This Is How It's Supposed to Be.

Ever since the trip to the Marketplace with Garrett, almost a week ago, I’d been holed up at home. I mostly opted to stay in my bedroom, watching TV and movies, or playing video games. Pat and John came over once or twice, and we’d have video game marathons (all of which I won), until my mother told them to go home after nearly 24 hours of living on my couch, staring at the TV. I didn’t really want to go out, honestly, mostly because I was almost one hundred percent positive that Caitlyn was right –I did like Garrett. I was barely coming to terms with it on my own, without an audience, and I didn’t know what would happen when I was surrounded by the rest of the guys, and, most importantly, Garrett. Whether or not I really did like-like Garrett, I had to admit that it what Caitlyn had been saying made sense.

But regardless of how I was really feeling about the whole situation (which, honestly, was mostly confused), I’d have to either face it or ignore it or push it out of my mind and deny it was there completely, because well past one a.m., I was scared awake by a rather loud, frantic knock on the window above my head. I ignored it, hoping it was the wind or that I was hearing things, but it continued with what sounded like no intention to stop. My phone vibrated on the shelf behind my bed while the knocking stopped briefly. I reached for it blindly, finally grabbing it just as the knocking resumed. Still half asleep as I flipped it open to read it, I recognized it was from Garrett, asking (begging) to be let in, please, he had to talk to me. I sighed and sat up, stretching a little and then knocking on the window to let him know he should go to the front door.

He was waiting there when I got to the door, looking like he was seriously considering knocking loudly or ringing the door bell. I started walking, Garrett a few feet behind me, both of us creeping as quietly as possible across the hard wood of the hallway.

I was already back on my bed, under the covers by the time he traipsed down the stairs, slipping his Vans off by the bottom of them.

“What’s up, Gar?” I asked, bunching the covers up around my waist and sitting up, leaning against my shelf. I didn’t get an answer, just him coming over to sit next to me, cross-legged and resting his head on my shoulder. We sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything, and in my case, not really knowing what to do. “Gary, tell me what’s wrong.”

I hoped it wasn’t too pushy or insensitive, because I was never good at the whole comforting thing. Sure, I was great at complaining about my own problems, but when someone came to me for help, I didn’t have a clue what to say. I knew he was upset –that much was more than obvious. But beyond just asking what was wrong, I didn’t know what to do. Instead, I rested my head on top of his and decided I’d just wait for him to tell me when he was ready. He’d already woke me up, and it wasn’t like I had to be anywhere in the morning, anyway.

It took a while, and then he finally said, so softly I could barely hear, “I broke up with her.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, either. I had told myself numerous times that I was going to encourage him to break up with Lauren, never imagining that it might actually happen, or that he’d be upset about it. I never took into consideration that there was anything good he saw in Lauren. I guess I just assumed that he, especially with all the hate he’d been directing at her recently, was seeing her exactly how everyone else had from the start. But based on how upset he was, still sitting here, staring straight at the wall, he really did see something good in the girl we’d all disliked from the day he introduced her. I had to admit that I’d never given her a chance, never taken any time at all to try and get to know Lauren at all, and I didn’t think anyone else had either. Maybe I was subconsciously a little jealous that another girl was getting Garrett’s attention, when it was previously only given to me. It explained a lot, really: the walking out, the refusal to get to know her, the really strong urge I had to call her names and maybe even start a fist fight with her every time she had upset Garrett even the slightest bit. I’d assumed she just wasn’t a nice person, and never took the time to find out whether or not I was actually right.

“Oh…I, um…It was for the best?”

He made one of those noises that was a cross between an exhale an a laugh, “I know you’re not upset.”

I sighed, “Look, I’m not going to pretend to be upset, but I know you really are. There’s obviously something you saw in her, or you two wouldn’t have lasted this long. Just because the guys and I didn’t see it, doesn’t mean that she’s a bad person. She made you happy, and that’s what counts, whether we liked it or not.”

“But that’s why I broke up with her, y’know? I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“You broke up with her because of us? Garrett, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard come out of your mouth!”

“No no no,” he said quickly. “I meant I…broke up with her…because she wasn’t making me happy. Not anymore.” He ran a hand through his hand before continuing. “I mean, it was great at first. But lately things have just been…strained, I guess. I don’t know what I saw in her. She got jealous over everything. If she didn’t know where I was, she flipped. She didn’t like that I hung out with you all the time. She didn’t like Pat or John or Jared or Kenny. It was like there was never anything in common between us. I know why you guys didn’t like her now.”

“Do you want my honest thoughts on this?” I knew it was a stupid question. I knew he’d say yes; he usually did. He nodded, lifting his head off of my shoulder and shifting to face me. “I think she was awful for you. I saw the way you looked at her change. At first it was just…infatuated. Like she couldn’t do anything wrong. But then it changed. Every time you looked at her all I saw was hate. You hated that she couldn’t get along with us…that she never made an effort to fit in. You hated that she never really took you or the band seriously.”

He was staring into space again, down where our knees were touching, mine bare and his dressed in the holey jeans from when we went to the mall. I let him stare, assuming he was thinking. He had been quiet all night; I didn’t expect him to start up a conversation just because I’d said his now ex-girlfriend wasn’t any good for him.

And honestly, I was speaking exactly what I thought. I didn’t make any of it up, or embellish my story. I told him the simple, honest truth, even if I was the only one that had noticed it. I think I was the only one that cared; everyone else had given up on trying to fight against Lauren, and I was the only one still clinging to it because I liked Garrett. Sitting there on my bed, with the clock glowing past one thirty, with Garrett sitting across from me, our knees touching, I knew that everything Caitlyn had been saying was right. I liked Garrett. I didn’t even know if it was like. Maybe it was love. Maybe I just liked the idea of liking Garrett, my best friend, someone I couldn’t in a million years have. But whatever it was, I recognized it, and I let myself admit that I had a crush. A major crush that would be a real pain in the ass to ignore and keep quiet.

Hands in my lap, I said suddenly, so soft I could barely hear myself, I said, “I’m sorry,” and, “You deserve better.” I didn’t know if I was talking about myself or Lauren.

And then just as suddenly as I spoke, he was leaning in towards me, and I was leaning towards him, and I knew what was coming. I knew it was probably wrong. I didn’t care, because then he was kissing me and I was kissing him back, and the whole time all I could think was this is so wrong and what am I doing? and this is so great over and over and over, until his hands were on my shoulders and he was pulling me closer and then pushing me back and scrambling backwards off the bed. And then he was running up my stairs three at a time, mumbling something again and again.

And then he was gone, leaving his shoes at the bottom of the stairs and me sitting on my bed, shocked, because he had just kissed me and it was my first real kiss, but also because he kissed me and then left and I had no idea what to think about anything.