Better Sorry Than Safe

In the weeks that followed the break up, Isabelle’s life started to really change. Lily was going to be leaving in a matter of days, leaving Isabelle without her closest friend and alone in the apartment. The guys were going to come to help Lily move and to have one last hurrah in Vegas, the shining light in the entire situation for Isabelle. As much as the thought of Lily leaving saddened, nothing could kill the excitement she felt at the thought of getting to see the guys again. Her conversations with Matt had also changed drastically in the past few weeks.

It was now becoming clear that Isabelle was going to have to decide what she wanted with Matt. The only thing that she knew for sure was that she wanted some sort of relationship with him again. Unfortunately she wasn’t sure exactly how they were going to do that considering they lived in two different cities.

The thing that Isabelle was the happiest about was that she hadn’t seen Chris since the night she’d called things off. A part of her had expected him to come around again and try to patch things up but he hadn’t. Travis, on the other hand, wasn’t such a stranger.

Two nights after she’d called it off, Travis had shown up at the café when her shift ended. “What do you want?” She’d asked, not feeling like dealing with anything related to Chris so soon.

“I just came to say thank you. Thank you for not dragging it out anymore.” Travis had sounded sincere and Isabelle knew that he was relived.

“Is Chris doing alright?”

“As good as you can expect. He’s heartbroken and devastated, still doesn’t understand why, but he’ll be okay. Its better that its over now instead of on the wedding day or having to go through a divorce.”

“How’d you know?”

“How’d I know what?”

“That I’m in love with someone else?”

“Listen, just because I jump from woman to woman and date without getting serious doesn’t mean I’m clueless. I don’t just walk over people and disregard their feelings. I’ve seen too many divorces in my time but I’ve also seen a marriage or two work out or, at the very least, I’ve seen the love the divorced couples shared once upon a time. I never saw any of that between you and Chris. I saw it from him but never from you. It wasn’t hard to figure it out when thinking about the way you acted and the distant look you’d get in your eyes when Chris would tell you he loved you.”

“I should have ended it a long time ago, I know that, I just wasn’t sure how. Just tell Chris that I’m sorry and I hope he finds what he is looking for.”

“I’ll tell him. I hope you patch things up with whoever it is that you are in love with. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“Maybe you will.”

After the parking lot conversation with Travis, Isabelle had no longer felt guilty. She regretted that she had strung Chris out for so long but she knew there was nothing that could be done about that now. So instead of dwelling on the past, Isabelle vowed to just let it go. There was point in focusing on it anymore. Now it was just time to move on.

Things had also changed for Matt. Knowing that Isabelle was no longer attached to Chris, Matt knew it was time for things to really play out. It was now the time when he’d find out if there was a shot at he and Isabelle having a relationship again.

However, even with the hope that he now had, he couldn’t help but think of Jimmy’s warning. There was still no guarantee about how this would work out. If the reason that Isabelle had originally left was still a factor then she may not have an interest in repairing things between them.

Whichever way it was going to go, Matt knew it wouldn’t be long before he had his answer. Whatever was going to happen between them would most likely be decided when he and the others went to help Lily move to California. Now that it was only two days away, his future with Isabelle wouldn’t be a mystery in less than a week.

Lily had her last night at work on Thursday, giving Isabelle some time alone. Instead of spending time around the apartment, being reminded that within a few days she’d be there alone, she headed for her favorite coffee shop. With her cup steaming, she zipped up her jacket and sat down outside.

Admiring the view in silence, she took a sip of her cappuccino. As she watched the cars and people moving around continually and the lights twinkling, she thought of how soon the holidays would be coming. She always looked forward to the Christmas decorations that were put up on the strip. Every year since she’d arrived, she made a habit of walking around the outside of the Venetian after their decorations for Christmas and winter went up, loving the atmosphere it came with.

It wasn’t long before her thoughts drifted back to Matt. Time was running out to make a decision and she was feeling the pressure now. The way she saw it there were only two options that were really doable. Either she asked him to move to Vegas, which she would never do and it would never happen even if she did, or she moved back to California. Those were the only two options she believed would work. The thought of leaving Vegas didn’t cause her the same pain that it once had but she still didn’t love the idea.

Isabelle spent close to an hour at the coffee shop. Her latte had gotten completely cold by the time she finished it by taking small sips every so often. Most of the time had been spent admiring the city. If she was going to be leaving it then she wanted to soak up every last moment that she could.

When she went to sleep that night, for the first time in years, she was plagued with unhappy dreams. After several different dreams had unfolded in her sleeping mind, the scene changed.

At first she was confused. She was walking through the lobby of the Mandalay Bay, heading to Matt’s room, but the engagement ring was back on her finger. It was exactly like the time Matt had spent a week with her except something felt off. She wasn’t sure what but there was something wrong happening in the dream.

It didn’t feel like it had when he’d visited her. Instead, Isabelle was acting like she had before he’d walked back into her life. There seemed to be no emotion that would betray her feelings when she walked into the hotel room. Even when she saw his bags were packed she was still calm. “Do you have to leave early?” She asked void of all emotions.

“No but I think I should. Its pretty clear that there isn’t a reason for me to be here,” He said, his voice dripping with a deep sadness.

“What are you talking about? Of course there is a reason for you to be here.”

“Why? So you can keep string me along behind your fiancé’s back? Or so you can keep spending time with me until you figure out that you want to be with him.”

“You knew what my relationship with Chris was when you came to visit. Now its bothering you? Its not like I hid it or that we’re cheating.”

“What are we doing then, Isabelle?”

“Two old friends catching up.”

“You’ve mastered lying to yourself! That’s bullshit and you damn well know it!” Matt saw Isabelle flinch for a second before she regained her composure. Before she had the chance to say anything in response, Matt moved closer to her. Lifting his hand so that he could touch her face one last time, he began, “I’m sorry Isabelle,” His thumb caressed her cheek as he looked at her, “but you can’t have it both ways. It’s one way or the other. You can’t have us both and I’m pretty sure that your mind is made up.” He glanced at the painful reminder quickly.

“Please don’t say things like that.” Her voice betrayed her facade of being calm and detached from the feelings she’d lied to herself about.

“Goodbye Isabelle,” He removed his hand from her cheek and let it fall numbly to his side before turning and walking towards the door, trying not to look back at her, “I’ve always loved you and I always will.” The whisper wasn’t meant to be heard but she had heard it. Before she could respond the door was opened and then clicked closed behind him.

With a sigh she turned around, a folded white piece of paper with her name written on it catching her eye. She took it gently in her hands and just held it for a minute. She didn’t open it at first; she didn’t even look at it. Finally, several minutes later, she unfolded it.

Isabelle stood in the middle of the hotel room, tears running down her cheeks as she read the note. Feelings she’d long ago suppressed surfaced as she could hear his voice inside her head as she read the note he’d left. The empty room allowed her to break down more thoroughly; something she should have done years ago.

Now it was too late to do anything. He was gone, she’d managed to alienate the one person she needed most in a matter of a merely a week. Now she was left there exactly how she’d wanted to avoid. She’d run away to her sanctuary years ago just so she could avoid this. Now it was simply unavoidable.

Everything in her world was destroyed. She used to know what she wanted, where she wanted to be. Everything had been so clear to her less than a month ago. Now nothing was so clear, it didn’t seem easy.

Could she stay where she was safe? With the guy that she obviously loved but wasn’t in love with, the safe one? Could she forget what her heart wanted and make herself not love him anymore? Would she be able to make the choice that was safe? Or would she make the choice that would make her happy?

Isabelle finally managed to pull herself from the dream and sat up in bed. She was sweating and there were a few tears built up in her eyes. Now her mind was working in the same way it had in the days before she’d originally fled to Vegas.

For her this situation wasn’t about love. It never really had been because she had been in love with Matt when she ran away. To her this was a matter of self protection. The reason she had ran in the first place was because she was afraid of getting hurt. Having Matt walk back into her life had just reopened the feelings she’d always had for him but not the fear she harbored.

Until that moment she didn’t think she still had that fear. It hadn’t come to the front of her mind during the time she’d been back around Matt but it was now. It was almost as if she was a teenager again, in the same spot she’d been in back then.

For Matt this was a matter of feelings for each other. His choice and desire to be with Isabelle was fueled entirely by his feelings for her. What he didn’t know was that it was different for Isabelle. It had always been different for her than it was for him.

Isabelle was once again faced with a choice. The dream had been inaccurate when it came to Chris being the safe choice, that part of her life was over now. The dream was accurate about the safe choice verses the choice that would make her happy though. Being with Matt was definitely the choice that would make her happy but Isabelle wasn’t convinced that it was any safer of a choice now than it was in the past.

***

Upon arriving in Vegas, Matt was met with a different scene than he had been expected. Isabelle was not the same towards him as she had been on his previous trips. Instead she seemed closed off from everyone, including Jimmy. At first he thought it was just because Lily was going to be leaving and she wasn’t sure how to express what she felt. Isabelle had never been the best at showing how she felt.

He put no real thought into it until the third day. The last box had been packed and loaded and everyone with the exception of Matt was planning on heading home the following afternoon. Matt knew it was now time to try and talk to Isabelle about their future. Instead of just pushing it on Isabelle, he waited until the end of the night. As Lily and Zacky headed back to the apartment and the rest of the guys to their rooms at the end of the night’s impromptu going away party for Lily, Matt asked Isabelle to take a walk with him.

They ended up in front of the Excalibur. They were standing in one of the circular cut outs, watching people head for the door to enter the casino. It was a Friday night so the town was packed with people but the area they were standing in seemed to be ignored by almost everyone.

“I think its time that we talk about what we are going to do next. The last few weeks have been amazing, I’ve really missed you, and that has made it impossible to ignore my feelings for you. I never stopped caring about you, Isabelle, I just didn’t realize how much until seeing you again. Its pretty clear that you feel something too or we wouldn’t be here.”

“I do having feelings for you. I get that you want to know where we go from here. You want to know if we have a chance at another relationship. You want to know if we can patch things up and maybe pick up where we left off.”

“Exactly. I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. Hell, I can’t get you out of my head.”

Wanting to seize the moment, Isabelle moved over and planted a kiss on Matt’s lips. She pulled away for a second and Matt kissed her. It felt radically different from the last time they’d kissed. When they’d kissed the last time it felt almost rushed, tinged with guilt. This time it wasn’t urgent, as if it could wait and there was no reason why it should, and free of guilt. Isabelle could feel butterflies in her stomach, something had only happened with Matt.

After the kiss it was a while before they spoke. At first, they just stood there, looking at the people passing them. Matt had grabbed onto Isabelle’s hand and she’d responded with a soft squeeze of his hand. Matt was now more optimistic about what Isabelle would say when she did speak.

Isabelle on the other hand had already made up her mind about what she wanted. The dream the night before had opened her eyes. What she really wanted was to go be with Matt. She had never expected to want to leave Vegas but when she thought about being with Matt that suddenly paled. Leaving the city was no longer the problem.

“You wanted to know if we have a future together. I think it would be impossible to deny that based on our feelings there is always the chance to have a future. But this isn’t just about being together because of feelings.

“I didn’t just think about this for five minutes and decide this, Matt, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it. At first the answer was yes. Just throw everything I’ve built for myself here and go be with you. Its definitely the appealing answer. But I’m not the type of person that can base a choice off of what emotions I’m feeling.

“I’m sorry but I can’t do it. I can’t myself up for the risk. If I do then what happens if things don’t work out? Then we’re over again, I’m stuck in California and that just isn’t what I want. The only desire I have to go back to California is to be with you. If I’m not with you there is no reason for me to be there and I’d want to come back here. I don’t want to keep running between cities when something doesn’t work the way I want it to. This is my home now. I’m sorry, Matt, but I’m not going to risk it.”

“So your choice is based off of the idea that we might not stay together and where you’d be in California instead of Vegas?” Matt’s voice was laced with anger, unlike Isabelle’s which had been calm and cool.

“Yes.”

“Unbelievable.” Now Matt was getting pissed off. “You know what, Isabelle, you are going to end up alone. You’re going to live your life based off of idiotic fears and let risks stop you from doing what you damn well know you should. One day its going to catch up to you. One day you are going to wake up and realize that you are alone and its going to be too late. And you know what? I don’t feel sorry for you. You are doing this to yourself.”

“If that is the way you see it then I understand. I’m sorry, Matt, but I know what I’m doing.”

“Oh you understand. Well that’s good! I’m glad you fucking understand. I can’t believe that I wasted my time on trying to get back together with someone that didn’t even have the fucking decency to tell me that she was leaving, let alone tell me goodbye the first time around!”

“I shouldn’t have led you on. I’m sorry for that.”

“You know what? Save it! Alright just save it! I can guarantee that you spouted the same bullshit to Chris when you broke up with him. Did you even tell him that you didn’t love him or did you just say it was too risky? Your problem is that you are too damn concerned about keeping yourself safe that you don’t care about anyone else’s emotions, including your own.”

“That is bullshit! You think I don’t care about your emotions? I never wanted to hurt you in the first place but I had to do what I had to do.”

“I seriously doubt that. I’m done, Isabelle. At least I can move on now knowing that I gave it my best show. Now I don’t have to live with the what ifs anymore. I’m done with trying to turn things back to the way they were in the past and I’m done with you.”

Isabelle watched as Matt stormed off, leaving her alone with a few people looking in her direction. She felt broken watching him go, a far cry from the relief she’d expected to feel, and decided she needed to get away from everyone else. Knowing that Lily and Zacky would already be asleep, she headed for the apartment.

The drive back to the apartment had given Isabelle time to go numb. Once she was in her bedroom the ice around her emotions was starting to melt. She sat on her bed, unable to pull her eyes away from the picture with her friends from the summer before she left. After several minutes of staring at it and thinking back the floodgates opened.

It seemed as if it was an instant rush of sadness and pain. It hit her like the painful stinging of a strong hailstorm. She realized that Matt was right in what he’d told her. She was going to be alone. She was never going to get over him and she’d just made the same poor choice again. Instead of listening to her heart she’d let fear control her.

Reaching for her cell phone she knew she had to try and fix it. She wasn’t sure that she could, she believed Matt when he said he was done, but she had to try. Even if she couldn’t fix things she at least needed the chance to explain herself one last time. If things didn’t work out then she knew she had no one to blame but herself. Matt had taken the risk and tried his best to get things patched up between them and now it was Isabelle’s turn.

It was a few rings before there was an answer. But just as she knew he would, Jimmy answered the phone. “Isabelle? What Is going on? Matt stormed off without tell me jack shit.”

“I screwed up, Jimmy, I really screwed up,” She said, trying to hold back the tears. “I need your help now. I know that I don’t deserve it and I don’t even deserve the right to ask for any of this but I need to try and you are the only person that can help me.”