Days of the Old

Pacing doesn’t do anything to help speed up time, especially when you’re as confused as I was. If anything, it only slows it down. But walking around my bedroom as I impatiently waited for Tyler to pick up his phone, pacing was all that I seemed capable of.

I tried three times, and I was really wishing I’d get a new cell phone, or at least remember to change the service plans on my old clunker of a pre-paid cell phone so it would work here. I didn’t text or even use it often, only when I couldn’t reach Tyler on a landline. It wasn’t as if I was illiterate when it came to that stuff, it was just that I always could reach him at his house. Either that or he was with me, anyway.

A half an hour later was when I realized that pacing wouldn’t do anything, and I collapsed onto my bed with a sigh. Yet another question was added to the list; where was Tyler? It would have been stupid of me to think that after I’d left he wouldn’t hang out with his other friends more, but this was the first time I wasn’t able to reach him at all and I was a little worried over it.

Maybe he’s on MSN. With that thought, I was off my bed and at my desk in a split second, hurriedly signing back into my Messenger. My heart dropped when he wasn’t on the ‘online’ list, and I was stumped. Eventually, I began swivelling around my chair and looking up at the ceiling at the same time.

Another half an hour passed and I figured I’d try his home phone again. “Hello?” My heart swelled with hope at the sound of Derek’s voice, and I would’ve stayed to talk to him a little, but I needed to talk to Tyler before I could even think about that.

“Hey Derek,” I tried my best to sound as not-stressed as possible. “Is Tyler there?”

“Ah no, sorry Patey. He’s at uh... Luke’s house.” His voice held confusion, probably because he had no idea who Luke was.

But I did. Luke was the school druggie, and as soon as I had heard his name in the same sentence with Tyler’s, my heart dropped into my stomach for the second time that night. It took all of my brain power to form a coherent reply. “Oh—okay, I guess I’ll try again later.”

“Alright, talk ya’ later P-Bear.” I ignored his use of my most-hated nickname and replied with a jumbled goodbye before hanging up. I threw the phone on my bed and stared at it as if it were about to eat me.

Tyler wouldn’t go back on his promise, would he? No, of course he wouldn’t. That was only something I would do. But then again, what made me think that if I didn’t keep my promise, that he would? That was the deal, after all.

No, I was getting ahead of myself. I hadn’t exactly broken mine yet, I had only been here for three days. And in those three days, Matt and I hadn’t gotten into a single argument. That had to count for something, right? I hadn’t even gone that long while I was with my mom without getting into one with her. Tyler would think I was doing well.

I forced myself to stop thinking completely at least about the big things. I was too overwhelmed. Everything was just so complicated. If I continued, I would have broken down in minutes. It had been a record so far, I hadn’t cried in the three days I’d been there, and I really wanted to keep that streak going.

To keep my thoughts from wandering to anything important, my eyes began scanning around the room, looking for something to do. I had played more Call of Duty and Nazi Zombies in the past three days than ever before, so my Xbox wasn’t appealing at that moment.

The end of my guitar case could be seen jutting out from under my bed. It straight away caught my attention and my fingers began itching as soon as I caught sight of it. I hadn’t played in since that night with Tyler. The thing was, I still didn’t have an amp. Apparently it was still in the process of being freighted out.

Whatever, I finally sighed, I’ll play without it. It wasn’t like I would if I had my amp anyway, if I still didn’t want Matt knowing just how well I played. Once I made sure my door was locked, I took my guitar out and began playing random riffs, not being able to decide on what to play.

Writing a song had never really crossed my mind before. I was happy with just jamming along with Tyler. But now that I was by myself, all alone with my guitar, I found myself creating a melody before I even knew what I was doing.

Before, I actually thought I was incapable of writing a song. I actually thought the task of writing an entire song, with lyrics, was quite intimidating. But it was just coming to me so naturally, I couldn’t stop myself. I began humming along with it softly, but not attempting to form lyrics, yet. I would just focus on the guitar part, but I knew there were lyrics forming somewhere, so I wasn’t really worried about it.

It seemed like only minutes had passed when I checked the clock on my nightstand, and my eyes bugged at the time. It had been hours, the minutes inching closer and closer to midnight. I had to admit to, I was proud of the song I’d just written. It was slow yet powerful, and had a kickass solo. And as much as I still found it intimidating, I couldn’t wait to get started on the lyrics.

When I let out a yawn, I realized just how tired I was and sighed as I put my guitar back in its case and went back over to my laptop, checking one more time to see if Tyler was online. I knew that was a long shot though, as it was at least four AM back home.

I was right, he wasn’t online as I’d been suspecting and I obviously couldn’t phone his house. So I finally came to the realization that I wasn’t going to get the chance to talk to him that night. I unlocked my door and placed my guitar back under my bed, the melody was still stuck in my head and I was still humming to it. However, I would take that over being worried out of my mind about Tyler.

Finally, I settled on going to sleep and changed into an oversized Metallica t-shirt and some boxers. Sleeping through the wait to talk to Tyler would be much easier than staying up with all these things on my mind.

“Mini-Me! Wake the fuck up!”

That was what I woke up to, Jimmy screaming it right in my ear. I groaned and rolled over, trying to get as far away from him but still be in bed. Did he ever go home? It couldn’t have been any later than ten AM. “Some dude named Tyler’s on the phone for you!” He said in a sing song voice, still right next to my head.

At hearing that, I was up, snatching the phone from him and shooing him out the door in seconds. “Hey Ty!” I said, trying my best to sound awake.

“Well geez! I can see when I’m not wanted!” Jimmy yelled in a huff through my door, and I heard his fast, heavy footsteps retreating down the hall. I couldn’t help but smile at his fake-hurt.

“Sup P?” He asked immediately, already sensing something was wrong.

The smile instantly dropped as I remembered why I was so desperate to get in touch with him, and why I couldn’t at all. “I called your house last night and your dad said you were out with Luke.” I stated, worry in my tone.

“Relax, Payton. I swear I wasn’t doing anything like that with him.”

“You sure about that?” I asked apprehensively, not sure whether I should believe him. I moved away from my door and sat in my computer chair, staring up at the ceiling.

“Yep, that’d be breaking my promise, wouldn’t it P? You know I wouldn’t do that right?” There wasn’t even a hint of hesitation or nervousness in his voice, so I took it as the truth, and I began feeling bad for doubting him.

“I know that, Tina. I was just making sure.”

“Now tell me what’s wrong.” He said, and I let out a groan. I had no idea how to even begin telling him about all the crap that was going through my head.

“I’ve never been so confused in my entire life, Ty.” I finally said after a few moments, already feeling better just by saying that.

“I’m guessing this is about your dad,” He started, and I could hear the confusion in his voice. I mentally cussed myself out for not telling him about anything up until then.

“I’m just—I don’t know how to act around him, if I should be nice, or how to even start a conversation with him. Things are just so awkward. And there are so many questions I need to ask him, Ty. And I have no clue on how to ask him.”

“Awe, Patey.” He sighed. “I wish I was there with you. Just sit him down and talk to him alone. You’d be surprised by how nice he is, and I know he’s just dying to talk to you.”

“How do you know that?” I sighed and closed my eyes. “How do you know he’s if he’s nice or not? And if he wants to talk to me? He probably doesn’t even want me here. I bet he just felt obligated to take me in or something.”

“Well, I, uh... you know, Payton he’s your dad and everything. It’s pretty obvious that he’s nice.”

I grew suspicious. He sounded nervous. And he was only nervous when he was lying or when he did something he knew was wrong. “What,” I started, not knowing what he could have possibly done. “What the fuck did you do, Tyler?”

“It was nothing, Payton. I just talked to him on the phone for a while and on MSN. Poor guy’s just as confused as you--”

“Why in sweet fuck would you do something like that?!” I cut him off and completely blew up at him. Why would he go behind my back and not tell me he was talking to Matt?

Everything was all beginning to click together. Matt had been on my MSN talking to Tyler. That was my MSN conversation with him was gone when I got back up stairs. And what made it worse was Matt lied about it himself, so they must have been talking about something I wouldn’t want them talking about.

“I’m sorry, Payton! He’s just really worried about you!” He was growing defensive, which was something I wasn’t expecting. “All we’re trying to do is help you get through this.”

As I was about to reply, I heard a knock on my door. “We’re gonna talk about this later.” I growled into the phone before hanging up on him. I cussed as I went back over to the door.

Well, today’s off to a wonderful start. I thought sarcastically, but my thoughts grew much darker when I saw who was at the door. “Why did Brian say you were gone to get beer yesterday when you weren’t?” I asked calmly, giving him another chance to confess.

If he owned up, it wouldn’t be as bad. But no. All he did was shrug and smile, looking almost lost as to why I was asking him again.

Amazingly, I somehow kept my cool, but my tone grew accusing. “Why the fuck were you in my room last night?” I asked, letting him know that I knew what he and Tyler had been doing.

Leaning against the doorframe, he stared at me for a few moments, trying to gauge just how pissed off I was. He didn’t look surprised at all. “Payton,” He finally sighed, “All we’re trying to do is help you.”

“What gives you the right to snoop in my shit, huh?” I yelled, crossing my arms over my chest. “What makes you think that you can talk to my best friend about me behind my back?!”

I could tell he was quickly losing his patience, and I tried to move around him so I could leave. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I’d didn’t need to hear anything else. Before I could stop him he made his way into my room and shut the door, standing in front of it so I could get through. “What else did you expect me to do? I know you’ve only been here for a few days, but I don’t know what to do to get you to open up to me!”

Open up to him? Was he insane? Couldn’t he tell that I was practically bursting with questions? How stupid could he have been not to be able to tell?

“Well, hmm! You could have talked to me instead of my best fucking friend!” I backed up when he took a step forward, I didn’t like him being so close and having to look up that far to meet his eyes.

“Every time I try to talk to you, you just brush me off or give me a one word answer!” I scoffed, he certainly could have tried a little harder.

Pushing past him, I was out the door before he could even blink. I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I couldn’t handle staying the same room as him. I picked up my pace when I heard his fast footsteps trailing behind me. “Just leave me the fuck alone, Matt!” I yelled, still keeping the same pace.

“See, like that,” Once we got to the stair case I whipped around to glare at him. He gestured toward me. “You’re doing it again!”

Leana and Jimmy poked their heads out from behind the archway that led to the living room, but I paid no attention to them. I was in a beyond pissed, and it took everything in me to stop myself from lashing out at Matt. My voice became cold. “In case you forgot, my mother died three weeks ago. I haven’t even known you for a full week!” His eyes softened considerably, but he still looked determined about something I didn’t know about. “I was ripped away from everyone and everything I know and love, Matt. What else can you fucking expect?”

He sighed and ran a hand down his face before locking his eyes with mine. “I’m sorry, Payton.”

“No, sorry doesn’t fucking work for me.” I turned on my heel and began to make my way back to my room. Tears were about to fall at any moment, and it would make it that much worse if Matt, and Jimmy and Leana saw me crying. I stiffened and when he put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from going back to my room.

“We’re gonna talk this out, Payton.” That was what he was determined about. There was no way I could talk to him then, the questions I wanted to ask didn’t even matter at that moment. I just needed to get back to my room before I broke something or they saw that I was crying. I couldn’t contain my tears and they were freely streaming down my face, which meant I couldn’t turn to face Matt.

Quickly shrugging out of his grip, I took off before he could stop me, heading straight for my room. I slammed my door shut and locked it, then whirled around to stare blankly at my room. I needed to break something.

“Please open the door Payton, I’m sorry,” I jumped at the sound of Matt’s voice behind my door, he must have been right behind me. “Come on, please Payton? I just wanna talk.”

Ignoring him, I held my face in my hands. Everything was just too much. I wanted to talk, yet I didn’t. I was mad at him, yet I wanted to forgive him. I was angry with Tyler. I was angry with everything. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to tell him to go away but I didn’t trust my voice. “Payton, just open the door!”

“Just--” I tried to conceal the sobs, but I didn’t care anymore. It wasn’t as if he could actually see me or confront me from behind the door. “Just go the fuck away, Matt!”

After a few moments of silence, I heard a long, exasperated sigh and his footsteps retreating back down the hall. I let out the breath I’d been holding and let myself completely break down. Still holding my face in my hands, I walked across my room, not knowing why I was, but just feeling like I had to keep moving.

My breathing was ragged, and I can’t remember the last time I’d had so many mixed emotions at the same time. In a blind rage, my hand reached out and knocked something over on my desk. Honestly, I didn’t even realize what I did until it was done, and I heard the familiar sound of glass and ceramic shattering. I shuddered at the sound and clenched my jaw, too scared to look at what I had broken.

Mainly because I knew what it was, and I didn’t want to actually look at it and realize what I had done. Finally, I let out a sigh and peaked at it through my fingers. My favourite picture of my mother and I lay on the floor, the ceramic frame we’d decorated together completely shattered. Frantically, I dropped to my knees, not even trying to stop the tears anymore as I attempted to salvage something from it. I carefully picked the picture up and dusted it off before hugging it too my chest.

Kneeling over the broken frame, I let out soundless sobs as I clutched the picture tighter to my chest with each broken sob I emitted. That was the only memory of her I had brought with me and I destroyed it. Why was I so stupid? Why couldn’t I control my anger? Why couldn’t I have just let Matt in my room, why couldn’t I forgive anyone? I regretted blowing up at Tyler; I knew he was only trying to help me keep my promise with Matt.

I wanted to desperately to travel back in time, warn my mother about her car. She would still be here today if I weren’t so forgetful. I would still be back home with Tyler and I would be completely oblivious to Matt being my father.

But I wasn’t, and things would never be the same. I’d lost my mother and my entire life as I knew it and I didn’t know how to deal with the new one I’d been given. I didn’t know how to deal with new relationships; I didn’t know how to deal with all of these foreign feelings. Part of me didn’t even want to.

Life was throwing punches at me, and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to recover from them. I had no one to talk to, I had no one to hug and no one to tell me that everything was going to be okay, and it was all my fault.