Take a Breath and Hold On Tight

Libby parked her car on the street and Kelsi, Kennedy, Garrett and I followed her out of the car. As we walked up the long sidewalk, leading to the door of the ashen colored house, the rest of the group joined our side. Libby wrapped her left arm around my shoulders and held Garrett’s hand with her right. I could tell that this was her way of showing me that everything would be fine; that she’d be by my side the whole night. But, something inside of me lacked confidence in her gesture. As soon as the maroon door was opened, the aroma of alcohol, smoke, sweat and a mix of perfumes hit my nostrils, nearly causing me to scrunch my face in disgust.

“Do you drink?” Libby asked me.

I stared at her. “What?”

“Drink; you know, as in alcohol.”

I shook my head side to side. “No, I don’t.”

She nodded her head and Garrett tugged on her hand. “Just a minute, Gare,” She turned her attention back to me. “I’m gunna go grab a drink. Do you want to come with?”

I was almost appalled that she would ask me that. I mean, what did she expect me to do? To stand here, in a room full of people I didn’t know, and wait for her? Of course I wanted to go with her.

“Yeah, I do.”

She grabbed my hand and Garrett pulled us through the crowd of tangled bodies, into a door that lead to the kitchen. On the island, there were massive amounts of liquor and mixed drink bottles lined up. Conveniently, a huge ice chest sat next to the counter, which I’m guessing was stocked with different brands of beer. I watched as Garrett grabbed two red, plastic cups and filled them with dark colored liquor. I didn’t know the name of the alcohol, nor did I care to. I fumbled with the end of my shirt, trying to keep myself distracted, so I wouldn’t feel so awkward just standing there, but it was doing little to help.

“Harp, you want something to drink?” a voice asking me this, broke me out of my thoughts.

“I don’t drink,” I said softly.

The corners of John’s lips pulled into a crooked smile, the left side slightly higher than the right. “I figured that much. I meant, do you want some water or coke?”

“Oh,” I looked at the bottles of Coca Cola standing next to the alcohol. “C – can I have a coke?”

He chuckled and nodded his head. “Of course,”

I watched as he grabbed a single red cup and stole a few ice cubes from the cooler. Afterwards, he filled the cup with coke and held it out to me.

“You might have to be the designated driver tonight,” he told me.

I took the cup from his hand. “Thank you. Um, I – I don’t have my license.”

His eyes went wide. “You don’t have your license?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Hmm,” He took a sip of his beer. “How is that?”

I shrugged my shoulders and stared into the brown colored soda. “I just never got around to getting it.”

He shook his head. “That’s a shame. One of us will have to teach you later on.”

I looked up at him with confusion. “What do you mean?”

He smiled. “One of us will teach you how to drive. I mean, you’re eighteen-years-old, Harp. It’s about time you learned.” He gave my shoulder a slight nudge before disappearing out of the kitchen.

Libby seemed to finally notice me as she broke off her conversation with Garrett. “I told you not all of my friends were like Garrett.”

I nodded my head. “Yeah, you did.”

She smiled. “John’s a big sweetheart. He may appear to be cocky, or self-arrogant, but he’s really not. He’s . . . deep.”

“Deep?” I questioned, confused by her statement.

She nodded her head. “Yes, deep. He’s really into poetry and finding the meanings of anything and everything. He’s not your typical boy. It’s one of the many reasons girls like to ogle him. I mean, his looks definitely help, but there’s a lot more to him.”

Garrett made a face. “Are you saying that you find John more attractive than me?”

Libby rolled her eyes and laughed as she turned to him. “Of course not, Gary; I’m with you, aren’t I?” She gave him a peck on the lips, and just like that, he seemed to forget that she had even mentioned anything about John.

“Let’s go dance,” he told her.

She looked at me and bit down on her bottom lip. “Gare, we can’t.”

“Why can’t we?”

“Because Harper’s here and I promised her I wouldn’t leave her alone,” she said.

I suddenly felt very guilty, and very stupid. Because of the fact that I came to this party, Libby felt like she couldn’t leave my side; almost as if she had to baby-sit me. And in fact, I knew it seemed pathetic, but I didn’t want her to leave my side. I wasn’t a social person and interactions with strangers, if she hadn’t noticed, were not my forte. I took a sip of my soda and let the carbonated drink sit on my tongue, before swallowing. I didn’t know what to say.

“Harper, do you mind if Libby and I dance to just one song?” Garrett asked me.

I looked at him and then at Libby. I could almost see the pleading in her eyes and I knew that she really wanted to dance, and after all, who was I to hold her back from having fun? No one. That's who. “Um, sure,”

He smiled and gave me a quick hug, almost causing me to spill my drink. “Thanks Harp! I owe you one!” Immediately, he grabbed Libby’s hand and pulled her out into the living room.

I stood there for a minute, although it seemed like an eternity in my mind, before finally glancing around the kitchen. There were a few small groups talking and drinking, but none of them seemed to really be paying attention to me; I was glad. I heard a familiar voice enter the kitchen, and after a second, I recognized the voice to belong to Kelsi.

“Kenny, we just got here. We can’t sneak away already,” she said as she came up to the island.

“But Kelsi, baby, you’re driving me fucking insane with that outfit,” he whined.

She laughed and as she turned to her side, she noticed me. “Harper! What’re you doing just standing there, girl?”

I felt my cheeks burning. Had I been standing here that long? Surely, I thought it was just my mind playing tricks on me, but maybe I had been. “Um, I – I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” she questioned me, arching her brows.

I shook my head in response.

She grabbed two beers from the cooler, handed one to Kennedy, and turned back to me. “Come on, Harp. You can hang with me and Kenny.”

“Yeah, we can’t have you standing here all night.” Kennedy smiled and slung his arm around my shoulders, causing me to stiffen my body a little. I think he noticed, though, because he withdrew his arm a second later.

“Are – are you sure?”

She nodded her head. “Positive. Now, let’s go.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me behind her, with Kennedy in tow of me, and led us out into the living room.

The loud bass of the music infiltrated my ears and caused me to cringe slightly. Kelsi led us to a small group by the far left wall, near the door, and I noticed Jared and Pat, and a girl with rather short, blond-ish hair standing there.

“Harper! Where’d you disappear to?” Jared asked me with a large smile on his face.

“I was in the kitchen,” I answered lowly.

“What?” he asked as he cupped his ear with his hand and leaned towards me.

“I was in the kitchen,” I repeated, this time a little louder.

“Oh,” he said and stood up straight. “Staying near the alcohol, I get it.” He laughed.

I gave him a small smile and shook my head. “I don’t drink alcohol.”

“What?!” the girl standing beside Pat asked me.

“Oh, this is Acey. Acey, this is Libby’s cousin, Harper. She’s staying here for the summer,” Pat informed her.

She nodded her head. “Oh,” She stuck her hand out in front of me. “As Pat said, I’m Acey. It’s nice to meet you, Harper.”

I shook her hand, rather limply, and nodded my head. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

I listened as they made small talk. I didn’t say much, but I learned quickly that Acey was Pat’s girlfriend. They were constantly leaning on each other and smiling; they seemed to be very much in love. I had never had a real boyfriend. Once, when I was fourteen, courtesy of an online chat room, I met a boy named Adem; he was from Turkey. Technically, we dated for four days, before my parents learned that I was talking to strangers in chat rooms, and blocked the site.

“Harper?” Kelsi called my name.

“Yes?”

“You okay?”

I nodded my head. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

She gave me a smile and nodded her head. “Do you mind staying with Jared, Pat and Acey for a minute? Kennedy’s been begging me to dance with him.”

I gave her a small smile. “I don’t mind.”

She nodded her head and turned towards Kennedy, saying a few words before they ventured into the crowded ‘dance floor’ .

“Pat! I love this song,” Acey said.

He laughed and grabbed her hand. “Come on, babe.” They too, followed the pathway of Kelsi and Kennedy, leaving Jared and I standing alone.

“Couples; you gotta love ‘em,” Jared joked.

I smiled and nodded my head. Jared and I didn’t say much. Rather, we both stood there, sipping our drinks occasionally, and every once in awhile, he’d say something, earning either a smile or a nod, or sometimes both, from me. After a few minutes, a girl with jet black hair and red highlights, wearing a short red dress, asked Jared to dance. And like everyone else, he asked me if I minded; my response was a shake of my head.

I stood against the wall with my empty red cup in hand. Everyone seemed to be so lost in their own worlds, that they didn’t realize that I was feeling embarrassed and uneasy about being here. If Libby had wanted to spend her time with Garrett at this party, I didn’t understand why she had insisted I come.

My stomach tied itself in knots, as strangers passed by and gave me a look, letting me know that I was the oddball at this party. Although I had no clue as to whose house this was, or where anything was located, I somehow managed to push my feet out and walk slowly to the opened door. The muggy night air hit me and I sighed; at least the air was cleaner out here, it seemed. I leaned against the front of the house and stared out at the teenagers in the yard. Some were smoking, some were drinking, some were doing both; others were making out or dancing or laughing at something idiotic one of their friends had done.

And then, there was yelling. At first, the words were indecipherable and they seemed far away, but after a moment, the yelling became louder and much closer. I looked around, searching for the source of the noise. After a second, I realized that it was John, and some blond girl yelling at each other.

“You’re such a fucking liar!” the blond yelled, stomping her right foot on the ground.

“What am I lying about, Rory?” John yelled back.

“You know damn well, John! Don’t try and act so fucking innocent!” Rory poked John’s chest with her finger and stared intensely at him.

“I told you that I couldn’t go with you and your family to Europe, and it's the truth! In case you haven’t fucking noticed, I have a family and a life of my own here, Rory! I can’t just pack up and leave because you want me to!”

I listened as they bickered back and forth, each time their words coming out sharper and louder and more hurtful. I covered my ears with my hands and felt my heart drop to my stomach. I hated arguments of any sort with a passion. The yelling was what got to me to the most; the yelling brought back memories of Levy and my parents. The yelling hurt my ears and their hurtful words swirled around in my head. It wasn’t long before tears were clouding my eyes, disabling me from seeing my surroundings. I gasped for a breath of air as I saw Rory smack John across the face. That – that one little action – sent me over the edge. Because, more times than once, I had watched my father do the same thing to Levy. Accuse him of lying and smack him across the face, always leaving a bright, red handprint on his cheek.

”Don’t lie to your mother and I, Levy!” My father’s loud, husky voice boomed throughout our living room.

“I’m not lying! I told you where I was!” Levy defended himself.

“We called your coach, Levy; he told us that you haven’t been showing up to practice for nearly a week straight! Where in the hell have you been sneaking off to?!”

If my father had ever really paid attention to Levy, he would know that Levy hated soccer with a passion. Moreover, he hated the players on the team; each of them teased and mocked Levy in their own way. Even if my brother had never come right out and said he was gay, there was something about his presence that gave it away. However, my parents didn’t want to believe that and they turned their heads at that fact.

“I hate soccer! I hate that whole damn team! I’ve told you and mom countless times! But that’s the problem with you two; you don’t ever listen to what I have to say!”

And that’s when I heard it; the sound of flesh meeting flesh with a loud ‘smack’. It was the first time my father had ever hit either of us. But, it wouldn’t be the last.

As I came back to reality, I realized that my body was now sitting on the concrete porch, and I had my knees pulled to my chest, tears tumbling down my cheeks; I looked like a feeble child. But then again, one could argue that that’s exactly what I was.

“Harper!” John’s voice pierced my ear drums and I heard his footsteps running towards me. “Harper, are you okay? Did something happen?” he asked frantically.

I couldn’t answer him. I only continued to shake with my sobs and John’s hazel orbs looked at me with nothing but concern and worry in them.

“Harper, did someone do something to you? Did someone touch you?”

At that, I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut.

“Where’s Libby?” he asked.

I shook my head once more and he looked around, I assumed searching for someone. After a moment, he reached his hand out in front of me.

“Come on,” he told me.

I looked up at him, barely able to see his face with the tears in my eyes and opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I couldn’t find my voice. I simply placed my hand in his and he pulled me to my feet. He pulled me into his side and even though I wanted to pull away – certain gestures frightened me and this was one of them – I couldn’t bring myself to do it, because I needed to feel like someone was here for me.

“Wh – where are you going?” I asked.

“To find Libby or Jared, so we can borrow their car.”

After a minute of weaving through bodies, we found Jared, who was still dancing with the girl in the red dress.

“Yo, Jared!”

Jared turned his head towards John and then looked at me. He immediately stopped dancing and stood face to face with John.

“What happened?” he asked.

John looked at me and then back at Jared. “Nothing; look, can I borrow your car to take Harper home?”

He nodded his head and grabbed his keys from his pocket. “Yeah, sure; does Libby know she’s leaving?”

John shook his head. “No, she doesn’t. If you see her, tell her for me, okay? I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Jared patted John on the shoulder and nodded his head. He stepped towards me and gave me a quick hug, before walking back to the girl he was dancing with. John grabbed my hand, again, and led us back out to the front of the house. Once we were outside, John wasted no time in finding Jared’s car. He avoided the calls of his name and looks people gave us, focusing on nothing but getting us to that little black car. Once we found it, John opened the passenger door for me, and I thanked him quietly before sitting down. He nodded his head and ran quickly over to the driver’s side, and got in. Before starting the car, he reached under the seat, pulling out a bulky CD case. After flipping through a few pages, he pulled out a silver CD.

“Like Death Cab for Cutie?” he asked me, holding the CD up.

I wiped my eyes and shrugged. “I – I’ve never li – listened to them.”

His eyes went wide and he shook his head. “Harper, we have so much to teach you.” He cackled and put the CD in.

The first song was soft and relaxing, and John pulled out onto the street. He lightly tapped his fingers on the steering wheel while he drove, and I rested my head against the semi-cool window. I hated myself for making John leave the party and for making Libby and everyone else feel obligated to watch me like a baby. But, worst of all, I hated myself for having a breakdown in front of everyone.

“And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose, than to have never lain beside at all. And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground, as the TV entertained itself. ‘Cause there’s no comfort in the waiting room. Just nervous pacers, bracing for bad news. And the nurse comes ‘round and everyone lifts their head. But I’m thinking of what Sarah said; love is watching someone die.”

I listened to John’s soft, velvety voice sing and it brought back the tears to my eyes. Not only were the lyrics sad in itself, but the way John sang each word just hit my heart. It was almost as if he had gone exactly through what the singer was saying. After that song ended, a slightly more upbeat, but mellow song came on and John sang along with that one as well.

Ten minutes later, and John pulled into the driveway of Libby’s house. He turned the radio down and wiped his palms on the front of his jeans, before turning towards me. I looked down at my hands in my lap and felt the tears hit my fingers. I cursed myself for being so emotional.

“Do you, you know, want to talk about it?” he asked me.

I shook my head. I had never talked about Levy’s death with anyone, and I sure as hell was not about to start with a stranger. I felt guilty after thinking that. John wasn’t a stranger. Sure he was, in the sense that I didn’t know much about him, but he didn’t know anything about me either. But, he was nice and friendly and had saved me from staying another minute at that horrible party.

He laid his hand on my knee, which caused me to pick my head up and look at him. However, his hand remained in place. “That’s fine; you don’t have to tell me, Harp. Just so you know, I won’t tell anyone what – ya know – happened. Jared won’t either.”

I nodded my head. “Thank you,” I mumbled, my voice raspy and thick from crying.

He gave me a smile and removed his hand. “You intrigue me, Harper.” I cocked my head to the side, waiting for him to go on. “I mean, you’re so . . . confined in your head. You barely speak and you seem to – I don’t know – hide, in a way.”

I sighed and stared down at my feet in the car, which had my shoes covered with trash.

“I really hope your stay here gets better. And,” he lowered his voice, “don’t feel ashamed for crying, Harp. It happens to everyone. Sometimes we hold things inside for so long, that when we least expect it, it rattles us so badly that we have no choice but to cry, or scream or lash out in some other way. Feelings are a strange thing, ya know. They can twist and tie you in knots.”

I stared at this boy - this tall, brunette, hazel-eyed, perfect teeth boy – and wondered how he could be so . . . ‘deep’, as Libby had put it. Weren’t boys like him to supposed to be the air heads; the ones who used their good looks to do wicked things? At least, that’s how they portrayed it in the movies.

“Thanks, John. For . . . everything.”

He seemed surprised at my talking, which caused both of us to smile. “You’re welcome.”

I opened the door, but before I could get out, John stopped me. He hurriedly ejected the CD from the stereo and held it out to me.

“Everyone deserves to know who Death Cab is. Their music is amazing. It’s relaxing, yet gets you to think about shit you’d normally never think of. Or, at least for me, it does. Just give it a listen to, okay?”

I nodded my head and took the CD from his hand. “Okay.”

He smiled. “Goodnight, Harper.”

“Goodnight, John.”

I shut the door and walked up to the front door of the house. My aunt had given me a key when I arrived and I took the black bracelet from my wrist – which the key was tied on – and opened the door. The house was quiet and dark and I knew my aunt and uncle had to be sleeping. I locked the door and walked upstairs, into my room. I kicked off my shoes and grabbed a pair of shorts and an old tee shirt from my drawers, before walking into the bathroom.

I stared into the mirror, and gasped. The eye make-up Kelsi and Libby had worked so hard to perfect, was now nothing but streaks and blobs on my face. How John had managed not to laugh at me was beyond comprehension. I washed my face and changed and threw the clothes I had worn at the party onto my closet floor; I’d hang them up later. I grabbed the CD John had given me from the dresser and inserted it into the hard drive of my laptop. While I waited for the computer to recognize the CD, I grabbed Levys’ notebook from the bottom dresser drawer and resumed my place on my bed. I placed the ear buds into my ears, and with the faint light from my laptop, I read Levy’s second entry.

September 10th, 2008

Today was what I would call a ‘low day’. Nothing seemed to go right and on top of that, I got a D on a test in my math class. I guess it’s my fault really, because I’ve been skipping the class lately. But, I can’t bring myself to sit in a room where I’m not welcomed. It started with Tad, and then Jimmy, and then Michael, and now it’s pretty much everyone in the classroom. They all seem to know, but instead of asking me about it, they choose to tease me. There’s not much I can do, I guess. It’s people like them that make me hate myself. I hate myself for what I am – gay. I hate myself because I cannot change that fact. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard but nothing works. And then, I look at my sister, Harper, and I wonder if maybe, just maybe, she’d understand. We’ve always been pretty close, but I’m afraid that this secret may be the thing that tears us apart – that this secret, will be the one that makes her look at me, like they look at me.

I couldn’t read anymore, as the tears were obscuring my vision. I shut the notebook and slid it under my pillow and allowed the tears to fall down the sides of my face. The soft music of Death Cab for Cutie was lulling me to sleep, along with my crying, but I couldn’t shake Levy’s entry from my mind. No person, I don’t care who they are, deserves to ever feel that way about themselves, because of something they have no control over. With that thought, I closed my eyes and continued listening to the music. Maybe John was right . . . maybe their music was making me think. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands and turned onto my side.

Maybe I could tell John what happened and how it happened. Maybe he’d be the one I revealed my real feelings too. However, I knew that even though I liked the idea of being friends with John, it would take some time before I even began to open up to him. But even that, for me, was an improvement.