Letting Go

“I want to break up, Alex.”

Your back is turned when you say it, as if avoiding the temptation to look at me.

“You’re joking,” I state in disbelief, turning you back around to face me.

I want it to be a joke.

You only look at me sadly, tucking a strand of dark, wavy hair behind your ear.

“This isn’t funny,” I start to ramble, but the look in your eyes tells me I know your sense of humor well enough that this isn’t your idea of joke.

It’s too cruel.

“What did I do?” You shake your head again, unresponsive. “I can change, I can fix it if you tell me what it is.”

“It’s not something that can be fixed,” you insist, closing your eyes as a tear escapes the corner of one.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask, a hint of panic rising in my voice. “I love you.”

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be, Alex. Please.”

“Then don’t do it,” I state simply, closing the gap between us, holding your face in my hands. “Don’t leave me, amor. Te quiero.” A sob breaks your lips as you try to pull away from me, but I don’t let you.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“So make me understand,” I insist defiantly.

“Alex-”

I wake up in a cold sweat, jerking into an upright position.

I feel my heart’s irregular pounding calm itself down and my erratic breathing slowly returning back to normal.

I’m relieved to discover it’s only a dream.

I’m only relieved until I realize you’re not asleep next to me, and my reality is a thousand times worse than the nightmare I just had.

I’ve been dreaming about you a lot lately.

I don’t know why.

I don’t even know why I bother to sleep anymore.

It’s just a slap in the face every time I wake up.

Because I’m alone in our bed.

Because I’m alone, and you’re gone.

Because you’re gone, and you’re never coming back.

I wince as I sit up in my empty bed and pain throbs in my head.

It’s past two pm, according to the clock.

The sun hurts my eyes.

I abruptly feel bile rise in my throat and scramble the short distance from my bed to the bathroom.

I heave over the toilet until I’m done.

I used to drink for fun.

Now I do it to feel numb.

I can’t let go.