Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

The last time I’d gotten a chance to use my wings was when Zane had jumped off the roof, so I hadn’t been able to fully appreciate it. Now I was able to enjoy the freedom. But no matter how free my body was, I was still heavily tied to Zane.

The powerful muscles in my wings and back carried me quickly to Mara’s house. I landed clumsily on her lawn and made my way to her first story window. Her clean and organized room was the opposite of Zane’s.

I was lucky enough to find her there. It wasn’t exactly what I expected. She was lying on her bed, but she wasn’t crying. She appeared to be deep in thought, mulling over something that was hard for her to comprehend.

I wished I could read her thoughts, but I wasn’t her angel, so I had to wait and watch carefully to decipher her feelings. I was extremely impatient at first because I wanted to get back to Zane, but soon I grew curious. What could possibly be puzzling her so much?

After quite some time, she picked up a notebook and began waiting in it. She couldn’t have been doing schoolwork, because she never paused to think about what she was writing. I knew I needed to get my hands on that notebook.

When she finally left her room, I climbed into her window and eagerly opened it to the last page. I was thrilled to find that it was her journal. I read her last entry, which said:

I think I’m going crazy without Zane. I nearly killed myself. I didn’t mean to, but I have to admit to myself that I wasn’t being careful because I wasn’t sure if I cared if I died. Nathan didn’t know what I was doing.

But the fact that I almost died wasn’t the craziest part. After Nathan had left my house, I was slipping in and out of consciousness. The nurses in the hospital insisted that I must’ve walked or taken a bus to the hospital, but I’m certain I didn’t. There was no way I could’ve done it myself.

Someone brought me to that hospital. At some point I remember feeling someone carrying me. I hoped it was Zane, but when I opened my eyes, I saw an older, dark haired boy. I was too out of it to be scared of him, but somehow I remember the determined expression on his face. I also recall the fact that he had wings, and we were flying. I thought it was just the drugs and slipped back into unconsciousness.

When I woke up at the hospital, I thought I’d imagined the way I’d gotten there, but then I saw the two black and white feathers I was clutching in my hand. Now I wonder if angels exist. If they do, maybe there is life after death. Maybe if I knew that, life wouldn’t seem as hard.

Grinning, I set down Mara’s journal and went to her computer. If I left her proof that angels existed, I knew she would be okay.

I didn’t know how much time I had, so I worked quickly. I opened up her internet browser and found an article online about my death. It was really hard to see the picture of my scarred face and to read about my devastated parents, but I’d already accepted what I’d done. It was time for me to help people.

I opened a tab and found one of the many articles about the school shooting that caused my blindness. There was a picture of me before the tragedy, but the most important part of that article was the picture of Danny. I knew Mara would recognize him. Finally, I opened a third tab and searched “guardian angels in purgatory.” I knew she would figure it out.

I wanted to wait to see her reaction, but Zane was missing me. He was in a very dark place emotionally, wondering what news I would come back with.

I was just about to climb out the window when I remembered the feathers. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I searched Mara’s room frantically until I found them in a drawer.

I stared at them for a long time, but finally I mustered up the courage to take one. I took the black one and left the white. As I held it in my hand, I wondered if Danny was happy. Was he really going to spend his time in heaven waiting for me after he’d worked so hard to get there? It seemed like a waste of happiness to me. I couldn’t imagine that anyone in heaven could want anything else.

I still put the feather in my pocket, though.

I was getting antsy on my way back to the hospital. Through Zane, I knew that he had gone to Aaron’s room to talk to him. It was really hard for Zane to be cheerful with Aaron and pretend like nothing was wrong, but he did his best. Aaron played along at first, but as I got closer, they grew silent.

I wan from the roof to Aaron’s room, but I waited outside to compose myself. I didn’t want Zane to be worried when I walked in, but I knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on Aaron, and he would mentally demand a story from me.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to tell him yet. I guess it depended on what I could get away with. Anyways, if I walked into that room, Zane wouldn’t rest until he got an answer from me, regardless of Aaron. So I decided to wait outside.

While I was thinking, the silence was stretching between Zane and Aaron. Finally, Aaron told Zane, “I’m going to die… soon.”

Zane sighed, replying, “I know. I wish I could say something else.”

Aaron thought silently for a few seconds. Then he asked, “What do you think will happen to me when I die?”

“I’ll be sad,” Zane replied. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what will happen to me when I die?”

A few days before, Zane would’ve answered by saying, “Nothing.” Now, though, his whole perspective was different. He didn’t know or care if there was a god, but he couldn’t deny there was an afterlife. “Well, you’ll go to heaven,” he murmured.