, Hayley got tired of me not waking up from the tiny voices of the radio, so she got me an iHome so I could wake up to my iPod. I hit snooze and fell back into five more short minutes of slumber.
I heard a soft click and my alarm turned back on after my ‘snooze’.
"Lady Madonna, baby at your breast
Wonders how you manage to feed the rest
Pa pa pa pa...
See how they run
Lady Madonna lying on the bed
Listen to the music playing in your head"
I threw back the covers and lay still in my bed letting the cooler air around me, hit my body. I decided to lie in my bed until the song was over.
"Tuesday afternoon is never ending
Wednesday morning papers didn't come
Thursday night you stocking needed mending
See how they run
Lady Madonna, children at your feet
Wonder how you manage to make ends meet"
By the end of the song I was humming along a bit. The Beatles could always get me into a better mood. I swung my feet over the side of the bed and sat up. I looked around my clean room and saw that the only thing out of place was my running shoes. I never have had a place my running shoes. I always put them wherever they may, when I was living with my mom I took my anger out by running. I would run for miles, minutes turned into half hours and half hours turned into hours.
It difficult to talk about what running did to me. One side of me would say it was good for me; I got rid of my anger in a good and ‘healthy’ way instead of cutting, bulimia or violence. But the other side of me knew I had a problem, I would run for hours and that’s definitely not good. I lost a lot of weight and even though running is healthy, it’s only good for so much before it turns bad. I took it too far and became an even bigger wreck than before. I ignored the aching and tiredness and kept on keeping on. Finally Kevin, my only real friend in Minnesota, stepped in and called up Hayley down in South Carolina and they helped me regain my mentality back and slowly but surely I became healthy again.
Now when I run, I can proudly say I do it for enjoyment and relaxation. But once in a while I find myself pounding down the pavement in anger, but it’s only for a short time.
I slipped on a sports bra and a tank and put a pair of running shorts. I grabbed my shoes and put them next the door and made my way around the couch into the kitchen. I ripped a banana off the bunch and pulled myself up on the counter and started eating it. After I was about halfway through, I set it down. I would finish the rest after my run. I exited the kitchen through the archway and went down the hall to the bathroom to pull my hair up into a ponytail. I left the apartment quietly, as I did everything else, so I didn’t wake Hayley. As much as I despised the morning, I liked being one of the first ones up. Unlike Hayley, I didn’t like to waste my day sleeping because then I’d miss the best of the day.
I enjoyed running even more now that I was in a new a place, I could make different running routes up and not get bored of the same surroundings. Today I decided to not plan out a path to take, I would be spontaneous just how I liked. Usually I planned out a route to take while I ran so I could do it in a certain amount of time so I fit my workout schedule, but once in a while I like to break protocol.
I stopped my watch and 49.14.03. “Perfect,” I said to myself. I took in a deep breathe to try and control my breathing. The run was probably one of the best I’ve had in a while, it was early enough so the heat wasn’t bugging me, I traveled into a new street and saw some stores I wanted to explore and even though it was a fast pace run, it was very refreshing. I looked up from the street at the steps of the apartment building, to our apartment on the fourth level. I didn’t see any movement so I concluded that Hayley was still sleeping.
After I had showered I left my hair up twisted up into the towel and went to go make my bed and I grabbed my iHome and plugged it into the bathroom, since I woke up to the Beatles, I decided to listen to Abbey Road.
I finished drying my hair, styling my hair, and applying make-up and I was only through You Never Gave Me Your Money when I turned off my iPod and returned it to my room. I entered the kitchen again and grabbed the other half of my banana and poured cereal into a bowl with some milk and had my breakfast.
By 8:00 I was dressed and ready for the day so I decided to head to the store to get more milk since I finished the carton with my cereal. Instead of hailing a cab to bring me to store, I walked to a little convenient store I saw on my run earlier this morning.
It was already starting to warm up and I made a note to myself that I needed to put on a T-shirt instead a long sleeve.
On my 15 minute walk back to my apartment, I was still a little creeped out from the 16 or maybe 17 year old behind the counter who checked me out. And when I say check me out, I mean literally. I actually had to remind him to check out my milk instead of checking out me. After he handed me the receipt he wouldn’t stop flirting with me. I couldn’t help but laugh, not because he was charming, but because he had barley hit puberty and was three years younger than me; he hadn’t had his growth spurt which left his eyes right inline with my breasts and his hair was greasy which explained his acne filled face. I quickly signed the receipt and threw the pen at him, grabbed my bags and dashed out of the store, leaving the boy to attend to an old grumpy woman that was waiting behind me.
I chuckled in thought of my experience, if only Hayley was there, she probably would have thrown a smart ass comment at him. I could always count on Hayley for a laugh.
I saw a familiar car parked out on the street and when made it up to my apartment and I heard voices coming from the kitchen so I slid my flip flops off and went into the kitchen. When I entered, I saw Hayley sitting at the mini table with her head in her arms and Brendon sitting in the chair next to her talking up a storm. I smiled at the sight, Hayley was an even worse morning person than me. Like me, she had a very hard time getting up usually pressing the snooze button five times or more. Unlike me, once she was up she was a bitch for another two or three hours.
I guessed that Brendon had come over to talk to me and when he couldn’t find me he wondered into Hayley’s room and woke her up.
“Brendon! Shut the fuck up!” Hayley then noticed me and her eyes widened at me, and squinted them in anger. “What took you so long?!” Brendon cocked his head to the side and looked at her in confusion for a moment then turned his head to see who Hayley was talking to. Then his whole face brightened.
“Emmy!” He made his way over to me and hugged me tight.
I laughed, “Hey, Bren!” He stole a quick peck on the lips when Hayley wasn’t looking. It made me blush and he grabbed the bags from my hands and set them on the counter for me. I started putting the milk in the fridge and a couple of other things I had bought I put in the cupboards. We didn’t need much since we already went grocery shopping to fill up our new living quarters with food. I was surprised we still had food after a week of living here, Hayley can eat like a man. “So, Hayls I saw this really cute looking café while I was running today. I think we should go to lunch and try it out today.” All I got in response was a grumble from her.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” I replied sarcastically. Brendon’s face turned a little more serious and concerned. “You can come too, Bren. So can Ryan and Spencer, it’d be fun!”
“No, it’s okay, we have band practice today.”
“Then, why do you look so… worried?” I tried to guess why he had a problem with my and Hayley going to lunch.
“Emily, you run?”
“Yeah…?”
“Like, outside?”
“Yes.”
“On your own?”
“Yeah? What’s wrong with that?”
“Well, I don’t know, I mean, you shouldn’t be running here.”
I arched my eyebrow at him, “And why shouldn’t I be running, Mr. Urie?” He rolled is eyes at the name.
He simply stated, “It’s dangerous.” I gave him a weird look, signaling for him to go on. “There are a lot of creeps in Vegas and I don’t think it’s safe for you to be out wandering streets at five in the morning not knowing where you are going, Emmy. I mean, there’s probably drunks roving the streets on their home from bars and--”
“I know where I’m going Bren. On a run, and then back.” I crossed my arms and looked up at him.
“Yeah but--”
“No buts, if it makes you feel better, you can come with me tomorrow,” I offered innocently.
Brendon thought about this suggestion for a moment then agreed to it. After that, we sat and joked in the kitchen. Later, Brendon stood up saying they hadn’t had played together as band in a while and Ryan was going crazy. I walked him to the door and he whispered into my ear alluringly, “See you tomorrow, Emmy.” I blushed and he left. I shut the door, “Get a room already!” I rolled my eyes and laughed at Hayley in the kitchen. I made my way to my room and started a new book as Hayley got ready for the day.
---
The café we went to was… interesting, to say the least. After messing up our order for about the fourth time we just went with it. The food wasn’t that good, but the inside of the café was darling, which made up for the frustration. I’m not saying I would go there again, but I had a good time.
After lunch, Hayley and I went next door to a clothing store and browsed around awhile until Hayley found a really cute top. Hayley bought the blue flowing top for her date with Ryan tonight and we headed for home.
“You know, Brendon’s hot.” I was taken back and Hayley’s bold statement.
“Excuse me?” Hayley looked at me and smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
“Just saying.” I eyed her suspiciously.
“I know what you’re doing, you’re messing with me so I will admit something, aren’t you,” I asked suspiciously.
“Maybe… maybe not. I’m just saying,.” She sang and I kept eyeing her.
“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I asked skeptically.
She laughed and replied, “Yeah, but I just wanted to see your face when you said it. You were so offended!” She grabbed her stomach from laughing so hard and she started stumbling up the steps as we made our way back up to our apartment.
“Obviously, you think this is funny in some way… well it’s not,” I crossed my arms in annoyance. Hayley continued laughing.
She wiped a tear, “Yeah, it is! You- you were so def- defensive!” She continued laughing and I slipped off my shoes and went to my room and closed the door.
Hayley’s laughing stopped and I heard her feet pad over my door. “Aw, come on, Emily. I was just kidding around.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I replied as I stuck my nose in the book I was reading and got lost in the words on the page.
Hayley continued yelling through the door, “Well if it helps, I think you two would be cute together.”
I pretended not to hear her, but when I heard her feet pad into her room, I smiled to myself and remembered the ‘appointment’ Brendon and I planned for tomorrow.
I was really into the book I was reading and didn’t want to put it down but I heard Hayley moving around out in the living room so I went out to see what she was up to. If there was one thing Hayley and I understood about each other, it was that we needed personal space. We respected each other and knew that we couldn’t always do everything together and sometimes we needed alone time. But as always, I can’t stay away from her for long.
“Hey!”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Just coming out to see what you’re up to,” I replied and plopped myself down beside her on the couch. She was wearing her new top. It was a mix of navy, steel, royal and sky blue. Long different width stripes that varied in with and size wandered over her silk shirt. The neck plunged into a deep V and she wore a simple cami under it. I quick went to my room and went for my jewelry box and pulled out a thick gold bangle bracelet and put it on her. It was the bracelet my grandma gave me a couple days before she died.
The buzzer beeped and I went to answer it, “Yes?”
“Hey, it’s Ryan, is Hayley ready up there?” I smiled and looked at the clock, and saw that it was 6:00 on the dot.
“Yeah, she said she is coming.”
“K thanks, Em”
I turned to Hayley, “Wow, he is so classy! This is what, your fifth date and he’s still on time? Impressive.” I winked at her and she smiled, slipped on her black pumps and walked out the door.
“Bye Ems.”
“See ya.”
The rest of the evening I was bored, until later when I called up Brendon.
“Hello?”
“Hey Brenny!”
“Hey Emmy.”
“What’s wrong? You seem sad.”
“No, it’s just this new album, we are trying to write for it but nothing we do is that good and it’s just really frustrating.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Yeah, it’s very wearisome, our fans are looking for more and we haven’t really put together any upcoming tours, except a couple of festivals, and we can’t get this album started and hhhh!”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, I’m not good at giving band advice,” I joked, hoping to lift the mood.
I heard smile in his voice as he spoke, “Well, you could make us our new record. That would help.”
I laughed and replied sarcastically, “Wow that seems attainable!”
He chuckled on the other end and I could tell his mood was lightening, “So what’s up?!”
“Nothin’, just kind of bored. Hayley’s on a date with Ry, and they left me with nothing to do.” I sprawled out on the couch and flipped on the TV.
“Sounds great,” he replied sarcastically.
“Oh it really is,” I said cynically. I was flipping through the channels when something caught my eye. “Hey! You’re on TV!”
“What?”
“Yeah! You guys are so charismatic,” I said jokily and laughed.
“Hmm. So, you wanna take me up on that deal and write the record?” changing the subject.
“Very funny Brenny. No, but I will help you!”
“Yeah? You play?”
“Yep, piano and guitar.”
“I didn’t see your guitar when we were unpacking…”
“Yeah, my mom broke a while back so I haven’t really been able to play for a while, but sometimes I sneak into stores and play on their guitars there.”
“I can see you doing that,” he laughed. “Ohp, Ryan’s here. I have to go, we have to practice.”
“Okay, but wait, is Hayley wi--” Brendon hung up and I was left wondering where Hayley was.
An hour had passed and Hayley still wasn’t home. I called Hayley but realized she left her phone here so there was no use. I tried calling Ryan, and it went straight to voicemail, as did Spencer and Brendon. I started getting worried, so I decided that I would go over to Brendon’s place to see if Hayley was there.
As I made my way towards the step to go down to the lobby, I heard the elevator door ding and I turned to see Hayley step out.
“Oh my god, Hayley! Where the hell were you?!” I said stomping towards her.
“I-I uh, I don’t know?” She more than asked than said.
“Really. You don’t know? What. You got lost?” I was getting impatient.
“Well sort of, I mean not really, well--” My phone started ringing and I took it out, open and closed it and put it back in my pocket without even looking at it.
“Continue.”
“Well, as you know, I went on the date and we went out and had fun and all that crap, and then well,” she hesitated. “Ryan came back here to drop me off and we kissed and made out and all that shit. Then, I reached for the door handle to get out and looked down at my wrist and well, the bracelet was gone.” I looked at her confused, and she continued. “And so, I pretended to walk up to our room and when I saw he left, I got a cab and went back to all the places we were to look for it. And I know that bracelet means a lot to you, Ems I really do. And I couldn’t find it and-and I-I’ll make it up to you, Em I promise!”
“Hayls! Slow down, take a breath!” I reached out and embraced her in a hug. “That’s what you were doing? Finding a stupid bracelet that you lost?”
“Y-yeah.”
I smiled and shook my head at her, “Hayley, you are a piece of work. Do you know how worried I was about you? I was talking to Brendon and he said that Ryan came over, but you didn’t come home yet and he hung up and I couldn’t get a hold of any of them!”
“Oh, well they were probably practicing, you know, Ryan doesn’t like interruptions and he tells them- Wait. You were talking to Brendon?! Oo! What were you talking about? Were you having phone sex? Oo tell me!”
I rolled my eyes and we started walking back into the apartment together. The rest of the night we spent hanging out and leaving crazy ass voicemail messages for the boys.
---
"Brothers and sisters put this record down
Take my advice ('cause we are bad news)
We will leave you high and dry
It's not worth the hearing you'll lose
It's just past 8 and I'm feeling young and reckless
The ribbon on my wrist says, "Do not open before Christmas."
We're only liars, but we're the best (we're the best)
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only good cause you can have almost famous friends
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense
Brothers and sisters, yeah, put these words down
Into your notebook (spit lines like these)
We're friends when you're on your knees
Make them dance like we were shooting their feet
It's just past 8 and I'm feeling young and reckless
The ribbon on my wrist says, "Do not open before Christmas."
I heard Patrick’s voice flood through my ear, but I couldn’t pull myself out of bed, so the song grew louder the longer I let my eyes stay closed.
"We're only liars, but we're the best (we're the best)
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only good cause you can have almost famous friends
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense
We're only liars, but we're the best
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only liars, but we're the best
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only good cause you can have almost famous friends
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense"
I heard the song finish and I looked at my clock; 5:33. I didn’t want to get up so I pushed snooze through out the next song.
Once Cute Is What We Aim For started and stopped, then Billy Joel come on. I finally decided to get up. It was 5:40 and I headed to the bathroom to get ready for my run. It was a bit before 6:00 when I heard a knock on the door. My eyes widened, I totally had forgotten that I was running with Brendon today.
I quickly slipped on some running shorts and put on a sports bra quick and ran to the door to let Brendon in.
When I opened the door, I saw Brendon in his athletic clothes. It was different seeing him in something other than his semi-tight jeans and nice shirt. I smiled when I saw him, he always brought a smile to my face.
“Hey, Emmy.” He looked down at my body, in all the rush to answer the door, I had forgotten to put on a shirt. I blushed and closed the door and started towards my room to fetch a tank top.
Brendon cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his head, which was only what he did when he felt awkward or embarrassed.
We finally got out of the apartment by quarter to seven. Brendon suddenly had to eat, then he needed to rest because he claimed, ‘it’s not good to run right after you eat a meal, I’ll get sick.’
I finally realized that he was playing me, so I jumped him and dragged him out the door. We were in a fit of giggles, but I managed to get serious and start the watch. We had been running for a little less then ten minutes and Brendon was already huffing and puffing. We were at the park that was down the street and there were surprisingly a lot of people there.
I saw other joggers, dog walkers, older couples, and just regular people that were walking, resting, and playing. There were also venders set up in the parking area.
We both turned into the parking lot so we could get onto the path that winds through the entire park.
“How do you know where everything leads?” Brendon asked still out of breath.
“I don’t, I just kind of go with it I guess,” I said, slowing down my pace as well so Brendon didn’t fall behind.
“Hmm, that makes sense I guess,” he gasped for more air, “How much longer do we have?” he gasped for more air, trying to control his breathing.
“Just breathe when you need to, don’t try to control your breathing, it just makes it worse. And we still have another 20 minutes. But we can cut it shorter, if you need.” You would think because he is a jumping around on stage everyday, that he would be able to handle this a little better, but I guess not.
“Oo! Do you see what I see, Emmy?!” I looked at him and then followed his line of sight to where he was looking. I laid eyes on what Brendon’s eyes were gazing at. There was an old man, slightly over weight, with a white apron, scooping ice cream out of a cart and giving it to a teenager with a skateboard. Before I could say anything, Brendon made a beeline towards the ice cream cart. I exhaled in defeat and headed towards a bench to sit down and wait.
“So, you still run huh?” I jumped in surprise. I turned my head to see who was sitting at the other end of my bench.
How ironic, who would have ever guess it? The infamous, Jon Walker.
“Hey,” I squeaked out. We sat in silence for a while, neither of us knowing what to say. I wasn’t sure what to do either, so I looked over at Brendon and he was still waiting to get ice cream. I decided I needed to say something. I guess Jon was thinking the same thing because when I started to say something, so did Jon. We both chuckled a little under our breath and smiled at each other. It was sort of the awkward laugh when you don’t really know the person you are talking to but are trying to be nice. The silence returned.
“Um, about that thing,” Jon started, uneasily. “I mean, you know the thing in the--” I shook my head showing I knew what he was talking about. I don’t think I could forget that day back in the alley. It was a big day for me; I cried, I shook with fear, and yelled and screamed everything my heart was telling me, I’m sure I scared everyone around me with my outburst, but mostly I scared the shit out of me. Jon cleared his throat, “Well I’m sorry about that. I meant to tell you before I left for Chicago, but well, I didn’t really want to talk to you becuase I was sort of avoiding you.”
“Same,” I agreed with him and smiled, trying to lighten the mood.
Jon gave a fast smile and returned back to his regular face, “I just wanted to say that I was pretty much being a jackass, and I regret all the things I said to you, because it was very insensitive and I was pretty much irritated and just focused on me when I was saying that stuff to you.”
“Same here, I’m sorry for what I said also. I don’t ever flip out like I did that day. I just hold grudges, and I had been holding that grudge for like, ever.”
He nodded indicating he understood. I had a feeling he know exactly what I was saying, like he was going through the same thing.
“Lets go, Emmy!” Brendon came running up to me throwing the cup his ice cream was in, in the garbage. He grabbed my hand pulled me up beside him. “Oh hey, Jon!” Brendon turned on his heals and twisted to leave but stopped, “Jon?”
I started running taking Brendon’s hand and pulling him with me before he asked Jon anymore questions, “Bye Jon!” I yelled back and he winked at me, standing up heading the opposite direction we were running.
“Why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me Jon was here?” I asked, my mood totally changing after we had run a little bit. I can’t believe no one told me Jon was coming down to Las Vegas. I was mad especially because I was 98% sure that Hayley knew he was here too.
We finished the run and Brendon established that he thought Vegas was safe enough this time a morning and that he wouldn’t need to run with me anymore. I was pretty sure he said that because he didn’t want to get up and run every morning.
Brendon left me at the steps of the apartment, gave me a hug and left. The hug didn’t give me the blush it usually did, I was too distracted. Jon was here in Vegas and I just talked to him, like nothing really happened a month ago.
I entered the apartment deep in thought, and surprisingly Hayley was already up and was sitting at the dining table on her laptop. “Hey Ems! There is a picture of you, Brendon and Jon in the park! Wow, these fans are fast and dedicated.”
I didn’t even glance in her direction, “Yeah. And it didn’t even cross your mind to tell me he was here. Did it? Huh?!” I walked to the bathroom and slammed the door and took my long sweet time in the shower. When I got out, I heard Hayley’s voice. She was talking on the phone, probably to Ryan, and she was talking in a low voice and it was probably about me.
I’m not going to say that everything I said to Jon in the park was true, but I’m not going to say that everything was a lie. I was sorry that I freaked at him, but I couldn’t say that I have forgiven him. Like I said to him in the park, I hold grudges. I don’t mean to, it just happens. Someone once told me that if you can still remember what a person did to you, you haven’t completely forgiven them for it.
I wish I could forgive easily, because it would be so much easier for me. I would be able to forget about my childhood. I think that if Jon forgave me, I would forgive him too, because when you think about it, he never did anything to me. It was all our parent’s decisions and we were both victims.
Even through the entire month after I saw Jon up to now I had told myself that I couldn’t forgive him for what he did to me, I’m pretty sure I’ll find it easy for him to become one of my closest and strongest friends I have ever had.
So I’m surprised that after all my years up in Minnesota, with my specific habits that I was doing fine in Vegas. Everything was going great. Of course, the weather was pretty hot, which was way different than the constant drastic changes in Minnesota’s climate from below zero temps in the winter to reaching 100 in July. I haven’t yet decided if that was a good thing or bad thing.
Even though I like repetition, I am very spontaneous person. I know that’s probably confusing, but I loose my focus easily and I’m hyper a lot of the times. No one back home was really like me, besides my friends, but now that I’m here in Vegas I feel like I fit right in. No one asks questions here, I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do without worrying about what someone will think.
I broke the stereotype, I’m not labeled and I’m not marked with nametag that says I am a certain person. In high school I was never popular, I didn’t have a lot of friends to go to parties with or go to a movie with or even just a have a sleepover with. On the other hand, I wasn’t a geek, or a ‘nerd’. I was just me. I was afraid of commitment and didn’t trust people. I only trusted my two closest friends; Hayley and Kevin. I watched friends come and go, cause drama and cry with me in apologies, but no matter what they did I knew they wouldn’t last so I didn’t put too much time into them because just as I suspected, right after high school I didn’t talk to them and I was even rejected by those people I thought to be my ‘friends’
Several months after our class had graduated, as I walked to the store I saw Sydney. Sydney was actually one of the better friends I had, not that we had really ever spent a lot of time together, but we hung out once in a while and had classes together during my four year high school career. As I made my way up to the doors of the store, I turned and waved at her. Sydney looked directly at me, cocked her head to the side slightly and raised her eyebrow. She gave me the ‘who-are-you-and-why-are-you-talking-to-me’ look. She knew exactly who I was and turned her back to me and walked away. I know I’ll never see her again and after that experience, I never want to.
You know, it’s very embarrassing to wave at someone and they not acknowledge you back. It’s uncomfortable and upsetting.
And that is EXACTLY what I feel like when I think of Minnesota. It doesn’t matter that that’s the place I grew up, it doesn’t matter that it’s the place that holds all my memories, it still doesn’t fell right to call it my home, even though it clearly is my home. Vegas is my home now, and it just feels right to say ‘I live in Vegas.’
---
My alarm went off at 5:30 just like does everyday. I hated mornings.
"Lady Madonna, children at your feet
Wonder how you manage to make ends meet
Who find the money when you pay the rent
Did you think that money was heaven sent
Friday night arrives without a suitcase
Sunday morning creeping like a nun
Monday's child has learned to tie his bootlegs
See how they run"
My iHome was going off, Hayley got tired of me not waking up from the tiny voices of the radio, so she got me an iHome so I could wake up to my iPod. I hit snooze and fell back into five more short minutes of slumber.
I heard a soft click and my alarm turned back on after my ‘snooze’.
"Lady Madonna, baby at your breast
Wonders how you manage to feed the rest
Pa pa pa pa...
See how they run
Lady Madonna lying on the bed
Listen to the music playing in your head"
I threw back the covers and lay still in my bed letting the cooler air around me, hit my body. I decided to lie in my bed until the song was over.
"Tuesday afternoon is never ending
Wednesday morning papers didn't come
Thursday night you stocking needed mending
See how they run
Lady Madonna, children at your feet
Wonder how you manage to make ends meet"
By the end of the song I was humming along a bit. The Beatles could always get me into a better mood. I swung my feet over the side of the bed and sat up. I looked around my clean room and saw that the only thing out of place was my running shoes. I never have had a place my running shoes. I always put them wherever they may, when I was living with my mom I took my anger out by running. I would run for miles, minutes turned into half hours and half hours turned into hours.
It difficult to talk about what running did to me. One side of me would say it was good for me; I got rid of my anger in a good and ‘healthy’ way instead of cutting, bulimia or violence. But the other side of me knew I had a problem, I would run for hours and that’s definitely not good. I lost a lot of weight and even though running is healthy, it’s only good for so much before it turns bad. I took it too far and became an even bigger wreck than before. I ignored the aching and tiredness and kept on keeping on. Finally Kevin, my only real friend in Minnesota, stepped in and called up Hayley down in South Carolina and they helped me regain my mentality back and slowly but surely I became healthy again.
Now when I run, I can proudly say I do it for enjoyment and relaxation. But once in a while I find myself pounding down the pavement in anger, but it’s only for a short time.
I slipped on a sports bra and a tank and put a pair of running shorts. I grabbed my shoes and put them next the door and made my way around the couch into the kitchen. I ripped a banana off the bunch and pulled myself up on the counter and started eating it. After I was about halfway through, I set it down. I would finish the rest after my run. I exited the kitchen through the archway and went down the hall to the bathroom to pull my hair up into a ponytail. I left the apartment quietly, as I did everything else, so I didn’t wake Hayley. As much as I despised the morning, I liked being one of the first ones up. Unlike Hayley, I didn’t like to waste my day sleeping because then I’d miss the best of the day.
I enjoyed running even more now that I was in a new a place, I could make different running routes up and not get bored of the same surroundings. Today I decided to not plan out a path to take, I would be spontaneous just how I liked. Usually I planned out a route to take while I ran so I could do it in a certain amount of time so I fit my workout schedule, but once in a while I like to break protocol.
I stopped my watch and 49.14.03. “Perfect,” I said to myself. I took in a deep breathe to try and control my breathing. The run was probably one of the best I’ve had in a while, it was early enough so the heat wasn’t bugging me, I traveled into a new street and saw some stores I wanted to explore and even though it was a fast pace run, it was very refreshing. I looked up from the street at the steps of the apartment building, to our apartment on the fourth level. I didn’t see any movement so I concluded that Hayley was still sleeping.
After I had showered I left my hair up twisted up into the towel and went to go make my bed and I grabbed my iHome and plugged it into the bathroom, since I woke up to the Beatles, I decided to listen to Abbey Road.
I finished drying my hair, styling my hair, and applying make-up and I was only through You Never Gave Me Your Money when I turned off my iPod and returned it to my room. I entered the kitchen again and grabbed the other half of my banana and poured cereal into a bowl with some milk and had my breakfast.
By 8:00 I was dressed and ready for the day so I decided to head to the store to get more milk since I finished the carton with my cereal. Instead of hailing a cab to bring me to store, I walked to a little convenient store I saw on my run earlier this morning.
It was already starting to warm up and I made a note to myself that I needed to put on a T-shirt instead a long sleeve.
On my 15 minute walk back to my apartment, I was still a little creeped out from the 16 or maybe 17 year old behind the counter who checked me out. And when I say check me out, I mean literally. I actually had to remind him to check out my milk instead of checking out me. After he handed me the receipt he wouldn’t stop flirting with me. I couldn’t help but laugh, not because he was charming, but because he had barley hit puberty and was three years younger than me; he hadn’t had his growth spurt which left his eyes right inline with my breasts and his hair was greasy which explained his acne filled face. I quickly signed the receipt and threw the pen at him, grabbed my bags and dashed out of the store, leaving the boy to attend to an old grumpy woman that was waiting behind me.
I chuckled in thought of my experience, if only Hayley was there, she probably would have thrown a smart ass comment at him. I could always count on Hayley for a laugh.
I saw a familiar car parked out on the street and when made it up to my apartment and I heard voices coming from the kitchen so I slid my flip flops off and went into the kitchen. When I entered, I saw Hayley sitting at the mini table with her head in her arms and Brendon sitting in the chair next to her talking up a storm. I smiled at the sight, Hayley was an even worse morning person than me. Like me, she had a very hard time getting up usually pressing the snooze button five times or more. Unlike me, once she was up she was a bitch for another two or three hours.
I guessed that Brendon had come over to talk to me and when he couldn’t find me he wondered into Hayley’s room and woke her up.
“Brendon! Shut the fuck up!” Hayley then noticed me and her eyes widened at me, and squinted them in anger. “What took you so long?!” Brendon cocked his head to the side and looked at her in confusion for a moment then turned his head to see who Hayley was talking to. Then his whole face brightened.
“Emmy!” He made his way over to me and hugged me tight.
I laughed, “Hey, Bren!” He stole a quick peck on the lips when Hayley wasn’t looking. It made me blush and he grabbed the bags from my hands and set them on the counter for me. I started putting the milk in the fridge and a couple of other things I had bought I put in the cupboards. We didn’t need much since we already went grocery shopping to fill up our new living quarters with food. I was surprised we still had food after a week of living here, Hayley can eat like a man. “So, Hayls I saw this really cute looking café while I was running today. I think we should go to lunch and try it out today.” All I got in response was a grumble from her.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” I replied sarcastically. Brendon’s face turned a little more serious and concerned. “You can come too, Bren. So can Ryan and Spencer, it’d be fun!”
“No, it’s okay, we have band practice today.”
“Then, why do you look so… worried?” I tried to guess why he had a problem with my and Hayley going to lunch.
“Emily, you run?”
“Yeah…?”
“Like, outside?”
“Yes.”
“On your own?”
“Yeah? What’s wrong with that?”
“Well, I don’t know, I mean, you shouldn’t be running here.”
I arched my eyebrow at him, “And why shouldn’t I be running, Mr. Urie?” He rolled is eyes at the name.
He simply stated, “It’s dangerous.” I gave him a weird look, signaling for him to go on. “There are a lot of creeps in Vegas and I don’t think it’s safe for you to be out wandering streets at five in the morning not knowing where you are going, Emmy. I mean, there’s probably drunks roving the streets on their home from bars and--”
“I know where I’m going Bren. On a run, and then back.” I crossed my arms and looked up at him.
“Yeah but--”
“No buts, if it makes you feel better, you can come with me tomorrow,” I offered innocently.
Brendon thought about this suggestion for a moment then agreed to it. After that, we sat and joked in the kitchen. Later, Brendon stood up saying they hadn’t had played together as band in a while and Ryan was going crazy. I walked him to the door and he whispered into my ear alluringly, “See you tomorrow, Emmy.” I blushed and he left. I shut the door, “Get a room already!” I rolled my eyes and laughed at Hayley in the kitchen. I made my way to my room and started a new book as Hayley got ready for the day.
---
The café we went to was… interesting, to say the least. After messing up our order for about the fourth time we just went with it. The food wasn’t that good, but the inside of the café was darling, which made up for the frustration. I’m not saying I would go there again, but I had a good time.
After lunch, Hayley and I went next door to a clothing store and browsed around awhile until Hayley found a really cute top. Hayley bought the blue flowing top for her date with Ryan tonight and we headed for home.
“You know, Brendon’s hot.” I was taken back and Hayley’s bold statement.
“Excuse me?” Hayley looked at me and smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
“Just saying.” I eyed her suspiciously.
“I know what you’re doing, you’re messing with me so I will admit something, aren’t you,” I asked suspiciously.
“Maybe… maybe not. I’m just saying,.” She sang and I kept eyeing her.
“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I asked skeptically.
She laughed and replied, “Yeah, but I just wanted to see your face when you said it. You were so offended!” She grabbed her stomach from laughing so hard and she started stumbling up the steps as we made our way back up to our apartment.
“Obviously, you think this is funny in some way… well it’s not,” I crossed my arms in annoyance. Hayley continued laughing.
She wiped a tear, “Yeah, it is! You- you were so def- defensive!” She continued laughing and I slipped off my shoes and went to my room and closed the door.
Hayley’s laughing stopped and I heard her feet pad over my door. “Aw, come on, Emily. I was just kidding around.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I replied as I stuck my nose in the book I was reading and got lost in the words on the page.
Hayley continued yelling through the door, “Well if it helps, I think you two would be cute together.”
I pretended not to hear her, but when I heard her feet pad into her room, I smiled to myself and remembered the ‘appointment’ Brendon and I planned for tomorrow.
I was really into the book I was reading and didn’t want to put it down but I heard Hayley moving around out in the living room so I went out to see what she was up to. If there was one thing Hayley and I understood about each other, it was that we needed personal space. We respected each other and knew that we couldn’t always do everything together and sometimes we needed alone time. But as always, I can’t stay away from her for long.
“Hey!”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Just coming out to see what you’re up to,” I replied and plopped myself down beside her on the couch. She was wearing her new top. It was a mix of navy, steel, royal and sky blue. Long different width stripes that varied in with and size wandered over her silk shirt. The neck plunged into a deep V and she wore a simple cami under it. I quick went to my room and went for my jewelry box and pulled out a thick gold bangle bracelet and put it on her. It was the bracelet my grandma gave me a couple days before she died.
The buzzer beeped and I went to answer it, “Yes?”
“Hey, it’s Ryan, is Hayley ready up there?” I smiled and looked at the clock, and saw that it was 6:00 on the dot.
“Yeah, she said she is coming.”
“K thanks, Em”
I turned to Hayley, “Wow, he is so classy! This is what, your fifth date and he’s still on time? Impressive.” I winked at her and she smiled, slipped on her black pumps and walked out the door.
“Bye Ems.”
“See ya.”
The rest of the evening I was bored, until later when I called up Brendon.
“Hello?”
“Hey Brenny!”
“Hey Emmy.”
“What’s wrong? You seem sad.”
“No, it’s just this new album, we are trying to write for it but nothing we do is that good and it’s just really frustrating.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Yeah, it’s very wearisome, our fans are looking for more and we haven’t really put together any upcoming tours, except a couple of festivals, and we can’t get this album started and hhhh!”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, I’m not good at giving band advice,” I joked, hoping to lift the mood.
I heard smile in his voice as he spoke, “Well, you could make us our new record. That would help.”
I laughed and replied sarcastically, “Wow that seems attainable!”
He chuckled on the other end and I could tell his mood was lightening, “So what’s up?!”
“Nothin’, just kind of bored. Hayley’s on a date with Ry, and they left me with nothing to do.” I sprawled out on the couch and flipped on the TV.
“Sounds great,” he replied sarcastically.
“Oh it really is,” I said cynically. I was flipping through the channels when something caught my eye. “Hey! You’re on TV!”
“What?”
“Yeah! You guys are so charismatic,” I said jokily and laughed.
“Hmm. So, you wanna take me up on that deal and write the record?” changing the subject.
“Very funny Brenny. No, but I will help you!”
“Yeah? You play?”
“Yep, piano and guitar.”
“I didn’t see your guitar when we were unpacking…”
“Yeah, my mom broke a while back so I haven’t really been able to play for a while, but sometimes I sneak into stores and play on their guitars there.”
“I can see you doing that,” he laughed. “Ohp, Ryan’s here. I have to go, we have to practice.”
“Okay, but wait, is Hayley wi--” Brendon hung up and I was left wondering where Hayley was.
An hour had passed and Hayley still wasn’t home. I called Hayley but realized she left her phone here so there was no use. I tried calling Ryan, and it went straight to voicemail, as did Spencer and Brendon. I started getting worried, so I decided that I would go over to Brendon’s place to see if Hayley was there.
As I made my way towards the step to go down to the lobby, I heard the elevator door ding and I turned to see Hayley step out.
“Oh my god, Hayley! Where the hell were you?!” I said stomping towards her.
“I-I uh, I don’t know?” She more than asked than said.
“Really. You don’t know? What. You got lost?” I was getting impatient.
“Well sort of, I mean not really, well--” My phone started ringing and I took it out, open and closed it and put it back in my pocket without even looking at it.
“Continue.”
“Well, as you know, I went on the date and we went out and had fun and all that crap, and then well,” she hesitated. “Ryan came back here to drop me off and we kissed and made out and all that shit. Then, I reached for the door handle to get out and looked down at my wrist and well, the bracelet was gone.” I looked at her confused, and she continued. “And so, I pretended to walk up to our room and when I saw he left, I got a cab and went back to all the places we were to look for it. And I know that bracelet means a lot to you, Ems I really do. And I couldn’t find it and-and I-I’ll make it up to you, Em I promise!”
“Hayls! Slow down, take a breath!” I reached out and embraced her in a hug. “That’s what you were doing? Finding a stupid bracelet that you lost?”
“Y-yeah.”
I smiled and shook my head at her, “Hayley, you are a piece of work. Do you know how worried I was about you? I was talking to Brendon and he said that Ryan came over, but you didn’t come home yet and he hung up and I couldn’t get a hold of any of them!”
“Oh, well they were probably practicing, you know, Ryan doesn’t like interruptions and he tells them- Wait. You were talking to Brendon?! Oo! What were you talking about? Were you having phone sex? Oo tell me!”
I rolled my eyes and we started walking back into the apartment together. The rest of the night we spent hanging out and leaving crazy ass voicemail messages for the boys.
---
"Brothers and sisters put this record down
Take my advice ('cause we are bad news)
We will leave you high and dry
It's not worth the hearing you'll lose
It's just past 8 and I'm feeling young and reckless
The ribbon on my wrist says, "Do not open before Christmas."
We're only liars, but we're the best (we're the best)
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only good cause you can have almost famous friends
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense
Brothers and sisters, yeah, put these words down
Into your notebook (spit lines like these)
We're friends when you're on your knees
Make them dance like we were shooting their feet
It's just past 8 and I'm feeling young and reckless
The ribbon on my wrist says, "Do not open before Christmas."
I heard Patrick’s voice flood through my ear, but I couldn’t pull myself out of bed, so the song grew louder the longer I let my eyes stay closed.
"We're only liars, but we're the best (we're the best)
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only good cause you can have almost famous friends
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense
We're only liars, but we're the best
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only liars, but we're the best
We're only good for the latest trend
We're only good cause you can have almost famous friends
Besides, we've got such good fashion sense"
I heard the song finish and I looked at my clock; 5:33. I didn’t want to get up so I pushed snooze through out the next song.
Once Cute Is What We Aim For started and stopped, then Billy Joel come on. I finally decided to get up. It was 5:40 and I headed to the bathroom to get ready for my run. It was a bit before 6:00 when I heard a knock on the door. My eyes widened, I totally had forgotten that I was running with Brendon today.
I quickly slipped on some running shorts and put on a sports bra quick and ran to the door to let Brendon in.
When I opened the door, I saw Brendon in his athletic clothes. It was different seeing him in something other than his semi-tight jeans and nice shirt. I smiled when I saw him, he always brought a smile to my face.
“Hey, Emmy.” He looked down at my body, in all the rush to answer the door, I had forgotten to put on a shirt. I blushed and closed the door and started towards my room to fetch a tank top.
Brendon cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his head, which was only what he did when he felt awkward or embarrassed.
We finally got out of the apartment by quarter to seven. Brendon suddenly had to eat, then he needed to rest because he claimed, ‘it’s not good to run right after you eat a meal, I’ll get sick.’
I finally realized that he was playing me, so I jumped him and dragged him out the door. We were in a fit of giggles, but I managed to get serious and start the watch. We had been running for a little less then ten minutes and Brendon was already huffing and puffing. We were at the park that was down the street and there were surprisingly a lot of people there.
I saw other joggers, dog walkers, older couples, and just regular people that were walking, resting, and playing. There were also venders set up in the parking area.
We both turned into the parking lot so we could get onto the path that winds through the entire park.
“How do you know where everything leads?” Brendon asked still out of breath.
“I don’t, I just kind of go with it I guess,” I said, slowing down my pace as well so Brendon didn’t fall behind.
“Hmm, that makes sense I guess,” he gasped for more air, “How much longer do we have?” he gasped for more air, trying to control his breathing.
“Just breathe when you need to, don’t try to control your breathing, it just makes it worse. And we still have another 20 minutes. But we can cut it shorter, if you need.” You would think because he is a jumping around on stage everyday, that he would be able to handle this a little better, but I guess not.
“Oo! Do you see what I see, Emmy?!” I looked at him and then followed his line of sight to where he was looking. I laid eyes on what Brendon’s eyes were gazing at. There was an old man, slightly over weight, with a white apron, scooping ice cream out of a cart and giving it to a teenager with a skateboard. Before I could say anything, Brendon made a beeline towards the ice cream cart. I exhaled in defeat and headed towards a bench to sit down and wait.
“So, you still run huh?” I jumped in surprise. I turned my head to see who was sitting at the other end of my bench.
How ironic, who would have ever guess it? The infamous, Jon Walker.
“Hey,” I squeaked out. We sat in silence for a while, neither of us knowing what to say. I wasn’t sure what to do either, so I looked over at Brendon and he was still waiting to get ice cream. I decided I needed to say something. I guess Jon was thinking the same thing because when I started to say something, so did Jon. We both chuckled a little under our breath and smiled at each other. It was sort of the awkward laugh when you don’t really know the person you are talking to but are trying to be nice. The silence returned.
“Um, about that thing,” Jon started, uneasily. “I mean, you know the thing in the--” I shook my head showing I knew what he was talking about. I don’t think I could forget that day back in the alley. It was a big day for me; I cried, I shook with fear, and yelled and screamed everything my heart was telling me, I’m sure I scared everyone around me with my outburst, but mostly I scared the shit out of me. Jon cleared his throat, “Well I’m sorry about that. I meant to tell you before I left for Chicago, but well, I didn’t really want to talk to you becuase I was sort of avoiding you.”
“Same,” I agreed with him and smiled, trying to lighten the mood.
Jon gave a fast smile and returned back to his regular face, “I just wanted to say that I was pretty much being a jackass, and I regret all the things I said to you, because it was very insensitive and I was pretty much irritated and just focused on me when I was saying that stuff to you.”
“Same here, I’m sorry for what I said also. I don’t ever flip out like I did that day. I just hold grudges, and I had been holding that grudge for like, ever.”
He nodded indicating he understood. I had a feeling he know exactly what I was saying, like he was going through the same thing.
“Lets go, Emmy!” Brendon came running up to me throwing the cup his ice cream was in, in the garbage. He grabbed my hand pulled me up beside him. “Oh hey, Jon!” Brendon turned on his heals and twisted to leave but stopped, “Jon?”
I started running taking Brendon’s hand and pulling him with me before he asked Jon anymore questions, “Bye Jon!” I yelled back and he winked at me, standing up heading the opposite direction we were running.
“Why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me Jon was here?” I asked, my mood totally changing after we had run a little bit. I can’t believe no one told me Jon was coming down to Las Vegas. I was mad especially because I was 98% sure that Hayley knew he was here too.
We finished the run and Brendon established that he thought Vegas was safe enough this time a morning and that he wouldn’t need to run with me anymore. I was pretty sure he said that because he didn’t want to get up and run every morning.
Brendon left me at the steps of the apartment, gave me a hug and left. The hug didn’t give me the blush it usually did, I was too distracted. Jon was here in Vegas and I just talked to him, like nothing really happened a month ago.
I entered the apartment deep in thought, and surprisingly Hayley was already up and was sitting at the dining table on her laptop. “Hey Ems! There is a picture of you, Brendon and Jon in the park! Wow, these fans are fast and dedicated.”
I didn’t even glance in her direction, “Yeah. And it didn’t even cross your mind to tell me he was here. Did it? Huh?!” I walked to the bathroom and slammed the door and took my long sweet time in the shower. When I got out, I heard Hayley’s voice. She was talking on the phone, probably to Ryan, and she was talking in a low voice and it was probably about me.
I’m not going to say that everything I said to Jon in the park was true, but I’m not going to say that everything was a lie. I was sorry that I freaked at him, but I couldn’t say that I have forgiven him. Like I said to him in the park, I hold grudges. I don’t mean to, it just happens. Someone once told me that if you can still remember what a person did to you, you haven’t completely forgiven them for it.
I wish I could forgive easily, because it would be so much easier for me. I would be able to forget about my childhood. I think that if Jon forgave me, I would forgive him too, because when you think about it, he never did anything to me. It was all our parent’s decisions and we were both victims.
Even through the entire month after I saw Jon up to now I had told myself that I couldn’t forgive him for what he did to me, I’m pretty sure I’ll find it easy for him to become one of my closest and strongest friends I have ever had.