Until The End

Johnny pulled the car into the parking spot, and I felt my heart skip a beat. This was it. We were finding out what our baby would be. It felt like a dream to me, but I knew this was the real thing.

Johnny had agreed to find out the sex of the baby right alongside me. He figured it'd kill him that I knew and he didn't. Plus, he wanted a bit of a say in the baby's name too.

Some people plan these their children's names from the moment they can think about having children. I, never believing I could ever get pregnant, never thought for one second about it. I was going into this pregnancy completely unprepared for anything. Luckily, Johnny was with me in this, so I was not alone.

The inside of the Little Feet Prebirth Clinic was painted with pastel geometric designs, and easy rock played gently from the speakers on the ceiling. We approached the counter where a blonde woman was typing information into the computer in front of her. She must have seen us from the corner of her eye, because she looked up at us abruptly and smiled.

"Hi, there!" she said cheerily. "Can I help you?"

"We've got an appointment with Doctor Kripke," I said. "Heartbeat and ultrasound."

"Name?" asked the woman.

I looked at Johnny. Which name had I given them? He shrugged, understanding, and I turned back to her.

"Seward?" I said.

She clacked away on her keyboard, and she turned back to us and smiled. "Have a seat, please," she said. "The doctor knows you're here."

We sat down in the waiting room, and I watched another woman reading a magazine. A small boy of about five sat in front of her playing with a couple cars, and her belly bulged out like mine did. I observed her features. It seemed she had once been a beautiful woman, but she had become overwhelmed with stress. I took her to be a single mother, but if that was the case- how was she pregnant again?

She must have felt me staring because she looked up at me. I smiled, pretending I hadn't been watching her every move.

"You have a beautiful son," I said.

"Thank you," she replied.

"What's his name?" I asked.

"Camden James," she said.

"That's a nice name," I said. I gave her an encouraging smile, feeling bad that I had in fact been staring.

She was probably older than I was, and with a son that old, she had to have been. The door to the back room opened, and a man in a white coat stepped out.

"Janine?" he said.

The woman set the magazine down and stood up. "Come on, Cam," she said. She led the boy back with her, and they disappeared behind the door.

Johnny put an arm around my shoulder and said, "You okay, baby girl?"

"I'm fine," I said. "I'm just a little nervous."

"Nervous? For what?" he asked.

"This is it," I said. "This is what tells me it's real. This is what makes it true. This is everything I dreamed of and thought I couldn't have."

"Isn't that good?"

"Well, I suppose. I'm just a little out of it, you know."

"Lissa?"

We looked up and saw a woman standing by the door to the back room. Johnny took my hand and smiled at me. I stood first, followed by him, and we walked behind the doctor to a small room.

I sat up on the table as the doctor looked over my papers. She smiled at me, and that made me slightly uncomfortable.

"I'm Doctor Kripke," said the doctor. "It looks like you have a high risk pregnancy, is that right?"

I nodded.

"Well, let's have a listen on the heartbeat," she said.

She took out a tube of blue gel, and I lay back on the table. Johnny sat down in the chair next to me and took my hand. He smiled at me as Doctor Kripke lifted my shirt to expose my stomach. She used an odd looking piece of machinery- it looked like a massager, almost- to apply the cold blue gel.

"Okay, are you ready?" asked Doctor Kripke.

I nodded again, and she pushed a button on the machine. She moved it around on my skin, pushing lightly. We could hear little noises, but it didn't seem to be what she was looking for. She stopped suddenly on the right side of my stomach, and a smile creased her face.

"There," she said softly.

Johnny and I looked at each other, but we were silent.

"Do you hear it?" asked the doctor.

I shook my head. She turned up the volume on the machine, and I heard it. It was a soft whirring sound, a steady beat in the hushing of the machine. Johnny squeezed my hand, and I let out a small laugh. That was our baby.

I could have listened to that for hours, but after a few minutes, Doctor Kripke turned off the machine. I looked at her. There were so many things I could say, but no sound would come out of my mouth. She seemed to understand, and she smiled.

"So, how far along are you?" she asked.

"Almost six months," I replied.

"Well, I'm sure you two will have a beautiful baby," she said. "Would you like to see now?"

"Please," I said.

She got out a different machine and hooked it up to a monitor. She clicked on the monitor, and we saw a fuzzy image on the screen. She reached over and shut off the light. A silver outline of a baby appeared on as a silhouette on a black background. I put a hand over my mouth and felt Johnny clasp my other hand in both of his.

Doctor Kripke pointed to the screen. "There's its head, and the legs, and the arms. And that will tell you the sex of the baby."

A tear rolled down my cheek, and a smile fell on my face.

"Oh my god," breathed Johnny.