Better Sorry Than Safe

I shouldn’t feel like this, Isabelle thought. She was seated before her vanity, changing her earrings. Tonight would be the first time she was going to go out with Chris since he’d proposed. She knew that she should either feel happy, excited, or at least at ease. Instead of any of those she felt anxious.

It wasn’t even the part she thought should bother her that did. She thought the fact that she anxious was what should bother her. Instead it was the fact that she didn’t know why she was anxious that nagged at her.

At first she thought she felt that way because of what she had done. Maybe because she had been cold and distant towards Chris, or because of the way she’d told him off only a few days before. But she quickly knew that wasn’t it. It wasn’t even because she had kissed Matt. It was because she’d spent all day waiting for Matt to call or even text her.

“Isabelle,” Lilly practically sang, “Chris is here!”

Unlike her friend, Lilly had been on cloud 9 since yesterday. Before he left Zacky had promised to come back soon to see both Lilly and Isabelle. And unlike Matt, he had already contacted Lilly.

“I’ll be right there!” Isabelle called, checking her phone one more time. There was still nothing new. She shoved her phone in her pocket and headed out of her bedroom.

Chris stood up, a smile playing at his lips, when he saw Isabelle walk into the room. It was the first time in a week that he had saw her when she wasn’t agitated.

Meanwhile, in Huntington Beach, Matt was experiencing something similar. Valary was coming over and he was going to make dinner for her. Unlike Isabelle though, he actually knew why he felt this way.

He had spent the entire day thinking if it was the right time to contact her. It had been 3:30 that afternoon when he made his decision to wait. He knew what he had to do and he would speak to Isabelle once it was done.

“It smells great in here,” Valary said, breaking the silence.

“Thanks.” Matt replied, suddenly feeling disgusted with himself.

Neither of the pair spoke so much as a word until dinner was finished. It hadn’t been an awkward silence in the slightest. In fact, it was more of an expected silence. Things hadn’t felt the way they should since that day in Vegas, so this only seemed imminent.

“So what do you want to talk about?” Valary asked, half way through dinner.

“How did you know that I want to talk about something?”

“I know you like the back of my hand, Matt. I know things that you don’t think I know. For example, I know that you haven’t been the same since the night you went to the Hard Rock with the guys. I know that something happened that night and it is something you can’t stop thinking about. You don’t have to keep lying to both of us, all you have to do is tell me.”

“I’m so sorry, Val. I never meant for this to happen. No, that isn’t true. I didn’t mean for it to happen the way it did; when it did. I never wanted to hurt you but I know that I have. I’ve hurt you repeatedly. If I could change things then I would in a heartbeat, but I can’t change things. The only thing I can control what is going to happen from here on out.”

“What are you talking about? What didn’t you mean to happen this way?”

“I kissed someone else. And I loved it. I just couldn’t let her leave and I didn’t know how else to make sure that she stayed.

“I can’t keep pretending that this is what I want. I care about you so much, I really love you, but I’m not in love with you. I’ve spent the last five years trying to change my feelings. Trust me when I say I’ve done everything I can think of to make myself not care about her. For years I’ve wanted nothing more than to be able to fall in love you with the way that I know I should.

“You are one of the most amazing people I know, if not the most amazing person that I know. You’ve given me chance after chance, you’ve forgiven me and given it another shot more times than I can count, you’ve always been there for me, and you’ve never once pushed for me to tell you why I keep doing this. And I’m so sorry that I’ve done this to you repeatedly, I never wanted to hurt you.

“But I can’t do this anymore. There is no point in it anymore. I’m not going to keep lying to myself. I’m not going to keep stringing you along because I don’t want to let you go. I won’t hold you back anymore. And I won’t hurt you again. Because if I don’t do this now then I’m going to end up really hurting you.

“I’m already in over my head but I don’t want out. Even if I have to walk the finest line in human history I will. But I can’t let her do this without giving it my best shot, and I won’t do that while I string you along. I haven’t been a boyfriend to you in a while now and it isn’t fair to you.

“I’m so sorry Val, but I think its time we call it quits for good.”

“If you are expecting me to get mad or fight about this you are wrong you know. I’ve known since the first time we went out that you were in love with her. Maybe I even knew before that. I thought that given enough time your feelings might change. I saw it the day after that night it would never happen. I could see it in your eyes that you had saw her finally.

“I knew something had happened, I just didn’t want to know. I had a feeling this was coming. But I’m not mad. I just want you to be happy, and right now you aren’t.” Valary walked around the table to Matt’s side, leaned down, and kissed his cheek. “You will always be a great friend of mine. Good luck with Isabelle.”

“Val?” Matt called as she walked out of the kitchen. She turned around to look at him, a small and slightly sad smile on her lips. “Thank you.”

Without a word, she nodded her head yes, and walked out of the kitchen and out of the house. Matt found himself sitting at the table alone, feeling more relieved than he had imagined. Secretly he had feared that she would hate him for what he had and was doing. Even if he wasn’t in love with her he still loved her as a dear friend and didn’t want to lose that.

Back in Vegas, Isabelle was seated across the table from Chris. She had already apologized for how she had been acting, and like she knew he would, he had forgiven her instantly. He was just happy to have the chance to finally see again.

“So when do you want to start talking about wedding stuff?” He asked, rubbing circles on the back of her hand.

“Not yet! It hasn’t even been two weeks,” She quickly calmed her panic, “I don’t think we should rush it. Besides aren’t I the one who is supposed to push for that?”

“Well you aren’t the typical woman, Belle. If I don’t start bringing it up then it could be years before you do,” His voice was half serious and half teasing.

“I just want to give it some time before we jump into the stress of it all.”

“That is why I brought it up. It will be less stressful the earlier we start. Then we can take our time. I want to help you on this. I know that you will overwhelm yourself if you do it all by yourself.”

For a second she wanted to tell him how wrong he was. If it was all left to her she wouldn’t become overwhelmed. Instead nothing would ever get done. This just wasn’t something that she could share with Chris though.

“Well give me a while before we just jump into it. We will soon, I promise, just not right now.” Isabelle relaxed against the chair, silently praying that was the end of it.

“I hope you know that I’m going to hold you to that,” Chris said, earning a small smile from Isabelle.

It was easy to be with Chris; it always had been. The more Isabelle thought about it the more she realized this is why she stayed. He was a safe choice, sometimes a little much for her taste, but he was extremely loyal. She never had to worry about him hurting her.

Instead she had to worry about hurting him. She had to worry about him finding out how she felt about Matt, how she wasn’t sure about getting married, and most of all, the fact that she had kissed Matt. Now she wasn’t sure exactly how to go forward.

“What are you thinking about so much?” Chris asked.

“I don’t know. I know that sounds really weird but I honestly don’t,” Isabelle said. It wasn’t even a complete lie. She had so many things floating around in her mind that should couldn’t stick to just one.

“Then maybe you should clear your head babe.”

“Easier said than done.”

When she got home that night she was ready for bed. It had been a long day, and between her date and waiting for Matt to make contact, she was exhausted. If all she did was lay down in bed and fall asleep that was fine with her.

She had just snuggled in under the covers when her phone rang. “Hello?” She answered, feeling slightly agitated that it was going off now.

“Sorry I took so long. There was something that I had to take care of,” Matt said, already rethinking calling her this late.

“It’s fine. I thought it was someone else calling. Did you have a good drive home?” She immediately sat up, the agitated and exhausted feelings melting away.

“Yeah, it just seemed longer than the drive up there. But that is normal; happens every time. How was your day?”

“Honestly, it was long. I worked all day and then went out to dinner with Chris. Dinner wouldn’t have been that bad except for he wanted to know when I want to start on wedding preparations. It made me want to scream in frustration. The first time we go out since it happened and he is already wanting to know when we are starting.”

“He loves you, Belle. I’m sure he just thought you’d be in a hurry to get it over with. I think anyone who knows you knows this is not your forte.”

“Well he sure doesn’t act like it. Its like I said that first night, I just don’t know what I am doing. I feel so torn, if that makes sense.”

“Makes perfect sense,” Matt heard when Isabelle yawned, “I think I’ll let you get some sleep. You sound tired. I promise that I’ll call or text you tomorrow though, or vice versa if you want.”

“Thanks Matt, I’m actually really tired.”

“Oh and I’ll be coming back up there in two weeks.”

“Already? That is awesome, I can’t wait. Night, Matt.”

“Night, Belle.”

Matt sat his phone on the coffee table and relaxed. It was good to hear Isabelle’s voice again. For now it didn’t matter that he didn’t know where it was going to go. Nothing mattered for now. He knew that would all change at some point but for now he we perfectly content with life the way it was.

He also knew that Jimmy would be the first of the guys to be over in the morning. In the group there were no secrets. By noon, at the latest, they would all know that he and Val were over again. He knew it would be Jimmy first because he had known Matt’s plans.

Now he had to think of an excuse for why he was going back to Vegas so soon. The guys would definitely want to know, and he couldn’t just leave without telling them. If he left before they knew then they would never let him live it down. Besides it was practically impossible to keep a secret like going out of town from them.

I’ll figure it out tomorrow he thought, standing up to turn off the lights and go to bed.

The next morning when Isabelle walked out of her bedroom, she heard Lilly at the door. If it hadn’t been Lilly’s day off she probably wouldn’t have been home and the door might have gone unanswered. Thinking it probably wasn’t important, Isabelle went into the kitchen to get coffee.

Walking into the kitchen, Lilly said, “Look what you just got delivered!”

Isabelle looked over and resisted the urge to scream. In Lilly’s hands was a crystal vase filled with red roses and baby’s breath. If it had been a month ago it would have been different, but it wasn’t a month ago. She suddenly felt disgusted with herself.

“Wow,” She said, not being able to think of anything else.

“Wow I’ll say! These are beautiful.”

“Uh, let’s put them in the living room for now. I’ll call and thank him at lunch but I’ve got to get going.” Isabelle completely forgot about getting coffee and rushed out of the apartment instead.

She had never thought a gesture like flowers would make her feel so guilty. Then again she never thought she’d get herself in a situation where she felt disgusted with herself. But now here she was and she didn’t know what to do.

For once she was glad she got stuck in traffic. She just needed to be alone for a while to think. She couldn’t face other people without knowing what to make of this morning’s surprise herself first.

Somewhere in the back of her mind though, she was still looking forward to seeing Matt again. She knew that she shouldn’t feel that way but she did. The thing that scared her most was this was the one aspect of her life she didn’t have control over. She could control who she was with, who she was friends with, and who she wasn’t speaking to but she couldn’t control the way she felt.

Even if she wanted to transfer her feelings from one guy to the other she couldn’t. It wasn’t for a lack of trying either. She’d spent the last year trying to make herself fall completely head over heels for Chris, the way she had fallen for Matt, but it didn’t work. There was no way she could force herself to feel anything.

Groaning out loud, and slapping the steering wheel, she realized that she really missed Jimmy. If he were still there he could have helped her. It didn’t matter that he would tell her he couldn’t make her decisions for her, just having him there would have been comforting.

Sure she could call him but it wasn’t the same. There was nothing like having one of your best friends sitting across the table, or walking at your side, to talk to when you were down. Jimmy had always been the person she had went to when she couldn’t tell Zacky, and until last week she hadn’t realized exactly how much she missed him.

When the Hard Rock came into view she suddenly felt a little more at ease. She didn’t know why, but this place was always a comfort to her. Before she got the job at the café, she would come here with Lilly just to hang out. It was just one of those little personal mysteries of hers that she didn’t care to figure out. It was a comfort for her, that’s all she needed to know.

Pushing all her thoughts aside, she stepped out of the car. She would deal with her issues at lunch and after work. For now she could just focus on her job and keep her mind free from the stressful topics. All of that could, and would, be dealt with later but as of right now it just wasn’t important. At least she told herself that it wasn’t important.