Born Rebel
Regaining Confidence
Part II: Regaining Confidence
I felt worse than I’d ever felt before and thought I was drowning in a sea of darkness, something I couldn’t escape from no matter how hard I tried. It took me forever to try to wake up and when I finally did I still felt horrible. My parents were watching me anxiously and I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were extremely worried about me.
“Katie, how could you do something like this?” my mom asked softly.
“Lucas broke up with me!” I exclaimed, “He got upset because I wouldn’t have sex with him.”
“Oh, god, but you can’t be so desperate that you’d kill yourself over him! You can’t let him get to you like this.”
“I know but I loved him so much. He was what I lived for everyday. He actually made me want to go to school and now I just don’t know what I’m living for now.”
“Katie, honey, you have so much potential in you and you can’t just throw it away because of him. I know you hate that school but we can transfer you to a different school where hopefully you’ll be more accepted for who you are.”
“Okay, that’s good because I don’t want to see him again.”
“I just can’t believe he would break up with you like that.”
“Well, he did, and it made me feel terrible.”
“I’m so sorry, honey,” she said, “But we’re here for you and we’re going to do whatever we can to help you get over this.”
They left then so I could get some rest and I drifted back to sleep. I was so tired that I felt like I could sleep forever and knew I’d definitely be in the hospital for quite awhile. I didn’t even want to try to get up and I slept for the rest of the day and well into the next day. The doctors told me when I woke up that it was normal to feel so tired after taking so many pills and that I shouldn’t try to get up because it would make me feel so much worse.
I lay back against the pillow and still could barely stay awake. I fell fast asleep again and this constant exhaustion made me feel horrible.
God, how many pills did I take that day? I didn’t think they would make me feel this bad!
The next day my parents visited me again and told me that they were planning to transfer me to St. John’s Academy in nearby Holmesville for sophomore year where I’d be taking:
--Honors American Literature
--Plane Geometry
--Honors US History I
--Lab Chemistry
--Spanish III
--Religious Studies
--Basic Design
--Health and Physical Education
It took awhile for me to be discharged from the hospital and when I finally was after a month spent in the hospital my parents told me that I would also be seeing a therapist a few times a week so I could have someone to talk to about my issues and start to feel better about myself. That sounded pretty good to me and I knew that with time I could get over this terrible experience and move on with my life. They kept me in bed for a week or so after I was discharged from the hospital and gradually I began to regain my strength.
My mom taught me at home for the rest of freshman year and I didn’t really miss being at school that much honestly. It was way better than having to see Lucas again and facing how awkward that would be. I did realize though that eventually I might have to see him again and know how to handle that.
I began seeing a therapist, Dr. Cathran, after I was well enough to get out of bed and with her help I began to get over the pain of the breakup and she helped me build up my self-esteem. I had never really been all that confident in myself and never understood how everyone else appeared to be so confident and had such an easy time making friends. I still wanted more than anything to fit in at St. John’s and be able to exude confidence
When summer finally came my parents surprised me with a trip to London, a place I’d always wanted to go to, and I was beyond thrilled. To see places like Westminster Abbey and Buckingham Palace up close and personal was an incredible experience and something I knew I’d never forget. I loved every minute I spent in London and eventually begged my parents into allowing me to perhaps go away to school in London for my junior and senior years of high school. They agreed if I showed that I felt confident enough in my abilities to live independently without their constant presence and confident enough in myself as a person as well.
What was even cooler about our trip to London was that my mom took me shopping for sophomore year at some of London’s coolest stores like Topshop, Liberty of London, Harrods, River Island, and Selfriges so I could look good whenever there were dress-down days at St. John’s. For the most part though at St. John’s I’d be wearing my uniform which consisted of a school sweater, white oxford dress shirt, a black skirt, and dress shoes.
It was the perfect way to end my summer though and I was excited and nervous as well about starting at St. John’s but knew it was a fresh start for me and a chance to perhaps have more friends than I’d had at my old school. I was tired of feeling invisible and hopefully at St. John’s I wouldn’t be.
I felt worse than I’d ever felt before and thought I was drowning in a sea of darkness, something I couldn’t escape from no matter how hard I tried. It took me forever to try to wake up and when I finally did I still felt horrible. My parents were watching me anxiously and I could tell by the looks on their faces that they were extremely worried about me.
“Katie, how could you do something like this?” my mom asked softly.
“Lucas broke up with me!” I exclaimed, “He got upset because I wouldn’t have sex with him.”
“Oh, god, but you can’t be so desperate that you’d kill yourself over him! You can’t let him get to you like this.”
“I know but I loved him so much. He was what I lived for everyday. He actually made me want to go to school and now I just don’t know what I’m living for now.”
“Katie, honey, you have so much potential in you and you can’t just throw it away because of him. I know you hate that school but we can transfer you to a different school where hopefully you’ll be more accepted for who you are.”
“Okay, that’s good because I don’t want to see him again.”
“I just can’t believe he would break up with you like that.”
“Well, he did, and it made me feel terrible.”
“I’m so sorry, honey,” she said, “But we’re here for you and we’re going to do whatever we can to help you get over this.”
They left then so I could get some rest and I drifted back to sleep. I was so tired that I felt like I could sleep forever and knew I’d definitely be in the hospital for quite awhile. I didn’t even want to try to get up and I slept for the rest of the day and well into the next day. The doctors told me when I woke up that it was normal to feel so tired after taking so many pills and that I shouldn’t try to get up because it would make me feel so much worse.
I lay back against the pillow and still could barely stay awake. I fell fast asleep again and this constant exhaustion made me feel horrible.
God, how many pills did I take that day? I didn’t think they would make me feel this bad!
The next day my parents visited me again and told me that they were planning to transfer me to St. John’s Academy in nearby Holmesville for sophomore year where I’d be taking:
--Honors American Literature
--Plane Geometry
--Honors US History I
--Lab Chemistry
--Spanish III
--Religious Studies
--Basic Design
--Health and Physical Education
It took awhile for me to be discharged from the hospital and when I finally was after a month spent in the hospital my parents told me that I would also be seeing a therapist a few times a week so I could have someone to talk to about my issues and start to feel better about myself. That sounded pretty good to me and I knew that with time I could get over this terrible experience and move on with my life. They kept me in bed for a week or so after I was discharged from the hospital and gradually I began to regain my strength.
My mom taught me at home for the rest of freshman year and I didn’t really miss being at school that much honestly. It was way better than having to see Lucas again and facing how awkward that would be. I did realize though that eventually I might have to see him again and know how to handle that.
I began seeing a therapist, Dr. Cathran, after I was well enough to get out of bed and with her help I began to get over the pain of the breakup and she helped me build up my self-esteem. I had never really been all that confident in myself and never understood how everyone else appeared to be so confident and had such an easy time making friends. I still wanted more than anything to fit in at St. John’s and be able to exude confidence
When summer finally came my parents surprised me with a trip to London, a place I’d always wanted to go to, and I was beyond thrilled. To see places like Westminster Abbey and Buckingham Palace up close and personal was an incredible experience and something I knew I’d never forget. I loved every minute I spent in London and eventually begged my parents into allowing me to perhaps go away to school in London for my junior and senior years of high school. They agreed if I showed that I felt confident enough in my abilities to live independently without their constant presence and confident enough in myself as a person as well.
What was even cooler about our trip to London was that my mom took me shopping for sophomore year at some of London’s coolest stores like Topshop, Liberty of London, Harrods, River Island, and Selfriges so I could look good whenever there were dress-down days at St. John’s. For the most part though at St. John’s I’d be wearing my uniform which consisted of a school sweater, white oxford dress shirt, a black skirt, and dress shoes.
It was the perfect way to end my summer though and I was excited and nervous as well about starting at St. John’s but knew it was a fresh start for me and a chance to perhaps have more friends than I’d had at my old school. I was tired of feeling invisible and hopefully at St. John’s I wouldn’t be.