Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

I sat in my room and ate my dinner alone on the last day of my life. My friend Claire was home from college and was supposed to come eat with me, but she hadn’t shown up. My parents were gone and had left me to fend for myself. With my music blasting, I sat on my bed with my microwave dinner.

I still hadn’t gotten used to eating without being able to see what I was doing. When I was trying to cut my potato, I accidentally sliced my thumb.

Swearing under my breath, I stuck my thumb in my mouth and tried to stop the bleeding. It was a bad cut, and the stinging was bad enough to numb the misery inside my chest. I found that I was almost disappointed when the smarting stopped.

I didn’t think about what I was doing before I did it. The knife practically found its own way to my wrist and bit deep enough to make me yell over my music.

“No!” I wailed, my voice laced with misery and anguish to the point where it was unrecognizable.

At least I’d originally thought it was me objecting to the damage I was inflicting on myself, until the foreign, unidentifiable hand grabbed my wrist to try to stop the bleeding.

I didn’t know who it was, but I didn’t want them to stop me. I knew the only way to kill myself quickly, so I pulled the knife across my throat. My body thrashed and protested while my mind patiently waited for the pain to fade into death. Before it did, I heard someone crying and felt them holding me to the bed, gently rocking me into eternal sleep.

Now I knew that voice and those hands belonged to Danny. “You were there when I killed myself,” I whispered.

“I was there for so much more than –” his voice was cut of by the strange sound that came out of his throat the sounded like a mixture between a sob and a hiccup.

“How?” I pressed.

He didn’t answer me. I don’t think he could answer me.

“You were my guardian angel,” I realized, “but you didn’t save me.”

“I tried,” he whispered. “I would’ve been able to if I hadn’t blocked out your feelings by rubbing my forehead.”

I couldn’t understand. “Why didn’t you want to feel what I was feeling?”

He laughed without humor. “I couldn’t bear it. Imagine having to feel everything Zane feels and having to acknowledge the fact that you caused it.”

Nothing made sense anymore. It was like everything was out of orbit; like gravity had changed direction. Was I supposed to be scared of Danny or feel sorry for him?

Suddenly he was close to me, and I wasn’t scarred of him. “Please, don’t cover your eyes,” he pleaded. “I don’t have much time left. At least let me see your eyes.”

I moved my hands away from my face, but I didn’t know why. Something was going on that I couldn’t comprehend.

He was almost smiling, but something kept him from doing so. “You have the most beautiful eyes,” he murmured.

I remembered how Danny had almost refused to look at me the night he’d become Mara’s guardian angel, but then he’d stared at me intently for over an hour the next day when Zane and Mara were watching a movie. I hadn’t noticed anything more than curiosity in that gaze, but now I wondered if there was something more to it.

“Imagine my surprise when I saw you there,” he whispered. “And that was the first time I ever got to see your eyes other than in pictures. All I’d seen was your scars.” He touched the bridge of my nose. “I didn’t even know what I’d destroyed.”

“Danny,” I started, thinking he was too close.

He ignored me and continued, “I thought I’d never see you again. After I let you die, I didn’t want to save anyone anymore. I hoped I would go to hell, but I just kept having to protect someone else I didn’t care about. I was stuck in purgatory, and then… So were you, so I changed my mind. I can go to hell, but I won’t let them keep you out of heaven.”

I didn’t understand. His hand brushed my feathered wings lightly.

“It was bad enough to watch the person I loved die because of me in so many ways,” he confirmed. I remembered the strong, shaking arms that had tried to hold me together when I was dying.

“Danny,” I repeated much more loudly. “I –”

“Don’t say it,” he ordered. “You don’t have to. I know you don’t love me. I would never expect that. You love Zane.”

The sudden change of subject caught me off guard. “No, I don’t,” I tried to assure him, but it came out too defensive.

“Yes, you do,” he breathed. “I don’t blame you. It’s too easy to fall in love with someone when you know everything about them.”

I bit my lip. He was right.

“Open your eyes,” he begged again. “I can barely see you. You’re fading into white, just like everything else.”

“Please,” I protested. “Don’t –”

“Just let me have this for a minute,” he implored desperately.

I considered telling him no and forcing him to get away from me, but somehow I knew how he felt. I decided that I could let him be happy for a minute if he hadn’t been happy for so long.

“Okay,” I surrendered softly, but I needed to close my eyes. He didn’t protest when I did so; he kissed my eyelids instead. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“Don’t be,” he stated. “You can’t change how you feel, but you also can’t stay here with Zane forever. You’re going to have to save him eventually.”

I swallowed and tried not to believe him.

He pulled away from me suddenly and only held onto my cheek. I opened my eyes to see what was wrong. His eyes were wide and he stared at the ceiling, but I had a strong feeling that he saw something I could not.

His breath caught in his throat before he could say, “Heaven – it’s so beautiful. They won’t let me stay here.”

He felt for my face because he could no longer see me. “I’ll wait for you there,” he assured me before he pressed his lips to mine.

The pressure of his touch slowly let up, and he was gone when I opened my eyes. I couldn’t see clearly, so I felt my cheek. It was wet.