Even If Saving You Sends Me to Heaven

“I didn’t thing you believed in heaven,” Aaron admitted honestly to Zane. “You don’t strike me as a religious person.”

Zane snorted, smiling a little. “I’m not,” he assured Aaron. His tone got more serious. “Lately, I’ve changed my mind though. Someone like you – pure, innocent, selfless – couldn’t just cease to exist. I know you’ll go to heaven.”

Aaron thought for a moment before asking, “If you die, will you look for me in heaven?”

Zane pursed his lips and dropped his eyes. Hesitantly, he answered, “I’m not like you, Aaron. I think I’ll have to pay for the things I’ve done.”

I wanted to go into the room then to comfort Zane. He thought for sure he was going to hell or at least purgatory, but I wasn’t so sure. Both Danny and I had done much worse things than Zane had.

Aaron seemed to be on the same page as me, which pleased me. “You’re not as bad as you think you are,” he assured Zane. “I know because you’re here with me now.”

Zane tried to smile. He gently fake-punched Aaron’s pale, skinny shoulder. He began to wonder where I was and told Aaron, “I’m tired; I need to go back to my room. But I could stop by the same time tomorrow if you want.”

“Please, if you can,” Aaron insisted eagerly.

I waited until Zane was safely in his room and laying in bed before I revealed myself to him. I just didn’t want him to make a scene in front of everyone, but he was still angry at me.

“Arianna, I told you never to hide yourself from me!” he exclaimed, but before I could defend myself, he asked, “Is Mara okay?”

“She has a lot to deal with, but I promise she’ll be okay,” I assured him.

“How do you know?” he asked. I’d been afraid of that. I didn’t want him to know the whole story, but he saw in my eyes that I was hiding something from him.

“Zane, please. I need you to trust me on this. I know for sure she’ll make it through this.” Even as I spoke, I groaned internally. I’d said the wrong thing. There were a lot of things Zane and I needed to work out, and he was tired of putting them off.

He thrust himself off the hospital bed. “You want me to trust you?” he asked, aghast. “How am I supposed to trust you? I don’t know you. You know everything about me, and I know nothing about you.”

I looked at him from head to toe. His hair was thin. His pale face only made the dark bags under his eyes look more disturbing. His hospital clothes hung off his think body which had not long ago been strong and muscular. But when I met his gaze, the hurt and confusion and anger upset me the most. “What do you want from me?” I asked.

“I want to know you!” he exclaimed hotly. “I want to trust you! But how can I?”

“You wanna know something about me?” I asked shortly.

“Yes,” he pleaded.

“After all I’ve done for you, all I’ve felt for you, you need to know something about me to trust me?”

“Yes,” he repeated, taking an eager step closer to me.

I took a deep breath. After I’d slowly exhaled, I said, “There are a lot of things I could tell you about myself, but I’ll start with the most important.” I paused before confessing, “The thing that defines me, the most important thing about me, the best thing I’ve ever done was love you.”

He blinked, and I allowed my words to seep in. Of course, I knew what his reaction was, so before he even opened his mouth to say a word I interrupted him.

“I know you love Mara,” I almost laughed. “I’ve seen it. I’ve felt how much you care about her. That’s why I wouldn’t lie to you about her.”

“I believe you,” he whispered, looking at me in wonder, “but–”

“Don’t say it,” I cut him off again. “You may want to believe you can only love Mara, but it isn’t true. You want me too. It’s possible to love more than one person.” My own words struck a chord in my memory, and I realized I sounded a lot like Danny did the night he’d told me the whole story and went to heaven.

“Arianna–”

“Please–”

“Stop!” he shouted. “Stop doing that thing where you know everything I think. You might know what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling, but you don’t know a damn thing about how I would react something if you just gave me more than a second to think about it!”

I opened my mouth to apologize, but I shut it again, and I gave him a moment.

He crossed the space between us and kissed me. Kissing Zane was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. It had a more profound effect on me even than the first time I’d allowed him to see me.

His lips, and mine, together. I felt my own desire for him, but I also felt his for me, which made the experience twice as intense. His hands found my waist, and he pulled away for a second. “I’ve decided you’re right,” he whispered to me. “I want you.”

I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him again. The tension between us was driving me over the edge. He didn’t quite understand how his hunger for me only fueled mine more. In an attempt to relieve some of the tension, I wrapped my hand in his hair, but it caused him to pull me right up against himself.

His hands traveled up my back and I couldn’t help myself. I let out a high-pitched gasp that could’ve been interpreted as a whimper in another situation. However, Zane did not misinterpret it. He moved his mouth to my jaw and began pulling me to the bed.

Then the moment was ruined. A sharp, stabbing pain ten timed as intense as my desire for him erupted from his head. We both cried out in pain in unison, but somehow I managed to use my grip on him to hold him up.

The pain ebbed for a few seconds, and we both stood silently in shock, our eye pricked with tears. Then it came again, no more forgiving. We stumbled. Before the third wave came, I gained my wits enough to quickly rub my forehead and banish his mind from my own.

Even though I could no longer feel the pain in my own skull anymore, Zane’s pathetic whimper alerted me of the third wave. It wasn’t hard for me to drag him to his hospital bed before the fourth bout overtook him.