Take a Breath and Hold On Tight

As soon as I saw the yellow of Garrett’s car nearing me, I jumped up from the bench and ran straight for it. When it came to a stop, I immediately jumped into the backseat and demanded Garrett to drive.

“Harper, what the fuck is going on!?” Libby yelled.

I wiped my face, trying to stop my sobbing. “I – I broke up with him, Libby.”

“What!?” her and Garrett shouted, the car jerking forward slightly.

“I had to do it, guys. I’m going back to Texas tomorrow. This – this just wasn’t going to work and I’m so stupid! I’m so stupid!” I cried, slapping my hands to my face.

Libby sighed and laid her hand on my leg, rubbing it in a comforting way. “We’ll talk when we get home.”

I only nodded my head and continued to cry as I stared out of the window. When we pulled into the driveway of the house, Garrett turned and gave me a sympathetic look.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Harper,” he stated.

“Yeah. Thank you for coming, Gare,” I told him.

He smiled and nodded his head. “No problem.”

I got out of the car as he and Libby said their goodbyes and went to open the door. As soon as I stepped inside the house, I went straight for my room, throwing myself down on my bed. I hugged my pillow to my chest and cried as I tried to gasp for air.

“Harper, I’m gonna need you to explain what happened,” Libby said, walking into my room and closing the door. She sat down at the foot of my bed and gave me a look.

I wiped my eyes and looked at her, seeing double as the tears blurred my vision. “We – we did it.” She nodded her head, as if telling me to ‘go on’. “And then, he was so sweet about it. He was actually worried that he had forced me into it, but he didn’t. I – I wanted it. I wanted my first time to be with John because I love him. I’m in love with him.”

“You’re not making any sense, love. You love him, but you broke up with him?” she questioned, furrowing her brows.

I sniffled and nodded my head. “I’m – I’m not as strong as he thinks I am, Libby. I won’t be able to take the distance … doubts will constantly be in the back of my mind, and no matter how much he tells me he loves me, I’ll always wonder if there’s someone else.”

She sighed and laid next to me, staring up at the ceiling. “You know, when they first started the band, I didn’t want Garrett to do it. I mean, I did, but I was just so worried about losing him … to all of it, you know? I thought about what would happen when they started touring and if our relationship would be able to survive. I didn’t, and I still don’t, want to stand in the way of his dream; that’s not my place. But looking back, and seeing where Garrett and I are now, God, I feel like such a fool for even worrying.” She turned onto her side, and looked me straight in the eyes. “I’m telling you this, because we all go through it, Harper. Whether your boyfriend is in a band, or works in an office, almost every girl has their doubts. We all wonder and we all kill ourselves with worries, but in the end, it almost never matters. If you love that person, truly love them, and they love you that same way back, then it’s worth all of the hardships to keep it alive. Think about that, okay?”

I nodded my head, wiping my eyes. “I will, Libbs. Thank you.”

She gave me a gentle smile and nodded her head before getting up and walking to my door. “I’ll see you in the morning, Harp. Good night.”

“Good night,” I said softly before she walked out.

I sighed and turned onto my right side, staring out of my window. I understood what Libby told me, I did, but that didn’t mean I suddenly had a change of heart.

I wanted to be with John more than anything, but my insecurities were eating me alive.

______________________________________________________

I zipped my suitcase shut and let out the breath that I had been holding since I woke up. There were dozens of missed calls and texts on my phone when I woke up, but I couldn’t respond back to any of them; I would’ve given in right away the minute I heard his voice.

“Harper, you about ready to head out, honey?” my aunt asked, peeking her head in the door.

I nodded my head. “Yeah, I’m all set.” I wheeled my suitcase out the door and into the living room, where my uncle, Libby, and a very sleepy Garrett stood. “We can get going.”

“I’ll get that for you, Harp,” my uncle said, taking my suitcase from me and wheeling it out the door.

“I’ll meet you guys in the car,” my aunt smiled before going out the door.

Libby immediately turned to me. “Harper, please call him. He sounds so broken,” she told me.

My own heart broke at that moment.

“I – I can’t,” I whispered. “Let’s just go.”

She sighed, obviously frustrated, but followed me out of the door with Garrett in tow of her. Once we were all in the car, my uncle began to reverse out of the drive, but we all immediately jerked forward as he slammed on the brakes.

“Glenn!” my aunt yelled, followed by Libby.

“Dad!”

“The car came out of nowhere!” my uncle stated, looking out of his rearview mirror.

We all turned around, looking out of the back window, and I felt my throat immediately run dry as I saw the black BMW parked behind us, the owner quickly getting out.

“Oh my God,” I breathed.

Libby squealed. “He listened to me!”

I cut my eyes at her, tears already pricking them. “Why would you tell him to come here!?” I shouted.

“Because you need to stop being so stubborn! I care way too much about the both of y’all to let this happen!” she told me.

“Baby, maybe-“ Garrett started but was cut off as Libby slapped her hand over his mouth.

John stood behind the car, his hands in pockets, and his stare right on me. His eyes … they looked so hollow and broken, and I wanted nothing more than to go out there and wrap my arms around him, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to.

“Get out there!” Libby yelled.

“Elizabeth, if Harper doesn’t want to go out there, you are most certainly not going to force her to,” my aunt scolded.

“Mom, please, you have no idea what’s going on,” Libby told her before opening my door and pushing me out onto the concrete. “Talk to him!” she demanded before shutting the door.

“Bitch,” I mumbled under my breath as I stood up, rubbing my backside, which had broken my fall. I looked up and met eyes with John. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I walked over to him.

We stood there, staring at each other, until he pulled out a folded piece of paper from his pocket. He opened it and licked his lips, almost looking scared to read what was written. “If you love me, let me go.” He looked up at me and shoved the paper into my chest. “If you love me, let me go,” he repeated.

I felt the first two tears fall from my eyes, and I looked away, wiping my cheeks. “I’m sorry, John.”

He shook his head. “I woke up and you were gone, Harper! You were gone! Do you have any idea how fucking worried I was!? I thought something happened to you and just as I was about to call your cell phone, I look down and guess what I fucking saw?” He let out a dry laugh, looking at the paper. “This. I see this.”

“I’m sorry, okay!?” I yelled, slapping the paper out of his hand.

“I don’t want you to be fucking sorry! I want you to explain to me why you’ve already given up!” he yelled, just as frustrated as I was. He’d never yelled at me before, and I felt myself shrinking away, wanting to run back into the car, but he saw that and reached for my hand. “Harper, you don’t get to run every time something gets complicated or hard. This – this is our relationship, and I’m not going to just let you go without a fighting chance.”

I bit down on my trembling bottom lip, and I let him pull me into his arms, sobbing against his chest. “I’m scared, John. I’m scared of – of doing this with you. I’m not good enough,” I confessed.

He sighed heavily and pulled away, holding my face between his hands. “Do you think that I’m not scared, Harper? I’m in love with you, and I’ve never felt this way before.” I gave him a look and he shook his head. “Rory doesn’t count. What me and her had … it wasn’t love. What I feel for you, can’t even be compared to what I felt for her. There’s no competition here, Harper. I love you for you. I love that you still blush when I compliment you, and that you’d rather stay home reading a book than go out and get drunk. I love that you only curse when you’re angry or excited and that when you’re nervous, you grab my hand, as if you know that I’ll always protect you.”

“You noticed that?” I laughed, sniffling.

He nodded his head, smiling. “I notice everything about you, Sweet Pea.” He swallowed and pressed his forehead against mine. “God, Harper, you have no idea how I felt when I saw that paper this morning.”

I stared into his green orbs, pushing his bangs away from his face. “I let my worries get to me and running away just seemed like the best thing to do.”

“If you’re worried, talk to me; that’s what I’m here for. Just – just don’t run,” he told me.

I couldn’t help but to smile. “Will you forgive me, Sunshine?”

He chuckled. “I already have.”

I pressed my lips to his for a moment, wanting to remember the feel of them. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

He wiped my eyes. “I’m going to miss you just as much.”

“Harper, we need to get going so you don’t miss your flight!” my uncle stated, looking out of his window.

I sighed, and suddenly, I hated myself for leaving John last night. I let go of precious moments that we could have spent together. “I love you, Sunshine.”

“I love you more, Sweet Pea.”

“We’ll make this work?”

He nodded his head. “I don’t plan on letting you go.”

I smiled and gave him one last kiss and hug. “I’ll call you when I land.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

I took in his bed head, his hazel eyes, his smirk, his cologne, his Tom Petty shirt, his skinny jeans and black boots. I soaked in all of it, because God knows how long it would be before I saw him again. I gave him a wave before getting into the car and he waved back as he got into his own. We backed out of the driveway, and I looked over the seat, watching as we drove further and further away from the boy who held my heart.

My aunt and Libby began gushing over John and I’s conversation, but I wasn’t really paying attention to any of it. Instead, John’s words from last night kept floating around in my head.

“Take a breath and hold on tight.”

They were meant in a different context, but God were they true.

I was going to hold onto every moment John and I spent together. I was going to hold onto his love for as long as he let me.

His love was stronger than any doubts or worries that I had in my mind.

He was the reason why I had gotten through the lowest point in my life. He was the reason why I'd been waking up everyday with a bright smile on my face. He was the reason why I learned to forgive my brother and myself.

Love can make you go crazy; it can make you second guess yourself; it can make you hurt. But, it can also bring you bliss and awaken your soul - it can change you.

Love brought me John and John brought me love.

And maybe this relationship isn't exactly "normal", and maybe it won't be all that easy, but it's worth fighting for.

Love's always worth fighting for.