Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

Zane tried not to notice when Samantha came into the hospital room, but his numbness was wearing off. He didn’t want to talk to her. She seemed to sense this and curled up in the chair that had been Mara’s. She waited for him to say something.

He did not acknowledge her presence. He continued to stare at the blank white wall.

Finally, Samantha spoke. “They told us everything.”

“Of course they did,” Zane said hollowly.

After a short pause, she murmured, “I’m sorry.”

He laughed a dark scary laugh that contained no humor. “Why would you care? It’s not like your life will change much when I die.”

“Of course my life will change,” she replied, startled. “You’re my brother.”

Zane snorted. “You know that’s not true. Half of me isn’t even related to you by blood, and the other half that is your brother never acted like it.” As he spoke, he realized how sadly true his words were.

He had never cared what happened to her. She was just the little girl who lived across the hall. A few times she’s woken him up in the middle of the night by crying, but other than that he didn’t pay attention to her.

Now he realized that no one cared what happened to Samantha. At least I had Mara, he thought to himself, wincing at her name. He wondered if Samantha cared about him. For a second, he considered trying to care about her, but then he realized there was no point. Why get to know her so that she had someone important in her life if he was just going to die?

“I don’t know what you want from me,” he said to her roughly.

“I don’t know either,” she admitted. “I felt like I should come and talk to you anyways.”

Zane finally looked at her curiously. For once, he felt bad for her. “I don’t think you need anything from me. Some day you’ll find someone to care about you. Not just a friend who’ll run when the going gets tough, but someone who loves you.”

“Maybe,” she allowed, “but when the going gets tough, will I push that person away like you did?”

Zane closed his eyes, but all he saw was Mara’s face on the back of his eyelids. “Don’t,” he whispered.

“Why would you do that to her, Zane?” his sister asked, confused. “You just told me yourself that everyone needs someone to care about them.”

He shook his head. “I can’t explain this to you. You’re eleven. You can’t understand this.”

“Well I know it’s wrong,” Samantha replied defensively. “I know you didn’t do the right thing. She’s so upset.”

His eyes shot open, a terrible thought occurring to him. “She didn’t send you here, did she?”

“No,” she assured me, “but she did talk to me. She told me she’d still give me a ride to school until either you come home or you two make up.”

Zane didn’t like that. He wanted her to start moving on, and he knew she wouldn’t be able to do that if she was going to his house every day and talking to his sister.

I didn’t see it coming. He just exploded right before our eyes. “Mara and I are never getting back together,” he spat, ignoring the shock that stuck him. “The sooner you realize it – the sooner she realizes it – the better! Stop talking to her. Nothing good will come of it!”

She retorted, “I like Mara, and I don’t care what you say. When you get back out of the hospital, she’ll be waiting for you.”

“I am never going to get out of the hospital! Look at me.” He pointed to the gruesome, stitched-up wound on his head. “I have a brain tumor. I’m not going to get any better. It’s only going to get worse and worse.”

“You don’t know that. The treatment might work.”

He shook his head. “I already told you I can’t explain this to an eleven year old. I am going to die. I know it. And I won’t let Mara see it happen.”

“What if you don’t die?” she countered.

“If I don’t die, it wouldn’t change anything,” he lied. He was tired of trying to tell her the truth, and he knew he shouldn’t in case she told Mara. He decided it would be easier to lie.

He continued, “This had nothing to do with you, but if I didn’t die I wouldn’t take back what I did. I don’t love her anymore. People can fall out of love, Samantha. You wouldn’t know, but I’ve seen it enough. I don’t want to see Mara again.”

Zane’s lie had done its purpose: it had made Samantha speechless. Seeing that he’d won the battle, he said, “You can leave now and pass that along if you want.”

“I’ll be back,” she told him defiantly.

“Fine,” he retorted. “Maybe when you’re back I’ll be lucky enough not to remember you.”

Samantha had taken enough of a beating, and she knew that she had lost. Without answering him, she tried to leave the room before he saw that she was crying.

She’d been in too much of a hurry to leave to notice the liquid building up around the rims of Zane’s eyes. He had just begun to realize what he’d done, and the weight of it was impossible for him to hold. It took its toll on me too. I fell to my knees beside his bed.

Zane knew that he was out of visitors. He’d now forbidden Mara and Samantha from coming to see him, and his friends wouldn’t dare come to see him now that he was dying, and there was no chance his uncle would show up.

We cried together, but we were both impossibly alone.