Just Like You

I pull the cup to my mouth, the bitter taste of alcohol not even reaching my senses. When I finally stopped crying, I just felt hollow. I let Ace and Jon lead me to the after party, I let them sit me down at the bar, but I've been watching everything with confusion, like I don't belong.

Stumbling a little as I rise to my feet for the first time in hours, I let the drink dangle from my finger tips, not quite sure if I should hold on or let go. A friendly hand steadies me and I wave off the familiar face with the name I just can't place. I walk away from the party, away from the music and chatter I can't hear, to end up like that first night.

Leaning against the side of someone's bus, I crane my head to look up at the sky. The stars are just out of my reach and I want to touch them. I want to be among them, but I don't know if I can ever make it up there.

Lazily, a little drunkenly, I let my fingers swirl around the stars, in my mind making them dance. This is pathetic. Some part of me knows that, but the hurt little girl inside of me wants this innocent moment to never end. I need to know that thing can work out, that I can play with the stars if I want to.

“I'll help you reach them.” The last voice I expected whispers from the darkness and familiar arms wrap around me, lifting me up, high enough so all I see are stars. My hands fall to his shoulders, steadying both of us as his grip on me tightens and loosens as different thoughts pass through him.

“Quinn...”

“Shut up, Oli. Let me enjoy this.” I hiss at him, but at the sound of my name from his mouth, I knew it was gone.

“No. I need you to know this. I started falling for you that night, when you just looked up at the stars. You were so sure of yourself, so confidant. I was beneath you, still am, and yet you looked at me. You were mine. And now, I'm the biggest git I've ever met.” He continues to hold me up, wanting me to be that girl from his memories. I want him to be the guy from mine.

“Put me down.” I start to struggle and he immediately drops me to my feet, afraid I'll hurt myself. I shake my hair out, running a hand through the messy waves. I let my head fall down, my eyes off the stars to look at him.

“We have to stop lying to ourselves. You aren't the guy I thought you were. I'm no where near the girl you thought I was. Let's just end this tonight. I loved you, the you in my head. But I obviously don't know you.” He starts to protest, but I stop him with a kiss.

It ends too soon yet lasts too long. I can't be near him anymore. I have to let go. He makes a grab for me, and I let him hold me more just a minute, just a second longer. I want to stay there forever. And yet reality intrudes again. I push away as the sound of the party finally makes it to my ears. I pull away just as he realizes that I want this to be the final goodbye.

“Quinn.”

I start to walk away, holding my head high. My life isn't a movie. My life is my life and it's no where near as dramatic as I wish it was. I want him to race after me, to hold me, crush me to him, I want him to promise that Amanda is a blip and we're destined to be together.

And then I remember that I'm just a girl from New York and he's just an angry boy from Sheffield. Maybe one day I'll be able to think about this in the light I want, but right now, it's all too real. I can hear him curse in the background, I can hear his shoes scuffing the ground as he kicks it. But he doesn't call my name again.

I stumble back into the light, confused and afraid. I don't know who I am anymore. When I was with Oli, I could pretend to be that girl on stage. But I'm not her.

Disgusted with myself for letting it play out like this, I find another drink and another heartbeat. I know my friends are watching me, I know I should be acting like they want me to be.

“Fuck it,” I mumble and the roadie smiles at me. His arms feel strange around me, but I don't shake it off. I let him think he's going to get laid, I let everyone think whatever they want.

But I shove him off when we leave the party. He stumbles away, muttering 'bitch' before going to find a new girl. I let the same cup dangle from my fingers again as I climb onto my bus. I fall into my bunk, the drained cup falling to the ground below.

In the background of my mind, I hear Larry, ever faithful Larry the bus driver, turn a page in his newspaper. He ruffles it and I know he's checking the mirror to look at me. All he could possibly see is my dangling arm, falling out of the bunk.

“Get some sleep, kid. You'll need it for tomorrow.” His gruff voice lets me know he'll give me the space I need. I grab the headphones again and settle down into the cool sheets.

The world successfully blocked out again, I let the music carry me away. I don't notice when the sheets warm, or when Ace checks on me. I don't notice the smug look on Kayla's face or Emily's worried nimble of her lip. I drift off into unconsciousness and take a deep breath.

“Five days...” The words come out in a barely audible mumble. I let them hang in the air for a second until I slip completely into sleep.

–

A fist punches the bunk frame and I shake awake just in time. “Set in twenty!” I hear Ace call back before he runs off the bus. Grumbling, I shake out my hair and rub my eyes.

As the sleep leaves me, I start to gather things. I tug on a dress and roughly pull on a pair of lace tights, not caring as my nails snagged and ripped. Clasping my bangs back with a big black bow, I brush a little purple eyeshadow onto my eyes and flutter my lashes at the reflection. I blow myself a kiss as I secure my ear rings. A star charm bracelet rests against my wrist, reminding me of last night. I shove my feet into some blue boots and give my hair one last ruffle before heading for the stage.

The early morning crowd is loud with expectant excitement and I love it. I soon forget about sleep as the crowds rush through the venue. The show is great and I want to hug everyone. I flip off the haters and blow kisses to the fans, winking at everyone. I don't know what's making me so lighthearted, but I really don't want to question it.

The time passes quickly and I find myself at the Bbycakes tent, the long line of fans waiting to meet me thrilling my heart. I quickly count my blessings and whisper thank you for everything I have. All my fans, all the people there for me, they're so damn sweet and they care. Only the few questions about Oli give me pause, but I continue on my path, brushing everything off.

Paul claps me on the back as the last of the fans drift off, my hand a little sore from signing and my cheeks stinging from smiling. I rest my head on his shoulder and let out a long sigh, letting everything out.

“Oh, Paul. I'm going to miss you when you go back to jolly ole England.” I reach up to touch his hair but he shies away, a protective hand raised and a joking glare aimed at me. I smile at him before resettling onto his shoulder.

“Actually, you'll be seeing me soon. Have you talked to your manager about what you're doing in the fall?” I shake my head, trying to think of the last time I talked to my manager. We don't really see eye to eye, so we both feel the less contact, the better. He shakes his head in mock disgust and tweaks my forehead. “You're touring the UK. Your album just went gold. Your fans want you there. I personally want you there, which is why I'm sponsoring and will be touring with you again.”

I pull away a little, my jaw dropping. Paul grins at me and pushes lightly up on my jaw. I can't believe it. “I'm going to be surrounded by sexy British accents?!”

“And Scottish, Irish, and Welsh.” He shakes a finger at me, tsking a little. I laugh and hug him. I start yammering on and on about how I'm going to die happy, entertaining Paul with my musings.

“Don't you even care who you're touring with?” I shake my head and I know he's rolling his eyes. “Family Force Five, Breathe Carolina, and This Providence.” I raise an eyebrow at the last band and Paul laughs.

We stay there, just laughing and joking around. I honestly don't know where I'd be without him. He's kept me crazy and fun, alive. He's the one who used to pull me right out of ever funk I'd ever fallen into. He's been my saving grace and I have no idea how I'll ever repay him.

A black clad body enters the brightly coloured tent and grins at me. I wrap an arm around Nichols and lean my head onto his shoulder.

“I miss you.” Nichols mumbles as he stays put next to me. I can feel him shifting, knowing that all these colours make him uncomfortable. I press a kiss to his cheek and I want to stay right where I am. Two good guys, sitting next to me, like the world has stopped and we're just there to have fun and be happy for eternity.

Another dark body walks by the tent and I can feel Oli's eyes boring into mine. But I refuse to look up. We said our goodbyes. It's over. It's done. Nothing more can be said.

The first new tear rips through the act I'd been putting up all day and I crumble onto the two friends I can always count on.