A Week

My first thought when I woke up again was wishing I’d still be sleeping.
“Fuck,” I mumbled, burying my face in my pillow.
A pillow. Strange. Where am I?
A sudden flash of the fight came to my mind.
Oh, that’s right. Zack’s house.
I still didn’t know how the hell I ended up here.

I became aware that my stomach felt nauseous. Actually, my whole body felt sick.
How long had I been asleep? I needed another dose in my system.
I looked around me. It was Zack’s room. I was in his bed. It was all so familiar, even though I hadn’t been there for God only knows how many months.

I made a mental note to thank Zack for everything. For taking me in, for fighting with Victoria over me, for letting me sleep in his bed…
I didn’t deserve all this.

Focusing back on my surroundings, I discovered I couldn’t spot my bag anywhere.
Panic washed over me. My handbag held all my stuff, most importantly my drugs. I needed my drugs. Where could Zack have put it?

I decided that instead of trying to figure it out by myself, I’d go look for Zack. It was time I’d find out what was going on, anyway.
I stood up and felt dizzy. After stabilizing myself, I continued on my way and tried to be as quiet as possible opening the door and passing in the huge hallway.

I remembered Zack’s enormous house well. I always used to tease him about it. Who needed all that space, anyway?

I heard noises from downstairs, and figured Zack was in the kitchen. Probably making breakfast, for it was morning, judging by the light that came in through the windows.
I went downstairs and was on my way to the kitchen when I noticed my black bag from the corner of my eye. It was still on the recliner. I changed my direction and went straight there.
Sitting on the couch where I vaguely remembered lying the day before, I once again prepared my veins, and then injected the smack into a big vein.

The relief was instant; breathing suddenly felt so much easier. I took big gulps of air into my lungs, until they felt like they were about to explode. My vision blurred. I could feel the syringe rolling down from my open palm into my lap, pricking me.
I wasn’t used to that powerful an influence. My senses felt dull.
I started hearing whispers. Incomprehensible murmurs.
I knew they were only in my mind, and yet, I felt scared.

In that moment Zack entered the living room, holding a beer, which he dropped on the floor upon seeing me. The glass bottle made a loud bang as it crashed on the floor. Beer was sprayed everywhere.
“No!” Zack exclaimed, leaping forward. I couldn’t see clearly, but I thought he had a desperate look in his eyes. I guess he realized it was too late; I’ve already taken my dose.

Somewhere inside me I felt regret.
I looked at him silently for a little while, but instead of being able to appreciate his breathtaking looks, the whispers in my head grew louder.

I began seeing them, creeping about in the corners of the room. In a sharp move I curled my legs underneath me on the couch.
A high, blood curdling scream sounded in my ears.
It’s me, I realized. I was screaming. As soon as I caught on to that, I stopped.
Zack hurried to my side.
“What’s wrong, Sai? What is it?” he sounded worried.
“Make them go away, make them leave me alone!” I whimpered, clinging to him.
“Sai, there’s no one in here besides the two of us. Shh, no one’s gonna hurt you, baby girl,” He whispered, caressing my hair as I shoved my face in his chest.
“No, no Zack they’re here don’t you see them? They’re coming after me, we have to run!” I continued mumbling, getting up and running up the stairs, back to Zack’s bedroom. I heard footsteps rushing behind me, signaling Zack was coming after me.

A pair of strong, tattooed arms constricted around my waist before I could make it to the bed, where I intended to hide under the covers.
“No! Let me go! They’ll get me!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, trying to fight my way out of his arms with no luck.
“Calm down, darling. Everything’s alright. Do you want to lie in bed?” Zack whispered soothingly in my ear.
“Yes,” I panted, and he walked me to the bed and lied down next to me.
I remembered that I wanted to thank him and looked up meaning to do so, but I was caught off guard with the intense sorrow I could clearly see in his eyes, even in my drugged up haze.
I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.
“Is it better now?” He asked.
I struggled to answer, though my mind kept wondering off.
“Um, y-yeah, I think,” I said, cuddling into his side.
“What?”
I looked up to him, confused.
“You’re slurring, baby girl,” Zack responded to what I assumed was a questioning look on my face, half smiling. His attempt at a smile made my heart warm up. I smiled back.
“I’m sorry, Zacky,” I said.
Zack smiled for another second, and then his smile disappeared as if it had been washed off his face. My smile dissolved too.
“Try to sleep it off,” He told me. I shook my head.
“I’m not tired.”
“Well, yeah, I guess you wouldn’t be. You’ve been practically sleeping ever since I brought you here yesterday evening.”
“What am I doing here, Zack?” I finally asked. My question was meant to be more complex, but I guess my state made me simplify it. I would’ve rolled my eyes at myself, had I been sober.
Zack sighed deeply.
“I’ll explain later, okay? I want the drugs to wear off first.”
“That won’t happen. I will just take another dose.”
Zack sighed once more.
“Go to sleep, baby girl.”

I woke up to my entire body aching. I could tell I hadn’t been asleep for long. I guessed it was around midday.
I was cold, so I wrapped the blanket around me while going over my memories of what happened before I fell asleep.
This shit really messed with my head.
I really needed a dose, so I went straight down to the living room, where I knew I’d find my bag, still on the recliner where I left it.
Only it wasn’t there.

“ZACK!”
Zack came running into the room, then stopped when he saw there was nothing very wrong with me. On the outside, that is.
“What is it, doll?” He asked.
“Where the hell is my bag?!” I required. I didn’t mean to sound that harsh, I was just extremely panicked.
“I… Let’s discuss this over lunch, okay? I made some pasta like you’ve always liked.”
“I’m not hungry. Don’t change the subject. Where is it?”
“It’s… Hidden.”
“This isn’t funny, Zachary. I need my bag. Now,” I muttered, working to stay calm.
“I’m sorry, Sai.” Zack did look sorry. Only I didn’t care. I needed my drugs.
“Zack! –“
“Let’s eat,” Zack interrupted me, and for lack of any better options, I followed him into the kitchen, where the table was set and a steaming bowl of pasta was resting in the middle of it. It was just the way I liked it – pasta de la Baker.

I sat down silently and stared as Zack poured some pasta into my plate, and after pouring some for himself too we started eating quietly.
I mostly toyed with my food; I didn’t lie about not being hungry. I had zero appetite.
I looked up when Zack cleared his throat.
“You need to quit, Sai,” He said. I’ve never seen him more serious.
I smirked.
“Whatever.”
“I’m serious. I’ve watched you collapsing for the last year and a half. I’m not gonna keep looking from afar. You’re my best friend, even if we haven’t really been in touch recently.”
“This isn’t your decision to make,” I answered coldly.
“Are you enjoying this?”
“What?” I asked, surprised.
“Are you enjoying this life? Being completely dependent on a fucking drug? Letting it guide you? Losing everything for its sake? Is that really what you want?” Zack shot at me. His words hurt me deeply. But it was like something was preventing me from really absorbing what he claimed.
Not something. It was the drugs.
I didn’t answer.
“I thought as much,” Zack spat. I couldn’t lift my gaze from my full plate, feeling too ashamed to face my best friend.
“Baby girl, you have to try. If not for yourself then for me. I won’t give up on you. You shouldn’t give up on yourself, either,” He said in a much softer tone.
“Zack, it’s too late for me to stop, I’m already too far gone, I can’t just-“
“It’s never too late, Sairrene,” Zack silenced me with his eyes. I couldn’t argue with him anymore, not after he called me by my full name. That meant he meant business.
Zack chose to take my silence as an agreement. “I’ll be right here with you, baby girl. Every step of the way.”

After finishing lunch and cleaning up, Zack and I sat down on the couch in front of his large LCD to watch “The Strangers”. It was one of my favorite horror movies.

“You’re shaking, baby girl. Are you okay? You can’t be scared, this isn’t the first time you’re watching this movie,” Zack glanced worriedly down to where I was sitting cuddled to his side, about halfway through the movie.
It was true, I was shaking, and it wasn’t out of fear. It wasn’t out of coldness either, since I still had Zack’s blanket wrapped around me. My body was screaming for a hit.
“Z-Zack… Please…” I begged. I had a hard time focusing on the movie. Zack’s jaw clenched.
“You’re stronger than that, hun.”
I dropped my gaze down to my lap, my sight blurring from unshed tears filling my eyes. I tried my best to hold my sobs in, not to let Zack see how weak I really was. I felt so much hatred towards myself, for not leveling up to the girl Zack thought me to be.
A moment later I came back to my senses and swallowed the lump in my throat, just to see the ending subtitles of the movie.
Zack turned the TV off and turned to look at me. I tried to smile, but I felt so sick it probably looked like more of a grimace. Zack took my hand, and a second later he had a puzzled look on his face. He touched my arm and I lifted an eyebrow.
“What the fuck?” I asked politely.
“Sai, you’re awfully sweaty,” Zack said in a worried tone. I realized he was right, although I hadn’t noticed it before.
“You don’t say,” I mocked him. He just kept looking at me.
“It’s the drugs, genius. Or lack of them, rather.”
Zack stayed quiet. I guessed he didn’t really know how to respond to that.
“Let’s go for a walk, baby girl,” Zack said a few moments later. I didn’t really feel like walking, but I just shut my mouth and stood up to go get my shoes.
I became absolutely frustrated when I realized I couldn’t tie my fucking laces, due to my hands trembling so badly. I felt so humiliated when I had to agree to Zack tying them for me.

“Here you go,” Zack said as he came out of the store, handing me the Marlboro pack and a black lighter.
I asked him to buy them for me. This I couldn’t quit, and I knew Zack wouldn’t make me, seeing as he was smoking himself. We went to sit down on a bench in a nearby park, both of us lighting up cigarettes. I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs with smoke, feeling just a tiny little bit of my pain easing away with the help of the nicotine.
“That’s where he found you,” Zack said, his voice stern.
“What?” I asked, confused. I had to try my best to keep my mind from wandering off al the time.
“Jimmy found you here yesterday evening. You were passed out cold. He called me and I told him to bring you over. Vic went ape shit, but I convinced her to give me a week alone with you.”
“I’m… Sorry,” I mumbled, not really knowing how to react.
“Do you really not see that it’s destroying you, Sai? Are you really that oblivious to yourself?” the sadness in his voice was so sharp I could almost feel it slicing through my skin.
“I’m already destroyed, Zack,” I whispered. I felt his hand rubbing my back lightly.
“I’m gonna fix you, baby girl. At least the addiction part. We’re gonna do this,” he whispered softly in my ear. I placed my hand in his palm and rested my head on his shoulder.
“I love you, Zachary,” I said.

When we got back to the house, it was already dark outside. I felt comforted in the yellow light of Zack’s lamps; they made me feel some sort of warmness inside.
“What do you wanna do, girl?” Zack cracked a smile in my direction. I tried to return the favor, but my smile faltered on its way to my face.
“Can I go to sleep?” I asked quietly.
“Of course, baby girl,” Zack replied, his face stern again. I didn’t want him to worry about me, but I just felt so exhausted… It took all my strength not to break down and give in to the excruciating craving.
Zack decided to go to bed with me, because he didn’t want me to be alone. I understood him. We both laid down and he shut down the light, and soon enough Zack was fast asleep.
It wasn’t that easy for me.