Days of the Old

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He said with a sigh after a few moments had passed. Yes, I was sorry I had been ignoring his for the past two weeks, but I didn’t want to admit that out loud, and I was thankful that he had said that, so I didn’t have to explain myself. He glanced over at me before focusing back on the road.

Slowly, I kept my gaze on him as I nodded, unsure of what to say next. I really should have thought this through a little more.

“Really Payton, you reacted how anyone would. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m just,” He paused and gave me another quick look. “We’re worried about you. Everyone is.”

“It’s—it’s okay,” I think that was what he wanted me to say. I stopped and paused again. This was the perfect time to ask him, that was what he wanted. He wanted me to talk to him. It was just the right time, we were in the car alone, and he was basically begging me to open up to him. My chance to finally ask all of the questions that I had been dying to know.

But then Matt parked.

I wanted to groan and throw my head back against the seat, and Matt smiled over at me, his keys held loosely in his hand. But his eyes held a certain look of disappointment. I tore my eyes away from his and looked past him, not being able to hold his gaze for anymore than a second. I’d just blown my one shot at talking to him.

We were across the street from an AT&T store, and as soon as I saw the sign I began getting out of the car, Matt quickly following as we crossed the street. I just had to get out of the car, because if I said anything then, it would be rushed, and I couldn’t rush it. When we got into the store, I let Matt lead, seeing as I didn’t really know where to go.

A middle aged man smiled at us from behind the desk at the back of the store, but let us browse around. I let Matt wander off while I scanned past all of the phones, looking for one that caught my eye. I looked up when I heard talking, and I saw that Matt was talking to the guy behind the desk.

Nothing had gotten my attention, and I sighed before joining Matt at the counter. I didn’t even really care what kind of phone I got, it was like I was going to use it all the time. Hell, I wouldn’t have even cared if I just kept my old one and got a new service plan for it.

“See anything you like?” Matt asked after he was finished talking with the man, who, from looking at his nametag, I figured out was named Daryl. I just shrugged, looking defeated. He turned back toward Daryl. “She’ll have an iPhone.”

“Matt,” I started, having an idea of just how much they cost, and I didn’t want him spending that much on a stupid phone for me. “Seriously, I don’t need an iPhone--”

I raised my eyebrows when he held up his hand to cut me off, and continued talking to Daryl as if he hadn’t even heard me. Pouting, I crossed my arms and glared at the floor. Fine, if he was going to be like that, he could waste his money on whatever he wanted.

"If you think that was too much money to spend on something, just wait 'til the girls take you on a shopping spree." Matt laughed as we exited the store, my new acquired iPhone in my hand. I visibly gulped, and Matt continued to laugh at my stricken expression as we got back into the SUV. I couldn’t' t help but smile, it felt nice to be so care free, even if it was just for a little while.

The ride back to the house was silent, at least for the first half, but Matt began throwing his worried glances over at me again, and I knew he wanted to talk. Sighing, I laid my phone in my lap and looked back at him, trying not to be annoyed with how he worried over me so much. After all, I couldn't say that it wasn't my fault for his worrying, because I wouldn't open up to him.

He quickly noticed that I wasn't playing with my phone anymore and smiled, almost apprehensively. "So," He started, sounding hesitant and kept his eyes on the road. "You gonna phone Tyler when you get home?"

I swallowed, not expecting him to say that, and for it to be so blunt. "Uh--" I honestly didn't know if I was. I was scared of what he would say, what if things had changed over the last few weeks, what if he didn’t forgive me? What if I completely blew it this time? "I—I guess." I finally muttered and leaned my head against the window.

He smiled again, I was betting he was going to hold me to it. "Alright," He said, and I was surprised to find that we were now on our street, just before the driveway. I was expecting it to take much longer to get home, just because of how long the drive to the paintball park had been. "Well, once you're finished with that, come back downstairs, okay?"

"Okay." I mumbled, beginning to panic once we got out of the SUV. I was really going to phone Tyler, and I was going to face hearing the disappointment in his voice. I just hoped I could handle it. When I got my shoes off in the foyer, it was almost shocking. The house was eerily quiet, and I remembered that Val wasn't here to greet us, but I couldn't help but wonder where the guys were.

"I think everyone's hanging out at Jimmy's for a change." Matt said, answering my unasked question. Silently, I nodded, realizing that this was the first time in weeks that I had been completely alone with Matt.

Quickly, I climbed the stairs and went into my room, because if I didn't, Matt would more than likely pressure me into it. And I didn't get by well under pressure, I liked doing things on my own time so I had more of a chance at getting it right.

Matt and I were on better terms. I felt like I didn't have a reason not to contact Tyler, and that I'd just be letting him down even more if I put it off any longer. This was the longest we had gone without speaking to each other, and I was worried that he wouldn't even want to talk to me at all. What if he never wanted to talk to me ever again? My hands shook as I clutched my iPhone in my hand and sat on my bed, staring down at it for a few minutes.

Finally, I hurriedly dialled Tyler's number, not giving myself anymore time to think about it. I chose to phone his cell, as I knew if Derek or Melissa answered the home phone, they would ask why I hadn't called in such a long time. I just couldn't deal with that yet, I had to make up with Tyler first. That was my number one priority and everything else could wait.

"Hello?" My hearted thudded in my ears as I heard his voice for the first time in weeks, and I completely froze, my phone still held to my ear. I was relieved by just hearing his voice. “Hello?” He repeated, and I heard shuffling in the background. “Uh... yeah, I’m gonna hang up now.”

“—Wait!” I finally gasped out, and I smacked my forehead, I could have said something so much better.

“Payton? Is that you?” He sounded as if he couldn’t believe it was me on the other end, and I smiled in relief. As shocked as he sounded, he also sounded almost hopeful.

“Yeah Ty, it’s me.” I replied after I let a few moments pass.

“Oh my god, Payton I am so sorry, I just—I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how you were doing, and Matt he’s just really--”

“Tyler,” I said, trying to grab his attention but he continued his endless rambling. I was still in shock, he was actually sorry? I hadn’t expected that, but it was Tyler. “Tyler!” I said loudly, and I was thankful when there was silence on the other end.

“Listen, Ty, I’m sorry. I overreacted. Just say you forgive me, I can’t stand not talking to you anymore.” There was more silence on the other end, and I was almost scared that he had hung up. “Tina? You still there?”

“Are you crazy?” He asked, frustration clear in his voice. “You don’t—I’m the one who should be asking you to forgive me!”

He’d never been so mad at me before, and I never expecting it to be over something like who was to blame. “Look,” I sighed and laid back on my bed. “We both fucked up, okay? Can we just forget about it?”

Honestly, I was expecting a completely different reaction. He didn’t sound disappointed in me, if anything he sounded remorseful. While I would admit that he didn’t do the right thing, I didn’t believe that he should have been that apologetic. But that was just Tyler, he had too big of a heart. He just wanted everyone to get along.

“Alright, alright,” He said, and relief almost instantaneously washed over me. I was overjoyed to have that conversation over with, and quickly carried on to another subject, not wanting to give him any time to think he was still at fault.

“So what have you been up to for the past few weeks?” I asked, genuinely interested.

I heard the smile in his voice and I knew that he had figured out I’d changed the subject. “Oh, not much, I started school and stuff. Been hanging out with Luke a little bit.”

“Tina!” I gasped, immediately thinking the worst and bolted up right in bed, my free hand covering my mouth.

“None of that, P, I promise. I swear we just hung out.”

“Good,” I let out the breath I’d been holding and leaned back against my bed again. “Cause if you were, I swear I’d be on the plane so fast, Tina. And I’d totally kick your ass, and Luke’s too.”

He laughed, I could tell just from the sound of it that he wasn’t lying about anything. I didn’t have any right to suspect anything, anyway. “What about you? What have you been doing?”

“I just got back from playing paintball with the guys, and Matt bought me a new iPhone, which is what I’m calling you on.” I answered, now relaxed because we were on an easy topic.

“So you’re getting along? You’re not mad at him?”

“No, I’m not mad at him. Not anymore at least.” We talked for a few more minutes, about nothing and everything at the same time. Although we weren’t talking about anything too important, I felt that we needed to talk like this and not worry about anything. I didn’t know how I made it the past few weeks without having one of those conversations with him.

After we said goodbye, I stayed on my bed for a few more minutes, just staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought. Things finally seemed like they were getting better, and I felt as content as I could be. After all, Matt and I weren’t at each other’s throats, and Tyler and I were best friends again. Everything would be perfect if I just had my mother back.

It was as if I reopened a wound in my heart as I thought about her, but I couldn’t allow myself to cry, because I distinctly remembered Matt telling me to come downstairs when I was finished with talking to Tyler. And I was pretty sure that he would notice my tear-stained face, and that he would ask about it.

I shuddered at the thought of trying to explain that I’d been crying to him, he’d ask why because he probably thought I was a little happier. But could I ever be as happy as I was when Mom was alive? The thought of it seemed cruel, that I could be so happy and carefree with her gone.

Sighing, I got up from my and left my room, refusing to look over to where her picture was still left unframed on my desk. Matt smiled from behind the island n the kitchen once he saw me, but his smile tightened and he looked almost worried. “Did you talk to Tyler?” Hesitantly, I nodded. “Well what’s wrong?” He asked, leaning over the island a little to get a better look at me.

God, was I that easy to read? I quickly plastered a smile on my face. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

He stared at me for a few more moments and I shuffled uncomfortably under his gaze. He didn’t look like he believed me at all, but sighed and looked behind me, causing me to see what he was looking at.

About a dozen or more movies were stacked on a small end table, and I picked them up, looking at the sides of them for their titles. Everything from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs to Saw V were included in the pile, and I looked at Matt curiously.

“Val was afraid we’d get bored without her,” He chuckled slightly and spread out all of the DVD’s after I placed them on the counter. “So she went out of her way to make sure there we had more than enough entertainment. Which one do you wanna watch first?”

For the umpteenth time that day, I raised my eyebrows. So much for going back up in my room. I rubbed the back of my neck, staring down at them and pointed to Sweeney Todd. Matt grinned. “Good choice.”

I was sitting on one of the sofas in the living room with the remote in my hand, having just finished setting everything up when Matt came in with several cans of Coca-Cola and a huge bowl of popcorn. “Listen, Payton,” He started after he set everything on the coffee table. “I’m just gonna lay it all out, okay?” He took the remote out of my hand and placed it beside the bowl of popcorn.

Anxiously, I ran a hand through my hair, waiting for him to continue. “You have to start school.” He said, keeping his lips pressed together as he gauged my reaction.

Nervousness welled up in the pit of my stomach, and I sighed, caught off guard. I wasn’t expecting him to say that. But I hadn’t been to school in over a month, and I had to start sometime, didn’t I? I would try to put it off for as long as possible, though. I snapped my eyes open and looked up at him pleadingly. “Do I have to?” He almost looked relieved for a moment and nodded. “When?”

“Next Monday.” I grimaced and attempted to fake a smile, but he saw straight through it. “It won’t be so bad, I went there! And Zacky and Jimmy!” When that didn’t make me feel better, he sighed. “We have to fill out some forms and stuff tomorrow and you have to pick out your courses, okay?”

I shrugged, not wanting to give him a straight answer because I was probably going to put up a fight about all of it. Surely a few more weeks off wouldn’t hurt, would it? He cleared his throat and fidgeted in his seat slightly, and I knew he was going to say something else that I more than likely wouldn’t like. “You remember what I said a few weeks ago, right? That you can talk to me any time?”

This was it; this was another chance to ask him. My foot began bouncing and I anxiously drummed my fingers against my knee, faltering. His expression soon grew worried. “Matt—did you, before my—I mean...” I sighed and leaned back, closing my eyes as I rested my head against the back of the sofa. I had to get this out, even if it’s just this one question.

“Slow down, Payton. Take your time, the movie can wait.” I’d actually forgotten all about the movie, but I was thankful to hear that he wasn’t in any kind of rush.

“Did you...” I paused, praying my mouth would cooperate. “Did you know about me? I mean like, before my mom--” I didn’t continue, still not being able to admit it out loud that my mother died, but understanding quickly washed over his face, and he gave me a look of sympathy.

“No, Payton. I didn’t.” He sounded completely sincere, and I didn’t doubt his honesty for a second. “Your mom, she just... left, a week before I was supposed to go on tour.”

This was obviously all news to me, and it took me a moment to digest it. My mother probably left because of Matt being in a band. She was like that, she always did everything for everyone, even if she had to sacrifice her own happiness for someone else. But I wasn’t going to resent Matt for that. My mother made her own choices, and I wasn’t mad at her for that either. I’d grown up well enough, she did the best she could with me. And if she thought that leaving Matt all those years ago was a good idea, it probably was at the time.

I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, I was just happy that I’d the gotten the answer to the one question that I had worried most about. I smiled up at him, trying to mean it. If mom just left, he wouldn’t know the answers to my other questions, like why my mom had moved so far away, but I guessed that no one else did. Maybe Melissa, but I sort of doubted that. But at that moment, I was just happy with the answers I had gotten. I could figure out the rest later.

Snow mixed with rain pelted down onto the windshield, so swiftly that the driver could barely see through it. I heard a sigh, and I looked over from my place in the passenger seat. My heart leaped into my throat when I saw who it was, my mother. Her hair was still as blonde as ever, her eyes still a vibrant blue. Yet she looked stressed, about what, I didn't know. She glanced at the clock and let out another heavy sigh before gripping the steering wheel a little tighter as she accelerated a little more.

"No, you’re going too fast!” I tried to scream, but as the words got stuck in my throat and it felt as if I was suffocating. My hands went up to my throat, trying to ease up the tension. I needed to tell my mother to slow down, that she would get in an accident if she didn’t.

Then, just like that. I wasn't in the car anymore, but watching it from a distance. Wind whipped around me harshly, burning me with it freezing gusts. The PT Cruiser was driving down the road, much faster than it should have been in such poor weather conditions. I wanted to scream again, but coughed as I felt my throat close up even more.

The dim headlights of a car emerging from a side road caught my eye, and I let out a strangled sob. It was going even faster than my mother’s car. "No, Mom! Slow down! Please!"

I was back in the car with her again, and I felt like the losing the grip I had on the last bit of life I had left. “Slow down, slow down!” She sent another worried glance at the clock, oblivious to the headlights in the distance. I was helpless, I couldn’t help my mother. I couldn't speak; it was as if my physical body wasn't even there. Just my mind as I had to witness everything. I couldn’t help her.

My mom tore her eyes away from the clock again and kept her gaze on the road. That's when she saw the other car, but it was too late. Her eyes widened, and she began frantically stomping on the breaks, but nothing happened. They didn't work. She looked back up at the other car, which was coming from the right; it was almost on top of her now. I couldn't do anything! I couldn't help her and I let out another silent sob, still scratching at my throat as I stared helplessly.

Her scream echoed through the car and I clenched my eyes shut. No, no, no. When I opened them, I was outside again, the wind still tearing into my t-shirt, shorts, and sandal-clad body. The two cars were right on top of each other then, and I fell to my knees as they collided. The nauseating crushing sound of metal against metal seemed to overpower the roar of the wind, it was right in my ears, it was all I could hear. And then, above all else, my mother’s helpless scream.

I jolted upright, my breathing erratic. I couldn’t catch my breath and my hands trembled uncontrollably as I clutched the leather of the sofa. It was pitch black, I couldn’t see anything. And for a moment, I thought I was blind. I could hear the rain against the windows and shuddered as I thought about my dream. It felt so real, I wasn’t fully awake yet and almost thought I was still in my dream.

My heart raced and pounded in my ears. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I was in the living room, but I couldn’t see anything. I jumped and clasped a hand over my mouth to keep back a whimper as I heard another clap of thunder.

The lightning momentarily lit up the room, and I noticed a figure in the archway, and began panicking even more. “Payton?” I faintly recognized the voice and tried to reply, but it was as if I still couldn’t speak. My breaths became shorter and deeper, and I shut my eyes as a bright light was shined in my eyes. “Payton, are you okay?”

It seemed like he was right there beside me in a split second, and I jumped again as he gently placed his hand on my shoulder. The flashlight was shined in my face yet again, but it was angled so it wasn’t directly in my eyes. I slowly opened my eyes and looked up at him, still completely panicked.

This sort of thing wasn’t new. The dream was, but this kind of panic attack wasn’t. But Matt didn’t know about them, and he didn’t know what was wrong with me. My mother’s screamed echoed in my ears I leaned forward slightly, my hand still clasped over my mouth. “What’s wrong, Payton?” Matt asked frantically, wiping away the tears I didn’t even know had fallen. “Did you have a bad dream?” All I could do was nod, still not being able to find my voice.

My body still shook and I tensed even more when Matt pulled me onto his lap, bringing me into a hug. Slowly, I let my hand down and slowly wrapped my arms around his middle. I needed this hug. I needed someone there with me, and Matt would just have to do. Although he had wiped my tears, I still didn’t want him to see my crying, and I buried my head in his shirt, letting out silent sobs.

Her scream kept playing in my ears, over and over again, always having the same impact. It seemed like no matter what I tried to do, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. They slowed down after a few minutes though, but did not stop completely.

Would it ever end? I just wanted her back. A few more minutes passed and I’d calmed down a little more, to the point where I only occasionally sniffled, but other than that, I just kept my head buried into Matt’s chest. I was embarrassed that I’d completely let my guard down around him. That hadn’t happened since the first night I met him, and like then, I couldn’t control myself.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Matt asked softly, startling me out of my thoughts.

I was about to say no on reflex, a hell no at that, but I found myself actually wanting to talk about it. I wanted to tell him about my dream. I let out a shaky breath and hoped my voice would be back. “It—it was about... it was about my mom.”