After

School is hardly exciting.

Ronald Reagan Senior High School is probably the most typical high school in Miami. Except for the uniform policy, it's almost cliche. There's the popular, emo/scene, skaters, preps, hoes, chongas, thugs, refs, and every clique out there attending the school. Since I was friends with Robyn, who had an outgoing personality and amazing looks, I hung out with the popular kids. I wasn't too good of friends with them. They were sort of scared of me, I guess. At least, that's what Robyn had told me.

Now that she's dead, I don't know where to sit in the lunchroom. I miss her and as I stand in line, waiting for my turn to buy the only good food this school offers, I look at the room filled with kids my age who are more calm today. The room is somewhat moody today. Suicide rarely hits the school. The table where we used to sit in is, however, void of any kind of happiness. They were all close friends with Robyn and her death did affect them somewhat.
I pay for my corn dog and salad. I slowly walk over to the table and stand next to it. Seven pair of eyes look up at me wide in surprise. I clear my throat.

"Can I sit here?" I say in a monotone voice. I realize I should be somewhat human to them, they're all so much more sensitive than me, but I can't change the way I am just to make her death easier on them.

Elizabeth, the kindest one here, quickly nods her head and says a small "Of course," and pushes her bag off the seat next to her. I sit next to her and the table is filled with the most awkward silence I've ever had to deal with in my life.

"Um, so how are you Amy?" Asks Lisa. Lisa is the Junior Student Body President and her grades can almost compete with mine. She has short, curly blonde hair with the most natural tan in the city and blue eyes. She's barely 5'1 and it's comical when she stands next to my 5'8 stature.

"I'm fine. You know, coping I guess," I reply, taking a violent bite out of my corn dog. Juan stares at me and flinches when my gaze meets his. I fake being ignorant. "You okay Juan?"

Juan glances at me quickly, meets my gaze for a second, and nods. I offer a small smile and look back at my plate. Sophia and Alexia start whispering to each other while Tony and Richard just continue eating.

Juan and I dated in freshman year. That's why it's so awkward between us now. He's really gotten out of his awkward phase when we started high school and that's probably why I had gotten attracted to him in the first place. But I fell for him because he's sweet, smart, and a really nice guy. We broke up at the beginning of sophmore year because I didn't really feel to strongly about him. Robyn had told me he hadn't gotten over our break-up though.

He's still gorgeous; with his dark brown hair, olive skin, and light brown eyes, he attracted so many girls. But he's so shy. I guess that's probably why I fell for him. But that's all in the past.

I'm still chewing on my corn dog when Alexia stops talking to Sophia and catches my gaze. I stop eating and stare right back into her dark, brown eyes.

"What?" I ask somewhat politely. Alexia bites her lip, looks at Sophia who nods her head, and looks back at me.

"There's this new kid," She starts. "Charles. He was in my Lit. class and asked me if I knew you. And, um, you know. I was just wondering how you know him. Since he supposedly just moved here from Chicago."

I stare at her in surprise. I don't know how in the world I forgot my conversation with Charles but I just thought it would be a one time conversation. You know, he would forget about me by the time he entered the school and all the girls attacked him. He's so gorgeous; why notice Amy, the anti-social freak?

"I meet him at the park this weekend," I tell her, even though I think it's none of her business. "You know the one near Walmart? The one with the lake?"

"Oh!" She smiles and turns back to talk to Sophia. Alexia and Sophia look like cousins. Both are from Dominican Republic with gorgeous dark brown skin and silky black hair that looks nothing like mine. They've been stuck to the hip since seventh grade.

I finish my lunch, say a friendly goodbye to everyone, and walk off to the bathroom. It's empty and I stand in front of a mirror and fix my uniform. I don't bother doing anything to my hair, other than combing it quickly, and just stare at my make-up less face.
I don't stand out in my school. Not at all. I don't exactly mix in with the crowd, but I don't grab everyone's attention. I'm just too common-looking. Almost everyone in this town, Doral, is hispanic. It's rare to have natural blondes, like Robyn, to even attend my school. But I don't fit in because of the fact I don't look normal. People always stare in surprise when my black gaze finds them and just gape when they notice how angular my face is. Sometimes, I wish my face was less intense but softer, like my mother's

I shake my head, forcing my self-conscious thoughts out, and leave the bathroom. I hate thinking of my looks. It makes me feel shallow. It's one thing to look presentable, it's another thing to be self-absorbed.

I'm late to Chemistry now and I feel like skipping class but I don't because I need my grades to be perfect. So I head to class, dragging my unwilling body to the room.

I open the door and about twenty heads look up to stare at me as I head to my seat in the back. Ms. Halloway doesn't say anything to me, just gives me a look of pity, and marks me late in the grade book. Everyone's quiet today, working hard on an assignment written on the board, so I sit down and grab the textbook in the basket under my seat. I'm about to take out paper to work on the assignment when the door opens and a blonde head pops out.

Charles.

His gorgeous blue eyes catch mine for just a second and he hands Ms. Halloway his late slip. She points him to the seat next to me, telling him I'll be able to help him with anything he needs, and turns back to the computer. Charles walks my way and all the girls in the room turn back to stare at him.

He reaches his desk, picks it up a little bit, and moves it right next to mine. After he sits down and opens his book, he grins.

"Told you I would see you Monday."

I give a small smile and softly explain to him what we have been learning about the past week. He doesn't seem to care, just stares at my lips the entire time, and nods when I ask him if he understands. I finish the assignment in no time and turn to help him when I notice he has finished the paper before me.

My eyebrows knit in confusion and I grab both of our papers and turn them in. Ms. Halloway nods and dismisses me, along with Charles, and we both leave the classroom. I walk to the empty cafeteria. Halfway there, I notice Charles following me and turn to him with a raised eyebrow.

"I get it, you found me. You can stop following me now," I tell him with an air of arrogance. I hate being followed.

"Nah," He smiles. "I went through a lot of trouble finding you today."

"Why would you look for me?" I give him a funny look.

"I like you," He gives me a soft smile.

"Ha ha, funny," I laugh. "No one likes me. Look, I know I was nice to you in the park, but I'm not looking to make friends right now. So you can stop following me."

"I heard you would be difficult," He says, right when I start walking away. I stop in my tracks and turn to face him.

"Excuse me?" I glare at him.

"Well, I heard some rumors that you would be difficult to talk to," He says as if it's the most normal thing in the world. "Guess they were right."

"Don't listen to rumors. They're just lies made up by people with no lives," I'm angry. I don't know why, I've always been difficult. But my image is already tainted in his mind and it's all because teenagers are nosy.

"Yeah, I know. I didn't say I believed them until now," He sighs. "I heard about your friend."

My entire body goes stiff. I'm still not over Robyn's death, will never be over her death. And it's hard enough knowing that the whole school pities me because of what she did but now he knows and for some reason, it makes me feel worse.

"I don't need your pity," I tell him. I don't understand why I'm so cold today. "She did what she did. I'm moving on with my life."

"Yeah, I know. But she was your best friend. It must have hurt."

I look into his eyes. "Of course it hurt. But I don't see how it's any of your business. I don't know you. So just drop it and leave me alone."

He nods and I notice how his eyes aren't at all surprised by my behaiver. Instead, he looks as if he knew this would happen. Knew I would close off and bitch at him.

"Still, I'm sorry for your loss. Just trying to be nice, you know." He says softly. I nod stiffly.

He walks away and for some reason, my heart tugs in his direction. I barely know him and I feel bad at the way I've treated him today. He hasn't done anything wrong. But I'm on the edge and for some reason, I feel as though he would push me at any chance.

And I wish he would.


September 9, 2009

The days are ticking by so fast.

One moment, I'm spending time with William, the next I'm at home studying for school. Some days are rough, others are relaxing.

My friends at school are the same as always. Drama filled and ridiculous. But I love them for that so I don't' complain. Amy's closed off as usual and only smiles when I talk to her. I will never understand how she can be so negative but I guess it's because she's always studying. She wants to be a surgeon and that means a shit load of work.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm stuck in a place of uncertainty. I don't know what I want or where I stand. I'm so confused nowadays and I know you must be confused since I haven't written in a while.

It's just...William is hiding something from me. We've become so close in such a short time. But I found out from his cousin that he doesn't have a girlfriend. And it strikes me strange because, why would he lie to me?

Does he think I'm so repulsive and desperate that he has to lie to keep me in place? I don't know. I just know I really like him and the fact he has been lying to me is like a stab to the heart.

I don't understand and I mask my confusion well. No one, not even Amy who knows whenever something is wrong, has been able to tell.

Dear Diary, I'm so lost.

William is so strange to me. He's nice and sweet and charming. But he always delfects questions meant for him and doesn't talk about his past. He always turns the subject around and I just know he's hiding something.

I can't stand secrets.

I wish I could tell someone. William just knocks the breath out of me. He talks so strangely, as if he's from a different century, and he's sometimes too much of a gentleman. I'm not complaining but I'm so confused. He flirts with me a lot and constantly reminds me of where we stand. And I'm just so frustrated with him.

I don't know what to do.

-Robyn.