Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

It only took Zane a few minutes to realize that he was too upset to stay in his bed. No matter how he tried to calm himself, he couldn’t shake the anger out of his system. I didn’t even know what he was mad at. Maybe he didn’t either.

He paced his tiny room with clenched fists, as if he was ready to punch the next person he saw. Senseless adrenalin pumped through his veins, which made his mind and thought surprisingly clear. I sat on my chair and eyed him nervously as he ranted in his head.

It’s not fair. The thought repeated in his head several times before he acknowledged its origin. I deserve this, he admitted to himself. It’s not like I was a good person. My life wasn’t going anywhere. I would’ve ruined it all by myself eventually.

I wished I could’ve told him he was wrong. I wanted to stop his pacing and calm him down, but his life wasn’t in danger. I had no choice but to let him continue.

But Aaron doesn’t deserve any of this! Zane picked up the dusty remote to his room’s TV. He didn’t even get the chance to choose the right or wrong things! He viciously hurled the remote into the wall and watched the plastic shatter across the white wall, where it left a hole.

A nurse, who’d heard Zane’s attack on the inanimate object, hurried into the room. “Are you alright?” she asked him. Taking in the damage he’d done, she breathed, “Oh my.”

“Get out of my way,” was his caustic reply as he shoved past her and out the door.

“Wait!” she called, but he was already running. When he got to the stairs, he chose to go up instead of down. He was running so quickly that it was difficult for me to keep up with him. He must’ve sprinted up at least fifteen flights of stairs before he reached the dark and empty roof.

He sucked in deep breaths of the cool night air, but he was still full of too much energy and clarity. It was as if the foggy confusion in his mind had finally dissipated. He no longer felt sick, cheated, pitiful, sad, or lonely. He was furious. He looked up into the sky and shouted as loud as he could, “Where are you?”

He was speaking to the father he’d never known, the mother who’d died when he was young, the sister he’d never really cared about, the friends who seemed to have forgotten him, the girlfriend he’d abandoned, the uncle who’d never loved him, the hallucination that he didn’t even believe existed, and – lastly – the God who he wanted to believe in, but didn’t.

“If you existed, I’d understand what you’ve done to me,” he whispered to a being he didn’t even believe in. I vaguely wondered if he was going crazy.

He gripped the concrete edge of the building and said fiercely, “But you wouldn’t have done this to Aaron. So you’re not real!”

He let his voice echo into silence, and then he felt so alone he couldn’t stand it.

I didn’t see it coming. He hadn’t been planning it, just like I hadn’t. He’d only just thought of it, but he didn’t take the time to consider what he was doing. He instantly made up his mind and flung himself off of the building.

I didn’t have enough time to consider what I was doing either. I threw myself off after him. We were falling. I’d followed very closely behind him, so I managed to grab his shirt, pull him close to my chest, and scoop my arms under his. It was time to test my wings.

I extended them and gave a powerful flap. It slowed us down, but not enough. A whole second had passed, and we were getting closer to the ground. I desperately flapped many more times with all the strength I had. Soon we were hovering in mid air, and I saw that the ground was still several yards away.

Zane hung limply in my arms, too shocked to do anything at all. He was heavy, but I managed to slowly get him back onto the roof. I realized that had been a mistake as soon as my feet touched the concrete.

He writhed and squirmed in my arms, trying to get away from me so that he could dive off the roof again, but he was weak from shock and from spending his days in the hospital bed. I wrapped my arms securely under his arms and around his shoulders. I sat down on the ground with Zane in front of me and held him as tightly as I had to in order to keep him from getting away from me.

He tried very hard, but eventually he got tired. I did not, probably because I wasn’t really alive. When we finally did give up, he let himself go limp. He was panting and kept thinking to himself, This isn’t real.

I loosened my hold, but did not let go. “It’s very real,” I assured him.

“Who are you?” he asked. “Why would you do that?”

“You know who I am,” I stated, and as I said it, he did realize it. “I did that because I didn’t want you to die. If I let go of you, will you promise to sit still?”

He nodded mutely, and I knew he was telling the truth so I let him turn around and sit face to face with me. I stretched out my wings; I had no reason to hide them. Besides, they were probably too big to conceal now anyways.

He was surprised at my wet face. With a soft expression he asked, “Why are you crying?”

“Because that was a really close call, you idiot,” I retorted. Now that he was safe, I felt angry and betrayed. I wiped away my tears indignantly and added, “My job is hard enough as it is, and you had to make it that much harder.” I felt a stab of guilt as I realized that this was exactly what I’d done to Danny, only I’d succeeded.

Zane, however, didn’t feel sorry at all. “Leave me alone. Stop showing up. It’s hard enough to stay sane without my imagination talking to me.”

“If I were your imagination, you would most definitely be dead by now. But I’m not,” I insisted.

“Prove it.” His expression was stony.

“Is me touching you not enough?” I gestured to him, exclaiming, “I just saved you from jumping off a building! I know everything about you! Isn’t that enough?”

He shook his head. “That you know my thoughts only proves that you’re one of them.”

I clenched my teeth. “Fine. What if I tell you something you don’t know?”

He laughed darkly. “That’s impossible.”

I shook my head. “It’ll hurt, but I’ll tell you.”