Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

“You must think I’m terrible,” I sobbed into Danny’s shoulder. I was still lost in my memory. I hadn’t faced it since I’d done it. It took me seconds to realize Danny was laughing. I wondered if he thought I was telling some kind of sick joke.

“Are you serious?” he asked with a dark sort of amusement in his voice. “You actually think killing yourself was worse than what I did? I killed three people – and injured countless others – and they had no choice in what happened.”

“But you’re sorry for it,” I stated.

“Of course I am,” he replied. “More sorry than I’ve ever been for anything.”

I wiped away my tears and said, “That’s what’s so bad about what I did. Of course I’m ashamed and I feel bad for what I put my family and few friends through, but… If I were in the same situation again, I don’t think I would change what I did.”

Danny patted my hair. “Well, that’s what you’re here for,” he pointed out. “Our only purpose here is to learn why we shouldn’t have done all the bad things we did.”

“Why are you still here then?” I didn’t mean for my comment to be sharp, but he turned away as if I had slapped him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“No, you’re right,” he allowed grudgingly. “I don’t know. I guess God doesn’t think he’s put me through enough torture to teach me my lesson yet.”

I laughed. “It’s so funny.”

“What is?” he retorted, clearly appalled by my conclusion.

“No funny, I guess,” I amended, “just ironic. I killed myself to escape the pain of living. Now I’m just stuck with Zane’s pain along with my own.”

“Tell me about it,” he mumbled.

“Well, Mara doesn’t seem too painful. At least not until today,” I said optimistically.

“You’re sort of right,” Danny allowed. “Some of the other people I guarded had life a lot worse than she does.”

“But I’m only sort of right?” I inquired curiously.

“Mara is different. Her mind doesn’t work like a lot of other people. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like she picks up on other peoples’ pain and makes it her own,” he explained. “It’s sort of silly. It’s almost like she feels like she can ease people of their pain if she takes on the burden for them.”

I gave him a half smile. “I guess it does sound silly. But it also sounds sort of brave,” I admitted.

“I’ve tried it,” Danny said. “It didn’t work for me. I don’t recommend it.” His gaze met mine, and I almost felt like he was reprimanding me.

“If this is about Zane, I don’t want to hear it. He needed my help today, so I helped him. It’s that simple,” I said.

He shrugged. “I’m not scolding you. I’m just trying to help.”

“Well you’re not helping,” I retorted, but I knew it was a lie.

Silence stretched on through the night. We both had too much to think about. We were still very close; I felt his soft black-feathered wing pressed against my blue one. His expression was so far away that I didn’t doubt he’d forgotten about the arm he’s left draped over my shoulder. For fear of disturbing him, I didn’t try to move away from him.

No, that wasn’t why I didn’t move. It was because I thought he would think I was afraid of him if I moved, and I didn’t want that.

In the early hours of the morning, Danny sighed lightly and closed his eyes. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he was sleeping.

He didn’t open his eyes until Mara did. Mara rolled over and watched Zane dejectedly as he slept. Her behavior seemed to remind him what was going on. He removed his arm from around me and rested it in his lap before he began to watch Mara tiredly. I saw the agony in her eyes echoed in his.

A few hours passed before the nurse came in. Zane woke up when the nurse opened the door, and she seemed embarrassed. “Sorry,” she said softly.

Zane looked around him and asked, “Where are we, Mara?”

I saw that she was pleased he’d remembered her name, but also worried. “We’re in a hospital. Don’t you remember what happened yesterday?”

He blinked. Slowly it came back to him. “I guess so. I woke up from a nap and didn’t remember… Oh, Mara, I’m sorry I never picked you up to go to the movies. I remember now.”

She laughed cheerfully. “Forget about that! Do you feel better?”

Zane didn’t hear her question. My face flashed in his mind. He remembered me, too, and it filled me with a joy I couldn’t describe. Guiltily, he remembered how much he’d liked the soft touch of my hand on his ankle during the MRI.

He looked around for me. “Where’s Arianna?” he asked.

“Arianna?” Mara repeated blankly. “Who?”

“That – that girl,” he replied. He’d almost called me beautiful, but then he’d thought of Mara. “The girl who helped me get here.”

“You came here by yourself,” the nurse told him, speaking for the first time. “It was quite a miracle, actually, considering your amount of memory loss.”

“I swear there was a girl,” Zane insisted. Mara looked vexed.

“Well, with what we found in the MRO, it’s possible – even probable – that you were having a hallucination,” the nurse allowed.

Zane thought about what she’s said. “I guess that’s possible,” he admitted grudgingly. Just like that, he put me into the back of his mind and accepted that I didn’t exist. I let my head fall, and grief overwhelmed me. Even when Danny touched my arm to try to comfort me, I didn’t acknowledge it.

“So what did you find on the MRI?” Zane pressed.

The nurse glanced at Mara. “I have to ask your girlfriend to leave the room.”