Days of the Old

I exhaled slowly, staring up at my ceiling with glassy eyes. I just wanted to go back to sleep, I didn’t want to deal with anyone or anything. I just wanted to sleep forever. To forget about everything. To dream happy dreams.

This was what it was like since she died. The funeral was just over a week ago, and I hadn’t thought about it since I left the cemetery. The house was so empty and void without her, I only went out of my room to shower or get something to eat. I hadn’t eaten in almost twenty four hours though, and I was really beginning to feel it.

She could always be found in the kitchen, cooking whatever she could think up. She was a chef, and nothing felt the same without the smell of her just-baked food that wafted its way in from under my door.

What would she say if she saw me now? She would tell my not to be sad, to carry on without her. I knew that, but I just didn’t want to. It just seemed so hard. I’d never felt so alone in my life. I spent my days sleeping and my nights watching cheesy infomercials until the sun came up, which was usually when I felt I was able to go to sleep.

I thought about my mother’s car down in our basement garage. Why had they brought it back here? To torment me even further? I wouldn’t be able to bear looking at it. I should have told them to haul it off to the junk yard, but they said there were still some personal belongings that I could salvage.

A soft knock echoed through my room and my door creaked open, but I didn’t acknowledge whoever was there. It could only be Tyler, since he and his parents were the only ones who knew I was here.

I was supposed to be living with him and his parents until they found my ‘father’. Although they wanted me to stay over to their house, they considered me responsible enough to live here on my own for a couple of weeks if I wanted to.

“Hey, Patey,” He said as he peaked his head into my room, using my nickname. “How’ya feelin’?”

His hazel eyes shone with concern and sympathy. I tore my eyes away from my ceiling and locked eyes with him, cracking a small, futile smile. I didn’t reply though, since the state of my room was obvious to how I was feeling. Clothes were strewn everywhere and you couldn’t see the floor anymore. All of it was the result of two weeks of complete pain and sorrow. I used to be such a neat freak; everything had to be in its rightful place. Now, I just didn’t have the strength. I didn’t care enough to clean the place up yet.

“Come out in the living room with me,” He continued, “You need to meet someone.”

I stiffened at his words and looked away, turn over so I was facing the wall and away from him. Who could he possibly want me to meet? Couldn’t he see that I clearly wasn’t up to meeting anyone? I wasn’t even aware that he was here until he knocked on my bedroom door. “Go away, Tina,” I said, calling him by his nickname. It was the first time since my mom that I used it, so I liked to think of it as progress, it didn’t matter how miniscule it was. It was progress.

He ignored the coldness in my tone and finally came into my room, my mattress giving a small squeak as he sat on it.

Even though it was so vacant and empty now, I felt more attached to this house than ever. I felt his hand clasp around my shoulder comfortingly. “Your dad’s here.”

If it was possible, I stiffened even more. Tyler wasn’t that much of an idiot; he wouldn’t just bring some random person here for me to meet at a time like this. I quickly grew angry, why hadn't he given me a fair warning? I needed to mentally prepare myself for this. I had so many questions, but I had no idea how to word them. I was confused. Why hadn’t he been there before? Why did he decide that he wanted to be in my life now? Why couldn’t he just let me live with Tyler and his parents?

I snapped up into a sitting position on my bed, focusing my glare on Tyler. “What?”

That was all I could say. That and why? But I didn’t think Tyler knew the answer. He took hold of my hand and gently tugged, trying to get me up and out of my room before I blew up. There were so many things I could and would throw at him in my room, whereas in somewhere like the hall, all I had were my fists.

“Tyler!” I whispered harshly, holding onto his hand in a panic-stricken grip. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?! Oh my god!” If I couldn’t calm myself down soon, I knew I would have a panic attack, and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.

My reaction seemed to surprise him; I guess he had never really seen me scared like this before.

“Hey, come on,” He said as he brought me into a warm hug, stroking my hair as he did so. We were never this touchy-feely before, but I had to say, I needed it at that moment. I didn’t know if I could do this with him by my side, let alone by myself. “I’ll be there with you, it won’t be so bad.” I could hear a smile in his voice, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.

“Alright... alright.” I mumbled and sighed as I pulled away, knowing this wasn’t going to turn out well.

I anxiously rubbed the back of my neck as Tina and I got up and walked out of my room, my nerves building up even more. I felt like I was gonna be sick, like I could just flop onto the ground at any second, a cold chunk, leaving Tyler and my stranger of a father for at least a few minutes.

Fainting was actually beginning to sound appealing to me, at least then I wouldn’t have to meet my ‘father’ for at least a few minutes. I stayed several paces behind Tyler, my head down as I followed him out to the living room. He abruptly stopped when he got to the archway, and I had to skid to stop myself from crashing into him.

He smiled slightly and stepped aside, gesturing for me to go ahead of him. I couldn’t see my father yet, and I shook my head rapidly, pleading for him to go first. I groaned as he shook his head, once he gets something in his head, there isn’t much reasoning with him.
I kept my eyes on the ground as Tyler gave me a light push, sending me plummeting into plain view of my father.

Figuring I couldn’t stare at the floor forever, I quickly glanced up, and then quickly averted my gaze back to my zebra-striped socks. My eyes widened at what I saw, and I found myself sneaking another peak, trying to tell myself that my eyes were just playing tricks on me.

No, he was there, in the flesh. M. Fucking Shadows was in my living room, standing in front of my sofa, the moonlight shining in from the window casting a shadow of his figure across the living room. “Hey, I’m Matt.” He smiled apprehensively, trying to gauge my reaction.

I concealed my shock. He couldn’t honestly want me to think that he was my father? The idea was so outlandish, that I couldn’t even look at him and I whipped around to glare at Tyler, who was still smiling.

“You think this is funny?” I asked harshly and he quickly dropped his smile. Anger coursed though me, and I found myself needing to take it out on someone or something.

I was angry about how unclean my room was. I was angry with Tyler for not telling me before Matt came. I was angry with the drunken old bat who hit my mother’s car. I was angry with my father for not being with me for the first fourteen years of my life. I was angry at everything. Everything that could possibly go wrong, did.

“Payton,” Tyler started cautiously, seeing the look in my eyes. “Calm down...”

His voice set me off, and before I knew what I was doing, I was barrelling down the stairs and into the basement. I couldn’t stop myself from picking up the baseball bat and fixing my glare on my mother’s cobalt blue PT Cruiser.

The front of it was totalled. The unidentifiable metal was crumpled in a disturbing way, and what was left of the headlights were each hanging by a single wire on each side of the car. The twisted front axle peaked out from the scrunched up metal.

The windshield didn’t have as much damage; a single, huge crack ran diagonally to each side. That was what I went for first. I don’t remember seeing much, just that I raised the bat over my head and swung as hard as I could, and the sickening sound of glass shattering everywhere.

Before I could do anything else, I was grabbed around the waist and the bat was taken from me. I struggled all I could, all of my pent up rage focused on that one car. I wanted, needed to destroy what was left of it.

It was a piece of shit. I remember fondly calling it ‘The PT Loser’ whenever I had to ride in it. I told my mom to get the brakes fixed. Maybe if I reminded her of it, she would have been able to stop and she would still be here.

Was it really my fault? Was she dead because I didn’t tell her about it as much as I should have? She forgot things so easily, and it was basically my job to keep her on track with the things she had to do.

It was my fault. I gradually stopped fighting against whoever was holding me back, and tears slowly began to make their way out of my soft green eyes. I blindly turned around and hid my face in the person’s chest. I didn’t know if it was Matt or Tyler, and I didn’t really care. I just need someone to comfort me.

Arms wrapped around me in a tight hug as I sobbed into their chest, and after a moment I was lifted off of my feet they cradled me in their arms.

I don’t know how long I was there, bawling my eyes out, but the only thing running through my head before I fell asleep was that everything was my fault.