Take a Breath and Hold On Tight

The last month seemed to fly by in a blur. When I wasn’t spending time with John, Libby was dragging me all around town, trying to get me to soak up as much of Arizona as I could. Parties were thrown here and there, and memories had been made in my heart.

There was a carnival in town tonight, celebrating the closing of summer. I’d been to a carnival a handful of times as a child, and I was more than willing to go when John asked me to accompany him.

“Harp, what’re you wearing tonight?” Libby asked, walking into my room with a headful of curlers, and one eye with makeup on.

I laughed at the sight and shrugged my shoulders, closing my laptop. “I don’t know yet.”

She sighed. “Dammit, me either,” she mumbled before walking out.

I stretched my arms above my head before getting up and walking towards my already packed suitcase. I sifted through a few items before pulling out a pink Oxford shirt and a pair of dark blue denim shorts. I slid both on and rolled the sleeves of my shirt up to my elbows. I combed my fingers through my hair before making my way to Libby’s room.

I knocked. “Libby?”

She opened the door a second later. “You look cute, missy.”

I laughed. “Thanks. I was wondering if I could borrow your Chi?”

She nodded her head. “Of course.” She walked towards her vanity before handing me the black straightener. “Trying to look sexy for O’Callaghan tonight?”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think my outfit exactly screams sexy.”

“Maybe not, but John will surely appreciate those legs.”

I blushed and turned around. “Whatever, Libby.”

“Uh huh. I know you’re blushing, Harp,” she laughed.

I laughed to myself as I walked back into my room. I plugged in the straightener and sat in front of my mirror. Libby had helped me buy my own makeup, and I decided to use it tonight. I put on a light coat of foundation and powder before taking the pencil eyeliner and drawing two thin lines over my eyelids. I put a coast of mascara on my eyelashes before batting my eyes, making sure it looked decent. I then went to work on my hair, straightening it, making it seem longer than it normally looked.

When I was done, I stood up and sighed. I was used to just throwing on my clothes and walking out of the door, but tonight seemed special, so I wanted to put some sort of effort into my appearance. My phone buzzed and I grabbed it from my bed. I smiled at the name.

“Hey, Sunshine,” I smiled.

He chuckled. “Hey, Sweet Pea. Are you almost done getting ready?”

I nodded my head. “I’m done, actually. Libby might not be, though.”

He sighed. “That girl takes forever.”

I laughed. “I know. I’ll try to get her to hurry up.”

“Great. I’ll start heading over in a few. Sound good?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon, John.”

“See ya, Harp,” he said before hanging up.

I slid my feet into a pair of all white shoes and closed my door before making my way back to Libby’s room. This time her door was opened, and she was zipping up a pair of brown boots.

“You look gorgeous, Libbs.”

She smiled before standing up and twirling around, her light pink dress flowing with her. “Do you think it’s too much?”

I shook my head. “No, but you might want to wear a pair of shorts underneath, so you don’t flash everyone on the rides.”

She laughed and slapped her forehead. “You’re right.” She walked over to her dresser and began looking for a pair of shorts. “So … have you thought about tonight at all?”

I arched my brows, taking a seat on her bed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what’s gonna happen between you and John tonight,” she said before closing her drawer, black shorts in her hand.

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

She scoffed and began sliding the fabric over her legs. “Tonight’s your last night here, Harper. Don’t you want to give John something to remember?”

I immediately began blushing. “I – I don’t know.” I licked my lips before looking at her. “Weren’t you the one who said you would hurt John if he had sex with me?”

She smirked. “That was before you two fell in love. Now, I don’t mind it if he gets a little booty from you.”

I laughed and threw a pillow at her. “Whatever.”

She threw it back and we continued our little pillow fight until the doorbell sounded. Libby grabbed her purse and cell phone before we both headed into the living room. She opened the door and immediately threw her arms around Garrett, who stumbled from her jump.

“Goodness, Libby,” he laughed before placing a peck on her lips.

“Yeah, yeah, move out of the way. Where’s my lady?” John questioned, pushing past them.

I giggled. “Right here.”

He smirked and wrapped his arms around me. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” I blushed.

“I already told mom and dad we were going out tonight before they left, so if y’all are ready, we can go,” Libby told me.

I nodded my head, grabbing John’s hand. “Let’s go.”

The whole ride to the carnival was filled with loud, screamo music, to which both Garrett and Libby yelled along to. John and I laughed the whole time, shaking our heads at how alike they were. When we pulled into the overcrowded parking lot, we were lucky enough to find a space not too far off from the entrance. Garrett parked and we all got out.

“So, what do you want to ride first, Harp?” John asked, lacing our fingers.

I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Come on, you said you haven’t been to a carnival in years. There’s nothing that just screams out ‘ride me first’ to you!?” he questioned, making air quotes with fingers.

I laughed. “Um … the boat one? I think it was my favorite when I was a kid.”

“The boat?” He arched his brows.

“The one that sways back and forth,” I explained.

“Oh! I know exactly what you’re talking about!” he said, seeming more excited than I was.

I laughed at his childishness as we entered the line to buy tickets. Garrett and Libby flirted shamelessly behind us, and I even found myself blushing at their words. John tried to keep me distracted by ranting on about the rides, and I smiled at how adorable he was; I’d never seen this side of him before.

When we got to the window, John stepped in front of me. “Can I get two wristbands?” he asked.

The teller nodded her head and printed out two yellow wristbands. “Forty-two-sixty,” she said.

My eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. “John,” I started but he cut me off by handing the lady two twenties and a five.

“It’s your last night, Sweet Pea. Don’t hassle me about expenses, okay?” he smiled.

I wanted to argue, because forty bucks for two wristbands just seemed absurd to me, but I sighed in response. “Fine.”

“Let me see your wrist,” he said once we stepped aside, letting Libby and Garrett get to the window.

I held out my wrist and he placed the yellow band around it. “Thank you,” I smiled. He placed a kiss on my forehead and Libby and Garrett joined us.

“Let’s get to riding, bitches!” Garrett shouted, earning a few looks from the people around us.

We all laughed and began walking the fair. John was determined to find the boat ride for me, and wouldn’t let my cousin or Garrett get on any other rides until we did. It took us a few moments, but Libby was the first to spot it.

“Look, it’s right there!” she squealed before taking off running, pulling Garrett behind her.

“Let’s go!” John shouted, grabbing my hand.

We ran to the line, which thankfully wasn’t too long, and Libby bounced up and down on her heels.

“We need to get the backseats!” she exclaimed.

“Why the back?” I questioned, my slight fear of heights kicking in.

“Because it’s the best! On the way down, you get those butterflies in your tummy and you scream like an idiot, but it’s so much fun!”

I laughed and looked at John. “I’m slightly scared of heights.”

He smiled and pulled me into his side. “It doesn’t go up too high, but you can feel free to hang onto me if you need to. I won’t object.”

I laughed and slapped his shoulder playfully just as the gate for the ride opened up. We flashed our bands and Libby and Garrett ran straight for the back, nearly knocking over a few kids on their way. “Oh my God,” I said, feeling embarrassed.

“Classic Garrett and Libby,” John laughed.

We slid in next to them and I flashed an apologetic smile to the kids who wanted our seats, but had to settle for the row in front of us. “Libby, you and Garrett are horrible!” I scolded.

She laughed. “Sometimes you have to fight for what you want,” she said with a shrug.

“Yeah, and besides, we did it for you,” Garrett winked.

I smiled and rolled my eyes playfully and we waited for the rest of the seats to fill up. When they did, the boat began moving slowly and I clung onto John’s arm. He laughed at my nervousness but rubbed my arm soothingly. The boat rocked high into the air, and I closed my eyes as we jolted forward, an array of butterflies fluttering in my stomach as it did.

“Fuck me!” I shouted as we rocked to the opposite side. When I realized what I’d said, I clamped my hand over my mouth and Libby, Garrett and John bursted out laughing.

“Oh my God! She cussed! She cussed!” Garrett cheered. “Do it again!”

Libby laughed and squealed as we came back down. “Go, Harper!”

“I’m a proud boyfriend,” John joked, wiping a tear from his eye.

I couldn’t help but to laugh at their words as the boat continued swaying back and forth. Each time we came down, Libby and I would scream our heads off and John and Garrett rolled their eyes, trying to act like macho men. When it ended, we exited and began looking for our next ride.

“What’s next?” Libby asked.

“It doesn’t matter to me,” I said.

“Let’s ride something that will make Harper cuss again,” Garrett laughed.

John joined in. “That’s the highlight of the night, I think.”

“Oh, but the night’s young. You might be in for a treat later,” Libby said, winking at John and I.

I blushed and pushed her shoulder. “Shut up.”

We all laughed and Libby pointed toward the Tilt-A-Whirl. We waited in line, joking the whole time. Once we were on, we began spinning in fast circles and every turn would cause us to bump into each other.

After Tilt-A-Whirl came Cliffhanger, then Silver Streak, and such on. Every ride created butterflies in my stomach and always ended in laughter caused by Libby and Garrett. When it began to get dark, we took a break from the rides and tried playing a few games.

After trying to pop a few balloons, Libby and I gave up and let John and Garrett give it a go. We were both rooting for our boyfriends, but in the end, Garrett lost and John won me a small giraffe.

“That was bullshit,” Garrett pouted.

“Awe, you’ll get ‘em next time, babe,” Libby cooed.

John smirked and draped an arm over my shoulders. I leaned into him, and smiled. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. What’re you going to name him?”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” I admitted.

“How about John, he sure looks like him,” Garrett laughed, earning a punch in the arm from John.

“You’re both tall as fuck. It makes sense,” Libby joked.

He rolled his eyes and pouted at me. “You’re just gonna let them talk about me like that?”

I laughed and placed the giraffe underneath my arm, grabbing John’s face in my hands. “Awe, is my baby’s feelings hurt?” He nodded his head like a child, and I smiled before placing a kiss on his lips. “Better?”

“Much,” he grinned, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Gag me!” Libby playfully scoffed.

I laughed and rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”

“What time is it?” Garrett asked.

“Uh, almost ten,” John told him, glancing at his phone. “The fireworks start in thirty minutes, I think.”

“We can probably ride one or two more rides. Y’all have anything in mind?” Libby asked.

The boys shrugged and looked at me. “The Ferris wheel?” I asked.

“Perfect,” Libby agreed.

We made our way towards the rather long line and waited. People kept cutting in the line, making it hard for us to move up, and after five people, it began to get annoying. I sighed as yet another couple cut in front, and John chuckled at my aggravation. But I knew I wasn’t the only one frustrated, because Libby’s face had pissed off written all over it. When the next few kids tried to cut in line, Libby pushed her way forward, pulling Garrett.

“If fuckers are going to keep coming and cutting in line, then fuck it, we will, too,” she huffed.

John pulled me behind him up the line, and although I kept muttering ‘sorry’ to the others waiting, their faces let me know they didn’t care. I hid in front of John and he snaked his arms around my waist, placing his chin on my shoulder.

“Think of a name yet?”

I laughed and looked down at the yellow and brown spotted giraffe in my hands. “I was actually thinking of listening to Garrett and Libby and going with John.”

He groaned. “But why?”

“Because he’s tall and cute like you. It’ll be a nice remainder of you when I go back home,” I explained.

A small smile tugged at his lips and he kissed my cheek. “I can’t argue with that.”

Once we were finally at the front, we flashed our bands yet again and Libby and Garrett got into their own cart, while we waited for the next behind them. John and I slid into the obnoxious yellow cart and he pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms around me.

“Are you happy to be going back home?” he asked, looking down at me.

I shrugged. “I am, but then again, I’m not.”

“Any reason?”

I smiled sheepishly and leaned my head back onto his shoulder. “I’m going to miss you and the guys and Libby. This summer has just … it’s been amazing. I’ve never been so happy in my life.”

He smiled and pulled me closer to him. “I’m going to miss you, too, Sweet Pea. I don’t know what I’m going to do when you’re gone.”

I laughed. “You’ll be fine, John. You’re going to be recording an album and living your dream.”

He sighed. “That’s true, but I just wish we didn't have to be apart.”

We began being lifted into the air and I lost my breath for a moment as we looked out over the scenery. The carnival lights illuminated the night air, and I tried to soak up as much of it as I could, wanting this moment to last forever.

“Harper?” John whispered as we reached the very top of the wheel.

I looked at him. “Yeah?”

I watched him breathe in and out deeply a few times before he actually opened his mouth. “I – I don’t want you to be weirded out or feel like you have to say it back, but I need to tell you this, okay?” I nodded my head slowly and he placed a hand on my cheek. “I love you, Harper. I know that this is such bad timing because you’re leaving tomorrow, but – God – I’m in love with you, and I just wanted you to know. I know that you have your insecurities, but I want you to know, you’re the most beautiful thing in my eyes, Harper.”

His words brought tears to my eyes and I could only smile as my heart began pounding against my chest. “I love you, too, John. I – I never imagined that coming here would bring me love, but it has. You saw that I was broken and you fixed me. You made me happy again.”

He licked his lips and brushed away my tears. He stared into my eyes for a second before placing his lips over mines. It wasn’t long before the kiss grew heavy and our tongues became involved. I lost all sense of time and place as we kissed, and it wasn’t until I heard fireworks going off did I come down from the high heavens. We both opened our eyes and smiled at each other.

“I guess we’re missing the beginning of the show,” he chuckled lightly.

I shrugged and bit down on my bottom lip. “At this point, I don’t mind.”

He smirked and as we began descending, we watched what we could see of the fireworks. When we got off, we met Libby and Garrett, and at first, I thought she wouldn’t notice, but after a second glance, my cousin grabbed my hand and pulled me away from John.

“What happened in that cart!? You’re glowing!” she beamed.

I laughed and looked at John, who was conversing with Garrett. “John told me he loved me.”

“Oh my God! Did you say it back?”

I nodded my head. “I’m in love with him.”

“Oh my God!” she yelled again before pulling me into a bone-crushing hug. “I’m so happy for you two!”

I laughed and hugged her back tightly. “Thank you, Libby.”

Once she was done gushing over my relationship, we walked back to John and Garrett. John arched a brow at me as he laced our fingers together.

“She asked why I was glowing,” I said.

He laughed and smiled. “Now that you mention it, you are glowing.”

I blushed and hid my face in his arm. “It’s your fault.”

We made our way onto the large mass of grass where hundreds of people were watching the firework show. John sat down and spread his legs, allowing me to sit in between them. He wrapped his arms around me, and we watched the beautiful display, holding onto tightly to what would be one of our last moments together.

When it was done, we all trekked back to Garrett’s car. After waiting in line for nearly fifteen minutes, we were able to get onto the road.

“Hey, Gare, can you drop me and Harper off at my house?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said.

Libby gave me a quick glance over her shoulder, but said nothing. I looked at John, wondering why he wanted Garrett to drop us off at his house, but he was busy staring out of the window, so I let it go.

When we pulled up to John’s house, I gave Garrett and Libby big hugs before they drove away. John pulled his keys from his pockets and unlocked his car.

“Where are we going?”

He smirked. “You’ll see.”

I groaned and rolled my eyes but said nothing as we got into his car. Death Cab for Cutie played softly through the speakers as we drove, and after a few minutes, I began noticing where we were going. I felt my heartbeat increasing, but tried to focus on the song playing to calm me.

After parking, John got out and opened my door for me. He grabbed my hand and we walked towards the all too familiar hill. When we got to the top, we both sat down and stared out at the city. John’s thumb traced invisible patterns on the back of my hand, and I closed my eyes, savoring the moment.

“We’ll make this work,” he stated out of nowhere. I glanced at him, but he kept his eyes forward. “It won’t always be easy, but I love you and I’m willing to try if you are,” he said, finally looking at me.

I smiled and pressed my forehead against his. “Of course I am.”

He smiled and pressed his lips against mines. It took no time for us to pick right back up where we left off at the Ferris wheel. Our tongues rolled and glided over one another and I slowly found myself leaning back towards the ground. When my back hit the grass, John straddled my hips and I tangled my hands in his hair.

His hands slowly ran up and down my sides, creating goosebumps. I shivered from the touch, and I could feel his lips smirking against my own. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I broke away for air and John’s lips began trailing down my jaw line and neck. His lips were searching for a certain spot on my neck, but I wasn’t even if sure if I had a special spot. He was the only boy who’d ever gotten this far.

However, when his tongue began rolling over the skin under my right earlobe, an involuntary moan escaped my lips and again, I could feel him smirk. I closed my eyes as he began nibbling and sucking softly, gasping for breath. His hands were slowly pushing up my shirt and it was setting my skin on fire.

I ran my hands underneath his shirt and trailed my fingertips down his lean stomach. For the first time, I felt him shudder, and it made me smile. He brought his lips back to my mouth and we began kissing much more fiercer than we ever had before. When he began unbuttoning my shirt, he pulled away, looking me in the eyes.

“We don’t have to, if you’re not ready,” he breathed.

I shook my head, feeling dizzy from the kiss. “I want to.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fucking positive.”

He smirked and wasted no time in undoing the buttons on my shirt. Once that was done, I rose up slowly, and slid it off my arms. His hands went to unclasp my bra, and soon enough, my entire top was bare. He hungrily kissed and nipped at my skin before stopping to remove his own shirt.

He led a path of kisses down my jaw, neck, chest and stomach, coming to a stop right before my shorts. He unbuttoned them and slid them off my legs, before coming back up for my underwear. Once again, he glanced at me and I nodded my head. He slowly slipped them off before looking at me. His eyes glanced over every part of my exposed body, drinking me in. I blushed but he quickly caught on and hovered over me again, kissing me before placing his mouth to my ear.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

That was all I needed to hear. His jeans came off, along with his boxers, and we laid naked pressed against each other, kissing. One of his hands disappeared and a second later, I heard the crinkle of a package. I opened my eyes and saw it was a condom wrapper.

If it had been any other guy, I would have been angered at the fact that they were carrying a condom around, almost as if they were expecting sex. But it was John, and I knew him better than that.

I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t but help myself as I watched him slide the condom on. When he caught me staring, he chuckled and placed a kiss on my forehead. I could feel him against my inner thigh, and I placed my fingers over his shoulder blades, slightly digging the tips into his skin.

“Take a breath and hold on tight,” he whispered before pushing inside of me.

And I did just that, I sucked in a huge breath of air and held onto his body for dear life as a sensation rippled through my body. It was both exhilarating and painful, but in the most magical way.

___________________________________________________________

When we finished, John helped me back into my clothes, before slipping on his own. I didn’t know what to say, and so I was quiet as I buttoned up my shirt. When John was finished putting on his shirt, he stared at me and I quickly looked away.

He kneeled in front of me, and although I wanted not to look at him, he placed a finger under my chin and looked me in the eyes, hurt showing clearly in them. “Harper, are you okay?” I nodded my head, because I was okay, aside from the throbbing pain in between my legs. He didn’t seem convinced and he sighed, looking down at my hands. “I must be the biggest jackass in the world right now,” he stated before standing up.

I looked at him, furrowing my brows. “Why would you think that?”

He ran his hands through his hair, and it almost looked as if he wanted to cry. “Harper, if you didn’t want to have sex, we didn’t have to. If you felt like you had to because you thought it was what I wanted, you were wrong. I would have waited for you with no problem. But we – we did it and you’re sitting there with that look on your face, and it’s just … it’s breaking me in half.”

I stood up, albeit I stumbled and had a hard time walking towards him, but when I was finally toe to toe with him, I held his face in between my hands. “John, I wanted to have sex with you, okay? If I didn’t, I would have told you so.” I placed a soft kiss against his lips. “I love you and I’m sorry if I made you feel otherwise.”

He gave me a small smile and pressed his forehead against mine. “Are you positive, Harper?”

I nodded my head. “One hundred percent.”

He sighed and gave me one last kiss before pulling away. “Do you, um, do you want to go home or do you want to stay with me?”

“I want to stay with you,” I stated.

He smiled and nodded his head. “I have a blanket in my car. Hang here for a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” I said before he walked off towards his car.

I turned around and thought about everything that had just happened. I lost my virginity to John, the boy who I fell in love with, and who I was leaving tomorrow. A part of me kept telling me how stupid it was to do such a thing, but another part of me was happy that it happened.

A few minutes later, I heard footsteps coming and I turned back around, seeing John carrying a quilt in one hand and what looked like a notebook in the other. He sat down and patted the spot beside him, and I placed my hands on my hips, giving him a look.

“What?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. “I don’t really ... feel like walking over there,” I said, hoping he’d get the hint.

He stared at me for a moment before making an ‘o’ with his mouth and chuckling. He stood up and walked towards me. “No worries, I have a solution for that,” he smirked before scooping me into his arms and carrying me bridal style to the quilt.

“Thanks,” I blushed and he nodded his head before sitting beside me. He spread the fabric over both of us before lifting the notebook in the air. “What’s that for?”

“I was working on a song earlier, and when I was walking to the car, a few more lines popped into my head. I wanted to write it down, before I forgot,” he told me.

I nodded my head. “That makes sense.”

I watched him quietly as he stuck his tongue slightly out of his mouth, brows furrowed at the paper he wrote on. He looked so adorable, and it only made me want to love him more.

“Finished,” he smiled, putting his pen down.

“Are you gonna sing it for me?”

“Maybe tomorrow before you leave. That way I’ll have my guitar with me,” he said.

“Fine,” I sighed before laying on my back. He laughed and laid down as well, wrapping his arms around me.

He yawned, and closed his eyes. “Tonight’s activities have wore me out.”

I laughed. “Go to sleep then, babe.”

He let out another yawn before nodding his head. “I love you, Sweet Pea.”

I smiled. “I love you, too, Sunshine.”

It took only a few moments before his breathing evened out, letting me know he was asleep. I stared up at the stars, running a hand through John’s hair.

I couldn’t tell John, but I was scared out of my mind about leaving tomorrow. I was in love with him, and leaving him was going to set me back so far. I knew myself, and I knew that no matter how many times he told me he loved me, I’d always be insecure.

I’d worry about what he was doing, if he was with other girls, and if he was, if they were prettier than me, which they probably would most undoubtedly be.

And then that got me thinking. If I was still this insecure with John, how would our relationship ever survive? Could it survive?

With all these worries swirling around in my head, I made a drastic decision. I didn’t want to do it, because, God, was it going to hurt me to do it, but I had to. I slowly and very carefully untangled myself from John’s arms, and rose to my feet. The pain between my legs shot through me again, but I ignored it as I glanced at the notebook lying beside him. I picked it up, along with the pen, and turned to the first empty page I found.

I held back my tears and I wrote a small message on the page before setting it back down, the pen acting as a bookmark. I took one last glance at John and felt my heart break.

“I love you,” I whispered before turning around and running back towards the front of the park. I slid my phone out of my pocket, and dialed Libby’s number.

“Garrett – Garrett, stop, Harper’s calling!” she shouted before sighing. “Yes, my dear?”

I sniffled and wiped my eyes. “C – can you come pick me up?”

“Harper, what’s wrong?” she asked, her tone sounding worried.

“Nothing, just – can you come pick me up?”

“Of course. Where are you?”

I looked around, trying to find any names I could. I finally made out a sign at the entrance of the park. “Bristol Trails,” I read.

“I know exactly where that is. I’ll be there in ten minutes, okay?”

“Okay,” I sobbed.

I hung up and sat down on a nearby bench, trying to get my tears to stop because I had no one to blame for this but myself.

The message I left for John kept swirling around in my head, and I only hoped that he listened to it.